Читать книгу: «The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction. Volume 13, No. 360, March 14, 1829», страница 6
SPIRIT OF THE PUBLIC JOURNALS
MAXIMS OF JOHN BULLISM
When you travel in a stage-coach, make all the passengers, both inside and outside, fully acquainted with your name, business, and objects in travelling, before five minutes have elapsed. Among the rest, be sure you give them to think you are a man of property, and the personal friend of at least half-a-dozen nobles or members of parliament. If in trade, inform them you have something very handsome in the three per cents., and live on terms of perfect familiarity with the great Jew.
Honesty is the best and most profitable policy in the long run, but there are a thousand exceptions to this rule in private practice.
Do no charity by stealth; it is never repaid in this world to any advantage; do it openly, and there are chances of its returning cent per cent.
You may keep a running horse, or two, though you are a magistrate sworn to put down gambling: you need not bet upon the race-course yourself. You may subscribe to Fishmongers' Hall, and go there without throwing the dice. You may share the profits of a roulette table, without venturing your luck. It is strange that vulgar understandings cannot discriminate in these matters!
When you have made up your mind finally to do any thing, ask the advice of your friend about it. The act of consultation will please him, and you will be none the worse.
Human happiness is more or less complete in a ratio with successful pecuniary accumulation.
If you enter a drawing-room before dinner a little time too early, and find yourself vis-à-vis with an unlucky visiter as forlorn as yourself, do not utter a word. The chances are, nine out of ten, he will not speak first, that is, if he be a true Briton. Stare at him as hard as you can.
If you meet a lady in society, old or young, married or single, who equals you in argument, or rises superior to the thousand and one automatons disgorged monthly from fashionable boarding-schools, report her a bas bleu to your male acquaintances, and warn her own sex to shun her.
When you meet an inferior in a public street, it is your duty to cut him, if any one who knows you is in sight. If you cannot escape a recognition, do it with as little parade as possible—a movement of the lips is sufficient—and walk on at a quick rate. Who knows but the Lord Mayor, or Mr. Alderman Blowbladder, may observe you?
A grain of impudence will fetch more in the market than twelve bushels of modesty.
In the scale of dignities two Cheapside chaises make one Stanhope; two Stanhopes a cab; two cabs a landaulet and pair; and so on up to the state-coach; and as their numerical relation, so is the degree of respect they may justly exact.
If you visit foreign parts, and meet a countryman who may be useful to you, do not hesitate to avail yourself of his services; but be sure never to acknowledge him should you meet in your native land, unless he receive some other introduction to you, and you have it on creditable evidence that he is a man of good property.
Never allow reason weight in any thing you have resolved to be right that is opposed to it. Reason may be useful in mathematics, to men of genius, and to scholars; but it has little to do with every-day existence, with the Three per Cents, the national revenue, the Stock Exchange, or the India House.
Never get acquainted with your next-door neighbour, unless you find he is in good pecuniary circumstances. If you meet on the highway, or touch elbows at your respective fore-doors, look at each other like two strange tom-cats, and pursue your way.
Commiserate the fate of a Thurtell, a Probert, or a Corder, sent (ripened for heaven in a forty-eight hours' probation by a Newgate chaplain) out of the world their hellish acts have so sullied; but sympathise not with a Riego or a Canaris. Heroic vice was always spiriting; heroic virtue is phlegmatic. John Bull's constitution is only acted upon by strong excitement.
When you dine with the Lord Mayor, or any of the Aldermen of Brobdignag, and they attempt to exhibit their skill at repartee, be sure decide the wealthiest to be the wittiest. It will insure you a good dinner another time, perhaps something more.
In choosing a wife, prefer even Bristol ugliness to beauty, especially if there be a fortune. Beauty will change, intellect may be too much for you, but ugliness will be true to you as to itself; besides its advantage of preserving you from the effects of conjugal frailty.
A judge's wig is a Delphic mystery, whether brains be in it or not. It is a of sublunary wisdom—an umbrella over an oracle.
When you dine at a public dinner, always take your seat opposite a favourite dish. Carve it yourself, and select the choicest bits, then leave it to your right-hand neighbour to help the rest of the company.
Always stick your napkin in your button-hole at the dinner table, if you admit such French superfluities at all. Eat with the sharp edge of your knife towards your mouth; forks won't take up gravy. Never wipe your lips when you take wine with a lady, and fill both her glass and your own until daylight is not visible through the crystal.
When Mrs. Bull is obstreperous, go to the coffee-house and call for your glass. It is an excellent cure for her complaint, and you will get the latest news retailed in the most engaging manner, with the pleasure of knowing she is biting her lips at home in vexation.
Never hold any intercourse with people of whom the world speaks ill. 'Tis true they may be, and generally are, among the very best of mankind, but as they are not reputed to be so, what is that to you?
Some persons cant about the wickedness of the times: believe them not; this is the most saintly of ages, the most pure of generations, considering its temptations.
Vice at the east and west end of town, is different only in form; in substance it comes to the same thing, and in quality is equal to a grain.
Never leave a dispute to be settled by arbitration; if you are rich, always appeal to law, especially if your opponent be poor. The lawyers will manage for you long before the case gets up to the Lords, and perhaps secure your rival in banco regis for expenses. In an arbitration, the case may be decided against you in a twinkling. It is a capital thing that justice and a long purse are sworn brothers; besides, moneyed men should have some advantage in society.
So little is the value of an oath understood by any but the Bull family, that none but the postboys and the vulgar use oaths in foreign nations, America excepted; but that country being a chip of the old block, already rivals honest John; outdo him she must not.
Lard your butter, wet your tobacco, pipe-clay your flour, sand your sugar, sloe-leaf your tea, coal-ash your pepper, deteriorate your drugs, water your liquors, alloy your gold and silver, plunder your lodgers, and, while none know it, who is the worse! Then to church, and thank God you are not as other men.
Live and talk as if you were to live for ever. If you have accumulated tens of thousands, try and make them hundreds of thousands. Why should you retire and make way for the industry of others, while you are able to treasure up more.
Give credit, take credit, live upon credit; if you are wealthy, your own money will be gathering interest at the same time. If you are poor, you have no other means to live by.
In matters of business, let there be no favour. If you are dealing with your own father, give nothing to him. Screw the uttermost farthing, and, if need, sell him.
Give only to receive.
Men of genius are fools; the truly great men know how to make money, and money is power—the power of making more money. Your men of genius are at best but harlequins with empty pockets.—New Monthly Magazine.
THE GATHERER
A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.
SHAKSPEARE.
THE OPERA
Swift, in his Journal to Stella, speaking of the Opera says, "In half an hour I was tired of their fine stuff."
FAUSTINA and CUZZONI, two celebrated opera singers, were such bitter rivals, that neither of them would sing in the same room with the other.
CATS
Four learned cats are now exhibiting in Regent-street; but as we have not yet left our card with their feline excellencies, we cannot wink at their perfections.
SHERWOOD AND ROBIN HOOD
The officers of Sherwood Forest, famous for having been the head-quarters of Robin Hood in the 16th century, were a warden, his lieutenant and steward, a bow-bearer, and a ranger, four verderers, twelve regarders, four agisters, and twelve keepers or foresters, all under a chief forester; besides these there were several woodwards for every township within the forest, and one for every principal wood.
HALBERT H.
The late Duke of Norfolk passing down Piccadilly with Sheridan, as a gigantic wooden Highlander was just then fixing at the door of a tobacconist, asked, what was the reason of this usual location. "Ay, ay, I see it now," said the duke, "it is as much as to say, bargains here, a man may get the most for his farthing." "No," said Sheridan, "it seems quite the contrary, for if the Scotchman could have driven any thing in the way of bargain, he would have gone in."
A Mrs. Tomlinson is mentioned in the papers as having, lately died, worth thirty thousand pounds, chiefly amassed by habits of extreme penury. She had, before this accumulation, separated from her husband, to whom she handsomely allowed five shillings a-week. This was observed to realize the often-repeated saying of Solomon—"A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband."
