Читать книгу: «Something Like Happy»

Chapter 1

Nick leaned over the grey stone parapet, considering the distance to the road below. It should be enough to kill him. His heart pounded at the thought, but it was the easiest way he could think of. One simple jump, and he’d be gone. And even if he didn’t succeed, at the very least he’d be in hospital, which would mean a blessed release from his daily grind and the ache of loneliness that wore him down.

He focused his gaze on the skyline and gripped the rough surface with his shaking hands. Easy peasy. All he had to do was close his eyes and jump. He went through the motions in his imagination. Early tomorrow would do it. Sunday morning was always deserted. He needed just a little more time to gather his courage.

It had to be tomorrow. There was no other choice. No way he could go back into that office on Monday morning.

When Jade saw the figure on the bridge, standing tall in his bright blue jacket, she thought at first he was looking at the scenery. But as she came closer, she saw his eyes were closed. White knuckles gripped on tightly to the edge, and she suddenly knew exactly what was going on.

You have to talk to him.

This wasn’t how she had imagined her sunny Saturday panning out. A casual stroll through town, up the hill, look at the view. Definitely not getting involved in the life of someone who was obviously planning to jump.

Really? When you know exactly what this bridge means to you? Do you want to make the same mistake twice? You could do something right for once.

She clenched her fists, fully intending to walk on by, but found her mouth opening. ‘I wouldn’t lean so far over if I were you.’

A female voice broke into Nick’s thoughts. That was definitely a local accent from the sound of it. He felt a surge of irritation hit him and didn’t bother turning to look at who was behind him. Jeez, what was wrong with this place? His life was filled with people telling him what to do, and now he couldn’t even plan his suicide in peace without someone interfering.

‘Go away.’ He folded his arms, standing stiffly, ready to wait until she disappeared.

‘It’ll hurt if you splat on the road.’

Her matter of fact tone and choice of words surprised him, and he swivelled to look at the speaker. A short, waif-like girl stood in front of him. She looked no more than eighteen. Her pale skin clashed horribly with her long dyed jet-black hair, which was gathered up in the worst-kept hairstyle ever. Wait, was that strips of sparkly green in among the black? Her bright red coat combined with her goth-style hair was like nothing he had seen before in his life.

‘Go away.’ He turned away. ‘Leave me in peace.’

‘You don’t look like you want to be left in peace. You look sad. Sad people normally want cheering up.’ It was childlike, how direct she was. And somehow kind of refreshing.

Nick turned again and frowned at her. ‘Don’t kids of your age have better things to do than harass strangers?’

‘Kids?’ She folded her arms, squinting at him against the sun. ‘I’m twenty-fucking-three, for God’s sake.’

The same age as himself. Now that he looked closer at her, he could actually see fine lines at the corner of her eyes. He was willing to give her the twenty-three, although she still looked young for her age.

Nick couldn’t help himself. ‘Do you always swear so much?’

She shrugged. ‘Sometimes.’

This just wasn’t how Nick had imagined his day panning out. Here he was, stuck on a bridge, arguing with someone about swear words. It all seemed kind of surreal.

‘Anyway,’ the girl said, looking as if all this discussion bored her, ‘I came to give you my happy list. You look like you need it.’ The cold spring wind whipped her hair around her face, and she reached for a handful, tucking it behind her ear.

‘Your what?’ Nick frowned again. He wasn’t quite following. His brain, so focused on what he had been thinking about before she interrupted him, was struggling to catch up.

‘A happy list. I wrote it. It’s things to do when I feel sad. To cheer me up.’ She spoke slowly, as if she was speaking to someone in a foreign language.

‘Like a bucket list?’ Nick was intrigued.

She blew out her cheeks, obviously considering the idea. ‘Kind of, I guess. But a bucket list is things to do before you die. These are things you can do all the time.’

‘Anyway.’ She made a dismissive gesture with one hand. ‘If you want to come with me to the top of the hill, I’ll show you the first thing on the list.’

She turned and walked away towards the gravel path that wound up through the scattered tombstones of the Necropolis, leaving him staring after her. His head swivelled back to the drop below. It was a choice between his own dark thoughts and the idea of talking to someone who claimed to have the answer to happiness. It took only a moment before he hurried after her.

Jade crossed her fingers tightly in her pockets as she walked away. Had she said enough to hook him? Or had she been too harsh? A surreptitious glance behind her showed that he was following her, and she breathed a quick sigh of relief. At least she had got him away from the edge. Now all she had to do was work out how to convince him that life was better than the alternative. Yeah. All she had to do was that. Just exactly what had she got herself into here? And how the hell was she going to do it?

Nick caught up with the red coat when she was already half-way up the slope, breathing hard as he came alongside her. He hadn’t realised how much he had let himself go over the last six months. He looked at her, expecting another pithy comment, but she just smiled politely at him and continued walking.

He found himself considering a heavily decorated gravestone to his right. The Necropolis. A strange idea really. Rich people, paying vast sums of money to make sure they were remembered when they died. It all looked very impressive, he thought. But did anyone really remember who these people were?

They walked in silence all the way up the winding path, until they came to the top and the girl sat down on the steps of a large stone tomb. Seating himself beside her on the chilly stone, Nick realised that from here they could see pretty much all of Glasgow. In fact, he had never really seen it quite like this. An impressive mix of architecture spread out below him, framed by the curves of the hills beyond. Sunshine glinted off the tiny wind turbines in the distance.

‘I’m Nick, by the way.’ He offered a hand.

She took it gingerly. ‘Jade.’ Her hand was cool, but firm.

Nick looked out at the view again. ‘So, what’s this list you’re talking about?’ He couldn’t help asking. Any chance at happiness was worth a shot.

‘Well, this is number one.’ She gestured with her hands. ‘Go and look at a stunning view.’

She spoke the last words as if she was reciting something she had committed to memory.

‘Is that it?’ Nick was surprised. ‘I’d expected something, well, more dramatic.’

‘And you call this not dramatic?’ She pointed at the view.

He had to admit that she was right. White fluffy clouds raced along the mountain tops. Below them the busy sounds of the city echoed up, blown to them on the wind. The seagulls whirled, shrieking as they dived among the tops of the mass of buildings below them. The variation in architecture was pretty amazing. Brutal sixties monstrosities combined with elegant Victorian buildings and to their right the squat spires of the cathedral reminded him of the ancient history of the city.

‘I take it you’re not local then?’ It was more of a statement than a question from Jade.

‘No.’ Nick wondered how she had guessed, but then realised that his accent would mark him out, just as clearly as hers had showed she was Glasgow-raised. ‘I’m from Fort William.’

Jade looked at him for a long while, as if considering something. The grey smudges under her eyes stood out in her pale face. ‘Tell you what. Meet me next Saturday and I’ll tell you the second thing on the list.’

‘I thought you were just going to give me the list.’ Nick didn’t know if he wanted to get involved with what she was suggesting. He didn’t know her. This could just be some trick. To get him to –

To get you to what, exactly? His brain gave him a mental slap. Five minutes ago you were thinking about killing yourself. What have you got to lose? He found his hands were trembling again and he tucked them under his arms, hoping she hadn’t noticed.

He pushed away the part of him whispering that he shouldn’t get involved. Making connections when he wasn’t going to be around much longer would just be an added complication. But then, if he met this girl next weekend, that meant another week in his job. Living with the snide comments and the subtle bullying. Could he really do that? Was he really strong enough?

‘OK,’ he found himself saying.

Jade looked him directly in the eyes, a worried frown on her face. ‘You promise?’

The sunlight turned her brown eyes into gold-flecked pools that seemed to hypnotise his brain. ‘I promise.’

Jade got up, brushing off her hands. ‘Great. Ten a.m. Clydebank station. Don’t be late.’ She started to walk off down the hill.

‘Wait,’ he called after her. ‘You should give me your number.’

She waved a thin hand dismissively, not even bothering to turn. ‘No need. I know you’ll be there. A promise is a promise.’

As soon as she knew she was out of sight Jade sank down behind a nearby grave stone, making sure she was hidden from his view. Her legs were suddenly wobbly.

Talking to Nick had brought back images that she just didn’t want to see again, and they played out in her head like some kind of disjointed horror film. She balled up her fists into her eyes, but tears squeezed slowly out the sides and ran down her arms, chilling her skin as the wind dried them away.

See. This is why I didn’t want to get involved.

She needed to, though. For herself and her own sanity. She couldn’t go back and change the past, but if she could change the future, help someone else in the same situation, then maybe she could start to trust herself again. Maybe she could learn to sleep at night.

After a long while she lifted her head, staring out across the vast expanse in front of her. She took a deep breath, and then another one. She could be strong. She would be strong. She had Mum. And Dad. And Lily. And, just maybe, with Nick, she had the chance to redeem herself. To try and make things right.

Fumbling for a tissue in her handbag, she rose stiffly and began the slow walk back down the hill and towards home.

The sun was low in the sky by the time she put her keys in the front door. She opened the door to a warmth and a smell of food that made her stomach rumble. Her mother, she found in the kitchen as usual, her head bent over a pan. When she saw Jade she wrapped her in her arms and, ignoring her protests, smoothed back her hair.

‘Where have you been all this time?’ The question was not demanding, just curious.

‘Just around the city.’ Jade didn’t really want to share what had happened with Nick. ‘I went out up to the Necropolis and then I walked home.’

‘What, all the way from town?’ Her mother stirred the sauce, anxious not to let it burn.

Jade shrugged. ‘It’s not far, just a few miles.’ She noticed the size of the pot. ‘What, are we having a party around for dinner again?’

Her mother laughed, pushing back her own short black hair as she did so. ‘No. Just meals to put in the freezer. I thought I would make some for you to take to work.’

Jade sighed, torn between love for her mother and an ongoing irritation at how she never listened. ‘Mum. You know we get food at work.’

Her mother tutted, stirring the pot again. ‘Yes. Chips and burgers and all that rubbish. No wonder you are so pale these days. I’m making you some proper food with vitamins in it.’

Jade was going to complain again but gave up and hugged her instead. ‘You’re the best, Mum, you know that.’ Her mother blushed, unused to such compliments from her daughter.

Jade sat down at the table, ready to sink into the warmth of the kitchen. But she couldn’t get the image of the man on the bridge out of her mind.

‘What’s wrong?’ The question intruded into her thoughts, and she looked up, surprised.

‘What do you mean?’

Her mother pointed at the table. ‘Usually I put crisps out, they’re gone in five minutes.’

Jade looked, and yes, there was a blue bowl on the table. She took a handful, savouring the sharp tang of the vinegar. ‘My favourite. Thanks Mum.’

She told her mother about Nick.

‘Oh, Jade.’ The older woman closed her eyes. ‘Not the same place. What made you want to go up there?’

Jade reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly. ‘I’m fine, Mum, really I am. It’s just my way of dealing with it.’

Her mum squeezed back briefly before returning to the stove. ‘Well Jade, you know best,’ she said, determination in her tone. ‘You know I just want you to be happy, that’s all.’

There were a few minutes silence, then she turned towards Jade again. ‘Go and call your dad in for dinner.’

Jade went next door into the living room. The TV was on, but her dad had fallen asleep on the big black sofa as usual. She hated to disturb him when he was like this. He’d be out at work all night and he needed all the sleep he could get.

She put a hand gently on his shoulder, and he stirred, smiling up at her. ‘There’s my girl. Must be time for dinner, eh?’

There was very little conversation during dinner, as they sat round the little table in the kitchen. Jade preferred it like this now that there were just three of them. The warmth of the kitchen enclosed them as if the house was hugging them, and while they were here Jade could block out thoughts of what real life was like and just pretend that things would go on like this for ever.

Eventually Jade’s dad rose, wiping his mouth. ‘Best be off,’ he said. ‘Taxi fares don’t grow on trees.’ He wrapped his arms around his wife and kissed her soundly. ‘Thanks for the dinner, sweetheart.’ She squeezed his bum playfully, while Jade said ‘Eew, get a room!’ and they all laughed together. It was a ritual that had been played out ever since she could remember, and she couldn’t imagine a family dinner without it. She held the image in her mind, savouring the warmth it generated in her thoughts.

Jade helped wash up and then went to her room. She lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She suddenly wished she had taken Nick’s number. She felt an overwhelming urge just to contact him. She was so curious to find out his story. Who he was, where he came from, the whole works. But no, she would just have to wait until next Saturday. Patience is a virtue, she reminded herself with a little smile. That’s what Grandma would have said.

She looked over to where the photos sat on the small white bookcase. Growing up she had always wondered why people had pictures of dead people lying around, but now she knew. Her grandma smiled out from her frame, looking encouraging, as she always had. She must have been a strong woman, thought Jade. Having a Chinese woman as a daughter in law, at a time when the communities barely talked to each other, must have been tough. But then, anyone seeing Jade’s parents together couldn’t doubt that they were deeply in love; even now, after almost thirty years of marriage. She lay back on her pillows, thinking about all these good things, and let the feelings of warmth and caring wrap around her like a blanket.

Nick lay on his bed, fiddling with his watch. The whole thing today had just seemed surreal. That girl – Jade – appearing out of nowhere, just at the time when he was at his lowest point. He knew his mother would say God had sent her, if he talked to her about it. He wasn’t so sure about God as his mother was, although he did sometimes wish it was all that easy. It would be so nice to be certain that all of his life was this way for a reason. But that was one of the problems. He couldn’t speak to his parents about this. Didn’t want them to worry about him.

Plus, if he was really honest, he was a bit frustrated with them too. He tried to go back home as often as he could, but his parents hadn’t been to visit him since the day they’d helped him move here. Sure, they were busy, but couldn’t they at least take a couple of days off every now and again? He had even offered to take some days off during the week, but his mother would mutter about mounting costs and bills, and his father would just be vague as usual. It almost seemed like they didn’t really care about him now that he was far away.

And Jamie too. His best friend was always happy to see him when he went home but hadn’t bothered to come down and visit either. So, the last time Nick had been home was Christmas, and it was hard to keep making an effort when the feelings just weren’t returned.

He ran his hands through his hair. It wasn’t even a year ago that he had come to Glasgow. So full of hope that the big city would offer a good time and some new friends. Fort William was a great place for the outdoors, but the night life wasn’t exactly buzzing, and he had been looking forward to doing a whole host of new things. So where had it all gone so wrong? What had happened in a year to bring him so low? It wasn’t anything specific really. More a series of small individual events that had finally driven home to him just how lonely he was. But actually, he could maybe pinpoint a couple of things that had been really pivotal. The walking group was one of them …

Nick stared at his computer screen. He was going crazy. Six months in Glasgow and he still hadn’t made any friends. None of his colleagues were even vaguely into the same things as he was. And that football club had just been full of students.

Scrolling through a web page, he finally found what he wanted. A walking group. It would be great to get out into the mountains again and this one looked very popular. It would be a good chance to meet some people who also liked walking. They had a walk planned this Saturday, so he signed up immediately, full of excitement.

Friday night he checked the weather. Beautiful sunshine. It couldn’t be better. The next morning bright and early he strapped on his walking boots, took his rucksack from behind the door where he had packed it the night before and set off to the station. He had brought his map just in case, although it looked like the organisers were very experienced. That was great. It meant that he could just relax and get to know the people in the group as they walked along. He rubbed his palms together, feeling a small twist of excitement at the thought of getting out into the countryside again.

When he got off the train at Helensburgh it was obvious who he should meet. A group of eight or nine people in outdoor clothes were standing around in the car park, and they were joined by some more people who had been on the train. Most of them looked like they were retired, but there were a couple of people who looked closer to his own age. He summoned his courage and went up to them. He had to start somewhere.

‘Hi. My name’s Nick.’ He held out his hand to one of the younger men, who was dressed in black walking gear.

‘Tony,’ the man said, grasping Nick’s hand firmly. ‘And this is Bill.’ He indicated the other younger man, who was sporting a very impressive beard above his warm red jacket. ‘We’re the leaders of the group.’

The other members introduced themselves. They all seemed very friendly and Nick felt his spirits lift. By the time they left the station there must have been at least twenty people with them. They walked up the road and out of the town. The sunshine seemed to be making everyone happy.

Nick found himself chatting to one of the older men, who said that he had joined the group when he retired. Apparently, Tony and Bill had only recently taken over the group after the previous leader had left. ‘We’re very lucky to have them,’ the man said. ‘They’re both qualified as mountain leaders.’

Nick felt a surge of happiness. He was back doing something he really enjoyed. They stopped for lunch on the top of a hill, sitting on a rocky outcrop of stone, and everybody exclaimed at the view all the way across the river. Some of the less fit people were congratulating themselves about managing the climb.

Nick took out his sandwich. The view was truly spectacular, and he could hear the singing of a skylark. He let out a deep breath, and then breathed in the freshness of the air. He was back where he belonged and days like this were just what he needed.

Glancing over to the west, he could see a front of cloud which looked pretty nasty. He gestured to Tony and Bill, who were sat not far away. ‘What do you think about that?’ He pointed at the cloud.

Bill looked over at it and shrugged. ‘Not an issue. The forecast says we’ll be long gone by the time that arrives.’

Nick wasn’t sure. He had learned from painful experience that you couldn’t take things like that for granted. As the group finished their lunch and started slowly down the far side of the hill, he kept glancing over his shoulder, still worried about the weather. About half the people didn’t have waterproof trousers. And a couple of them didn’t even have waterproof jackets. If that cloud rained down on them, they would be soaked to the skin in seconds.

And sure enough, an hour later the cloud was upon them, and a few minutes after that it started to rain miserably. The cloud was so thick they could barely see ten metres in front of them. Nick felt for his compass in his pocket, just to reassure himself. If they got into trouble in the mist then they might just need it. And his fancy GPS watch that his parents had given him last Christmas. He had been ecstatic when he had unwrapped it and grateful to his parents – those things were so expensive, and they really couldn’t afford it.

Bill and Tony gathered the group around them. ‘OK guys, we have to stick together. Keep sight of the person in front of you and check you can still see the person behind. The path is really clear, so we shouldn’t have any problems.’ They produced ponchos from their bags for the two without coats, which impressed Nick. Clearly these two made sure they planned ahead.

They trudged on, conversation less forthcoming now as they squelched through the mud. Nick had his head down, water dripping off the hood of his coat, and didn’t see the fork until he was almost on it. The people ahead of him had taken the right fork, which was the logical direction to turn back towards Helensburgh, but something just niggled at him. He lifted his map case and wiped the drops off it, so he could study it carefully. Yes, that was it. The bridge …

He hadn’t realised that he had stopped walking until he heard a small noise of surprise from the person walking behind him. Ahead the group members that he could see had stopped, obviously wondering what had happened. They came trickling slowly back in twos and threes, looking worried.

Bill came striding over. ‘What’s up?’

Nick pointed at the map. ‘I think we should take the left fork. It leads down to a bridge and we can take this as a short cut.’ He indicated a lane on the map. ‘The other way will take us at least two hours more than that.’

Bill snorted. ‘That would be true if we were there. But we’re not.’ He pointed at a fork much further back on the map. ‘We’re here. So we take the right fork here, and the left fork later on.’

Nick felt the colour coming into his face. Of course. He had misread the map. What a stupid thing to do. But … he studied the map again. He could have sworn that they passed that hill just before the clouds came down. His instincts were screaming at him and he just knew he was right. If it was just him, in his nice warm waterproof mountain gear, he wouldn’t have minded. But a couple of the group were starting to shiver, especially since they had stopped, and he felt like he had a responsibility to them.

‘Come on, Tony,’ he said. ‘Back me up on this one. We passed that turn ages ago.’

Tony shook his head, not even bothering to look at the map. ‘No, Bill’s spot on. Right fork is the way to go.’

Nick felt his face flame red. What should he do now? He was so convinced he was right, but what if he wasn’t? Was it worthwhile standing up for, just to get back a couple of hours earlier?

He looked at the group clustered around them. An extra two hours for some of them would make a big difference in this rain.

He grabbed Bill by the arm and steered him away from the watchful eyes. ‘Look, you know we passed that fork not long after lunch,’ he said, careful to keep his voice lowered so no one else could hear him. He had spoken without thinking, and the last thing he had intended was for this to become a public battle of wills.

Bill looked him up and down scornfully. ‘Tell you what, we’ll split up the group. You take half of them your way, and we’ll go the right way. We’ll meet at the café by the station and see who gets there first. Losers pay the bill.’

Nick felt like he had no other choice but to accept. Now all he had to do was make sure that all the less able people in the group somehow came with him. What had meant to be a fun day out had suddenly turned into a stressful situation, but that was OK. Growing up in the mountains had got him used to dealing with what the weather threw at you. If only dealing with people was so easy.

The group split fairly amicably into two. Nick was happy to see that the two without proper coats were coming with him. Or had Bill and Tony engineered that specially? He didn’t want to think about that possibility. Best just to believe the best of people. It was always his approach to life.

During the walk back the clouds cleared, but a stiff wind started up, and Nick was glad when they got to the café and he could have a hot cup of tea. There was no sign of the others though. Not that he should have been surprised. He couldn’t feel elation at the fact he was right. Not when half the group was still out on the mountainside somewhere.

It was almost an hour and a half later when the other half of the group trudged in, looking weary and very muddy. However, some seemed excited by the experience, talking about massive bogs they had been forced to cross and fences that had to be climbed. Bill and Tony just sat in a corner with their coffees, not looking at Nick. He decided he would leave and let them get on with it. It was their group after all. But not before a couple of people gave him hugs and thanks and said they would post their pictures on the group site.