Читать книгу: «A Guide to Men: Being Encore Reflections of a Bachelor Girl», страница 4
BRIDES
"NEVERS" FOR THE "RIB."
NEVER ask him to kiss you. Make your kisses a privilege, not a duty; a luxury, not a morning and evening "chore."
Never refuse to kiss him – but sometimes keep him waiting a little while. Love thrives so much better on the stimulant of suspense than on the anaesthetic of memory.
Never question him about his past love affairs. It is not the women he has loved, but those he has not yet loved, who will bother you.
Never fling your old flames in his face. If you do he will soon cease to be jealous of the men you "might have married" and begin to envy them.
Never accuse him of being less ardent than he was before he married you. Many a husband would never discover that he was no longer madly in love, if his wife did not keep constantly reminding him of it.
Never chide him for the same fault more than once.
A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal characteristics."
Never refer to your own defects. A man always accepts a woman at her own valuation; and he doesn't prize anything that advertises herself as a "second."
Never laugh at him. Woman is supposed to be the only human joke and man the only laughing animal – except the hyena.
Never cry before him. A woman's tears soon wash all the color out of a man's love; after the third deluge they have no power to move him – except to move him out of the house.
Never threaten him, scold him nor argue with him. Act! A woman's arguments affect a man as water does a cat. He simply waits for them to dry up – and then he goes out and does as he pleases.
Never doubt his word – even when you know he is lying. A husband is like religion: to give you any real comfort, he must be taken with blind faith.
Never put him on a leash. The dog or the husband that has to be tied is always the one that eventually has to be advertised in the "lost" columns.
Never forget that marriage should be a privilege, not a prison; home a refectory, not a reformatory; and wives jolliers, and not jailers.
SYNCOPATIONS
A "SOUL-MATE" is seldom the siren who manages to drive a man to distraction, but just the sympathetic little thing who always happens to come along when he is looking for distraction.
Hanging on a man's word may flatter him, but hanging on his neck merely frightens him.
Every gay dog has his day – after.
One may be loved forever! It is the vain desire to go on being a "heart-breaker" after one's flirting days are over that constitutes the real tragedy of age.
A man regards a woman's love first as an unattainable dream, then as a boon, then as a blessing, then as a right, then as a matter-of-course – and, last, as a punishment.
A man's idea of "preserving the unities" is to find out what side of an argument his wife is on, and then take the other side, in order to keep it from sagging.
After a bachelor's heart has been patched up, cut down and remodeled to fit the romantic ideal of one girl after another, there is seldom enough of it left to go all the way around the honeymoon.
There is no question of degree in matrimony. You can be a little bit in love or a little bit ill; but you can't be a little bit married or a little bit dead.
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.
If your husband is wrapped up in his work from 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. you needn't bother to investigate his morals. Satan wouldn't waste his talents trying to tempt a man with so little time and energy for the devil's business.
You can't argue, frighten or nag a man into loving you just because he "ought to" – because, dearie, love is not exactly a man's feeling for a thought-censor, a creditor or a critic-on-the-hearth.
There are more ways of killing a man's love than by strangling it to death – but that's the usual way.
In matters of the heart most men are still in a state of barbarism, slightly tempered by woman.
A man is never old until his spirit is worn out, his rosy hopes have turned gray, his illusions have faded and he has wrinkles on his heart.
An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition and his wife in the country.
Every time a man hits a woman's vanity he makes a dent in her love.
A man's first lie wounds a woman's heart, the second breaks it, the third mends it, and all the rest simply harden it.
Dissimulation is the price of peace – but it's awfully hard for a married woman to preserve the peace by deceiving her husband into thinking that he is deceiving her, every time he tries.
Of course men are not so suspicious as women. A woman in love would be jealous of a store dummy; but how can a man possibly suspect that any girl on whom he may bestow himself could ever think of anybody else?
A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him – but the considerate woman gets him.
There never was a man too nearsighted to see the look of admiration in a pretty woman's eyes.
WIFE: The woman from whom a man failed to escape and to whom he complacently refers as "the little woman I married."
MARRIAGE: The intermission between the wedding and the divorce.
WEDDING: The point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.
Most girls, nowadays, would give a lot for a few solid vows, a few unshrinkable signs of devotion and a really convincing kiss.
It isn't a husband's disinclination to listen to his wife's conversation, but that "I-am-ready-to-bear-with-you" expression with which he does it that grates on her nerves so.
The average man has so much heart that he apparently thinks it a pity to waste it all on one woman.
Alas! Why is it that when your cup of happiness is full somebody always jogs your elbow!
Never judge a man's love by the ardor of his first kiss, nor by the tenderness of his second, but by the eagerness with which he seeks the third.
When it comes to making love, a girl can always listen so much faster than a man can talk.
If nothing but their heart-strings became entangled, people would not find the marriage tie so binding; it is a man's purse-strings and a woman's apron-strings that really form the Gordian knot.
In love, a man loses first his head, then his vanity, then his poise – and, last of all, his heart.
It is much more comfortable to be considered a "little devil" and get a credit mark every time you do anything right, than to be considered an "angel" and get a black mark every time you do anything human.
Love is a game at which a woman must play against stacked cards, and without the slightest inkling of the trump.
A woman's last resort is henna – a man's Gehenna.
To a woman marriage is the beginning of life; to a man it is the end of "liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
Perfect wife: That which a married man always fancies he might have gotten if he had kept on experimenting a little longer.
Why is it that, no matter how much a man thinks of one girl, he can't help thinking of a lot of others at the same time?
Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.
IT IS QUITE CORRECT TO SEND YOUR FORMER HUSBAND A GIFT ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR DIVORCE, IN REMEMBRANCE OF "THE MANY HAPPY DAYS WHICH YOU HAVE SPENT – APART"
DIVORCES
LOVE, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.
Most marriages, nowadays, seem built for speed rather than for endurance.
A divorcée is one who has graduated from the Correspondence School of Experience.
Marriage, according to the merry Widow-reno, is a "perfectly lovely experience to have had!"
Grass Widow: The angel whom a man loved, the human being he married, and the devil he divorced.
Most actresses are married – now and then; most literary women – off and on; most society women – from time to time.
In olden days, the lover cried, in burning words and brave,
"Oh darling, be my Queen, my Bride – and let me be your slave!"
But nowadays, he murmurs, over cigarette and tea,
"Say, when you get your next divorce, will you (puff) marry me?"
When a woman obtains her second divorce, one hardly knows whether to class her as a good loser, a bad chooser, or just a "poor sport."
Why is it that when a man hears that a woman has had a "past," he is always so anxious to brighten up her present?
Many a woman's sole reason for getting a divorce is because she is tired of holding onto heaven with one hand and onto a man with the other.
When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
That "just-after-the-divorce" feeling is not the exhilarating thing many people imagine it. It is more like the mingled sensation of pain and relief that comes the moment after you have removed a tight slipper and before the ache has subsided.
Divorce is the Great Divide, over which most men expect to pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds.
Reno! The land of the free and the grave of the home!
THIRD INTERLUDE
IN the abstract a man admires nobility and intelligence in a woman; but in the concrete he always prefers a bird of Paradise to a wren, a decoration to an inspiration and incense to common sense.
"Intuition" is what a man calls a girl's ability to see through him, before marriage; "suspicion" is what he calls it, after marriage.
Satan, himself, could no doubt make any woman love him, if he took the trouble to convince her that it was "her beauty that drove him to Hades."
Of course, polygamy is dreadful; but, at least, an Oriental wife can come within four or five guesses of knowing where her husband spends his evenings.
Take care of a woman's vanity – and her love will take care of itself.
Ever since Eve started it all by offering Adam the apple, woman's punishment has been to have to supply a man with food and then suffer the consequences when it disagrees with him.
The wings of love are not clipped by marriage; they merely molt for lack of exercise.
All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly or whatever else it happens to be.
Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker should have married and didn't; save them for the girl he will marry and shouldn't.
It requires a little moisture to make a postage stamp stick and a little cold water of indifference to make a sweetheart stick.
There are only two kinds of perfectly faultless men – the dead and the deadly.
In order to see a man in his most interesting colors a woman always has to scrape off a lot of unnecessary whitewashing.
Marriage is a discord that turns "Love's Old Sweet Song" from a eulogy into an elegy.
The height of the average girl's ambition is just about six feet.
You can always cure a man of love-sickness with "mental suggestion" merely by suggesting to him that the girl is trying to marry him.
Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anaesthetic.
Jealousy is the false alarm that wakes us up from love's young dream.
The most successful men are not those who have been inspired by a wise woman's love, but those who have perspired in order to gratify a foolish woman's whims.
It is easier to keep half a dozen lovers guessing than to keep one lover after he has stopped guessing.
A man's soul lies so close to his digestion that when he looks blue and downhearted, a woman never knows whether to offer him a kiss, a meal, a dose of philosophy or a dyspepsia tablet.
A woman is so complex that she can prove to a man by every possible convincing argument that she feels nothing but platonic friendship for him, at the same time that she is thinking how she would like to run her fingers through his hair.
One reason why a man's life is so much fuller than a woman's is because he spends nearly three-quarters of it in hunting up things for a woman to do.
Oh yes, a woman always looks up to a brave, strong man whom she can respect – and then nine times out of ten, goes and marries some pallid weakling whom she can "mother."
A man spends his boyhood struggling against an education, his youth struggling against matrimony and his middle-age struggling against embonpoint; but sooner or later he succumbs to all of them.
No man wants an "equal" but an angel. If Satan himself should decide to marry he wouldn't go around looking for a congenial little Satanette, but for a paragon who had a pull with St. Peter.
