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ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time there was a little girl, just like you, who couldn’t count two. And she had a dreadful time about it! She did not know she had two feet, so she sometimes forgot to put on both her shoes; she did not know she had two eyes, so she would sometimes go to sleep with one eye, and stay awake with the other; she did not know she had two ears, so she would sometimes hear half of what Mamma said, and not hear the other.

One day Mamma called to her and said, “Pet, I want you to take this syrup and put it in my closet!”

Now Pet was only listening with one ear, and so she only heard the first half of what Mamma said: “I want you to take this syrup.” That was what she heard.

She liked the syrup very much, for she had ten drops in a teaspoon whenever she had a sore throat, and she had always wished Mamma would give her more.

And now she was just to “take it.” That must mean to take the whole bottle, if she liked. She put the bottle to her lips and took a good long draught. It was more than half-empty when she stopped to take breath, and then, – the syrup did not seem to taste good any longer. She put the bottle down.

Oh – dear – me! In about ten minutes Pet was the very sickest little girl you ever saw in your life. Mamma put her to bed, and sent for the doctor, and she had to take four different kinds of medicine before she got well, not one of which tasted good at all.

So now, you see, it is a very good plan for little wee girls to learn to count two.

THE PATHETIC BALLAD OF CLARINTHIA JANE LOUISA

(To be sung to the tune of “The Monkey married the Baboon’s Sister.”)

 
This is Clarinthia Jane Louisa,
Holding her brother Ebenezer:
Here he sits on the post to please her, —
Happy little two!
 
 
Dog came by with a growl and a grumble,
Made Clarinthia start and stumble;
Poor Ebenezer got a tumble,
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
 

A DAY IN THE COUNTRY

 
We’re spending the day,
In the pleasantest way,
With Uncle Eliphalet Brown:
We may run at our ease,
And do just what we please,
And we never can do that in town.
 
 
For “Quack!” says the duck,
And the hen says “Cluck!”
And the chickens say, “Peepity-wee!”
And John milks the cow,
Though he doesn’t know how,
And we’re happy as happy can be.
 

GOOSEY LUCY

It chanced one day that Lucy came into the kitchen just as Fido, her Aunt Mary’s little dog, was eating his dinner.

He had a good dinner, and he was making a great fuss over it, growling with pleasure, shaking his ears and wagging his tail.

His tail was a very funny one, with a little black bunch at the end of it, and it wiggled and waggled this way and that way.

“Fido,” said Lucy, “I don’t think you ought to wag your tail when you are eating. Mamma says we must sit very still at the table. To be sure, you are not sitting, and you are not at the table, but, all the same, I think you had better not wag your tail.”

Fido paid no attention to these sensible remarks, but continued briskly to wag the offending tail.

“Do you hear me Fido?” said Lucy. “I say, don’t wag it!”

Fido gave a short bark of protest, but took no further notice.

“Then I must hold it for you!” Lucy continued, severely. “Mamma held my hands once when I would not stop cutting holes in my pinafore; but I was young then, and I thought the spots ought to be taken out. But you are not young, Fido, and I wonder at you, that I do!”

Then Lucy took hold of the tail, and tried to hold it; but Fido danced about, and pulled it away, and then wagged it all the harder, thinking she meant to play with him.

“Indeed!” said Lucy, “I am not playing, Master Fido. Now you shall see!”

So she got a piece of stout twine, and tied Fido’s tail to the leg of a chair.

“There!” she said, “now finish your dinner, like a good little dog, and don’t give me any more trouble.”

But Fido would not eat his dinner with his tail tied up. He threw back his head, and gave a piteous little howl. Lucy sat down on a stool beside him, and folding her hands, as she had seen her mother do, prepared to give the naughty pet “a good talking to,” as nurse used to say.

At that moment, however, her mother’s voice was heard, calling “Lucy! Lucy! Where are you?”

“Here, Mamma!” cried Lucy. “I am coming! I meant to pick them up before dinner, anyhow! yes I did!” And she flew up stairs, for she knew quite well that she had set out all her doll’s dishes, tea-set and dinner-set and kitchen things, on the nursery floor, and left them there.

And now nurse had come in with baby in her arms, and had walked right over the pretty French dinner-set, and there was very little of it left to tell the tale.

Dear! dear! it was not at all nice to pick up the pieces, even if nurse had not been scolding all the time, and Mamma standing by with that grave look, waiting to see that it was properly done.

But how about Fido? Oh, Lucy had quite forgotten about Fido. But Fido had not forgotten himself, and a very hard time the poor little fellow was having.

He ran round the chair several times, till he brought himself up close against it; then he tried to unwind himself again, but only became more and more entangled. He pushed the hateful chair backwards till it struck a little table on which was a tray full of dishes. Over went the table, down went the tray, crash went the dishes!

“Yow! yow! yo-o-o-ow!” howled Fido.

“Oh! oh! oh!” shrieked Bridget, the cook, who came in at that moment; and then – whack! whack! whack! went the broomstick over the poor doggie’s back.

The noise was so great that Mamma came flying down, and nurse and Lucy, too, with the broken soup tureen in her hand.

“Oh, don’t beat him!” cried Lucy, “don’t beat him, Bridget! It was my fault, for I tied him to the chair, and then forgot about him.”

“And why, for the pity’s sake, miss, did ye tie the baste to the chair?” said Bridget, still angry. “Look at every dish I have in the kitchen all broken in smithereens!”

“He would wag his tail while he ate his dinner,” faltered Lucy, “and I wanted to teach him better manners; and so – and so – ” But here poor Goosey Lucy broke down completely, and sat down among the shattered dishes, and hugged Fido and wept over him.

And Fido, who had the sweetest temper in the world, wagged the poor abused tail (which had been quickly released by nurse), and forgave her at once.

And Bridget and nurse laughed; and Mamma kissed her little foolish daughter, and bade her not cry any more.

But Lucy had to go to bed, all the same, for Mamma said it was the only proper place for a child who had broken (or caused to be broken, which amounted to the same thing), seventy-two dishes, large and small, in less than half an hour. And I suppose Mamma was right, don’t you?

GOOSEY LUCY’S NEW YEAR’S CALLS

“Where are you going, Uncle Fred?” asked Lucy.

“I am going to make New Year’s calls, little girl,” replied Uncle Fred.

“And how do you make them? What are they made of?” inquired Lucy.

“Oh – ah – my dear child!” said Uncle Fred, who was looking for his umbrella in a great hurry, “they are not made of anything. You – ah – you just call, you know, on all the people you know. Oh, here it is! Good-by, little girl! I must be off.”

And off he hurried, leaving Lucy, mystified, in the hall.

“You just call!” she repeated. “Just call all the people you know. Why, that is easy enough, but what a funny thing to do!”

She pondered a few minutes and then continued, “I think I will go and make New Year’s calls. It must be great fun! Perhaps I shall meet Uncle Fred, and then we can call together, and that will be just twice as loud.”

Away ran the little girl to her room. Blue coat, blue leggings, blue mittens, swan’s-down hood, all were on in three minutes’ time; and without a thought of Mamma or nurse or anybody else, Lucy slipped out of the door, and ran merrily down the street.

Oh, how fresh and clear the air was! How the snow sparkled in the sunlight! What a fine thing it was to make New Year’s calls!

And now the question was, where she should call first. Why, at Grandma’s, of course! her house was in the square, just round the corner. And then she would go to Aunt Maria’s, and then, – well, she would think about the next place as she went along, but here was Grandmamma’s house now.

Lucy looked up at all the windows, but no one was in sight.

So much the better! She planted herself squarely on the curbstone, and opening her mouth to its fullest extent, shouted, “Grandmamma! Grandmamma! Grandmamma!! GrandMAMMA!!!”

Her grandmother, who was sitting quietly by the fire, reading, heard the piercing screams, and running to the window as fast as her dear old feet could carry her, saw Lucy, panting and crimson, with her mouth just opening for another shout.

Something had happened at home, – an accident, probably! No time must be lost. Grandmamma threw up the sash.

“Run and call the doctor!” she cried. “Quick, dear! Don’t stop to tell me about it, but run! I will be there in three minutes!” And she shut the window, and trembling with anxiety, hastened to put on her shawl and bonnet, and almost ran through the snow to her daughter’s house.

Meanwhile, Lucy ran on in high glee. “I hadn’t thought of the doctor!” she said, “but of course I will go there, as Grandmamma wishes it. What fun it is!”

The doctor’s house was soon reached, and Lucy’s shouts brought the good man quickly to the door.

“Bless me!” he said, “Mrs. Graham’s little girl! Baby ill again, I suppose? All right, my dear!” he cried to Lucy. “I’ll be there instantly. Run and tell them I’m coming!” and he shut the door and called for his boots.

Lucy danced along, enchanted with her new play, and soon reached Aunt Maria’s house, where she called again, with might and main. Now, Aunt Maria was slightly deaf, and when she heard her own name resounding in a clear, shrill scream, “Aunt Mari-i-i-i-ia!!” she thought it was a cry of fire!

Throwing up the window (she was a very nervous and excitable person), she shrieked, “Fire! fire! Police! watchman! Help! help! Fire!! FIRE!!!” till everyone within a dozen blocks heard her, and came rushing to the rescue with buckets and fire extinguishers.

Lucy was rather frightened at all this, and thought, on the whole, she would not make any more calls that day.

So she went home. And there were Grandmamma and the doctor and Mamma, all waiting for her, with very grave faces.

The two first had arrived, breathless and agitated, inquiring what had happened, and who was ill.

Much perplexity followed. And now that the author of all the mischief had arrived, what should be done to her?

Lucy’s finger went into her mouth, and her head went down.

But she told her story truthfully; and it was such a funny one that the doctor burst into a roar of laughter, and Grandmamma laughed heartily, and even Mamma could not look grave.

So Goosey Lucy had a lecture, and a New Year’s cookie, and went to tell her dolls all about it, while Mamma and Grandmamma and the doctor went to see how Aunt Maria was.

THREE LITTLE BIRDS

 
Three little birds
Sat upon a tree.
The first said “Chirrup!”
The second said “Chee!”
The third said nothing,
(The middle one was he,)
But sat there a-blinking,
Because he was a-thinking.
“Pee-wit! pee-wit! Yes, that is it!
Pee-wip, pee-wop, pee-wee!”
 
 
Three little birds
Sat upon a bough.
The first said, “When is dinner-time?”
The second said, “Now!”
The third said nothing,
(The middle one was he,)
But sat there a-blinking,
Because he was a-thinking.
“Pee-wit! pee-wit! Yes, that is it!
Pee-wip! pee-wop! pee-wee!”
 
 
Three little birds
Flew down to the ground,
And soon, by working very hard,
A fine fat worm they found.
The third flew down between them,
(The middle one was he,)
And ate it up like winking
Because he had been thinking.
“Pee-wit! pee-wit! Yes, that is it!
Pee-wip! pee-wop! pee-wee!”
 

THE QUACKY DUCK

The Quacky Duck stood on the bank of the stream. And the frogs came and sat on stones and insulted him. Now the words which the frogs used were these, —

 
“Ya! ha! he hasn’t any hind-legs!
Ya! ha! he hasn’t any fore-legs!
Oh! what horrid luck
To be a Quacky Duck!”
 

These were not pleasant words. And when the Quacky Duck heard them, he considered within himself whether it would not be best for him to eat the frogs.

“Two good things would come of it,” he said. “I should have a savoury meal, and their remarks would no longer be audible.”

So he fell upon the frogs, and they fled before him. And one jumped into the water, and one jumped on the land, and another jumped into the reeds; for such is their manner. But one of them, being in fear, saw not clearly the way he should go, and jumped even upon the back of the Quacky Duck. Now, this displeased the Quacky Duck, and he said, “If you will remove yourself from my person, we will speak further of this.”

So the frog, being also willing, strove to remove himself, and the result was that they two, being on the edge of the bank, fell into the water. Then the frog departed swiftly, saying, “Solitude is best for meditation.”

But the Quacky Duck, having hit his head against a stone, sank to the bottom of the pond, where he found himself in the frogs’ kitchen. And there he spied a fish, which the frogs had caught for their dinner, intending to share it in a brotherly manner, for it was a savoury fish. When the Quacky Duck saw it, he was glad; and he said, “Fish is better than frog” (for he was an English duck)! And, taking the fish, he swam with speed to the shore.

Now the frogs lamented when they saw him go, for they said, “He has our savoury fish!” And they wept, and reviled the Quacky Duck.

But he said, “Be comforted! for if I had not found the fish, I should assuredly have eaten you. Therefore, say now, which is the better for you?” And he ate the fish, and departed joyful.

NEW YEAR THOUGHTS

 
When the new year’s come,
When the new year’s come,
Then I will be a soldier,
A-beating on a drum.
A-beating on a drum,
And a-tooting on a fife:
And the new year, the new year
Oh, that’s the best in life.
 
 
When the new year comes,
When the new year comes,
I sha’n’t have any joggraphy,
I sha’n’t have any sums.
I sha’n’t have any sums,
Nor any rule of three,
And the new year, the new year
Oh, that’s the time for me.
 
 
P.S. – When the new year came,
When the new year came,
I had to go to school
Just exacketly the same!
Exacketly the same!
Do you think ’twas kind of mother?
And the new year, the new year
Is just like any other!
 

NONSENSE

 
Margery Maggot,
She lighted a faggot,
To cook a repast for her cat.
But instead of a bone,
She made soup of a stone,
And gave the poor animal that.
 
 
Barney O’Groggan,
He bought a toboggan,
And went out to coast on the hill.
But he soon tumbled off,
And came home with a cough,
And his grandmother gave him a pill.
 
 
Triptolemus Tupper,
Came home to his supper,
And called for a pelican pie.
But ’twas covered with fat,
And when he saw that,
Poor Trippy was ready to die.
 
 
Peter Polacko
Was fond of tobacco,
And purchased a pipe for to smoke.
But against his desire
His whiskers caught fire,
And Peter was made into coke.
 
 
Prudence Pedantic,
She nearly went frantic
Because her small nephew said, “’Taint!”
But when her big brother
Said “Hain’t got none, nuther!”
She fell on the floor in a faint.
 

THE SINGULAR CHICKEN

Hal woke up very early on Christmas morning, so early that it was still quite dark.

He crept out of bed and ran to the chimney, got his stocking, which had been hung there the night before, and carried it back to bed with him.

Oh, what a delightful fat, lumpy stocking it was! Why did not the daylight come, so that he might see what was in it?

This was an orange on top; he could tell that without seeing it. And this long, soft thing, which jingled as he pulled it out? Oh, a pair of reins! How nice! But what was this that came next?

Ah! little Hal must wait till daylight for that, for his tiny fingers refused to tell him what it was.

Wait he did, very impatiently, consoling himself with his orange.

But at last a little gray light came stealing in at the window, and two little bare feet went trotting across the floor, and two little hands held up a mysterious object to the light.

It was a chicken! a most beautiful yellow chicken, with bright black eyes and a little sharp beak, and, – oh! what was this? Why! why! the chicken’s head came off, and the chicken’s body was all full of sugar-plums!

“Oh! oh! oh!” cried little Hal. “Mammy! Mammy! come and look at dis chicken! He can spit his head out!”

THE CLEVER PARSON

 
My children, come tell me now if you have ever
Heard of the parson who was so clever.
So clever, so clever, so clever was he,
That never a cleverer parson could be.
 
 
The parson loved children; he also loved walking,
And off to the woods he was constantly stalking.
To hear the sweet birds, and to see the green trees,
And to do just exactly whate’er he might please.
 
 
The children they followed him once to the wood, —
(They loved the good parson, because he was good!)
They followed him on for many a mile
To list to his voice, and to look at his smile.
 
 
At length the children cried “Oh, —dear me!
We’re tired! as tired as tired can be!
’Tis supper time, too, while afar we thus roam;
Now please, dear parson, to carry us home!”
 
 
The children were six, and the parson was one.
Now, goodness gracious! what was to be done?
He sat himself down in the shade of a tree,
And pondered the matter most thoughtfully.
 
 
At length he exclaimed, “My dear little chicks,
I might carry one, but I can’t carry six!
Yet courage! Your parson’s good care will provide
That each of you home on his own horse shall ride!”
 
 
He drew out his jackknife so broad and so bright,
And fell to work slashing with main and with might;
Till ready there, one, two, three, four, five and six,
Lay smooth and well polished, some excellent sticks.
 
 
“Now mount your good horses, my children!” he cried.
“Now mount your good horses and merrily ride!
A pace, and a trot, and a gallop, away!
And we shall be there ere the close of the day!”
 
 
The children forgot they were “dreadfully tired!”
They seized on the hobbies, with ardour inspired.
“Gee, Dobbin! whoa, Dobbin! come up, Dobbin, do!
Oh! Parson, dear Parson, won’t you gallop, too?”
 
 
Away went the children, in frolicsome glee:
Away went the parson, as pleased as could be.
And when they arrived at the village, they cried,
“Oh, dear! and oh, dear! what a very short ride!”
 

THE PURPLE FISH

Shall I tell you what happened to Elsie one day? She was sitting on the beach in her green cart, which had lost both wheels, so that it was not of much use as a cart, though very nice to sit in. And presently, a purple fish, with a yellow tail, came and looked at her. And he said, —

 
“Little maiden fair to see,
Will you take a trip with me?”
 

Elsie smiled and answered, —

 
“Yes, I will, without a doubt,
If you will not tip me out.”
 

Then the purple fish took the string of the cart in his mouth and swam away. The cart bobbed up and down on the waves, and behaved quite like a boat, and Elsie clapped her hands, and laughed and sang. The fish swam on and on, till at length he came to a little island, all covered with purple hyacinths and yellow violets. Here he stopped and bade Elsie get out, saying, —

 
“Now, if you will marry me,
Here we’ll live and happy be.”
 

But Elsie did not like this at all, though the island was very beautiful. She shook her head resolutely, and replied, —

 
“If you please, I do not wish
For to marry any fish!”
 

Then the purple fish was angry, and his yellow tail quivered with vexation. He said, sternly, —

 
“If you will not be my wife,
You shall stay here all your life!”
 

And off he swam, taking the green cart with him. Poor Elsie was very unhappy, for she could not bear to think of spending her whole life on the island, and yet she did not want to marry a fish, even if her Mamma were willing, which she was quite sure she would not be. But, as she was sitting there, making a wreath of the yellow violets, two sea-gulls came flying by. They stopped when they saw Elsie, and one of them said, —

 
“Here, upon this purple island,
What do I see but a human chisland!”
 

“There isn’t any such word as ‘chisland!’” said Elsie. “It is ‘child,’ don’t you know?”

“I am not very familiar with English,” replied the sea-gull. “The other word rhymes better; but I am not prejudiced. What are you doing here, child?”

“Nothing!” replied Elsie. “If you please, did you ever marry a fish?”

Both the sea-gulls showed strong signs of disgust at this, and said, —

“We eat fish, but never marry them. Why do you ask?”

“Because the purple fish with the yellow tail said I must stay here all my life unless I would marry him. And he has taken away my green cart, so that I cannot get home.”

“As to that,” said the sea-gulls, “we can easily manage to get you home. Put your arms around our necks and hold on tight!”

So the sea-gulls flew away with Elsie, and brought her safely home. She kissed them and thanked them.

“What can I give you, dear sea-gulls,” she asked, “in return for your saving me from that horrid fish?”

“Could you give us your golden curls?” asked the sea-gulls. “We think they would become us, and they are a thing not often seen in our society.”

No, Elsie could not do that.

“But,” she said, “I can give you each a necklace of glass beads, fastened with a rosette of peach-coloured ribbon. I made them yesterday for my dolls, but you are welcome to them.”

“Just the thing!” said the sea-gulls.

So Elsie put the necklaces round their necks, and they thanked her, and flew away. I have been told that they flew straight to the island, and spent the whole afternoon in making rude remarks to the purple fish with the yellow tail, but one need not believe all one hears.