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Monday 23 May

I expected some sort of fanfare, going back to work. To be treated differently. I feel different. Very grown-up. Last time I saw everyone, I was Single Man, now I’m Married Man. I speak the language of Married Man. I’m part of the Holy Order of Married Men. I know the Code. I can do mother-in-law jokes.

Favourite mother-in-law joke

My father-in-law was pulled over by the police the other day. The policeman said, ‘Sir, your wife fell out of the car five miles back.’

My father-in-law replied, ‘Thank God for that, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Second favourite mother-in-law joke

A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, ‘Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?’

The vet examines the tail and says, ‘But look here, there’s nothing wrong with his tail. Why do you want it off?’

The man replies, ‘Because my mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think she’s welcome.’

I deserve some sort of recognition. A plaque? But all Johnson and the other blokes want to know is if I managed to consummate the marriage on the night (‘None of your business but yes’), and the girls only ask about the dress (‘It was white’), the confetti (‘Yes, there was some’) and the honeymoon (‘I don’t want to talk about it’).

Then they all see I’m not wearing a wedding ring.

‘You’re not wearing a wedding ring.’

‘No.’

‘Want to keep your options open, do you?’

‘No.’

‘Why aren’t you wearing one then?’

‘Because it’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery. And I don’t need to wear one to make sure I’m faithful. Our relationship is based on a bit more than a meaningless bit of platinum. And I looked stupid with a ring on.’

Can’t wait to get home to my wife. Got home and she’s out with bloody Alex. When she comes back, she says, ‘Well, why aren’t you wearing one?’

‘We’ve already discussed this a thousand times. It’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery.’

‘Not traditional in your family.’

‘I’ll wear one if you want.’

‘It’s up to you but I think it would be nice. You know, I’m really, really proud to wear my wedding ring.’

This is something Isabel is good at: twisting an argument so that what a minute ago sounded fair and reasonable coming out of your mouth sounds like something about as acceptable as kitten-stamping. If you were cynical, you’d interpret this as manipulative. I know Isabel though: it’s only 20 per cent manipulation, 25 per cent misguided reasonableness and 55 per cent being typically female.

Tuesday 24 May

Pub crisis meeting with Andy and Johnson. Johnson starts, as he always does, by sucking in his cheeks, crossing his elbows and rocking back on his bar stool authoritatively. He reminds me, as he also always does, that he’s been married for ten difficult years; that if he can do it, married to the woman he is, then anyone can. What he doesn’t know about patching up quarrels, dodging marital bullets and ducking domestic pincer movements isn’t worth wasting good beer time discussing.

‘Come on then,’ Andy and I say in unison, ignoring, as we always do, the fact that Johnson’s hard-working, sensible, intelligent, patient and long-suffering wife Ali has almost certainly had a harder time putting up with ten years of the infant Johnson than he has putting up with her.

‘It’s not traditional,’ he offers at last.

‘Said that.’

‘How’s a piece of jewellery going to make any difference whether you’re faithful or not?’

‘Said that too.’

‘If you’re going to shag someone, a ring won’t stop you. You could just take it off.’

‘Yep, didn’t say that.’

‘And besides, there’s a certain type of woman who goes for men because they’re wearing wedding rings. Predatory women who want sex. Terrible women, these. They come at you in a bar, you’re sitting there having a drink, minding your own business, wearing your wedding ring, and they strike. These wanton, brazen, ravishing women with their short skirts and their stockings and their completely amoral attitude to fornication. The wedding ring is no defence. “Look, I’m married,” you say. “I don’t want a relationship, you sexy, sexy man,” they purr, running their filthy-temptress fingers down your tie. “I want you. And I want you now.”’

Johnson is running his fingers down my chest seductively.

‘I’ve got the idea.’

‘And before you know it, you’re waking up in the wrong hotel room with some brazen harlot in some filthy negligée ordering postcoital petit déjeûner.’

Andy says a ring to him is like a symbolic chattel, a sign of ownership—a ring-cuff, if you will. Love, if it’s true, doesn’t need symbols of repression. I point out that Isabel has a wedding ring. Andy nods sagely and, not for the first time, I wonder why I ever bother asking my two best friends anything.

Nevertheless, it is worth one more try. I wait until Isabel is brushing her teeth before mentioning the brazen, harlotish, fornicating women in bars. She says she’s prepared to take the risk, then spits for effect.

Getting a ring next week.

The trouble with asking Johnson or Andy anything about women

Johnson is an expert in the art of handling the opposite sex by virtue of the fact that he is older than me and Andy. He likes to use the standard line on this. ‘Ten years, man, ten years—if I’d killed her instead of marrying her, I could have been out on parole by now.’

Before Johnson ‘went soft’ and came to work on Life & Times magazine with me, he was a hard-bitten crime reporter on the Manchester Evening News. Somewhere along the line, he has muddled his time working the sink estates, covering stories of social decay, organised crime and young lives wasted with marriage. He sees them as the same thing.

‘I know what makes women tick,’ he says. ‘You can’t trust them. Not ever. They will stab you in the back the moment you think they’re your friend.’

‘Are you talking about women or inner-city drug dealers?’

‘Same thing, my son. Same thing.’

He thinks Isabel is the best thing that ever happened to me and can’t understand why I had to ruin it all by marrying her.

Andy, meanwhile, is an expert in the art of handling the opposite sex by virtue of the fact that he has handled an awful lot of them. The only problem here is that he has never handled them for any length of time. He isn’t a womaniser, he is an optimist. He travels the world falling in love when he should be representing Her Majesty’s Government. Then, inevitably, visa issues, flight schedules, language barriers and, occasionally, husbands get in the way. He has now concluded that love transcends the boundaries of time and space. He thinks Isabel is the best thing that ever happened to me but that marriage is nothing more than several signatures on a meaningless piece of paper. ‘True love transcends time, space and institution,’ he says.

‘So how is that waitress from the cupboard?’ I reply.

‘She will always have a place in my heart.’

‘You’re not moving to Manly?’

‘And leave you two? All married and alone? I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.’

Wednesday 25 May

Isabel wants to know what Johnson, Andy and I always talk about at the pub, besides brazen, harlotish women in bars.

‘Stuff,’ I say.

‘What stuff?’ It’s not the first time she has asked but this time she says she has a right to know.

‘I am your wife. You shouldn’t be going out with them any more. Not without telling me what you talk about.’

This is the sort of thing Johnson has been warning me about. I must nip it in the bud.

‘Well …’ I begin with a sharp, scandalised intake of breath.

‘I was joking,’ she says. ‘It’s only that you never seem to come back from the pub with any news about the two of them. I was curious about how you pass the time.’

This could easily be a trick. If I was a better chess player, I’d be able to work out the various permutations before I opened my mouth. I don’t think she’s trying to trick me. She’s simply making conversation. She likes talking to me when we get back from work. She likes it more than watching television. This is obviously a compliment but it does mean I am no longer up to speed with The Bill. It could also still be a trick.

‘Well, you can come.’

‘What?’

‘Come to the pub.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Er, yes.’ Suddenly, I’m not. I should have just moved the pawn. That would have been fine.

‘Okay, but you have to talk about the things you always talk about. No chatting about art and poetry and horse-riding just for my benefit.’

These are the things she really does like to talk about, which is sometimes a problem. I don’t know very much about art but she does, on account of her highly arty family upbringing. The poetry of the Romantic Period was her special subject at university and, unlike everyone else who went to university, she still remembers it. And made me go to several poetry recitals when we first met just because she really, really wants to share the joy of it all. I almost got it. I almost did. I could see why she loved it and why I was a useless philistine for not loving it as much.

Horse-riding, though. That’s where we really come unstuck. She loves horse-riding. When we’re tired of London (about five years) and we’ve won the lottery, she wants to move to somewhere remote and horsey like North Wales. She wants to ride and muck out stables and give out carrots and blow in horses’ nostrils because they love it. She likes smelling of horse.

We’ll never see eye to eye on the joy of horses.

I phone Andy and Johnson, both of whom are suspicious, even when I tell them we don’t have to talk about poetry. Reluctantly, they agree to meet me and Isabel in the pub on Friday—and pretend she’s a bloke.

Thursday 26 May

Woke up with absolutely no idea of the eureka moment about to occur in the bathroom. Bath, teeth, flossed a little bit, nothing out of the ordinary. Attempt to shave, but last razor is on last legs. I’m busy hacking away like a tired peasant in a cornfield when, out of the corner of my eye, I spot another option lying provocatively on the shelf: Isabel’s pink leg-razor. Isabel is still in bed and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Amazing. It’s all over in a flash, a clean shave, my skin all silky smooth. Pink girly razor: the best a man can get … I put it back, so no one will ever know. Skip to work, delighted that the years of hacking away and patching up cuts with bits of loo roll might be over.

Friday 27 May

Isabel found dark stubbly hair in her razor. Firmly told not to do it again or she’ll tell Johnson.

‘Evening, boys.’

‘Evening, Isabel.’

The four of us are in the pub. Johnson is behaving like he’s in an interrogation room. He squints suspiciously at Isabel.

‘Well, since I’m the honorary bloke, I’ll get the first round.’

While we sit in silence, she goes to the bar, returning minutes later with four pints of bitter, four whisky chasers and four packets of pork scratchings. Everyone starts to relax.

Three pints later, we are playing one of Isabel’s traveller drinking games. A pint after that, Andy is explaining to us how breasts vary from one nation to the next. Then, Isabel tells everyone that I use a Ladyshave. Then Johnson tells us his post-pee dribble trick.

Johnson’s post-pee dribble trick

You have to trick it. Finish the pee, shake as usual, put away, zip up, pretend you’re leaving then retrieve when it thinks it’s in the clear and have another shake. I tried it and it works. Andy did too. Can’t believe I’m almost thirty and only now have I truly mastered the art of urinating.

Rest of evening spent discussing where to hold the door handle on the way out of the toilet. I always hold it at the top corner, where other people don’t touch it. Johnson reckons that doesn’t work because it’s the bit least likely to be cleaned properly. Even though it’s touched less, the germs have longer to prosper. Andy uses his shirtsleeve or waits for someone else to come in. Isabel thinks we should get out more.

Saturday 28 May

Andy is unconscious, perhaps dead, on our sofa. Johnson called to say he fell asleep on the night bus and woke up in a depot near Hounslow. I feel as sick as I did on the third day of our honeymoon after eating the warm lamb rogan josh.

Isabel, on the other hand, is eating toast and contemplating a fry-up.

‘I think I’ll skip the next few pub outings. You three are lightweights.’

‘Fine by me.’

‘And it really is true, isn’t it? Blokes can spend a whole night in a pub talking about absolutely nothing whatsoever. No “how was the honeymoon?” or “how’s work?” or “sorry things didn’t work out with the waitress” or “terrible what’s going on in Bangladesh”.’

‘Blokes don’t need to natter on the whole time.’

‘Oh, I see. Okay. Still, at least I know how to shake my willy.’

Johnson was right—women should not be allowed to gatecrash bloke-nights.

WHY BRITISH MEN DON’T NATTER ON THE WHOLE TIME

It’s exhausting.

We’re not Italian.

Life is too short.

We spend our (too short) lives being nattered at by women. It is therefore only sensible to think of male company as a pause between bouts of nattering. Isabel can’t see this because she is a woman. While she made a good honorary bloke last night, she has reverted to type this morning by nattering. Even if she did make an excellent fry-up.

Monday 30 May

Met Isabel four years ago today. Seems like much, much longer. Not in a bad way.

Dinner at Andrew Edmunds (note for next time, refuse downstairs table if upstairs full and go somewhere else instead because left smelling like lamb chops), then a tour of all the bars we’d got drunk in back when we were all excited and unfamiliar with each other. Isabel gets super-nostalgic: ‘We sat on this sofa, you ordered those drinks, you tripped on that step and ruined the dress of a girl sitting at that table. And you were wearing that horrible off-centre skintight jumper.’

I explain, as I did at the time, that it was bias-cut, very fashionable, chosen by a fashion PR who’d felt sorry for me. She explains, as she did at the time, that I will never be fashionable with my sticky-out ears and my sticky-out nose and my pointy little head. And I remember why I fell in love with her. And how we met on a speed-dating evening neither of us had planned to go to.

What if she hadn’t gone along to support her recently dumped friend? What if my mate Tom hadn’t forced me to go along with him because he wasn’t going to turn up on his own ‘like some creepy pervert’?

The speed-date girls I could have ended up with

‘Hello, I’m William.’

‘Hello, William. I’m Alison. Isn’t it hard to meet people these days? Just so busy at the firm…working all the hours. Not a min, simply not a min to meet a man. Wouldn’t be here otherwise, course. If I had some sensible job, you know. Not going to meet someone between my flat and the office, am I?, which is the only time I ever get out these days. I’m not going to fall in love with the fat middle-aged guy who looks up my skirt on the Tube every morning, am I? That’s why I’m here. Not because I’m desperate.’

‘Hi, my name is William.’

‘Right, William. I’ll be straight with you. I’ve been mucked about by men far too much and I’m sick of you lying bastards. Yes, I’m blonde and yes, I have very large breasts but that doesn’t mean I’m a tart. I want to know, right now, before we go a single second further, if you’re seriously looking for love, if you want to have a relationship. You know, with actual dating and cinemas and walks in the country. I’m not interested in wasting any more time with no-hopers. Capiche?’

‘Good evening, I’m William.’

‘William. Charlotte. Do you ride? Horses, that is. Hahahahaha. I love riding. I’m still talking about horses. Hahahahahahahaha-haha-snort. I ride three. Still horses, William, you filthy-minded man. Hahahahaha. Another glass of ssshampypampy? Oh go on. Oops. Spilt it. Bit squiffy, which is odd because I’ve only had two glasses. We should go riding sometime. Not talking about horses any more, William, hahahahahaha.’

JUNE

‘Marriage is a wonderful invention;But, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.’

BILLY CONNOLLY

Wednesday 1 June
REASONS TO BE HAPPY

Married for a month, only one proper argument and that was under immense airport-related stress. Don’t know what Johnson was worried about. If anything, life with a wife is even more exciting than life with a fiancée. Apart from the John Lewis thing, the Honeymoon That Dare Not Speak Its Name and the new, tougher line in bathroom politics, my first thirty-one days hitched have been nothing short of blissful. Everything is the same but everything is different. In a good way.

And I like my job. It doesn’t matter that I am never going to get a half-mill bonus to blow on a gin palace called That’s My Buoy.Or that I will never be able to splash ten grand on a corked bottle of wine in a snooty restaurant. Or that I won’t have a penthouse serviced by an elevator that has a retractable floor which, if required, drops enemies into a shark-infested swimming pool. Well, it matters a bit but the main thing is I no longer work for Cat World. I have a great boss. I get paid enough to enjoy the simple things in married life: the occasional dinner out, the odd weekend away, a subscription to Money Can’t Buy Happiness Monthly.

REASONS TO BE UNHAPPY

None.

Thursday 2 June
REASONS TO BE UNHAPPY (REVISED)

One.

A new marital rule has been snuck in before I’m even properly awake. It was Isabel’s turn to make the tea, which she did and brought back to bed, looking like butter wouldn’t melt. But the tea tasted bitter and strange. Gave her a ‘this-tea-tastes-strange’ look; she pretended not to notice, went on reading her magazine. Had another taste, looked at her again.

‘Darling, there’s something wrong with the tea.’

THE THREE DIFFERENT USES OF ‘DARLING’

1 Darling. Traditional term of endearment between two partners. As in ‘I love you, darling’ or ‘I’m home, darling.’

2 Darling. Irritating term of endearment between two posh friends. As in, ‘Darling, you look simply super.’ ‘Thank you, darling. And you look simply radiant.’ Very irritating but not as irritating as ‘babes’, which Alex calls Isabel at every opportunity. ‘Hi babes, bye babes, love you, babes.’

3 Darling. Traditional start to an argument between two married persons. As in ‘Darling, there’s something wrong with the tea.’

‘It’s got goat’s milk in it. You can’t taste the difference.’

‘I can taste the difference.’

‘You can’t. It tastes exactly the same.’

‘If it tastes exactly the same, why would we be having this conversation?’

‘We’re not having cow’s milk any more. It’s hard to digest.’

‘What?’

‘Cow’s milk is designed for calves.’

‘We’re not goats either.’

‘What?’

‘We’re not goats. We’re humans.’

‘Look, goat’s milk is much better for you.’

‘But goat’s milk tastes like cat spray.’

‘You should try drinking tea without sugar as well. It’s bad for you.’

‘What?’

In our wedding vows, we had both promised to honour, love and obey each other. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. We’re a modern couple. We were both up for a bit of obeying. Rather sexist if it was only Isabel who said it. The vicar, in one of his compulsory marriage classes, had explained that obeying in a marital context didn’t mean doing what someone said anyway. Oh no, no, no, no. It followed its original Latin meaning, ‘to listen’, as in ‘to empathise’, as in ‘to be lovely to each other all the time’. Which seemed to have slipped Isabel’s mind this morning.

‘But I like sugar in my tea.’

‘You’ll get used to it without. It’s only because I love you, and care about your health, darling.’

And with a gentle pat of the bed linen, she signified that this discussion was over. Henceforth, tea shall be taken with goat’s milk but without sugar. So speaketh the wife.

Feeling quite put upon, I ordered a double espresso at Moor-gate. Then drank sugary cow’s-milky tea all morning. Then ate a whole packet of nuts to reduce sugar-and caffeine-poisoning effects before lunch. Then had no appetite for lunch and had to eat a sandwich at 5 p.m. so then had no appetite for dinner.

NOTE TO SELF: now that you are married, you must capitulate more often. Resistance is inadvisable. At best, it will throw a day’s eating patterns out of kilter. At worst, it will make you wonder what on earth you let yourself in for when you said ‘I do.’ And it’s far too soon to start thinking like that.