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Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 12.42pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… tossers

Is the Coke brief the biggest wank-off yet, or what? Do Crutton and Westbrooke really think we can write decent ads on a strategy like that? ‘Coke: lifeblood’ – what the fuck does it mean? And what’s a ‘carbonated lifestyle delivery system’ when it’s at home? Even Pinki says it stinks. Major worry – I rely on her magic touch with shit briefs. See you in BZ in fifteen and we’ll talk tits: i.e. how the fuck I can get Joanne Guest’s award winning baps into a Kimbelle Super Dri ad without Pinki having me up for Grievous Political Incorrectness.

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 12.45pm

to… Creative Department

cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke

re… arses in gear 2

I am sure you will join me in thanking David and Daniel for a staggeringly inspirational briefing.

‘Coke: lifeblood’ is a truly incisive strategy – one that gives you the chance to do some really famous work.

No doubt your creative juices will be flowing like the Ganges in flood.

I would like to see first thoughts early next week.

Let us get out there and grab the advertising Rottweiler by its hairy testes.

Si

Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 12.49pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… tossers

BZ at 1.00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.

David Crutton – 3/1/00, 12.59pm

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc…

re… e-mail

When the Microsoft ads ask me, ‘Where do you want to go today?’, I do not reply with ‘Finland’ – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.

As Head of IT, surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send a bloody internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.

NB: do not blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework’.

Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 2.10pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Boy, oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.00pm

to… Zoe Clarke

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell! !!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx

Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.03pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.07pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… our meeting

Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla

james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa
3/1/00, 3.15pm (10.15am local)

to… all_departments@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS

I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.

The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.

Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.

Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!

Jim Weissmuller
President, Miller Shanks Worldwide
Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.21pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… hooray!

I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoe

PS I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
3/1/00, 4.13pm (6.13pm local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… FASCINATING FINLAND

Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! ‘The dullest country in Europe’? We are compiling a small list of ‘Finnish Delights’ to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.

• The noble reindeer.

• 397 different flavours of vodka.

• A thriving dancing scene inspired very much by your own Pan’s People.

• The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Räahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!

• Reindeer à la Grêcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.

• The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.

• The National Museum of the Herring in Väasa.

I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish. I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!

Tally-ho! Pertti

PS: My own creativity boffins are now working out their first ‘well-wicked’ Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.16pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.

This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?

I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.24pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Carla Browne

I am so chuffed for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!

Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 4.43pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Razzle (36DD/aerosol of Anchor Cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!

Zoe Clarke – 3/1/00, 4.59pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx

Ken Perry – 3/1/00, 5.08pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… carpeting

You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 5.36pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

David Crutton – 3/1/00, 6.09pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.42pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières. Leave it to me.

By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.

We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.

We are up a creek by the name of merde.

Sans paddle.

As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

Si

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.44pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… teams

Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.48pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Mako

Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.

Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 6.50pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… teams

Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.59pm

to… James Gregory

cc…

re… Mako

You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 7.28pm

to… Creative Department

cc…

bcc… David Crutton

re… your careers

A nightmare is developing on Mako.

We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

‘Is it a gold?’

Si

Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 11.34pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… anybody out there?

It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!

Nige

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 11.36pm

to… Nigel Godley

cc…

re… anybody out there?

Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4^th.

Tuesday 4 January 2000

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 7.57am

to… Harriet Greenbaum; Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

Last night the entire dress circle at the Royal Opera House was disturbed by my mobile phone. The MD of Mako UK wished to know how many times he has to tell us he doesn’t like Little and Large before we get the message. What were his precise words? ‘Putting those end-of-pier excuses for comedians behind the wheel of my brand new, £22,000 executive saloon is not my fucking idea of sexy car advertising.’ I think he made his point.

I’d like the pair of you in my office in thirty minutes and perhaps we can work out how not to lose this account before we’ve made a single ad for them.

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin
4/1/00, 8.02am (10.02am local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Mako

It’s good to see you starting off your day with the early worm, too! How we are loving your Little and Large here in Finland. All of their Seaside Specials are on Satellite Golden Hits Station. Such a pity Mr Mako isn’t sharing your cutting-edge excellent good taste. Oh, well, clients like these are the crutches that we who are choosing advertising must be bearing.

Pip pip! Pertti

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.09am

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc…

re… P45s

Yesterday lunchtime I informed you that my e-mails were misrouting to Finland. I expected an immediate response. So far, sweet fuck-all. I’ve met plumbers more reliable than your department. Do you actually want to end up outside Mile End tube flogging the Big Issue?

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.17am

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… IT

In the midst of some grief I’m having with my e-mail, I had a brainwave. During WW2, when the Nazis were having difficulties with the French Resistance, they’d round up the population of an entire village. Then, for every hour that the partisans didn’t give themselves up, they’d shoot a villager in the head.

I’d like to do something similar with IT. I suspect that shooting them is out of the question, but how about firing one of them for each hour they don’t sort out my problem?

I’d be obliged if you could check out the legality of this under current employment legislation.

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 8.32am

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… IT

David, I’m so sorry. I just got Chandra on the phone. He was unaware of your trouble. If you’ve been trying to reach him by e-mail, he hasn’t been getting them. He says IT is extremely busy but he’ll get straight onto it.

Nigel Godley – 4/1/00, 8.43am

to… All Departments

cc…

re… for sale

BREVILLE WAFFLE IRON

• Jasmine yellow finish

• Nearly new

• Includes adapter to make perfect toastie sarnies!

• The perfect way to ‘toast’ the new Millennium!!

• First to see will buy

• £12 o.n.o.

Call x4667 – Nige

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 9.04am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

For the record, Simon, I didn’t forget to tell you about Mako’s dislike of Little and Large. There was no need. You were at the client meeting before Christmas to hear it for yourself. If you’re going to tell lies to David about what I have or haven’t done, I’d prefer you didn’t do it when I’m in the room. It insults my intelligence.

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 9.10am

to… Harriet Greenbaum

cc…

re… Mako

Do you realise the pressure I am under?

I am expected to manage and inspire a department of twelve creative teams.

I am required to represent the agency’s creative product to our clients – Philistines the lot.

On top of that I have somehow to find the time to deliver creative coups de grâce of my own.

If occasionally I forget some little thing a client says in a meeting, well, I am only human.

Si

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 9.11am

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… stress

Migraine, migraine!

Susi Judge-Davis – 4/1/00, 9.12am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… stress

Coffee and Migraleve on the way, darling … Sx

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 9.16am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

I’m sorry to split hairs, but I wouldn’t have defined the client saying he not only hates Little and Large, but thinks them totally wrong for his brand as a ‘little thing’. All this, though, is academic. I suggest we now co-operate on finding a new campaign. Friday feels horribly close.

Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 9.35am

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… no-go zone

If you and Space Cadet First Class Pinki are planning to show Horne any ideas today, don’t. He’s in a right fucking mood. Vin and me took him our Reeves and Mortimer scripts for Freedom. He pissed all over them – said it was hardly the first time they’d been used. Vin pointed out that this was the first time anyone had used them in a mail-order shopping ad, but it didn’t wash. Who the fuck does he think he is, going on about originality? Poxy Little and fucking Large? Tosser. You know Barry Clement used to be his art director? My mate Nick is in his group at Abbott Mead now and apparently Clement claims Horne didn’t have one original thought in the four years they were together. Clement used to come up with all the ideas and all Horne ever said was, ‘Yes, love, but is it a gold?’ They haven’t spoken since they split up and Clement nearly lamped him at D&AD last year.

Anyway, what happened to you after BZ last night? You were all over that temp like chicken pox. Vin’s well pissed with you. Says he saw her first.