Читать книгу: «The Days of My Life: An Autobiography», страница 27
When Flora closed the piano it was nearly time to go to rest – and I was very glad to find it so. My husband and I were left last in the room when our visitors had retired – and when I went to bid him good night, he took my hand in both of his and put it to his forehead and his lips. I was very much agitated – I faltered out, “Have you anything to say to me?” I could find no other words, and he said, “No – no, nothing but good night.”
THE EIGHTH DAY
MR. Osborne was gone – Flora was gone – and we had relapsed into our former quietness. The neighboring ladies called upon me, and I called upon them in return; but I had no heart either to give or to accept invitations, for our personal relations to each other were unchanged; and though there was peace, entire dead peace, never broken by an impatient word or a hasty exclamation, there was no comfort in this gloomy house of ours. We were so courteous to each other, so afraid to give trouble, so full of thanks for any little piece of service! To my vehement temper strife itself was even better than this, and many times I almost fled out of the house, hurried, at least as much as I could decorously, to refresh my fevered mind in the fresh air, and ponder over our position again and again.
Why did he not make an end of this? – but then the question would come, why did not I make an end of it? I had come home to do him justice, but he had warned me long beforehand that justice would not satisfy him, and had promised solemnly to leave it all in my hands. Had I all the responsibility? – what could I say? – what could I do? – and it was not always easy to keep down a spark of the former bitterness, a momentary resentment against him who would not step in to assist me, but who left all the guilt and all the burden of this unnatural state upon me. For my own part, I persuaded myself that I had done everything I could do – I had made my submission – I had brought him justice; – what more could be done by me?
Every time he made his thanks to me, I was on the point of breaking forth in a passionate protest against being so addressed, but I know not what failing of the heart prevented me. I never did it; I learned to thank him myself after the same fashion, to try if that would sting him into giving up this obnoxious practice. I could see it did sting him, but not so far as this; and we were still polite – oh, so dreadfully courteous, grateful, indebted to each other!
Upon this day I had burst out after my usual fashion, in desperation, able to bear no more. Had Mrs. Ennerdale or any other prudent adviser been able to see into my heart, and to take me to task for it, I could have given no proper reason for my perturbation. My husband had not been unkind, but perfectly the reverse – he was considerate, careful, attentive in the highest degree; I had no reasonable cause to find fault with him – but – I could not be patient to-day. I had suffered a great deal, and permitted no sign of it to appear in my behavior. I had tried to learn the true secret of wifely forbearance, mildness, gentleness; but I was of an impetuous character by nature, and had never been taught to rule or restrain myself. My endurance was worn out – it was in my mind to make an appeal to him, to tell him he was unjust – unjust! – here was I using the term again, when I had wished so often that there was not such a word in the world.
I had my mantle on, and the hood drawn over my head. It was not unusual for me to wander along this quiet country lane in such a simple dress, for there were no passengers here, except the rectory people or villagers from Cottisbourne, and I was close by home. It was late in the afternoon the first day of November, and the weather was dark and cloudy. My husband was in the library, where he always sat; baby was in his cosy nursery up-stairs, in the careful hands of Alice. He, dear little fellow, always wanted me, and I was never unhappy while with him – but darkness and discontent had settled on me now. I realized to myself vividly that gloomy picture of a household – two dull large rooms closely adjoining each other, the young husband shut up in one, the wife in another. Why was it? – he was the first to blame; – why did he fail to yield me now what was due to a woman? Would it not have been generous to take the explanation on himself, and disperse this dreadful stifling mist which every day grew closer around us; – to say – “we have been wrong; let us forget it all, and begin our life again.” He ought to say it – it was my part to wait for him, not he for me; he owed me this, as the last and only reparation he could make for the first deceit which I had forgiven. So I reasoned to myself as I wandered along this solitary road; there was more resentment, more displeasure in my mind than there had been for many a day. It was unnatural, it was shocking, the state of things which now existed. I began to grow indignant at him for not doing what it so clearly seemed his part to do. At this moment I saw Miss Saville advancing very slowly and dully along the road. She was so active and brisk a person at all times, that I was surprised to see the heaviness of her look and face to-day. She came forward reluctantly, as if every step she took added to her burden. Her mind was evidently oppressed and ill at ease, for she looked round her on every side, and started at trivial sounds as if in fear. When she saw me she suddenly stopped, and a red color came to her face. She was not young, and had never been at all pretty. I cannot call this a flush, but only a painful burning red which came to her cheeks – shame, and distress, and fear. I did not want to embarrass and distress her – I knew how much good lay under her formality and her pretensions now.
“Do not let me disturb you,” I said eagerly; “do not mind me at all, pray, Miss Saville; I see you are engaged.”
She waited till I came up to her, looking at me all the time. “I was coming to seek you,” she said; “where were you going, Mrs. Southcote? are you at leisure? I have something to say to you.”
“I was going nowhere,” I said. “I am quite at your service – what is it?”
She looked at me again for a moment; “I can’t tell you what it is – I don’t know – I want you to come with me to the rectory; but, my dear,” she continued, her “sense of propriety” coming to her aid, even in the midst of her agitation, “had you not better go back and get your bonnet? it is not becoming to walk so far in such a dress.”
“No one will see me,” I said briefly; “but what am I to do at the rectory – can you not tell me here?”
“It is not I, Mrs. Southcote,” said Miss Saville, with suppressed agitation; “I told you once before that we had trouble in our family, and that there was one among us who gave great sorrow to William and me; but you did not mind my story, for you were like other young people, and thought no trouble so bad as your own. But my poor brother Richard is back again here, and he has not improved his ways, and he is always raving about you. He says he wants to see you. We won’t let him go up to Cottiswoode, for when he sees Mr. Southcote I know he constantly seeks money from him, and we cannot bear that; so to pacify him, I promised to come out to-day, and try to persuade you to come to the rectory with me. Now, my dear, will you do it! You would not speak to him before, and I could not blame you; but he speaks as if something lay upon his conscience – oh, Mrs. Southcote, will you see him and hear what it is?”
“If you wish it, I will go,” said I; “I do not want to hear anything he has got to say myself; but if it will please you, Miss Saville – I know you must have thought me very heartless once – if it pleases you, I will go.”
She said, “thank you, my dear,” breathlessly, and hurried me on – though, even now, not without a lament for my bonnet. As we came near, I saw once more the face of the Rector peering out from the corner window. Miss Saville saw it too, and burst into a hurried involuntary recital of their troubles. “William is miserable!” she cried with excitement, “you don’t know what William is, all you people who look at the appearance, and not at the heart – he is the best brother – the kindest friend! – and now, when he had come to the station he was entitled to, and was in the way of doing his duty and being respected as he deserves, here comes Richard to wring our hearts and expose us to disgrace! – If we had money to give him he would not stay long with us, but William would rather sacrifice everything in the world than refuse a kind home to his brother – and then he is taking care of him – and the rector’s study smelling of brandy and water, and bits of cigars upon his mantel-shelf and his writing-table – and he as patient as an angel – oh, Mrs. Southcote, it’s very hard!”
As we entered at the trim gate, and went up through the orderly, neat garden, where not a weed was to be seen, I could understand this small aspect of Miss Saville’s affliction, the ends of cigars, and the smell of brandy and water, as well as her greater and sorer sorrow over the fallen brother, who still was dear to her – but the idea of an interview with him was not more agreeable on this account – I waited while she hurriedly dried her eyes, and went in with her very reluctantly. What could this man want with me! and all my old abhorrence of him returned upon me as I prepared for this unpleasant meeting. He was the first messenger of misfortune to us, and I had never tried to surmount my first disgust and aversion to him.
The Rev. Mr. Saville’s trim, snug study, was indeed sadly desecrated. He himself, the good Rector, was coughing in the atmosphere of smoke which hovered round the fire where Saville sat, with his legs upon a chair, in insolent ease and luxury. There was no brandy and water visible, but the heated look in the man’s face, and the close, disagreeable air of the room, was quite enough to justify what his sister said. I suppose it was in the haste of her agitation that she ushered me immediately into the room, where we did not seem to be expected, and where I scarcely could breathe.
“You should not have brought Mrs. Southcote here, Martha,” said the Rector, who was no less stiff and formal than of old, though a painful embarrassment mingled with elaborate courtesies; “this is not a fit place for a lady; we will join you in the drawing-room, Martha.”
“Any place will do to tell good news in,” said Saville, withdrawing his feet from the chair, and sitting erect. “Give the lady a seat, Martha, and leave us. Glad to see you, Mrs. Southcote; glad to have an opportunity of making my statement to you; had you heard it sooner it might have saved you trouble. Now, good people, why are you waiting? This piece of news does not concern you. William, take Martha away.”
“Oh, don’t leave me, Miss Saville,” I said, retreating a little, and grasping her hand.
“What, afraid!” said the man with a sneer; “you had more spirit when I saw you first, young lady; but as this that I have to say to you,” he continued, gravely, “is of the greatest importance to your family, I leave it with yourself to judge whether it would not be best to keep it for your ears alone.”
What could it be? I looked earnestly at him and he at me. I was no coward; and here, when I had only dislike, and no other feeling which could betray me, I was brave enough after the first moment. I turned to the Rector and Miss Saville, who stood behind, half-frightened, half-displeased, and full of anxious curiosity. “Pray leave us, as he says,” said I. “If it is anything worth your hearing, I will tell you what it is; but in the meantime he will not speak till you are gone.”
The Rector made a bow to me, and withdrew slowly, much agitated, and very nervous, as I could see. Miss Saville went more reluctantly. “It was a very strange thing to turn the Rector out of his own study for a secret conference,” she muttered, as she went away. Saville laughed – “Though it will be worth their hearing, I’ll warrant you do not tell them a word of it,” he said, with the same coarse insinuation of something wrong or untruthful, which I remembered so well on that first day when he came to Cottiswoode. “They are very curious, the fools! – as if they had anything to do with it. Now, Mrs. Southcote, of Cottiswoode, are you ready to hear me?”
I had drawn my chair away to the window, out of reach of his smoky atmosphere and his immediate presence – an artifice at which he laughed again. I bowed slightly in assent; and now he rose, and coming towards me, stood leaning upon the corner of the recess which inclosed the window, looking down into my face.
“I hear that my friend Edgar and you don’t get on together,” said the man, with rude familiarity; “pity when such things arise in families – and generally very bad policy, too. But, however, that can’t be helped in the present case. He’s disposed to be master, I suppose; and, after all, though you’ve humbled your pride to marry him, you’ve not got Cottiswoode.”
“If you wish only to insult me,” I said, starting from my chair, “not even for your good brother and sister’s sake can I endure this wretched impertinence. How do you dare to speak in such a tone to me?”
“I dare worse things than facing a pretty young lady,” said Saville, with his insolent laugh, “but that is not the question, and you shall have none of my impertinence if you like it so little; but I thought you were too honest to sham a reason for this marriage of yours: however, as I have said, that is not the question. As for your family happiness, every clown in the district knows what that is, as, of course, you are aware. And if I had been you, I’d have stayed away, and not made a fool of myself by coming back.”
I said nothing. I felt my face burn, and there was an impulse of fury in my heart – fury, blind wild rage, murderous passion. I could have struck him down when he stood before me, with his odious sneer upon his face, but I did not move. I compressed my lip and clasped my hands together till the pressure was painful, but I made no other indication of how I felt the insult of his words. Yes, this was justice – I acknowledged it – my fitting punishment.
“Well, things being so,” continued Saville, drawing a chair towards him and sitting down upon it, after he had gazed at me maliciously to see the effect of his words, and had been disappointed – “I think you are a very fit client for me: Edgar has done me more than one shabby trick – I give him up – I do as I am done by – that’s my principle – and a very honest one, I maintain; so if you choose to make it worth my while, I’ll put you in possession of all I know, and give you my zealous assistance to recover your rights. These fools, here,” he said, waving his hand contemptuously to indicate his brother and his sister, “will tell you, perhaps, what a dissipated fellow I am, in this wretched hole of a place – give me excitement, and I don’t care a straw how it’s come by; I owe Edgar Southcote a hard hit yet – and hang me, but he shall have it, one way or another.”
This speech awoke me at once out of anger, mortification, every personal feeling; I no longer feared or hated him – I was roused to a cool and keen observation, a self-possession and firmness which I did not know I possessed. I felt the stirring of strength and spirit in me like a new life. I was on the verge of a dangerous secret – a conspiracy – a plot against Edgar! the fool! the fool! to betray his evil counsels to Edgar’s wife. My heart beat quicker, my courage rose; I was like one inspired; a little caution, a little prudence, and I might save my husband! How warmly the blood came to my heart.
I looked at him eagerly; I did not care to suppress the sparkle of excitement in my eyes: I knew his evil imagination would interpret it very differently from the truth; his evil intent and my own conscious purpose gave me perfect confidence in addressing him, for he had no perception of truth, or love, or honor, and would not suspect what lay beneath my eager willingness to hear him now.
“There is some secret, then,” said I – “what is it? what are the rights that you will help me to regain? Such a startling speech makes me anxious of course – what do you mean?”
“I suppose,” said Saville, very slowly to pique my curiosity, “that before you can be expected to put any dependence on me, I must tell you my story: first, let me collect my evidences,” and he took a pocket-book from his pocket, and collected several papers out of it with great care and deliberation, now and then glancing at me under his eye-brows to see if I was impatient. I was not impatient – I watched him keenly – coolly – not a movement or a glance escaped my notice; I was Edgar’s advocate, and I was watching his enemy.
“Mr. Brian Southcote,” said Saville, going on slowly, and now and then looking up at me as he sorted his papers, “was an extremely benevolent person – so much so, that ill-natured people said he had no will of his own, and that he did not care how wrong or how foolish anything was, so long as it was generous; perhaps you object to such plain speaking when your respectable relation is the subject,” he said, stopping short with a low bow.
“Pray, go on, go on,” said I impatiently.
I suppose he thought now that he had tantalized and irritated me sufficiently, for he proceeded at a less deliberate pace.
“It is said that his younger brother, Mr. Howard, had married the lady to whom they were both attached, and lived in his father’s house, in possession of all the ordinary privileges of an heir, while the elder brother was self-banished in Jamaica, on pretence of looking after an estate, which he knew nothing about, and had not activity enough to have done anything for, even if he had been informed. Now, Mrs. Southcote, under these circumstances, your uncle being still a young man, of course, married the first woman who made herself agreeable to him – and this woman happened to be my cousin, the widow of a young naval officer, a young penniless widow with one boy.”
I started involuntarily – I could see already where the serpent was winding – was this the secret?
“With one boy,” he continued significantly, “called Harry Southern – you see there is not much difference even in the name; this child, as I will show you by a paper executed by your uncle some time before his marriage, he had already chosen for his heir, directing that he should take his name, and, after his death, be called Harry Southcote. It is not to be supposed that after Mr. Southcote married Mrs. Southern, his partiality for the boy should diminish, and this boy I have every reason to suppose is your husband, whom, by politeness, I will still call Edgar Southcote of Cottiswoode.”
I was stunned for the moment – the story looked reasonable, true – it was no exaggerated malicious lie coined on the spot. I looked up with dismay into the hard exultation of this man’s face, but when I caught his cunning, evil eye, my heart revived.
“Had you always reason to suppose this?” I said, keeping my eyes fixed upon him.
For a moment, only a moment, his confident glance fell. “Of course not, of course not,” he said, with a little bustle and swagger, which I could see was to conceal some embarrassment. “When I took steps in the matter, you may be sure I thought I had got hold of the right person; it is only lately that I have found my error out.”
“And how did you find it out?” I asked perseveringly.
“Upon my word, young lady, you try a man’s patience,” cried my respectable adviser – “I did find it out – what concern have you with the how? If you are disposed to take advantage of my information, it is at your service – but I will not be badgered by the person for whose sole benefit I have taken so much trouble. Will that convince you, look?”
He almost threw at me one of the papers in his hand – I lifted it up mechanically – I was so sure what it would say from his description, that I almost fancied I had read it before. It was a will, bequeathing all the personal property of the writer to Harry Southern, the son of the late George Southern, Lieutenant R.N., on condition of his assuming the name of Southcote; I read it over twice, and it struck me strongly enough, that after the first words of the bequest there was a parenthesis, “(if he survives me),” which was repeated every time the name of Harry Southern occurred. I held it out – holding it fast, however – to Saville, and asked him what it meant.
“A mere point of law,” he answered indifferently, “what could it be else! Ladies, I know, never understand business; but these trifling matters have nothing to do with the main question – you see very clearly who this child was, there can be no mistake about that.”
“I see nothing to identify him with Edgar Southcote,” I said.
“You are sceptical,” said Saville – “let me see if I can convince you there are some papers which throw light upon the matter.”
These papers were letters – three of them bearing dates very near each other – all referring in terms of tender fondness to some little Harry; the first was signed “Maria Southern,” the other two “Maria Southcote,” but little Harry had quite as much part in the former as in the latter, and these documents were evidently true. I was greatly disturbed; – could it be so? could it be so? Was my husband only the heir, and not the son of Brian Southcote? The evidence was very startling to my unused and ignorant eyes. I kept the papers closely in my hand, resolved not to give them up again. I did not know what arguments to use to myself to cast off this fear; – at last I cried abruptly – “If this was the case he could not be like the Southcotes, he would be like your family – but he is like Edgar the Scholar; I found out the resemblance at once.”
“It is easy to find resemblances when your mind is turned to it,” said Saville. “Is he as like now? – and suppose he had been introduced to you as Harry Southern, would you ever have cared to examine who he was like?”
Harry Southern! the idea was intolerable. I started from my seat – I could not bear it any longer. “I will think over this, and let you know what I will do,” I said hurriedly. “It is very startling news – I must have some time to accustom myself to it, and then I will be able to tell you what I can do.”
“Be so good as to return me my papers then,” said Saville; “by all means think it over – it is no joke – you had best be prudent; but, in the meantime, let me have my papers – they are my property, not yours.”
“I will not give them back – they concern me too nearly,” said I. “Stay – if you try to take them I shall call your brother. I will not endure your touch, sir; – stand back – these letters are Miss Saville’s – I will undertake that no harm shall happen to them, that you shall come to no loss – but I will not give them back.”
I did not move, but stood within the reach of his arm, fixing my eyes full upon him as I spoke. He could not bear an honest gaze; he stared at me with impotent fury, but he dared not resist me. I saw his terror at the thought of summoning his brother, and how he lowered his voice and drew back his hand at the very mention of the Rector’s name.
“You are a bold young lady – but I like your spirit,” he said, with a scowl which belied his words. “Well, I consent that you shall keep the papers – that is to say, I trust them to your honor; – shall I have your decision to-morrow?”
“I cannot tell – I must have time,” I said, growing nervous at last, and drawing nearer the door; “have you ever mentioned this? – does Mr. Southcote know?”
“You will not tell him?” cried Saville fiercely, starting and following me, “you will not be so foolish as to show him your hand before the play begins? I knew women were fools in business, but I did not expect this from you – from you, Mrs. Southcote! you do not mean to pretend you are so loving and true a wife. No, I am not a likely person to have mentioned it – I know my man too well; small evidence I should have had, if it had ever come to his knowledge – I will not permit you to risk my papers in Edgar South – in Harry Southern’s hands.”
As he advanced upon me, I retreated – as he grew vehement, I threw the door open and walked hastily away – he followed me with great strides, yet restrained by a strange cowardice which I knew how to take advantage of – and when his sister suddenly appeared from the next room, he stopped short, and threw a look of cowardly threatening, and yet entreaty upon me. “Do not let him follow me,” I whispered to her – but I knew they would take care of that – and though I managed to leave the house at a decorous pace, whenever I got into the lane I began to run. I had always been swift-footed from a child – now I flew along the solitary lane, scarcely feeling that I touched the ground, holding the papers close under my mantle. When I came to Cottiswoode, flushed, and eager, and breathless, I did not pause even to throw back my hood, but hastened to the library. There was no one there – I hurried out disappointed, and asked for Mr. Southcote. He had gone out some time ago, I was told, and had left a message for me with Alice. I ran upstairs – the message was that he was suddenly called to Cambridge, and could not expect to return till late at night – and he hoped I would not think of waiting up for him – it was sure to be very late when he came home.
I cannot tell, indeed, whether I was most relieved or disappointed to hear this; though I think the latter – yet now, at least, I would have time to think over this tale, to try if it was a fable, a monstrous invention, or if it could be true. It was late, and I got little leisure till baby was asleep, but when he was laid down to his rest, and Alice left the room, I sat down by her little table and unfolded my papers. My heart beat loud while I read them over – my fears sickened me. I had no longer the presence of Saville before me, strengthening me in disbelief and opposition. Alas, poor perverse fool! this was a fit conclusion to all the misery I had made; this long year of troubles ever since my marriage I had been bitterly and cruelly resenting the discovery that my husband was Edgar Southcote – now how gladly would I have hailed, how wildly rejoiced in, an assurance that he had indeed a title to that name. The more I examined, the more I pondered, the more my fears grew upon me. If Edgar was an unwitting, involuntary impostor – the thought was terrible – and still more terrible it was to think that Cottiswoode would then be mine. I thought I could have borne to leave a wrongful inheritance with him, had it been pure loss to both of us; but that I should be “righted” by his downfall – ah, that was a justice I had not dreamed of! I could not rest – I wanted to do something immediately to settle this question; but that it was so late, I think I would have followed him to Cambridge – but that was not to be thought of now; so I wandered up and down from the library to my own room, always returning to the letters – and tried to conceal from myself how the hours went on, and how the household was going to rest. I still hoped that I might have gone to him at once on his return, and it was only when Alice, with a sleepy face, came calling me to baby, that I yielded at last, and went to bed, but not to sleep. Through all the dreary midnight hours after that I lay still and listened, hearing every sound, and supposing a hundred times over that I heard him return. Now and then I started up after a few moments’ sleep, and went to the door to look out and listen – but there was still the dull light burning in the hall, the silence in the house, the drowsy stir of the man who waited for his master below – then my restlessness made my baby restless also, and I had to occupy myself with him, and subdue my anxiety for his sake. It was a dreary night; but I had nothing for it but to submit – lying still, sleeping in snatches, dreaming, thinking – thoughts that ran into dreams, and longing, as only watchers long, for the morning light.
