Читать книгу: «Don't Tell Him I'm a Mermaid»

For Al and Brodie – even though you both

consider mermaids to be deeply uncool

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

CHAPTER ONE: The Faulty . . . Thingymajigger

CHAPTER TWO: Like, Super-Hot in a Totally Fit Way

CHAPTER THREE: I Didn’t Know There Was a Meire in West Lothian

CHAPTER FOUR: Not the Kind of Place You Want to Go on Your Jollies

CHAPTER FIVE: Ice Cream in Winter

CHAPTER SIX: Something Weird About Their Faces

CHAPTER SEVEN: Ice-White Eyes

CHAPTER EIGHT: The Nosiest Swordfish in the Ocean

CHAPTER NINE: A Playdate with a Noodlefish

CHAPTER TEN: A Stingray Named Paul

CHAPTER ELEVEN: That Strange Glow . . .

CHAPTER TWELVE: A Herd of Goats in Mumbai

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The Mightiest of Sausages

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Green Apple Shampoo

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: A Duck in a Blender

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Rebellious Reading

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: A Snoring Manatee

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: A Dangerous Thing to Discuss

CHAPTER NINETEEN: The Elderly Residents of Beirut

CHAPTER TWENTY: We’re So Cool and Mature

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Lavender Bubble Bath

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: It’s Complicated

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: Bacon Sarnies

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Tar and Feathers

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: Marefluma

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: Rumours of Sugar Cookies

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CHAPTER ONE

The Faulty . . . Thingymajigger

Molly Seabrook’s favourite thing about being a mermaid was sharing the unlikely secret with her sisters. She had four of them in all, and even though Molly found at least seventy-five per cent of them deeply irritating, it was quite nice to have a special family bond. Plus if any of them stole your white chocolate, you could slap them in the face with your tail, which was definitely a perk.

The worst thing about being a mermaid was almost everything else.

Kittiwake Keep, the wonky old lighthouse they called home, was in pandemonium.

Mum had, for reasons unknown, finally decided to attempt to fix the broken dishwasher. The broken dishwasher had been broken for years, but it didn’t particularly matter, because its primary purpose was not to wash dishes. It was to disguise the trapdoor hidden beneath it that led straight into the sea.

In any case, Mum had obviously got tired of the endless stacks of mugs beside the sink, so she rolled up her sleeves, donned her rubber gloves, and took a wrench to the faulty . . . thingymajigger.

It did not work.

The dishwasher was now essentially a furious geyser spraying water all over the kitchen. The swordfish wallpaper was drenched, the sink was overflowing, and Molly felt like she was trapped inside a washing machine.

Myla, her eldest sister and a literal genius, was frantically leafing through the manual – which was now dripping wet and bleeding ink – as though it contained the key to her Cambridge entrance exam. Margot, the second oldest at sixteen and a notorious practical joker, found the entire thing hilarious and was currently live-streaming it via YouTube. Melissa, Molly’s painfully earnest fourteen-year-old roommate, was lecturing Mum on the importance of hiring professionals.

Minnie, who was six, sat at the sodden kitchen table and laughed like a hyena for around twenty minutes.

Unfortunately, the room was becoming so wet that the inevitable was surely about to happen. They were about to transform into mermaids, as they did whenever they got too close to a body of water. Or puddles. Or broken toilets.

They were about to transform, and Minnie did not know their secret.

‘Minnie, can you please go and fetch the house phone?’ Mum asked in a strangled voice, as she accidentally swallowed another mouthful of manky dishwater.

‘Are you phoning the water police?’ Minnie cackled.

‘Yes,’ Melissa sighed. ‘Exactly. The water police.’

‘They have special handcuffs,’ Margot added seriously.

‘Can you go now, please?’ Mum asked through gritted teeth.

As she felt her legs begin to tingle, Molly gripped the edge of the kitchen counter. Minnie splashed happily out into the corridor mere seconds before Molly’s stark white tail pinged into place.

‘Barricade,’ Mum barked. ‘Now.’

Right as she was about to transform, Margot charged at a dining chair like a rugby player, shoving it along the floor until it slammed into the door. Unfortunately, her tail materialised right at the last minute, and she faceplanted the wet floor with a splosh and an oooft.

‘Do. Not. Let. Her. In.’ Melissa panted with the effort of holding herself upright on her buttercup-yellow tail. ‘Under any circumstances!’

This may have seemed like an extreme reaction, but it was absolutely paramount that Minnie did not uncover the truth too soon. The mermaids had an agreement with the human government that they were allowed to live on land as long as they kept their true identities hidden. If the secret got out, they’d be banished back to Meire: the old mermaid queendom. Meire was now too dirty and dangerous to live in, thanks to pollution and . . . poop. A lot of human poop.

There’s no way Minnie would be able to hold her tongue if she found out her mum and sisters were mermaids – and that she too would become one on her thirteenth birthday. For instance, after Mum gave her the talk about how she had a different dad, she went around telling the entire town that her dad was the ‘Predisent’ of the United States, but that her sisters were peasants. So there was no way something of this magnitude would stay schtum.

‘Heyyyy!’ Minnie yelled, pounding on the closed door with her tiny – and probably sticky – fist. ‘Let me in! Not fair!’

‘We’re having a grown-up chat, Minnie,’ Melissa called. ‘We’ll be out in a moment.’

The door began to budge with the weight of a six-year-old flinging her full force against it, but Margot launched herself up with her pillarbox-red tail and plonked down into the barricade chair just in time. Minnie wailed in frustration.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Mum exchanged worried glances with Myla.

‘The courier,’ Myla groaned, wriggling her emerald-green tail. Her wet hair was plastered to her forehead, and her glasses were covered in spray. ‘I ordered all those second-hand textbooks to be delivered today.’

‘They’ll go away in a minute, don’t worry,’ Mum said, dutifully ignoring the fact she was being squirted in the face by a spiteful appliance. ‘They’ll just leave one of those slips saying it’s with a neighbour or something.’

‘Or Minnie will go and let him in,’ Myla whispered in horror.

‘Quick! Knock her out with your tail!’ Margot said to Molly, knowing how much her sister enjoyed using her tail as a weapon.

‘Right, can we all just –’

Mum’s words were cut off by a fresh spray of water to the face, and a nervous tap on the kitchen window.

It was the courier, peering right in to a room full of mermaids.

Ever the quick thinker, Margot dived towards the dishwasher and whirled it around to face the window, so the gushing cascade of water sprayed straight into the glass and obscured the courier’s vision. Such a feat would normally be impossible, but Margot’s merpower – for each mermaid has a special gift – was superhuman strength. Myla’s was being able to read mythical sea languages without ever having to study, while Melissa’s was being a know-it-all, i.e. being able to tell whenever someone was lying.

‘I’ll come back later then,’ the courier called meekly through the glass.

‘Do you think he saw?’ Melissa gasped. ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god. What if he saw, Mum?’

‘Was it the courier? I didn’t see,’ Mum said, but she was chewing her bottom lip, and Molly could tell she was genuinely worried about being banished.

Molly’s stomach twisted. She hadn’t exactly done a fantastic job of keeping the whole tail thing under wraps.

She’d only found out about her life as a half-mermaid on her thirteenth birthday, a mere two months ago, and yet she’d already accidentally transformed in front of Felicity Davison, the most popular girl in school. There was a whole fandango which involved taking a penguin hostage, but Felicity had eventually agreed not to tell anyone Molly’s secret – as long as Molly promised not to spread the word about Felicity’s mum’s cancer. Molly only knew about Mrs Davison’s illness thanks to her own merpower: reading people’s emotions. She would never have told anyone something so personal, especially having been through it with her own mum, but Felicity didn’t trust her. Their truce was a shaky one, and Molly lived in fear of Felicity going back on her word.

‘Can I come in yet?’ Minnie asked. ‘I need a poo.’

CHAPTER TWO

Like, Super-Hot in a Totally Fit Way

The next morning at school, Molly was convinced she smelled of ancient dishwasher fluid. All through double maths, she kept quietly sniffing at herself as if trying to figure out whether she’d remembered to apply deodorant. Her best friend Ada stared at her as though she might have contracted leprosy in the night. Ada was very glamorous and cool, and had probably never smelled like an old dishwasher in her life.

Ms Stavros was really trying her very hardest to make pre-algebra interesting. The Sterling Secondary School for Promising Little Marmouthians (SPLUM to its pupils) was one of those ‘outstanding’ places where the teachers all care very deeply, which Molly found quite irritating because it meant you were supposed to care too.

It wasn’t that she hated school for no reason. It was just that everything they learned was boring, and she could never hold her concentration for more than five seconds, and it seemed like everyone had a special interest except her.

Lately, whenever her attention drifted in class, she invariably began to think about mermaid life. While she’d initially been absolutely mortified by the entire thing – and to be honest, having a fish tail was still vaguely gross – now curiosity itched at her like a woolly jumper. Her mind kept meandering down to Meire, wondering what the magical queendom had been like in its heyday, before the pollution and the poop. Mermaids used to live there by choice, after all, and if Clamdunk – the bonkers national sport – was anything to go by, it was all rather magical and strange.

As humiliating as the spontaneous transformations were, Molly found herself wanting to know more about this other side of her life. She wanted to experiment with her merpower, and try out Clamdunk for herself, and maybe even make a few mermaid friends outside her family. And yet Molly was also incredibly stubborn. She had always insisted to her mum and sisters that their secret was deeply, deeply embarrassing, and she didn’t want to have to admit that she was secretly a little curious.

At lunch, Molly plonked herself down on her usual table beside Margot. The dinner lads and ladies had decided to branch out with today’s menu, and Molly prodded what she’d been assured was a ‘vol-au-vent’ with her fork. It was the least appetising hunk of dry pastry Molly had ever seen. She supposed you could use it to plug a hole in a broken dishwasher.

‘Hello, dearest sister,’ Margot said, crunching through her own vol-au-vent in such a violent manner that it sprayed all over her face. ‘How doth you be today?’

‘What?’

Margot rolled her eyes. ‘We’ve been doing Shakespeare. It has been physically painful. Why can’t he just speak English?’

‘Mmmmm,’ Molly mumbled.

‘What’s wrong?’ Margot asked. She was assembling a prank involving a catapult and a fake dead bird. At least, Molly hoped it was fake. You never quite knew with Margot.

‘We can’t talk about it here. It’s schmermaidy.’ Schmermaidy was their super-secret and completely impenetrable code word.

‘Did someone see your tail?’ Margot asked, weirdly serious all of a sudden.

‘No,’ Molly said hastily. ‘The secret is still safe. I’m just . . . I’ve been thinking a lot about Meire. What was it like? Back in the day?’

Margot pulled a red lipstick out of her bag and started applying it to the dead bird’s beak. ‘Pooey.’

‘No, like . . . at its prime. Before the poo.’

‘Oh. Less pooey.’

‘Margot! Please.’

‘I don’t know, all right?’ She held up the bird to admire her handiwork, looking satisfied. ‘You’re better off asking Myla. She can probably recite the first nineteen empresses backwards while hanging upside down by her tail.’

Ada ambled over to their table, swinging her designer lunch box in her hand. ‘Hey. Wanna go and eat with the Populars?’

Molly prodded at her vol-au-vent. ‘Yeah, sure.’

Ada’s sleek fringe dropped into her eyes as she frowned. ‘You don’t sound too thrilled. This was always the aim, right? Infiltrating their masses? Becoming at one with the Popularinos?’

For years, Molly and Ada had wanted to get into the Popular group at school, and had concocted increasingly elaborate and absurd schemes in order to get there. Molly had never really believed that they’d succeed, but now that Ada was dating Penalty Pete, they spent more time with the whole group than hanging out with each other.

And in reality, the Populars were quite boring. Molly sort of missed her and Ada’s time as a duo, scarfing down crisps in their tiny locker nook.

Molly didn’t tell Ada any of this, though. Due to aforementioned stubbornness, she had to keep up the pretence that being with the Populars was still hugely exciting. ‘No, it’s cool. Let’s go.’

Margot glared at her in astonishment. ‘Rude.’

‘Right,’ Molly said, rising to her feet. ‘Let’s do this. Let’s be bona fide Popularinos.’

Ada did a funny little salsa dance, stamping her heels for effect. Molly laughed and copied.

Laughing with Ada so effortlessly again felt nice. They’d had their first epic fall-out a few months ago, and didn’t speak for ages. That was a particularly dark time for Molly, and it made her swear she’d never take her best friendship with Ada for granted again. She also swore she’d try to keep her hot temper under control, but that wasn’t going so well. Just ask the lamppost she kicked this morning.

‘Popularinooooooo,’ Ada crooned in a weird, high-pitched voice, making Molly laugh even harder.

Margot flexed her catapult menacingly. ‘For god’s sake. The rudeness is unimaginable.’

‘Why don’t you come too, Margot?’ Ada asked, breathless from performing the impromptu Popularino dance, though Molly could tell she was just being polite.

Margot snorted. ‘I would rather eat my own face, thanks.’

‘Margot,’ Molly interrupted. ‘Do you mind if I go?’

There was a split second where Molly thought her older sister might actually ask her to stick around, and if that happened, Molly absolutely would. She’d been pieing Margot off for weeks now, after all, and she was starting to feel a bit bad about it. Most of Margot’s friends were from Clamdunk, so she didn’t really have many people to eat lunch with at school.

But Margot swallowed her pride and said, ‘Whatever. Just don’t expect your bed to be entirely free of seaweed later.’

Molly followed Ada to the table where the Populars were eating lunch. Penalty Pete was dribbling a piece of sweetcorn around his tray with his finger. Felicity’s arm was draped possessively over Fit Steve’s shoulders, which made eating her couscous very difficult indeed. Jenna and Briony, Felicity’s cronies, were gossiping between themselves, giggling and whispering at something on Briony’s phone.

‘Hey, guys,’ Ada said cheerily, still a bit out of breath from the Popularino dance. As she sat down, the slight gleam of sweat did nothing to prevent Penalty Pete from snogging her face off by means of saying hello.

For a split second, Molly hovered awkwardly. The only spare seat was on the other side of Fit Steve.

‘Pull up a pew,’ Fit Steve said pleasantly, and Molly had to fight the urge to gaze adoringly at him like he was a tall cone of glistening mint choc chip.

While Molly often had to help out at the family fish ’n’ chip shop, dressing up as a giant haddock to hand out leaflets, Fit Steve had a job at the ice-cream kiosk next door. He was very tall and very dark and very, very fit. Molly had been in love with him since the day Minnie first learned to walk, which was not as long ago as you might have thought, and had involved a pair of dodgy rollerblades. But still.

Unfortunately, Fit Steve was going out with Molly’s nemesis: Felicity Davison.

Today, Felicity pointedly did not make eye contact with Molly, which was just as well. Every time Molly was around Felicity, she felt a kind of emotional aftershock from the bizarre moment they had shared at the zoo.

It was right after Molly had abducted a penguin, and Felicity had made a horrible dig at Molly’s chip-grease smell. A surge of world-ending anger and shame had triggered Molly’s merpower for the first time, and she felt Felicity’s emotions as strongly as if they were her own.

She’d relived the arguments, embarrassments and fears that Felicity had experienced that day, including the knowledge that Felicity’s mum had cancer. And Felicity knew it.

Although now, in the school cafeteria, Molly couldn’t read Felicity’s emotions like that – merpowers only worked while you were a mermaid – there was still a rippling wave of residual empathy. Still a connection that hadn’t been there before.

It was the only time Molly had managed to use her merpower, and it had happened at exactly the right moment. She couldn’t help wondering when she would next be able to tap into her mysterious gift.

As Molly sat down, Fit Steve shovelled a giant spoonful of baked beans into his divine mouth. Then he asked, ‘So how’s it going at the chippy?’

‘Good.’ Molly nodded, realising how impossible it was to eat a vol-au-vent in a seductive manner, and deciding just to sip her apple juice instead. ‘We have a new sausage.’

Fit Steve nodded his approval. ‘Nice.’

‘It’s called the Edward,’ Molly added, a grin spreading across her face. ‘After my friend Eddie.’

Fit Steve raised an eyebrow. ‘Of the Ears?’

‘Exactly.’

‘Good guy.’

Warmth tingled in Molly’s chest as she thought of how Eddie had covered her shift a few weeks ago so she could go to the zoo with Ada. Despite him not having any experience in the battered-fish arena.

‘OMG, have you guys heard about the new kids?’ Briony asked. She had a very high voice, like a chipmunk. ‘There’s like, some new kids apparently.’

‘No way!’ Ada said. Her amazement was genuine. This hardly ever happened. SPLUM was tiny, Little Marmouth was tiny, and nobody in their right mind ever moved there unless they had big dreams of becoming a chip-shop mogul and ending the Seabrooks’ decades-long reign over the town’s fast-food scene.

‘Yep,’ Jenna said, nodding so hard her topknot came loose. ‘Twins – a boy and a girl. Really, really fit, apparently. Like, super-hot in a totally fit way.’

‘And kind of like, mysterious?’ Briony said. ‘That’s what I heard, anyway.’

Despite the inward eye-roll at Jenna and Briony’s inane commentary, Molly couldn’t help feeling a little bit excited. What if the girl was cool enough to rob Felicity of her queen-bee status? What if the boy was Molly’s future husband? Maybe they could double date with Penalty and Ada.

‘They are real,’ Felicity confirmed conspiratorially. ‘Finn and Serena Waverley. Quite cool in like, an obvious and completely unoriginal way. But everyone’s obsessed with them.’ She sounded rather bitter at this last part. ‘Oh, there they are now!’

The volume in the cafeteria dropped about a hundred decibels as the twins walked in. Everyone with necks turned to look.

Finn and Serena Waverley were both blond, tall and high-cheekboned – vaguely Viking-looking, Molly thought. They strutted into the cafeteria with chins tilted high and charismatic grins on their symmetrical features.

To be fair to Jenna, they were like, super-hot in a totally fit way.

‘Fetch me my longboat,’ Molly whispered to Ada across the table, ‘for I am adrift on their tide.’

‘What?’ Ada said.

‘Vikings,’ Molly explained, not really explaining anything at all.