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3
Mel
Mel looked at Karin, zipping up her mouth as Will’s greasy mop of hair presented itself in the kitchen, followed by his decorating overalls and paint-splattered boots.
‘Hi, Will,’ said Karin, giving him an exaggerated double thumbs-up. ‘Good work today. Soon be in.’
Will nodded, signing something back to Karin which Mel couldn’t understand. He brushed against Mel’s shoulder as he reached over to the bread bin and slung a piece of on-the-turn white bread into the toaster. Mel waved her hand in front of his face and said, ‘Hi, Will.’
Will nodded, then blustered out into the hallway.
‘Could you see that he eats something decent this weekend while I’m away?’ asked Karin, screwing up her nose in that way of hers when she wanted something. ‘It’s just he never eats at work and—’
‘Sure.’
It was falling to Mel to do that anyway, but she resisted mentioning it. Mel glanced out of the window, not intentionally, but Karin took that to mean she must be wondering about the garden because it prompted her to say something. ‘He can’t tackle that yet, Mel. He’s working long hours at Ashby Road.’
‘It’s fine,’ she replied. ‘I’ll see that he eats. I’ll make him some pasta later.’
‘Look, I’ve said I’ll chip in a bit extra with my rent, now that I can, and Aaron says it’s not a problem, Will still being here, so—’
‘Read – my – lips – Karin. It’s fine. He’s kipping on the floor in a holey sleeping bag for God’s sake.’
Karin smiled, lightly embracing her. ‘Thank you,’ she said. She looked embarrassed and they both knew why.
‘Oh, don’t go setting the two of us off,’ said Mel, seeing Karin’s eyes were starting to gloss. She pulled Karin into her, making the hug tighter. ‘I’m so proud of you. Getting from where you were to where you are now, you’ve done amazing. And I’m only saying all these things because you have no one else to say them to you. As your surrogate big sister, it’s my job.’ Hearing a tearful snigger, Mel released her again. ‘That’s more like it.’
Karin had given her the title of surrogate big sister. It was a role Mel was more than happy to fulfil, especially as Karin had nowhere else to go for advice, but it was by no means easy. They came from two very different worlds.
Karin managed to sniff away any further tears, dabbing a finger under each eye to clear up the mascara runs.
‘It’s okay, you still look gorgeous,’ said Mel. ‘But just let me say one more thing and then I promise I’ll shut up. Can I?’ Finally she got a nod from Karin. ‘Okay. So if you’re going to go through with it, then get a pre-nup.’ Karin began to protest. Mel caught her hands, imploring her to listen. ‘I know – I know that sounds terrible and unromantic, but Aaron went through a very messy divorce.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘That money you got from your mother for your birthday, well it’s not exactly a tenner shoved in an envelope, is it? You really should protect yourself. That’s what I’m saying.’
Karin frowned, pulling her mouth to one side like a petulant teenager. ‘He doesn’t even know about that. I wasn’t sure I’d get the money, was I? Might as well be dead to my mother.’ Her words made Mel think about her own mother, sad to reflect on how much she missed her.
Karin leant back and thumped against the unit.
‘Well that’s good then,’ said Mel. She realized Karin was staring at her. ‘Not about your mother, obviously. It shows Aaron loves you for just being you. Well. I guess it does.’ She paused. ‘There is one thing though.’
‘What? Tell me, Mel.’
‘He’s bloody useless at fixing kitchen appliances.’
This had become something of a joke between them. Karin took a playful swipe, and Mel put up her hands as a shield. Then Karin stopped fooling around, folding her arms like the petulant teenager again. ‘Someone might want to snap him up too, you know, Mel.’
‘Of course they might. I can totally see why you’ve fallen for him. He’s charming, funny, handsome. But don’t rush it, okay? That’s all I’m saying. Just do what you think is right for you. You deserve to be happy.’
Karin sank her teeth into her bottom lip as a loud rapping, on the front door this time, broke into their conversation.
‘Shit,’ said Karin, straightening her dress nervously.
Aaron came into the kitchen dangling his keys. ‘Hope you don’t mind,’ he said, referring to the fact he had let himself in.
Mel shrugged. ‘You’re the landlord.’
He hovered for a second, waiting until it was safe to give Mel a secret wink. When she refused to participate he seemed disappointed, and maybe a little embarrassed. ‘You going out tonight, Mel?’ he asked.
‘Me? No, I have some work to catch up on. But I’ll be thinking of you both on your lovely birthday weekend.’
‘Well erm, my suitcase is in the hallway,’ said Karin.
‘Great. I’ll load it into the car,’ Aaron replied, rubbing his hands with renewed excitement. ‘See you later then, Mel.’
‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,’ she shouted as he disappeared again. ‘And don’t you either,’ she added, pointing her finger at Karin who was still hovering awkwardly.
‘Really appreciate you telling me, Mel,’ she whispered.
‘Let me know how you get on. Okay? And just remember what I’ve said.’
Karin nodded.
Despite her underlying vulnerability, Mel knew that Karin could also be headstrong when she wanted to be. But at least she had given her something to think about.
Karin pushed her handbag onto her shoulder, emitting a kind of schoolgirl squeal as she ran her nails across her teeth to show both her fear and excitement. ‘Wish me luck,’ she said.
Mel thought she had gone, but then Karin rushed back in again to say: ‘Forgot to mention it, Mel. I’ve transferred five thousand pounds into your account today. To cover rent, bills, all my arrears. Plus a little bit extra to say thank you.’
‘Aw, Karin. That’s very generous of you.’
‘I know it’s more than I owe, but it’s the least I can do.’
‘You didn’t have to do that. But thank you.’ Mel gave her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Now off you go.’
Karin smiled, blowing her a kiss in return.
‘And remember to enjoy yourself,’ Mel shouted.
She waited to hear the front door close then poured herself a large glass of wine. Not long after sitting down to relax, she heard Will padding about in the kitchen, probably snacking on toast and jam. Thinking of her promise to Karin, she returned to the kitchen and offered him some wine, remembering that he didn’t drink, and told him that she would make pasta in a little while.
Will gave her one of his looks that shivered down her spine then went back upstairs.
4
Karin
The Friday night queues out of Leeds had died down, although there was still a weekend frenzy about the way cars jerked and swerved across the baking tarmac. It was 7.15, the evening warm and sultry. Even the buildings looked too hot, the bricks of the older ones as well as the glassier newer ones straining to stand up tall.
Crossing the city always prompted memories of when she had first arrived here. Back then all she was interested in was huddling in shop doorways and under bridges down by the canal or the River Aire. That secret part of her life, which Aaron hadn’t known anything about. Not at first. He was under the impression that Karin had answered an advert for a room to rent. Mel had preserved her secret, thankfully, knowing how ashamed Karin was about this aspect of her life. But in the end, Karin had told Aaron herself because there were so many other things she would never be able to share with him and this was one thing she could.
He didn’t even know about Louie.
Karin shifted in the passenger seat as her temperature began to rise. Yet at the same time a chill dug into her skin as the rawness of that winter, after she had run away, returned. A pop-up tent and warm sleeping bag were all that she had wished for on a daily basis. That or some money for a hostel. Apart from her phone, the bundle of letters and the clothes she was wearing, her only possessions had been a hairbrush and a worn-out toothbrush. Karin had left in a hurry, not wanting to make it look like she was leaving at all.
Afraid to go. Afraid of what might happen if she stayed.
It was her dad who always said that her hair was her best feature, so even on the streets she didn’t want it to go into matted dreadlocks, because she knew her dad wouldn’t like that. He was already dead by then, but it still mattered. Brushing her hair obsessively nine or ten times a day would often attract attention. Karin made sure she was drunk and past caring, in case the attention wasn’t the best kind, but she had Will as her protector and he kept her safe.
Whether her mother had realized it or not – more likely an oversight on her part – she had still been paying for Karin’s phone contract back then. However, unless Karin could get into a hostel to charge it up, it had been of limited use and she’d had to guard it with her life. Staring out of the car window at the passing trees, Aaron by her side at the wheel, she could, even now, remember the excitement of seeing all those messages appearing, and how quickly it would turn to guilt.
Always Louie:
Where have you gone? Please come back, let’s talk.
Never anything from her mother.
Karin had carried the bundle of letters stuffed into the waistband of her knickers. She knew it was risky hanging onto them, because they could do real damage in the wrong hands, but without them she had nothing.
She was no one.
Despite having Will, trusted friend and loyal companion, those days on the streets were the loneliest of all. She often wondered, had Birgitta been aware of her living rough, might she have given her the lump sum sooner, instead of making her wait until she turned twenty-two? Unlikely though, knowing her mother. Because the deal was that if Karin didn’t finish her schooling and go to university, the money would be stopped, with no more until today. What little Karin had left from her hotel earnings, she had given to Louie, leaving herself with just enough for the train fare to Leeds, plus a small amount besides until she found her feet again. But Karin had got drunk on the train on the way over, and then she was robbed.
Karin was pretty sure it wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference if she had known. Birgitta was a Swedish torpedo. That’s what her dad used to call her. He said that no one could ever stop her or change her direction. He certainly couldn’t, and Karin couldn’t either. Even as a child, Karin wondered why her parents were together; her dad was always hovering and quivering in the background. Without doubt, this sharp-pointed focus was the reason for her mother’s success as a world-class designer, but it torpedoed through everything else. Everyone else.
Karin knew it had been a mistake to start looking at those letters before setting off this evening. She had managed to ignore them until today, despite clinging to them all this time. Her own letters were wound up in that bundle too, of course. It was the bereavement counsellor’s suggestion that they write to each other after her dad died. On paper, and with stamps. So they could think about what they wanted to say to each other, before sending. Safer that way. Better than any text or email fired off in the heat of the moment. Karin had still managed to fire off, even so. And then one day all the letters were returned to her in a bulging jiffy bag, along with the words:
‘Karin,
I suggest you read back over these. I hope you have a good life, but I no longer want to be a part of it, nor you a part of mine.
Mamma (no longer).
Remember, if you come anywhere near me again, try to contact me in any way, I shall go straight to the police. Your accusation has ruined my life.
scribbled on a Svendsen business card.
Karin could recall sitting on her bed in her room at school, putting the letters in date order. ‘From Karin’. ‘From Mamma’. The word ‘love’ never came into it. Then she had tied them up and hidden them away. Since then only two people had read them.
First Louie. And then Will.
No one else ever would. Not even Mel.
Definitely not Aaron.
Throw them away, Karin.
She had bought the box when she moved in with Mel, using the date of her dad’s death as the security code. Another option would have been to use the date of her stepdad’s death, as a sort of prompt for why she shouldn’t look inside, but she decided the box alone was enough of a reminder. One of the letters was missing; she had set fire to it at school. It went up in an orange angry fireball. At a time when Karin most needed her mother’s support, she got nothing but criticism and a whole heap of deceit.
Karin didn’t blame herself for what happened. She might be sorry, but it wasn’t all her fault.
‘You okay?’
She felt Aaron’s hand on her thigh. It pulled her back to the present and she managed a thin smile. Sweat was beading on her forehead. She lowered the window for a blast of 30-mile-an-hour air. It was enough to cool her. Aaron gave her a look; he preferred the air-con. But his expression also said that he was making allowances for her birthday.
Then he seemed worried. ‘Is it a headache coming on, Karin? Do you want me to pull over?’
‘No. No, I’m fine,’ she replied, smiling at his kindness. ‘Just hot, that’s all.’
They slowed for the next set of traffic lights. Aaron began to get agitated as they waited, his hands turning white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. Karin wasn’t sure why, at first, until she realized that three young lads in their souped-up Ford Focus were making gestures at him. Intent on getting a reaction, they began shouting: ‘Come on, old fella. Give it some metal. Wouldn’t mind a ride of your daughter.’
‘Idiots,’ said Karin as their car sped away with a blast of exhaust. She could sense a part of Aaron wanted to take them on, checking his mirrors for a way through, but she managed to distract him by putting on his ‘Music To Drive For’ compilation, fast-forwarding through Travis and Coldplay. Karin patted him on the leg, because this was worse than not using the air-con, but it forced another smile out of him. It had taken her a long while to feel brave enough to do this kind of thing. Desperate to be his contemporary and not some alien from another generation, initially she felt obliged to like whatever he liked. Now that she knew him better she could relax and be herself, most of the time.
‘So where are we going?’ she asked as they approached signs for both the M62 and M1 up ahead. Aaron wouldn’t say, but when they turned onto the M621 she thought she might have an idea. ‘So is it Manchester? Chester? Oh God, if it’s the Lakes I didn’t pack any outdoorsy stuff.’
‘It’s not the Lakes,’ he said, grinning.
‘You tease-ball. I hate you.’
Aaron smiled. ‘You’ll love it,’ he said.
He was always so keen to please and surprise. But what she liked most about him was that he didn’t make her feel like she was on a runaway train, about to crash. This was a proper romance, not a teenage train wreck. Karin began to contemplate him with an intensity neither one of them would have felt comfortable with had Aaron not been driving. Either that or he was pretending not to notice. Aaron was sweet like that.
What if Mel was right about this weekend? At this precise moment she was feeling somewhere between terrified and ecstatic at the prospect of someone asking to marry her. Not just anyone. Aaron. Marriage was not something she expected would ever happen to her. Not something she had even considered for herself, something other people did. And Mel was right about it being sudden. Whirlwind. Wasn’t that the term? They had only been together a few months. So did she really need to make that final commitment yet? Karin was in no doubt that she loved Aaron, but weren’t they doing fine as they were? She had only just got her life back together.
Having abandoned her education, Karin was now doing far better than she ever imagined, with a level of responsibility she probably ought to have a string of qualifications for. The pay was poor in the charity sector, but the cause was certainly worth fighting for, and for the first time, she felt valued and needed. That wasn’t even about money. It was about hard work and a self-belief she had never had in all the years of being crushed by her mother, feeling, always, the inadequacy of her existence; the burden of living in Birgitta’s frozen shadow. It was a cruel irony that the one inferior product her mother had designed should be the one she gave birth to. Karin was never allowed to forget that, but now the real Karin had emerged. Thanks to Mel. And also to Louie. She couldn’t forget the part that Louie had played in her recovery. But it was Mel who, in the end, had got Louie off her back and she could never forget that either.
The money she had received today from her mother’s accountant would certainly change things. Almost a million pounds was going to make a huge difference to her life. It meant that she no longer had to scrounge off Mel for one thing, and she could pay her own way with Aaron too. At the moment, he picked up the tab for practically everything, but this enormous sum of money would set them on equal terms. No longer feeling like she had something to prove just because of her age. Plus Aaron had a tendency to spoil her. Take this birthday treat for instance, whatever it was, it wasn’t necessary. Karin had grown up with wealth and status and found it loveless and cold. Not that she wasn’t grateful. Scraping away at the very bottom of human existence had taught her what it was really like to be hungry and afraid. So she could fully appreciate this lifeline that she had been thrown. And to think that she had once been homeless, yet could now afford to buy a place of her own, was mind-blowing.
Karin actually wanted to tell Birgitta these things, to say thank you, but she knew that wouldn’t be possible. Her life would be over just as soon as she made contact again.
Pushing aside this regret, but with a giddiness in her stomach, Karin looked out at the dramatic Pennine sky and the outline of Manchester beginning to take shape in the distance. She thought she understood now what Mel was trying to say. This was a pivotal moment, a chance for an even better Karin to flourish, to be totally independent and self-sufficient.
A golden opportunity, and Karin did not intend to squander it.
After a few more moments of reflection, she was convinced that she had found the perfect solution. Turning to Aaron again she began to study him with the same intensity as before. What was to stop her from having her independence, but with Aaron as her husband? They could buy a place together, build a joint future, while still pursuing their own individual goals. Isn’t that what people did?
Don’t rush, take your time, don’t let him hurry you.
If she said ‘no’ or ‘not just yet’, she might lose him. And she loved him. Because Aaron didn’t make her feel like she was on that runaway train.
Even if she still was.
5
Karin
The lanes of traffic filed past and slowed down on the M62, the same cars repeating the same pattern in the roadworks. Karin’s phone was resting on her lap. Its sudden ping brought her out of her reverie. When she saw what Mel had sent her, she laughed. A photo of Will tucking into a plate of pasta, and a message:
BOTH OKAY.
HOPE YOU ARE TOO.
LOVE MEL & WILL
XX
If Mel had chosen to walk by that night after tripping over her outstretched legs, as she sat in her usual spot under the damp stone ceiling of the Dark Arches, Karin might not even be here now. She knew she looked and smelt like rotting garbage, a stinking heap cluttering up the pavement, yet something in Mel had made her stop. She had bent down to ask her name, wrapped a scarf around her neck and given her gloves to put over her freezing fingers, white and numb at the ends. Then she began asking questions: Why was Karin in such a state? How had it come to this?
Some people bothered to do that.
When Mel reached her limit, Karin watched her go, calling, ‘You have a nice night.’ That’s what happened: she was used to it. So twenty minutes later, to see her returning with piping hot coffee and a cheeseburger, seemed like a miracle. Mel also gave her money for a hostel, making Karin promise that she would be sure to find one. Karin didn’t let on that it was too late for that night, but she did use the money for the following one.
‘Is this where I can find you?’ she enquired before abandoning her to the cold again. Karin remembered that question had made her laugh, sitting in this gloomy Victorian tunnel under the railway station, full of shadows, and thunderous noises from above.
‘Yes, this is my current address,’ she replied. ‘The Dark Arches, Leeds.’
A couple of days later Mel came back to see her, took her to lunch in a greasy-spoon, where Karin ate like an abandoned dog. They chatted for a while and when she had finished eating, Mel offered her the spare room in the house that she was renting. ‘It’s in Headingley,’ she said, as if Karin might actually care. ‘Look I can’t bear to see a young girl like you out here on the streets. It’s not right.’
Mel’s kindness stretched beyond the initial trial period of a couple of nights. If Karin could find herself a job, then she was welcome to stay. In the meantime, she let her off paying rent and Karin did some volunteering with the homeless charity, helping out with the Love an Empty scheme. Eventually they asked her to manage the project on Ashby Road. It paid next to nothing and she still couldn’t contribute very much, but Karin always promised to repay Mel.
‘In a year’s time, I should be back on my feet. When I turn twenty-two.’
Mel always said it didn’t matter about paying her back, just to contribute as soon as she was able. That’s why today had felt particularly special. Although Karin did consider giving her more than five thousand pounds, she appreciated that Mel would probably be insulted if she did. However, it bothered Karin that she hadn’t been a terribly good housemate in return, spending most of her time at Aaron’s place rather than in Headingley. So Karin had decided to make it up to her with flowers, meals out, extravagant presents instead; more Mel’s style in any case. Starting next week, she would take her to the new Swank restaurant that had opened down on The Calls. Mel said the other day how much she would love to go there, but could never afford it.
A few months after moving in, she was introduced to Aaron and they had started going out together. It still gave Karin a flutter in her stomach thinking about that, even now. He had come round to fix a temperamental dishwasher – the very same – and an instant spark had fired up between them. Mel teased Karin relentlessly, but without holding back on her concerns over his age. She clearly believed it would fizzle out soon enough. It hadn’t though, which left Karin feeling somewhat guilty.
‘You don’t know anyone who’d be suitable for Mel, do you?’ she asked, twirling her hair round her finger. Aaron’s laughter surprised her, but then she realized the question had come from nowhere. ‘No, I’m serious though. You must know some decent men out of all your work contacts, surely. It’s not like she’s unattractive.’ He gave her a rather noncommittal half-shrug. ‘It’s just I feel bad sometimes about her sitting in the house on her own, when I’m out all the time with you. Hardly see her these days and she’s been so kind to me.’ Aaron gave her another shrug, implying that wasn’t Karin’s problem. ‘You know what she did for me, Aaron.’
‘I’ll have a think.’
She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.
‘Can’t promise anything, mind,’ he added.
‘No, I know. But she deserves someone nice, that’s all.’
Perhaps Mel’s problem was that she was too good-natured, and people took advantage. Karin was aware that Mel dabbled in internet dating from time to time, but without any success as far as she could make out, and Mel had hinted at some difficult scenarios, people in it for the wrong reasons.
Aaron accelerated and at last they were moving again. Karin turned to him and smiled, sinking her head into the headrest with thoughts of how much she had come to love him these past months and how fortunate she was to have found him.
He was wearing well for a man in his mid-forties, a full head of brown hair, and a pretty good physique through playing squash and sessions at the gym. Not handsome as such, but he had a face that got more interesting with age and to Karin that was preferable to handsome. It wasn’t the crazy, wild passion she had once known, but she associated that with the past in any case, and her adolescence was thankfully behind her now. Louie had been a big part of her initial healing process, and without Louie she would never have survived, but the wild, experimental journey they went on together wasn’t really who she was. It had left an emotional scar, on both sides she didn’t doubt, and she hoped that Louie had also met someone else by now. She closed her eyes to squeeze out the memory, wanting only Aaron to be in her head and to imagine what it might be like waking up to his face every morning for the rest of her life.
She swallowed, telling herself to slow down.
Aaron glanced over. ‘You seem deep in thought,’ he said, giving her hair a stroke.
Karin flushed. The likelihood of him proposing in any case was pretty remote.
Mel had got it wrong.
A sharp pain suddenly jabbed her forehead and she tried to massage it away. If she ever did get married, would she write and tell her mother the news? After the event, obviously. Like Birgitta had done to her. But Karin knew that any letter she sent would only come back in the post unopened. Or perhaps her mother would even go so far as to get the police to return it to her, so they could arrest her at the same time. As her dad used to say, Birgitta’s decisions were set in ice.
‘You sure you’re okay?’
The sound of Aaron’s voice snapped her back into the moment, and Karin realized she had become unbearably hot. Her dress was clinging to her and her scalp felt prickly. ‘Yeah, sorry,’ she said. She lowered the window and stuck her head out, not bothering about what it might do to her hair at this speed. ‘I was just thinking about where we might be going.’
‘You’ll soon see,’ said Aaron, holding her hair down until she came back in again and put the window up. ‘You look amazing tonight, by the way.’
‘Thanks. You don’t look too bad yourself.’
The sharp blast of air seemed to work, and Karin visualized them making plans for the future, getting their first place together. A house with a garden where children could play. A log cabin, and plenty of long grass to run around in and be wild. She would be a good mother. Stay home and spend time with her kids. There would be more than one; an only child was a miserable child. She would wrap them in love and laughter, never abandon or ignore them and definitely never send them away.
And Aaron would make a great father.
But what if he ever did find out? What then? Aaron didn’t deserve to be hurt, not again. His marriage had ended badly. Infidelity, not on his part, followed by a messy divorce.
Karin’s heart began to thump against her chest. She wrapped her fingers round her wrist, something the bereavement counsellor had taught her to do at school to force the positive thoughts through. It was the bereavement counsellor who had explained about the post-traumatic stress headaches too. She said Karin had been through a lot. The strained relationship with her mother. Losing her father. Her stepdad’s suicide. She asked if there might be one incident in particular which could be behind such violent headaches. Karin never told her. Apart from her mother, there were only two people who knew the truth.
Will and Louie.
She trusted Will with her life.
Louie, she was never going to see again.
Karin closed her eyes, trying to hang onto these positives. When she opened them again she registered they were heading north up the M6, the sign for Morecambe having fleetingly caught her eye. ‘Erm. Are we going to the coast?’ she asked, turning quickly to look at the sign even though she knew it would have disappeared by now.
Aaron didn’t pick up on the panic in her voice. ‘We might be,’ he said, a boyish grin spreading across his face.
But the signs repeatedly said Morecambe. And after a while there it was. Marine Road West. She could see it up ahead, a building of elegant white curves. Of all the places to bring her. Why here? It was her birthday, a simple meal in Leeds would have been perfect. Couldn’t they just go back to Leeds? Couldn’t she suggest that? Was it too late to turn round?
They swung into the car park of The Midland hotel, gleaming white in all its restored Art Deco glory, and Karin felt herself shaking. As beautiful and magnificent as it was, she never intended coming back here.
Not ever.
It stood before her now like a defiant ghost, keeper of memories she didn’t want to revive. Karin held onto her wrist so tightly her fingers turned white. She thought she had left all this behind.
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