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Chapter One
Caz
Now
I turned the invitation over and over in my hands, despite the feeling of nausea rising up from the pit of my stomach and the sheer panic that seeing that handwriting for the first time in what – over four years? – had engendered in me. You had to hand it to Dorrie, she certainly knew how to break the ice. Only she could have sent me an invitation to her hen weekend on Mickey Mouse notepaper.
Dorrie and Daz are finally tying the knot, it read and I snorted with laughter. Trust Doris to make her forthcoming nuptials sound like some kids’ TV programme. I was glad she was finally getting hitched to Yakult Man. About time too. They were made for each other. I had been surprised when Mum had sneered disapprovingly that my Goody Two-Shoes friend had had a baby out of wedlock, because it seemed so unlikely. Dorrie was always capable of surprises though, so maybe she’d relaxed about doing things the right way round since we last spoke. I had no clue as to what was going on in her private life, apart from the news I gleaned from Mum. I was no longer part of the inner circle. No one confided in me any more. My fault of course.
I looked at the invitation again. You are invited, it said, to Dorrie’s extra special hen weekend at Euro Disney. Fri 27Sun 29 March. Fab Four members only. One four all and all four one. Trust Doris to remember that stupid tag line we’d had as kids. At the bottom, Doris had scrawled in her unforgettably untidy handwriting (amazing how someone as beautifully presented as Doris could have such terrible writing, but then, that was Doris all over, a mass of impossible contradictions), Please come. It won’t be the same without you.
Doris. How could her parents have been so unkind as to give her that name? She always claimed it was because her mum was a fan of Doris Day, but it seemed like for once in her impeccably toned and manicured life, Doris’s mum had made a major faux pas. Not that Doris seemed to mind. She’d inherited the happy-go-lucky nature of her screen namesake, and took que sera, sera as her motto. And because she was just so bloody wonderful and fabulous, no one ever seemed to even tease her about her name. Now if it had been me…
I turned the invitation over in my hands. Should I go? It seemed to me that Doris was offering me another chance. Typical of her generosity that. And I didn’t deserve it. I felt my stomach twist with guilt and shame as I remembered how I’d treated her last time we’d met.
‘Hey Caz.’ Dorrie had turned up on my doorstep un expectedly one day five years previously, just before Beth’s wedding.
‘Hi,’ I said. I was conscious that I looked unkempt, my normally short, slicked-back black hair – styled on Trinity from The Matrix – a tangled mess, whereas Dorrie, as ever, was done up to the nines, immaculate in a flowery vintage dress, black suede boots and a fabulous leather jacket.
‘Are you OK? You look a bit rough.’ Instantly Dorrie thought about me. I should have been more gracious, but I’d had a rough night in A & E with Mum. None of the girls ever knew about the humiliation of those trips to casualty, and I was too ashamed to tell them.
‘I’m fine,’ I said sharply, and saw Dorrie flinch.
‘Can I come in?’
‘I suppose,’ I said, but I didn’t really want her there, I wanted to curl up and hide from the world.
‘I just wanted to see if there’s a way we can sort all this out,’ Dorrie said as she followed me into the lounge. I knew I should be offering her a drink, but I’d never felt less hospitable.
‘All what out?’ It came out belligerently. I knew what was coming and moreover I knew Dorrie was right. I had caused a rift in the Fab Four and it was up to me to put it right.
‘Oh Caz, this business with you and Beth and her wedding,’ said Dorrie. ‘Can’t you make up with her? She really does want you to be her bridesmaid.’
‘So why isn’t she here asking me?’ I demanded.
‘She doesn’t know I’m here,’ admitted Dorrie. ‘Look, I’m sure I don’t know who’s right and who’s wrong here—’
‘Too right you don’t,’ I said. ‘Just leave it, Dorrie, you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.’
‘Please don’t be like that,’ Dorrie said. ‘I know I can’t properly understand—’
‘You have no idea,’ I said. ‘It’s all right for you, with your perfect life and perfect family.’
‘If you must know, that’s not true,’ said Dorrie. ‘I’ve got problems you know nothing about.’
‘What, Little Miss Perfect has a problem? What could possibly go wrong for you?’ I knew I was being unfair, and my guilt and anger were misdirected, but as usual my mouth engaged before my brain had – the words were out before I could stop them.
Dorrie looked as if I had smacked her. ‘Sarah was right,’ she said. ‘She told me you wouldn’t listen.’
‘So you’ve cooked this up with Sarah?’ I said. ‘I might have known. I know you mean well, Dorrie, but I think you’d better go.’
‘I wouldn’t stay another minute,’ said Dorrie. She picked up her huge Gucci handbag, and got up and left the room. When she got to the door, she said sadly, ‘You’re not the only one with troubles you know.’
I didn’t stop to ask her what she meant and let her go. It was only much later that I found out how ill her dad was. I’d always loved Dorrie’s dad, who’d been so kind to me growing up. I tried to make amends, but Dorrie never returned my calls. I’ve felt guilty ever since. But now it seemed like Dorrie had forgiven me.
But what of the others? Could Beth and Sarah ever forgive me for what I’d done to them? We grew up in a culture that taught us that redemption is always possible. But I liked to think I lived in the real world and was realistic enough to know that it didn’t happen as often as our teachers told us. Besides. You need to earn redemption. To gain forgiveness, you need to be truly, truly sorry. And even now there’s a self-destructive bit of me which isn’t sure that I am…
The plane touched down at Charles de Gaulle airport and I took a deep breath. Well, here I was. Finally. It had taken all my courage to come – I’d been tempted by a job in Greece where a famous model was attempting a comeback shoot for M&S. It would have been a great job. Glamorous. In the sun all day, and time in the evenings for some unwinding and Greek dancing in the local tavernas. But Charlie persuaded me to go to France. Charlie was my favourite photographer on the circuit. Down-to-earth and easy-going, he had the most amazing ability to tease the best out of the subjects he shot. Working with Charlie was always a breeze. And he was fun to socialize with too. Not since that mad moment in Las Vegas that we’d ever been anything other than friends, mind. He was firmly hitched to his live-in girlfriend and, attractive as I found him, I wasn’t about to go upsetting any apple carts. I’d learnt my lesson too well last time.
I emerged blinking from the airport into the pale March Paris sunshine. I always loved coming to Paris, but it was the café culture, museums and walks along the Seine which were the usual attraction for me. Without Dorrie’s invite, I doubt I’d ever have visited Disneyland Paris, but here I was on a train out of Gare du Nord, bound for Mickey Mouseville. Doris was the only person who could have ever persuaded me to come. And I still wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing.
The shuttle service to Marne la Vallée proved surprisingly quick, and I had barely time to get my head together and think what on earth I was going to say to everyone when suddenly there I was being deposited in front of Woody’s Cowboy Ranch. Toy Story being Dorrie’s favourite Disney film, she’d insisted we stay here. Despite my nerves I couldn’t help but smile as Woody greeted me at the door. I could just imagine how delighted Dorrie must have been when she arrived.
My smile was only temporary though. My heart plunged to my boots as I made my way to the reception desk. Suddenly I was eight years old again, being invited for the first time to Dorrie’s mansion. It had felt like such a privilege, and yet in the self-destructive way I have, I’d pretty much blown the chance of making the most of the opportunities being friends with Dorrie and the others had afforded me. I didn’t even know if they’d want to see me again, let alone forgive me. Knowing Dorrie, I bet she hadn’t told them I was coming.
I checked in at the desk, my nerves making a mash of my schoolgirl French. The unsmiling receptionist responded in perfect English with a look of such sneery disdain and I wanted the ground to swallow me up whole. Giving up on any attempt to speak her language, I said, ‘I’m meeting friends; a Doris Bradley?’
‘Ah oui, Mademoiselle Bradley is next door to you. I will let her know you have arrived.’
I took my bags and made my way to the third floor, shaking like a leaf. Suppose I ended up ruining Dorrie’s big weekend? This had been a dreadful mistake. I was wrong to come.
I found my room, next to Dorrie’s. I swallowed hard. Should I dump my bags, freshen up and then go and say hi? Or should I bite the bullet and go straight for it?
The door to room 327 flung wide open, and there in the flesh for the first time in five years stood Dorrie. Larger than life, as ever. Welcoming me in a massive hug. I felt my worries disappear instantly. Dorrie had a way of doing that. It was her special talent.
‘Caz! You came! I’m so pleased. Come right in.’ I’d forgotten how overpowering she could be. She propelled me into the middle of a massive room. I had a moment to take in the double bed, the cowboy-hat-shaped lampshades, the bridles and saddles decorating the walls, and the huge horseshoe over the bed, before I realized she wasn’t alone. Lounging on the bed, sipping champagne, were two faces I hadn’t seen in a very, very long time. They both looked up at me and registered their shock.
‘You never said she was coming.’ Sarah shot me a look of such venom, I was quite taken aback. God, did she really hate me that much still?
‘It wouldn’t have been the same without her,’ said Dorrie firmly.
‘Lock up your husbands,’ said Sarah. ‘Sorry Doz, I know you mean well, but I’m not spending any more time with her than I have to.’ She got up and stormed out of the room, pushing past me with evident hatred.
I knew I shouldn’t have come.
Chapter Two
Beth
I was so shocked when Caz walked through the door. Doris had been yacking on all morning about having a wonderful surprise for Sarah and me, but neither of us had imagined it would be Caz. I suppose we should have known. It was Dorrie who’d instigated the Bridesmaid Pact way back when, so I suppose it would be just like her to assume we’d all come together for her wedding, even though none of us had managed to do it for each other’s. Of course, Caz had made a monumental cock-up with her wedding. By her own admission, copious amounts of vodka, and the sheer dizzying excitement of being in Vegas had led her to get carried away. By the time we found out she was married, it was already over, so there was no chance we could get to be bridesmaids for her. Dorrie was the closest I’ve seen to furious when she found out.
‘But what about the Bridesmaid Pact?’ she’d wailed.
‘What about it?’ Caz had laughed. ‘C’me on, you didn’t seriously expect us to fulfil that daft promise did you?’
But, of course, Dorrie did. When it was Sarah’s turn, she talked about nothing else. We were all lined up to be bridesmaids. It had all been sorted for months. But then, Caz did whatever she did – to this day Sarah’s none too sure, but Steve swore whatever happened had been at Caz’s instigation. And that was that. Caz dropped out of being a bridesmaid but then turned up in the evening anyway, nearly ruining Sarah’s day, and Sarah’s never, ever forgiven her.
My wedding was next, and I was all for having the Fab Four together on my special day. I didn’t need Dorrie to persuade me, and I’d hoped that Sarah and Caz could make up enough for that to happen. Sarah was prepared to put aside their differences for my sake, but then Caz had to go and open her big mouth at my hen night, we argued and I said I didn’t want her to be my bridesmaid any more. She didn’t even come to the wedding, and thanks to Sarah suffering from terrible morning sickness, half the time it felt as though Dorrie was my only bridesmaid. It wasn’t what either of us had planned. Thanks to Caz’s erratic behaviour at my hen night, I was terrified about my secret coming out on my wedding day. I couldn’t bear it if Matthew had found out. Now I wonder if I was right. I wish sometimes I had told him. Particularly now. Secrets are corrosive, they never do you any good.
I’d had enough of Caz by then. So selfish. So poisonous. So untrustworthy. Wherever she goes she leaves a trail of carnage behind her. One day it will come and bite her on the bum and she’ll be sorry.
I thought after that we’d never see her again. The Fab Four shrank down to the Terrific Trio. It was good, but not the way things had been. And though I’d never admit it to the others, there were times when I missed Caz. She was so wild and daring and different – all the things I’d longed to be. And despite her later betrayal, she had been there for me when I needed her. Besides Caz added sparkle to my life, a sparkle I thought had gone forever. Until now. Typical that Dorrie would insist on her coming. There was a time when Dorrie hadn’t been able to forgive Caz, but it simply wasn’t in her nature to bear grudges.
Caz stood looking awkward in the middle of the room.
‘I knew this was a bad idea,’ she said, barely looking at me. ‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry, I’m going to ruin your weekend.’
‘You are going nowhere,’ said Doris firmly. ‘I invited you because I wanted you here. I know we’ve all had our differences’ – that’s putting it mildly, but Doris is the queen of positive spin – ‘a lot of water’s gone under the bridge. But this is my hen weekend and I want you here. Life’s too short to fall out with people. I think it’s time we all moved on. So there. Beth, you don’t mind do you?’
‘I—’ What could I say? Doris was right. She usually was. Perhaps it was time to forgive and forget. Caz had undoubtedly hurt me, what she’d done to me was inconsiderate and thoughtless, I’d been holding on to my anger about it for a long time. But like my secret, that anger was corrosive and doing me no good. Seeing Caz in the flesh made me realize how much I missed her.
‘Beth, I’m really sorry,’ said Caz. ‘I know it was a long time ago, but those things I said at your hen night…I’d had too much to drink and behaved really, really badly. I’m so ashamed of myself. I didn’t mean to cause you, of all people, so much grief. I’ve never had a chance to tell you before how sorry I was.’
Because I’d never let her, I realized with a jolt.
‘I can’t say I wasn’t upset,’ I said, slowly, ‘because I was. But I think Dorrie’s right. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. I can’t promise to forget, but I will try and forgive.’
‘I know I don’t deserve that,’ said Caz, and I could see tears sparkling in her eyes. With that I melted completely. I could barely remember seeing Caz cry. I realized what a big thing it was for her to have walked into the room in the first place, let alone apologize.
‘It’s history,’ I said, ‘forget about it.’
We hugged awkwardly and Doris poured her a glass of champagne. Caz sat down on the edge of the bed and we embarked on a serious catch-up.
‘How’s your family?’ Caz asked.
‘Oh fine,’ I said. ‘Parents are older, but still going strong. They moved, you know, out of London, to be by the sea. But then they decided it was too dull for them there and moved back. So now Mum organizes the new parish priest, Father Miserecordie, and Dad sends her mad by building things in the garage, and they’re happy as Larry.’ I stopped, wondering if I should ask about Caz’s mum who had never been happy in her life, but Caz did it for me.
‘Mum is sadly still with us,’ she said. ‘I barely see her. Thank goodness.’
‘You can’t mean that,’ I protested. ‘Surely she’s not that bad.’
‘You don’t know the half of it,’ said Caz in a tone that brooked no further questions. She looked slightly hesitant and said to Doris, ‘I was really sorry to hear about your dad. What happened?’
‘You don’t know?’ Dorrie’s face creased in pain. I couldn’t begin to imagine what she’d been through. She always kept her cards closely to her chest, but from the little I’d gleaned it had been tough.
‘No,’ said Caz. ‘I mean, I heard he died and I was really sorry, but Mum didn’t know any of the details.’
‘He had MS,’ said Doris. ‘It was a progressive type and acted really fast. It was really terrible. He was in a wheelchair being fed by a tube at the end.’
Caz looked horrified. I think of all of us she’d loved Dorrie’s dad the most. Perhaps not having one of her own, she was more appreciative of him than Sarah and I were.
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Caz. ‘I should have been there for you.’
‘You were probably too busy on a drinking spree,’ said Doris in an uncharacteristically spiteful manner.
‘Ouch,’ said Caz, flinching. ‘I probably deserved that.’
There was an uncomfortable pause, then Doris said, ‘No, no you didn’t. I’m the one who should be sorry. That was uncalled for. What happened to Dad was so bloody rotten and unfair, it makes me angry is all.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ said Caz. ‘Your dad was wonderful. What a terrible thing to happen to him.’
Another pause, when we were uncomfortably aware that Doris, cheerful, happy-go-lucky Doris, was blinking away tears.
‘This will never bloody do,’ she said, pulling herself together. ‘This is a hen weekend, not a misery fest. We’re here to party. Time to go and do some screaming.’
In our teens, screaming as a result of Doris forcing us onto some god-awful fairground ride was a common occurrence. I’d hated it then and hated it now.
‘Do we have to?’ I groaned.
‘Yup,’ said Dorrie. ‘That’s the deal this weekend. You all have to come on at least one ride where you get to scream.’
‘What about Sarah?’ said Caz. ‘She clearly doesn’t want me here. I don’t want to ruin things.’
‘Leave Sarah to me,’ said Doris firmly. ‘No one, but no one, is going to spoil my weekend.’
‘OK, here’s the thing,’ said Dorrie as we queued up to go into Euro Disney. ‘This is my weekend and I want things my way. So Sarah, Caz, I know you have your differences, and I know this isn’t easy for you. But, it’s really important to me that you’re both here, particularly now,’ she paused, then added, ‘with the wedding and everything. So can we call a truce for the next forty-eight hours? You can go back to hating each other afterwards.’
Sarah looked mutinous but didn’t say anything. Like the rest of us, she found it impossible to resist Dorrie, but her resentment of Caz was so deep rooted, she was obviously prepared to make an exception.
‘Look, Dorrie,’ said Caz looking uncomfortable, ‘it clearly isn’t OK for Sarah for me to be here. I should go back to the hotel—’
‘When did you turn all mealy mouthed, Caz?’ snapped Sarah. ‘I think I preferred you bitchy.’
‘I can do bitchy if you want me to,’ Caz snapped right back. ‘I am trying, you know.’
Dorrie tried again. ‘Come on girls, we’re in Euro Disney. Play nice. For me?’
Sarah still looked sulky, but said, ‘Anything for you, Dorrie, you know that.’
‘Me too,’ said Caz, looking relieved.
‘Great,’ said Dorrie, brightening up. ‘Now let’s go party.’
As we came through the entrance, we were greeted by a band playing incessantly cheerful music, and the sight of Mickey and Goofy glad-handing people.
‘Perfect,’ said Dorrie, clapping her hands. ‘This is just perfect.’
It was impossible not to get swept up in her enthusiasm. Soon we found ourselves in Frontierland, trying to work out which was the least scary ride. Sarah and I hated rides, while Caz and Dorrie loved them.
‘Well that one doesn’t look too bad,’ Caz pointed at Big Thunder Mountain which seemed to consist of carriages whizzing in and out of tunnels and didn’t appear that dangerous.
Half an hour later we were all screaming. Big Thunder Mountain was apparently ‘fairly thrilling’ according to the scare guide on the map we’d been given as we entered the park. I must be getting old or something, but I started yelling for dear life, the minute the rollercoaster cranked us up to the top and we could see darkness beckoning us below. Within seconds we were plunging down and sideways through endless dark tunnels and Sarah and I were screeching our heads off. How could anyone think this was fun? Behind us I could hear Caz turning the air blue, but Doris was just laughing aloud. I don’t know how she does that. She never appears to be fazed by anything.
‘Don’t – make – me – go – on – anything – else,’ Sarah panted out between breaths as we got off. ‘That was truly horrible.’
‘What, not even the teacups?’ Doris was laughing at all of us. Even Caz looked white. But she took pity on us long enough to let us go and buy ourselves candyfloss, and permitted us to wander about weighing up the other rides before we went on them.
‘I think we should go on Space Mountain next,’ said Doris as we found our way into the space adventure area.
‘No, no and no,’ I said, staring up in horror as we watched a rocket being cranked up the side of a huge tower.
‘I think I might be sick if I went on that,’ said Sarah faintly.
‘I’m game if you are,’ Caz said, grinning at Dorrie, never one to miss out on a dare. She and Sarah had barely spoken to each other all afternoon, leaving Dorrie and me to gamely plug in the gaps, but at least they weren’t out and out fighting.
‘Oh, I’m game,’ said Dorrie. ‘You know me. Are you sure you two don’t want to go?’
‘Absolutely,’ we said in unison.
We waved them off to the massive queue and took ourselves off to a Buzz Lightyear ride which consisted of zapping lots of aliens, at which I was rubbish but Sarah proved rather good.
‘How come you got so many?’ I said in surprise. ‘I didn’t have you taped as a computer games nerd.’
‘It’s amazing what you pick up from five-year-olds,’ said Sarah. She has two boys the oldest of whom is obsessed with PlayStation. ‘It also helps that I was imagining all the aliens with Caz’s face on them.’
‘Sarah,’ I protested weakly. ‘Is that fair?’
‘The nerve of her!’ Sarah suddenly said. ‘I can understand why Dorrie asked her. We all know how kind and – well, some might say stupidly forgiving – she is, but Caz didn’t have to say yes did she? She must have known it would be awkward.’
‘More for her than us, maybe,’ I said.
‘Oh come on, Beth, you know what she did to me,’ said Sarah. ‘You might be prepared to forgive and forget, but I don’t find it that easy.’
‘I know, I know,’ I said. ‘And I can’t say I was all that keen to see her. But can’t you make an effort? At least for Doris’s sake. It obviously means a lot to her. Can’t you at least try?’
‘I’ll think about it,’ said Sarah, in a noncommittal manner, but I noticed when Doris and Caz came back, both looking slightly pale it has to be said, that she made an effort to at least speak to Caz and even shared one or two jokes with her. I grinned encouragingly at Dorrie. Who knows, maybe her madcap reunion scheme might actually work. Stranger things have been known to happen.
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