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CHAPTER FOUR

Jessica,

I don’t know how you know so much about loss or dealing with pain, but you’ve helped me more than I could ever tell you. Having a friend to write to, someone to just hang out with in the normal world, makes all the difference to me. I love what I do, wouldn’t give it up for the world, but sometimes it helps to have someone non-army to talk to.

You do realize I’m gonna owe you big-time when I come home. Dinner, drinks, whatever you want, but you writing to me has given me a boost, and that only makes me a better soldier. I was starting to think I was too old for war, but it’s like I’ve been recharged.

So think about it. When I finally leave this place and come home, my shout. Whatever you want. And I promise not to talk about me or ask you for any more advice. Okay? Ryan

RYAN SAT IN the car and watched the throng of kids as they spilled out from the building. He couldn’t see George, but then that was hardly a surprise. The boy would probably hide in class to avoid having to get in the car with his dad.

But Ryan was patient. He’d wait here as long as he had to. Besides, it wasn’t as if he didn’t have enough on his mind to keep him occupied.

Jessica.

Today had started out so well and ended so … badly. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the seat. He thumped his hand on the wheel. Ow! Sometimes he forgot he was meant to be recuperating, that he couldn’t use his arm like that. It hurt badly sometimes, ached, bothered him when he was uptight or unsure.

He hated not being strong and capable. It wasn’t that he was weak, but he’d always been the tough guy, the one who could be counted on physically and mentally in the worst of situations.

And it wasn’t like it was only his arm troubling him. His head was messed up, too, especially after his behavior earlier.

Somehow he’d managed to screw today up. Jessica was supposed to be the easy part, the simple meeting of a friend. How wrong he’d been.

Why was being back so hard? He was so good at being a soldier, it came so naturally to him. Ryan swallowed and looked out the window.

Being a dad had come naturally to him once, too.

So had being a husband.

But that felt like another lifetime ago. Like he could just hold on to it as a long-distant memory, but it was starting to fade. Fast.

Ryan jumped at a knock on the car window.

He cursed, then pushed the button to wind down the window and acknowledge George’s teacher. “You frightened the life out of me!”

“Sorry.” The young man smiled, holding out his hand.

Ryan opened the door and got out, shaking the teacher’s hand and leaning against the side of his car.

“It’s Shaun, right?”

The teacher nodded. Ryan had only met him once before, on his first day back, but he’d liked him straight away.

“I saw you sitting here and thought I’d see how you were getting on with George,” Shaun said.

Ryan shrugged. What did he say to that?

“Not great.” There seemed no point in not telling the truth.

“Anything I can do to help?”

“You know, once upon a time I knew exactly what to say to make him laugh, just to be there for him. You know?” he said.

Shaun gave him a kind smile.

“It’s not so easy anymore. Figuring out what the right thing to do with him is hard work,” Ryan admitted.

“I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. Just stick with it and do what feels right.”

Ryan nodded, shoulders heaving as he exhaled. He wasn’t usually one to open up, to talk to someone about how he felt, but George seemed to genuinely like his teacher. And he appreciated the offer of help.

“I guess I’ve found it hard to know what to say to him since his mom died. Until now, I’ve taken the easy way out and let my parents do the hard work.”

It had indeed been the coward’s way out and he was man enough to admit it. Especially now he could see firsthand the effect it had had on his boy.

“What matters is that you’re here now and you want to do something about it.” The teacher held out his hand again and patted Ryan on the shoulder with the other.

“You’ll get there, and if you need someone to talk to—either of you—I’m here. Okay?”

“Thanks.”

Shaun gestured toward the door. “I saw him by his locker before, I’m sure he’ll be out soon.”

Ryan watched the teacher walk off and got back in the car.

When he’d been redeployed the last time, he was still grieving for his wife. He’d held his son at the airport, hugged him tight and then walked away. Seeing his own mother hold his boy had left an image in his mind that had never faded. An image that told him George would be happier without his dad. That a messed-up, grieving, unsure father was nothing compared to the steady, loving influence of grandparents.

And then every month he’d stayed away it had simply been easier to keep telling himself it was true. That it was better for George, and it was sure easier for him. Because he didn’t have to see the similarities to his wife in his son’s face on a daily basis. Didn’t have to remember what it had been like when they’d been a family, the three of them. Happy and content.

But now … Now George was, well, not a little boy anymore. He’d gone from a sweet nine-year-old to an almost twelve-year-old with a voice on the verge of cracking and an attitude to boot. It was obvious he loved his grandparents, but his feelings toward his father were a whole other matter entirely.

If he even felt anything for his father anymore.

But what had Ryan expected? To come home and pick up where they’d left off? He’d been a fool to stay away so long, but he wasn’t going to run away again. He was going to stand up, take it on the chin and accept the fact that he’d failed his son.

The car door opened. Ryan sat up straighter and looked into the eyes of his son.

George scowled at him and slammed the door, school bag on his knee.

“Hey.”

George ignored him.

“Good day at school?”

Ryan received a shrug in return before George slumped down low and stared out the window.

He turned the ignition and pulled out into the traffic.

Part of Ryan wanted to explode. To pull over and grab his son and shake him until he listened. To tell him what he’d been through, how much he hurt, what he’d seen during wartime that had made his stomach turn.

“George …”

But he couldn’t tell him off. Because his son had done nothing wrong. He was just behaving how any hurt child of his age would. By dishing out the silent treatment. So Ryan clenched all his fingers around the wheel and kept his eyes on the road and his mouth shut.

George didn’t seem to have noticed he’d even been spoken to. But a letter every other week and a dad absent for almost two years since his last trip home meant that Ryan deserved the silent treatment. The short time he’d spent with him between deployments the last time had been strained and emotional, but George had been a lot younger then. More accepting and so excited to have his dad back.

So right now he needed to wait it out, or figure out a way to make amends. It wasn’t as if he could jump up and down and insist the boy behave. George was on his way to becoming a young man, and if he didn’t fix things between them soon, he might lose his chance forever.

But this wasn’t the army. And George wasn’t his subordinate.

He was a dad and he had a lot to prove before he deserved the title. Being a father wasn’t something you could write on a name tag and lay claim to. He’d been anything but a dad these past few years, and it was embarrassing. Ryan had grown up in a loving family, his parents had been married thirty-seven years and his own father had been a shining role model.

Ryan felt his knuckles harden, like he was trying to squeeze the lifeblood from the steering wheel.

He’d let his own dad down, too, as much as he’d let himself down. After having the best example set for him, Ryan had ignored his instincts, that gut feeling that he was behaving badly. Had left it way too long to make amends.

Which is why part of him wanted to run back to the army and write this entire episode off as too hard. Hide again because it was easier.

But he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that. Because this time he had to face up to his past, to what had happened, and try to move forward. Instead of sticking his head in the sand like a stubborn ostrich.

Ryan flexed his jaw. The kid still hadn’t made a noise.

“What do you think about grabbing something to eat?”

George didn’t look at him, eyes still trained out the window, like he couldn’t think of anything worse than being in an enclosed space with his father, let alone having to communicate with him.

“Or would you rather go home?” Ryan asked.

“Home.”

Ryan nodded. At least he’d spoken. But he knew the drill. They’d arrive home, George would kiss his grandmother on the cheek and grab a handful of her baking, then head to his room. He’d either push his headphones on and blast music through his eardrums like he was determined to be deaf before his eighteenth birthday, or go square-eyed playing video games.

He had intended on asking George if he wanted to do something tonight, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen.

Which meant maybe, just maybe, he should call Jessica.

Jessica.

Now that was one word that was always sure to put a smile on his face. He had grinned like an idiot whenever a letter had arrived for him with her unmistakable handwriting on the back. And when he’d seen her today, he could barely wipe the smile from his lips.

He’d been rude earlier, hot then cold, and he had no idea why she’d rattled him so bad. Seeing her cry had done something to him, made him remember what it was like to see his wife cry. Years of her being the strong pillar of their marriage had fallen like dust to the ground that day they’d found out she’d had cancer. And seeing Jessica cry today had messed with his head in the same way.

But she had seemed on edge, too, before she’d broken down. Not herself, if that was even possible for him to know when he’d never met her before. But all those letters, all those words they’d shared, they counted for something. And deep down something was telling him that she would be just as annoyed with herself as he was with himself right now.

Which meant there was a glimmer of hope that she’d give him another chance and agree to the dinner she’d suggested before he’d blown cold and fled like a pride of lions was in pursuit of his soul.

Ryan sighed and pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house.

He’d already made a mess of his relationship with his son, but he didn’t have to ruin the one good thing in his life right now. Jessica was a great friend, had been a great friend, and he wasn’t going to act like an idiot and face the prospect of going back to war somewhere without knowing her letters would follow him there.

Wherever in the world he’d been, wherever they’d sent him, her letters had always found him. And she had no idea how that had kept him going. Kept him alive when everything else had gone so wrong.

He glanced at George again and noticed his eyes had closed. Great, now he preferred being unconscious to being in the car with his dad.

There was no chance of them spending time together tonight, so he wasn’t going to beat himself up about going out on a date.

Ryan clasped the wheel harder and stared straight ahead.

Not a date. Not in any way a date.

He was going to ask a friend for dinner. They’d already discussed it earlier.

Just because she looked incredible did not mean it was a date by any stretch of the word.

He ground his teeth together.

George leaped from the car with the most enthusiasm Ryan had seen from him all day as soon as they were stationary.

Dinner with Jessica was definitely his best option. Jessica couldn’t stop stirring her coffee. It was the only way she could continuously avoid her friend’s stare.

“You can’t avoid me forever.”

That was the problem. Bella had been her best friend far too long to be put off so easily. But what could she tell her? The truth was she had no idea herself what had happened.

“So what did he look like?”

Jessica took a sip and ignored the way the liquid burned her mouth.

“He was, um, normal. You know? Just a regular guy.”

She looked down again. If normal guys had frames that could fill doorways without an inch of fat covering their bones. Sharp blue eyes that made her want to blush every time they were turned her way, or tanned skin that seemed like the sun itself had fallen to earth to kiss it.

“Normal?” Bella didn’t sound convinced.

Jess nodded.

And received a punch to the arm in response.

“You’re lying.” Then Bella poked her, hard. “You know you can’t lie to me!”

Jess sighed. “Okay, so he was good-looking, but it doesn’t matter anyway.”

Bella started to laugh. “Mmm, so the fact that your soldier was hot didn’t interest you at all?”

Jessica felt her cheeks burn. They heated up so fast it was as if a fire had been lit in her mouth.

“Bella, we both know I’m not interested. He’s a friend, nothing more.” She did her best to sound firm. Assertive.

It didn’t come naturally to her. Not given the current subject matter.

“Did you like him, though? I mean, if you weren’t all hung up on not getting involved with someone …”

Jessica didn’t like where this conversation was going. Not at all.

“Theoretically, yes.” She held up her hand as Bella got that look on her face. That look that made her appear like an overexcited Labrador dog. “But that’s irrelevant because I’m not interested in men. Period.”

Bella didn’t seem put off. “Did you find out if he was being redeployed anywhere?”

Jessica felt her skin prickle, like a hedgehog had rolled over her arms, making goose pimples appear. She didn’t want to think about Ryan being sent back to his unit. Wherever in the world that might be, she knew in her gut it would be dangerous.

She nodded. “Yeah, he’s going back.”

“So let me get this right.” Bella grinned and shuffled her chair closer. “You’re telling me that the guy was gorgeous, you were attracted to him and he’s only here for a short time?”

Jess definitely didn’t like where this was going. She didn’t even bother replying. It wasn’t as if Bella was about to start listening to her now. She never had before.

“So can you explain to me why you don’t want to jump his bones?”

She sighed. Did that type of question even warrant a response? So she’d thought about him like that. He was attractive, yes. He was charming. He was, well, nice. Better than nice. Wonderful.

But it still didn’t mean she was going to let something happen romantically. She’d promised herself no men, no complications, no romance.

So why would she consider breaking her rules now for him?

“Jess?”

She shook her head. “I’m just not interested in Ryan or anyone else for that matter. Not now.”

“You’re missing the point, Jess.” Bella reached over the kitchen counter and took hold of her friend’s hand. “We’re talking about a guy who’s only going to be here for a short time, before he’s sent miles away. It’s not like it would be something long-term.” She paused. “You could let your hair down, forget all about what’s happened and just live in the now for a while.”

Jessica didn’t want to hear this. She wished she could close her ears and sing loudly like a naughty child who refused to listen until her friend shut up. Only they weren’t children and Bella kind of had a point. But it didn’t matter what she said or how tempting it might sound. She was a cancer survivor. She had to focus on her health. On her future.

On protecting her heart.

And she didn’t want to ruin her friendship with Ryan. What they had might be paper-based, but it meant a lot to her.

“Well?”

“No.”

Bella rolled her eyes. “Give me one good reason?”

The phone rang. Jessica had never been so pleased for an interruption. Its shrill bleeping made her jump to her feet.

“Hello,” she answered.

“Hey, Jess, it’s Ryan.”

The deep baritone that hit her eardrums sent a lick of excitement down her spine. She could curse Bella for putting ideas in her head!

“Hi, Ryan.”

There was a pause. A silence that made her heart pound hard.

“I was, ah, wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight after all?”

Jessica made the mistake of looking up at Bella. Her friend looked like she needed a paper bag, as if she were on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Is it him?” Bella was mouthing at her.

She nodded then turned her back. “Sure.”

Now Bella was flapping her hands. She was in danger of becoming airborne.

“Quiet,” Jess mouthed as she turned back, but her friend wasn’t listening.

“Shall I pick you up around seven?”

“Sounds great. I’ll see you then.”

As she hung up Jessica looked at Bella.

“Well?”

Jess gulped. “We’re going out for dinner.”

“Yaaaaaay!”

She cringed at Bella’s high pitch. She should never have told her.

“I can’t believe you’re finally back in the game.” Her friend sighed with satisfaction. “Going out on a date.”

Jess wished a hole would open up in the carpet and swallow her. Just suck her up and eat her whole. This was not a date. Absolutely not a date. No way.

“What are you going to wear?”

Jess groaned. Who was she kidding? This was absolutely a date. It didn’t matter what she tried to pretend, or how she thought about it. She was a girl going out for dinner with a boy, her stomach was leaping around as if something with wings had taken ownership of it, and Ryan had sounded as unsure as she had felt herself on the phone.

Given that she’d promised herself there was to be no dating for five years, she’d broken her one rule pretty fast.

But maybe Bella was right. If something did happen between them, if she did want something to happen, would it be so bad? Ryan wasn’t hanging around for long, there was no chance she could have her heart broken or get into something long-term, because he wouldn’t even be here beyond a couple of months.

“Come on, let’s get you ready.”

She looked at Bella and tried not to get excited. Ryan would be here in a few hours. She’d be getting in his car, sitting across from him at a restaurant somewhere, looking into those sparkling blue eyes …

Jess groaned again, even more loudly.

So much for thinking of him as nothing more than a friend.

Jessica wished she could quell the inconsistent thudding of her heart, but she couldn’t. It was no use.

She was nervous. Terrified. And for some reason there was nothing she could do to calm her nerves, her fear or her excitement.

If Bella hadn’t kept insisting it was a date …

Argh. The word kept circling her brain like an eagle hunting prey. It wasn’t a date. So why—the more she thought about the word—did it seem she was trying to convince herself of a cold-edged lie?

Jess parted the blinds to look out at the street. She watched as a couple of cars passed. The third one slowed then pulled up outside her house. Her hand dropped away, as if she’d been burned.

It was like this morning all over again.

Except this time she didn’t want to run from the scene. This time she wanted to run into his arms.

She growled at herself. She needed to stop listening to Bella.

But despite all her reasoning to the contrary, her promises to herself, the truth was that she was tempted. He was going away again soon. And she was attracted to him. So if he was interested in her like that then didn’t she owe it to herself to have a good time?

The logical part of her brain was telling her no. That his friendship meant too much to throw it all away. To even risk the possibility of something happening.

But the other part? That was telling her to have fun. To let her hair down for once. To enjoy the company of a man who didn’t know any of her baggage, her past. Who didn’t want to treat her as if broken glass was shattered over her skin, like he could hurt her.

That part knew that maybe, just maybe, this was an opportunity to be herself. A woman who wasn’t afraid of moving forward and having fun. For the short term anyway.

Jess straightened her shoulders and ran her hands down her jeans. She wasn’t going to wait for him to knock this time. Her poor heart couldn’t handle it.

It had been a long time since Ryan had felt like he couldn’t settle his nerves. His career depended on it. When he was deployed, he always kept calm, had a confidence and calmness that saw him through any scenario.

So when Jessica walked out onto the porch and gave him a half wave, before turning to lock the door, he was taken by surprise. It felt like someone had placed a steady hand around his throat and squeezed, just for a moment, to make him gasp for the next gulp of air. Made his mind scramble, as if he were incapable of utilizing the rational, functioning part of his brain.

Jessica had to fiddle with the lock and it gave him time to watch her. This girl who’d meant so much to him for so long.

He’d known he would feel close to her, but he hadn’t expected this. He’d thought she would be a normal American girl, just another person in the world. The kind of girl you’d pass in the street and not necessarily notice.

How wrong he’d been.

Her hair was messy, as if she’d spent hours at the beach to put the wind through it and then played with each strand through her fingers. It was tousled and slightly curly, falling below her shoulders. Her skin was golden, as if the sun had just been allowed to skim it, and … He gulped.

Looking any further wasn’t going to help him. The curve of her backside in her denim jeans, the silhouette of her upper half in her summery top.

He swallowed again, hard, when she turned to face him. Jessica was smiling, her full lips pulled back to show off white teeth, eyes slightly downcast as if she was a touch embarrassed.

Any thought of her being “just a friend” fled his mind.

It wasn’t because he’d been away serving. It wasn’t because he hadn’t been around women in a long while.

It was simply Jessica.

She did something to him, scrambled his brain and made his body jump, like he’d never experienced before.

Ryan leaped from the car. He couldn’t have moved faster if it had been on fire. It was like his brain and his body were finally capable of acting as one.

“Hey.”

Jessica’s cheeks were touched with the lightest of pink blushes.

“Hey,” she said back.

He walked forward, wanted to kiss her on the cheek, but felt awkward. They stood, watched one another for a moment, before he stepped back.

Idiot.

“Let me get the door.” Suddenly he was all nerves, more thumbs than fingers as he walked around to the passenger side.

She walked past him and ducked to get into the car. “Thanks.”

He grinned at her, he could feel the goofy smile on his face and was incapable of doing anything to remove it.

Jessica looked up at him, her own face open, expectant.

“Let’s go grab some dinner,” he said.

She nodded at him, before he closed the door.

Ryan walked slowly back around to the driver’s side and tried to pull himself together. He had possibly the most beautiful woman he’d ever met sitting in his car, waiting for him to be charming, expecting the person she’d met on paper, and he could hardly string a sentence together.

Jessica had looked good earlier today, but he hadn’t had the chance to just watch her and drink her in.

He got in the car and pulled on his seat belt.

Ryan could feel her, smell her, sense her beside him. He made himself look over at her and smile. Ignored the insistent thump of his pulse, or his heart near beating from his chest and tried to act relaxed.

“We doing that ‘start over’ thing again?”

He smiled at Jessica’s joking tone.

“We don’t need to start over.” He turned the ignition. “It was just, well, kind of weird meeting after knowing each other on paper for so long. Don’t you think? We both sort of overreacted.”

Jessica sighed. “Thank goodness we’re on the same page.”

He laughed at the same time she did. Their eyes met and they laughed some more. It was as if all the worry had vanished, the knot of uneasiness in his stomach had been untied. Just from hearing her laugh, knowing she felt the same way.

“Excuse the pun,” Jessica managed to say, when they’d stopped laughing.

Ryan resisted the urge to reach for her hand, to make a connection with her. It was so unnatural for him to even think like that, but with Jessica it felt natural.

“We’re going to have a good time tonight.”

She leaned back in her seat, body angled to face him. “I think so, too.”

Ryan chanced a quick glance at his passenger. She was looking out the window now.

He dragged his eyes back to the road.

Maybe coming home was the best thing he’d ever done.

Jessica smiled. She couldn’t have wiped the grin from her face if she wanted to.

This morning, she’d been a bundle of nerves. She hadn’t been much better this afternoon. But seeing Ryan again, being with him, something about it felt so right. They shared an understanding, had a bond that was hard to describe.

And Bella had been right.

She was attracted to him.

It didn’t mean she wanted something to happen between them. But maybe she did have to listen to her friend. She’d been celibate for well over a year now, had pledged not to put her heart in harm’s reach or let someone else suffer because of what she might have to go through in the future.

But if Ryan was only here for a short time, who was she to say no to a romantic fling?

Jessica glanced over at Ryan, watched his strong hands grip the wheel, his jaw strong and angled and freshly shaved.

There was nothing not to like about him.

So if she couldn’t get hurt or hurt him in return, what was the harm in admitting it?