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The Clitical Guide to Female Self-Pleasure
How to Please Yourself So Your Partner Can Too
JENNE DAVIS
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First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2015
Copyright © Jenne Davis 2015
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Ebook Edition © March 2015 ISBN: 9780008140090
Version 2015-03-24
To my amazing daughter and friends, who never allowed me to give up my dreams, or myself. Never stop dreaming or using your imagination because you never know where those crazy dreams might take you…
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
CHAPTER 1: Female Anatomy
CHAPTER 2: Masturbation: A Brief History
CHAPTER 3: Masturbation Myths and Realities
CHAPTER 4: Morals, Guilt, and Salvation
CHAPTER 5: Orgasms: It's About the Journey, Not the Destination
CHAPTER 6: Mind Over Matter
CHAPTER 7: Basic Masturbation Techniques
CHAPTER 8: Anytime, Anywhere!
CHAPTER 9: Advanced Masturbation Techniques
CHAPTER 10: Toys, Lubes, and Other Things You Never Learned About in Sex Ed.
CHAPTER 11: Warnings AKA ‘You Put What Where?’
CHAPTER 12: Masturbation and Relationships
CHAPTER 13: The Bottom Line
CHAPTER 14: Real Masturbation Technique as Told by Clitical.com Visitors
Resources
Jenne Davis
About HarperImpulse
About the Publisher
Introduction
Female masturbation, self-love, self-pleasure – call it what you will. For most women masturbation is often their first exploration into the wonderful, but sometimes seemingly daunting world of sexuality. Personally, I can't think of a better place to start than by having sex with yourself – can you?
Like many women, my first hurdle, when it came to masturbation, was learning it was okay to touch myself. I recall reasoning that it was my own body and belonged to no one except myself. That said, I went through the pangs of wondering if I would be condemned for practising, well, you know, 'that' kind of touching. That word, which was rarely, if ever, uttered in my, and, I suspect, most homes across the world. Yes, that word! Masturbation!
I grew up in a time when masturbation was rarely mentioned in the media and was definitely something that you never told anyone you had tried. Even your closest friend, for the most part, was off limits, because they might just tell someone else. I recall the stress of keeping that secret so well – and I'm about to approach fifty this year. The truth was, like many teens, once I discovered that touching my private parts made me feel deliciously good, it was as though I never wanted to stop. I devised secret ways to touch myself. I spent countless hours in my bedroom, just discovering the pleasure that my own body was capable of producing and yet that pleasure would often be tinged with guilt. Guilt that somehow what I was doing was, in fact, inherently wrong, but no one ever really took the time to tell me why it was so wrong. After all, it wasn't as if anyone ever took me aside and said, ‘If you touch yourself you are going to hell’, but still, I felt that guilt.
In some ways I wish that guilt had never existed and, to be honest, I hope that this book will help you put that guilt aside so you can simply enjoy what is, after all, a safe and wonderful teaching aid when it comes to sexuality: masturbation.
Society, for the most part, has come to realize, that self-love is probably the safest form of sexual expression there is. It's also a wonderful learning tool and by learning what turns us on, and in some cases turn us off, we are not only better individuals but we, as females, make in many cases much better partners and lovers.
I don't consider myself an expert when it comes to the art of self-pleasure, and I don't aspire to be. I can tell you I am a life-long masturbator and glad to be able to call myself that, hoping to be able to practice until I am well into my old, old age.
Over the years, I have come to think of masturbation as an ever-evolving form of sexuality, and there is no one technique that is guaranteed to bring you the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the infamous orgasm. I'm not sure how I managed to achieve my first orgasm at the age of 15. I was just playing around with my new-found toy (my body) and it happened, but once it had happened, I wanted it to happen again and again. Maybe if I had known what I had experienced back then it might have helped. It might also have helped had I thought about taking note of what I was touching, when and where, but that has always been the most wonderful part of the entire masturbation experience for me: not quite knowing why, when, or where the next orgasm was going to come. The mechanism that caused me to orgasm was just part of the bigger picture and I developed something of a lust for the answer to the question why. Why does this feel so good? Then came the how, as in how can I make this feel even better, followed by the when and where would be the best time to do this, in order to make it better? Could it even get any better?
So I set off on a quest, which at that time seemed to be of epic proportions, to find the answer to those questions. That was when I discovered that this was to be no easy task. No one talked about masturbation back then – it was a dark secret, a sin to be hidden away at all costs, because even though you could talk about what you did with your partner/boyfriend last Saturday night, talking about what you did to yourself, amongst even your closest girlfriends, was akin to admitting you were less of a person because you didn't have, or couldn't get, a boyfriend. In other words, you were the biggest loser on the block. Sex with yourself must be second-rate sex, after all, which to me, never did make any sense. But it was, and still is in many cases to this day, the accepted norm when we talk about solo sex.
Back then there was no Internet, no real sex-toy boutiques, or at least not the type that most women would ever be seen outside, let alone leaving, lest you were spied by the local neighborhood noses, or, worse still, your so-called friends. Like many women of the time, I got my sexual information from the copies of the Penthouse that my dad had stashed beneath the clothes in his closet. Sex education at schools was basic, to say the least, and the only thing I really learned from those lessons was that sex was embarrassing and something to be made fun of. I never felt that way about solo or partnered sex, though. How could something that made me feel this good be so bad, after all?
With the advent of the Internet and the fact that I could communicate with the entire universe and beyond, it became easier to learn about sex, yet somehow it always felt as though solo sex was partnered sex's ugly sister. You know – that one member of the family who is always at weddings and funerals but sits in the corner because no one from the family really wants them there. I began to question how this could be so. How on earth could that be wrong when you are simply loving yourself? At the same time, women were being taught that we could do, or have, anything we wanted. We had the right to demand orgasms from our partners, it was our birthright and if they couldn't give us one as prescribed by the pages of Cosmopolitan, then he didn't deserve us.
As my quest for answers continued, I became almost more confused. Why was partnered sex the hallowed ground? Was there no place in sexuality for solo sex other than as the ugly sister? I'd always had that strange tinge of guilt that came after an often mammoth session of self-loving, but, darn, if it felt this good how on earth could it be bad?
Anyway, I discovered the Internet, but more than that, I discovered erotic writing. I found a way to channel my own guilt at enjoying sex, and especially solo sex, so much, into my characters. As I wrote more and posted them onto the Net I began to form the idea of a website: a site where women could feel safe asking questions about sex, love, and everything in between, and so could their partners. In the year 2000, thanks to a partnership with Art, the wonderful webmaster over at EroticStories.com, that dream became a reality. As so often happens in life, my love of solo sex and my search for answers to my quest became something that was ever more prominent on our new website: Clitical.com
Over the years Clitical has become a labor of love, some might say a labor of self- love. As time went by, I realized that self-love encompasses so much more than a simple technique. It's way more than just a means to an end. Self-pleasure is about learning to love your sexual self. It's a safe form of sexual expression, with a few exceptions, and it can take your partnered sex to a whole new level if you open your mind.
As Clitical has grown it has seen many redesigns, but the core of the site remains the same: a place where women can learn about sex, especially self-love, not just from me, but from their peers. Over the years we have amassed a huge collection of female visitors’ masturbation techniques, fantasies, and a whole lot more besides. I've been asked all manner of questions, sexual and otherwise. I've met some of the coolest people on the planet, and all thanks to a quest to answer the question of why self- pleasure is the ugly sister of partnered sex. I've discovered the many facets that make up human sexuality, that no two individuals are alike, and that there is no right or wrong way to pleasure yourself or a partner, only the way that works for you. That journey of discovery is ultimately what this book is about. As you take that journey yourself, I hope that you will find this book will help you discover what works for you and sometimes what doesn't, helps you feel less afraid to try something new, to just jump in and discover, because of all the things I've learned, the most important one is: you have to live in your moment, this moment, the one that is happening right now.
CHAPTER 1
Female Anatomy
Love Thyself
Getting to know your own anatomy is the basic foundation for all sexual encounters, whether solo or partnered. Until you are comfortable within your own skin, touching your own skin and seeing it as not just part of your body but as a part of your sexual self, it's unlikely that you will be comfortable sexually.
Most of us think of the sexual parts of our body as being our breasts, vulvas, and vaginas. Occasionally we throw in our butts, for good measure, but our entire body has the potential to offer us sexual pleasure if we know how to tap into the secrets that it holds. This chapter is designed to help you see that sexually you are much more than those three, or possibly four, body parts, depending on how you look at it.
Let's Get One Thing Straight!
Before we go any further, though, let's get one thing straight from the get-go…
Vulvas are not vaginas. Despite the fact that they both begin with the letter V and are part of one another and, more importantly, part of you, they perform very different functions when it comes to sex. Vaginas are the inner part of the vulva, which is the outside part of your female sexual anatomy. Yet so many of us don't know that simple difference – and I'm not just referring to the male species here – women are equally guilty when they talk about their vulvas and refer to them as their vaginas.
If you enjoy clitoral pleasure, and, yes, we will get to discussing your clitoris in the next chapter, then you are touching your vulva. If you enjoy penetrative sex, then you are using your vagina. There is a difference and it is important to understand the difference; learning to use the correct term is a great way to show others that you understand your own body as well.
Are You Sitting Comfortably?
The other reason why many of us feel uncomfortable when it comes to masturbation is that we are often taught that our vulvas are something that should always be hidden, which is admittedly not helped by the fact that they are securely nestled between our upper thighs, and are, in fact, well, hidden. Cotton knickers or panties are placed there and we are told only to make sure that we wear clean panties each day. I clearly recall my own mother declaring that this was in case I was ever in a car accident. Looking back, that was a silly statement, but at the time I took her warning seriously as I'm sure many other little girls did and still do.
I tried to recall an instance where I was actually told not to ever show my hidden or private parts to a boy, and I really can't. It was just something that you never did – if you were a good girl. When you sat down and were wearing a skirt, the norm was to ensure that no part of your privates was exposed to the stare of a guy. Again, no specific instructions may have ever been given; it was something you simply learned unconsciously. After all, they were your ‘private’ parts. Now, I'm not suggesting that you go around wearing no panties or show your vulva to the next guy that walks into your office or workplace. I'm just trying to illustrate where we may have learned the idea that our vulvas are for our lovers’ eyes only and until then shall remain private at all costs.
A Fish by Any Other Name
Another reason that you may feel discomfort when talking about, or looking at, your own genitals is that rarely are our genitals referred to by their correct names. Instead they are referred to as ‘private parts’, or worst still, ‘fish’, ‘star fish’, ‘love taco’, ‘meat curtains’, ‘twat’, or some other equally demeaning name. None of which helps us to get comfortable with them in any way, shape, or form. Many of these names came from an era when talking about sex was frowned upon. It could be said that this is still true, but things are getting better and by learning the correct terms to use when it comes to your own anatomy, you are part of the solution, not part of the problem, so to speak.
More than the Sum of Four
Many women only think of sex in terms of our breasts, buttocks, and, of course, our vulvas as being the sexual part of our beings and that is something of a shame. As we will see in the next chapter, the biggest sexual organ we have is, in fact, our brain, but when we turn our mental thoughts into physical actions amazing things can happen and our entire bodies can become our very own playgrounds of pleasure.
So, let’s start by taking a look at our anatomy from top to bottom – so to speak! For the exercises I've included in this chapter you might find that a hand-held mirror will come in handy, so now would be the perfect time to find one.
Skin
Your skin is, in fact, the largest organ in your body and it contains at least five types of receptors that respond to both pain and touch. An average adult's skin spans 21 square feet, weighs nine pounds, and contains more than 11 miles of blood vessels. Your skin releases as much as three gallons of sweat a day in hot weather. There are a couple of areas that don't sweat and these are the beds of your nails, the margins of your lips, the tip of the penis (if you have one), and your eardrums. Who knew, right?
We tend to take the fact that we have skin as it's, well, just always been there. If you take a minute to look at your skin in a slightly different light you will realize what an important part it can play when it comes to both solo and partnered sex.
Exercise:
In blind people, the brain's visual cortex is rewired to respond to stimuli received via touch and hearing. This allows the blind person to actually ‘see’ the world through touch and sound. If you don't believe me, try this simple experiment and 'see' the world and your skin in a different light.
Begin by either turning the lights off or simply placing a blindfold over your eyes, making sure you really can't peek out. Now take some time exploring your own skin. Notice the touches you make. What do you see? By applying more or less pressure you can experiment with the results of one study that revealed that the Meissner corpuscles – touch receptors that are concentrated in the fingertips and palms, lips and tongue, nipples, penis and clitoris – respond to a pressure of just 20 milligrams, or the weight of a fly. Science is amazing, isn't it?
Hair
As silly as it might sound, your hair is an important part of your identity and though we rarely think of it as being sexy, nothing could be further from the truth. We tend to think of hair and sex in terms of partnered sex, but it doesn't have to be that way. Try this simple exercise to see what I mean:
Experiment:
Take a small clump of hair and run your fingers through it, over it, and even give it a gentle tug. Now do this with your eyes closed and see if the feelings it produces change. I'm willing to bet that it will. The chances are it became much more sexual when you closed your eyes than when they were open.
Ears
We rarely think of our ears in terms of sexuality, but the truth is your ears can be a huge part of your solo sex repertoire if only you would let them. Some women can get turned on simply by touching their own ears, but this is not true in all cases. However, it's worth trying, as they say – nothing ventured nothing gained – and the outcome might surprise you. Of course, the thing we generally use our ears for is to hear what is around us. The things that surround us can often be surprisingly sexual, if only we listen to them.
Exercise:
If you watch porn, start by finding your favorite scene. Now watch it without the sound. Now watch it again with the sound on and your eyes closed. Notice the differences between the experiences. You could also try investing in an audio erotic book and listen to it with your eyes shut (unless, of course, you happen to be driving at the time of listening.)
Lips
Our lips are packed with nerve ending that send many signals to our brains – some sexual and others not. It's not easy to kiss yourself, but it's not impossible, if you think about it. You can kiss your own hand – you can even kiss your own breasts if the mood so takes you. After all, it's your body and you are free to explore it any way you like.
Exercise:
Try simply running your tongue over your lips: slowly, now very slowly. Notice the way your body reacts as you do this. Does it turn you on or have no effect? Everyone has different reactions to everything and especially to the way you touch it.
Tongue
We are what we eat, as they say, and eating something can be a very sexy experience. Our tongues are packed with taste buds that allow us to feel and interrupt the sensations caused by sweetness, bitterness, saltiness, sourness, and umami. Different tastes can, in fact, cause our bodies to react in sexual ways. I'm sure you are familiar with the saying ‘sex is better than chocolate’, but are all too aware that there are times when the opposite is true. By discovering which tastes you enjoy when you are solo it is possible to turn what you eat into a sexual experience.
Exercise:
Try eating some ice cream. Pick a flavor that you know you enjoy, or if you are feeling a little more adventurous, pick one that you have never tried. Now settle down and use a spoon – feed yourself that ice cream, slowly…very slowly. Concentrate on the sensations that the taste produces within you. You are likely to react to the coolness of the ice cream at first, but now try licking the ice cream from the back of the spoon. Again, move slowly and deliberately. It may help if you close your eyes as you concentrate solely on the sensations. I've had some great solo ice-cream escapades over the years. It's all about changing your perception of what you are doing. You're not just eating, you're tasting, enjoying, and – most of all – feeling.
Neck
There are times when I swear my neck is in some way directly connected to my vulva and clitoris. Whether I'm simply touching it gently with my hand or my partner is with their lips or hand, I can't help but get a little moister between my thighs and my thoughts turn to sex. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has this connection, and you can find out whether your neck reacts the same way as mine does by trying this simple but effective exercise.
Exercise:
Try running your fingertips across the nape of your neck. Vary the pressure you use as you explore this often-neglected part of your body. You can try experimenting by using various objects such as silk scarves, feathers, and anything else you have at hand – to see the effects the sensations have on you. They might just surprise you!
Shoulders and Arms
Both of these items are rarely thought of as sexy, but they should never be discounted as such when it comes to solo sex.
Exercise:
Try touching your shoulder and arms with either your opposite hand or a variety of objects. These objects can run the gamut from silk scarves to pieces of wood. Try varying the force or pressure that you apply to these areas and spend some time noticing how your body reacts to them.
Hands
If there is one area of your body that you might want to start thinking of in terms of a sexual tool, it would likely be your hands. Yes, you read that right! Take a second to think this through if this fact is throwing you off. Your hands touch, your hands feel, your hands are amazing. Even if you choose to use a sexual toy or tool, you will likely have to hold it with, well, your hand – or hands. Hopefully you are starting to see what I mean, here. The great thing about your hands is that they cost nothing, are always – ermmm – handy, and have the ability to bring you lots of sexual pleasure, if you would only let them.
Exercise:
We tend to think of sexual touch in terms of fingertips, when we can, and probably should, be using the entire surface of our hands. You can apply this logic to any of the exercises and techniques that are included in this book. If a technique calls for you to use your fingertips, there are no rules to say you can't try the same thing with the palm of your hands, be it a movement or applying pressure.
Breasts
For most women, and, let’s face it, men, breasts are something that hold a special place in their hearts when it comes to sex. Breasts are made up of mostly fatty and connective tissue. Just like most other body parts, breasts come in many different sizes, shapes, and colors. They can be the same size and shape, but oftentimes one breast may look a little different than the other. The breasts and nipples may enlarge in the days prior to a woman’s period and may grow extra sensitive during this time – as well as during (and after) pregnancy.
In other words, breasts are somewhat complicated and then you can add in the fact that according to one study around 50 per cent of women enjoy breast stimulation, whilst the others simply tolerate it to please a partner. The good news here is we are talking about solo sex and there is no one else to please but you! According to studies conducted by Masters and Johnson and the Kinsey Institute, a small percentage of women can actually have an orgasm from breast stimulation alone. Interestingly enough, in a Kinsey Institute experiment on 8,000 women, only 11 per cent said they stimulated their own breasts during masturbation. I say that it's time we changed that percentage and I wish more women would explore their breasts as well as the rest of their bodies during a masturbation session.
Exercise:
Start out by touching your breasts using long, circular strokes, starting at the bottom of your breasts. Slowly graze your skin with your fingers as you circle the outer perimeter of your breasts. With each revolution of your breast, move just a little closer to the center of your breast, spiraling inward ever so slightly. For every two movements closer to your breasts, take one small movement outward. Continue with slow, spiraling strokes toward your nipples. As you near the nipple with one hand, stop and begin the same process with your other one. Take your time touching your breasts – make this whole process take at least 10 to15 minutes. When you do finally get to your nipple, you may well find yourself in ecstasy.
Nipples
Did you know that it's possible for a woman to achieve orgasm solely through nipple play? It's true! This doesn't happen for every woman, but certain women can have genital orgasms that are caused by intense nipple stimulation. About one in 18 people are born with a third nipple and during the Middle Ages if you did have a third nipple you would have been branded a witch, which would likely have meant you would have been burned at the stake. Fortunately we live in the 21st century and those days are done. That said, many people still have many misconceptions about their nipples, so let's try to put them to rest, shall we?
In case you aren't aware, the circular pigmented area around your nipple is called the ‘aureola’. They range in color from pale yellow to almost black, and are always darker than the skin that makes up the breast. This is so it's easier for a baby to locate them. Generally the older you are the bigger your aureolas will be. Hairs do not grow on your actual nipple, preferring to grow on your aureola, and are not bad. Whilst an erect nipple can be a sign that you are feeling sexually aroused there are other reasons they may become erect, including the fact that it's darn cold.
Exercise:
Lube the tips of the thumb and index finger of your dominant hand. If you don't have any lube handy, you can simply lick your fingers to moisten them before beginning. Now place your fingers directly across from each other on opposite ends of the outer aureola. Start at the outer part of the aureola and move your finger and thumb toward each other. As they reach the nipple, roll the nipple in a twirling motion between your fingertip and the tip of your thumb. Now, repeat the technique, starting at a different spot on the outside of the aureola. This will tease the nipple by creating anticipation and desire. Where you take things from here is, well, in your own hands.
Stomach or Belly
In men, this area is often referred to as the ‘treasure trail’, and this is the way I like to think of it when it comes to solo sex. Some women will find that when they are sexually aroused their stomach, or belly, area becomes too sensitive to touch, whilst others enjoy exploring this area and view it as foreplay before they reach the promised land of their mons, or the top of their vulva.
Exercise:
Spend some time playing with your belly once you are sexually aroused. Does it feel good as you allow your hand to travel downward toward your mons or does it have the opposite effect? Try varying the pressure, direction, and width of your touch and see if that makes a difference.
The Mons Veneris
Your Mons Veneris is located below your abdomen or belly, but above your vulva. It's the area of fatty tissue that covers your pubic bone and is designed to cushion/protect your pubic bone from the impact of intercourse. You might find it to be very sensitive when you are aroused, but this is not always the case. In its natural state it is covered by pubic hair, which is believed to trap the natural aroma of your vagina. Of course, if you've shaved it, this area will be clear of pubic hair.
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