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CHAPTER XVI
GOVERNMENTS OF THE GLOBE

The best definition of Government may be found in Wordsworth’s lines:

 
“The simple plan
That they should take who have the power
And they should keep who can.”
 

In every community on Earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspire to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth.

Government by the Strongest is called an Absolute Monarchy.

Government by the Craftiest, a Limited Monarchy.

Government by the Wealthiest, a Republic.

In an Absolute Monarchy, the People are Controlled.

In a Limited Monarchy, they are Cajoled.

In a Republic, they are Sold.

For the successful operation of Limited Monarchies and Republics, it is necessary to delude the Common People into the belief that they are managing their own affairs.

This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, Etc.

These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel-cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression.

QUESTIONS

Q. What is a Constitution?

A. A concession to Liberty enabling her to talk herself to death.

Q. What is the essential difference between one government and another?

A. The price of life.

CHAPTER XVII
THE MORALS OF THE GIDDY GLOBE

According to Moses, the First Geographer, Immorality is an heirloom handed down to us by our First Parents.

Men of Science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psycho-neurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism.

In other words, Vice is nothing more than Virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude.

This is clearly set forth in the accompanying Moral Map of the World in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of Mankind which we are wont to differentiate as Virtues or Vices are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment.

(See Moral Map of the World.)

PART II
THE COUNTRIES OF THE EARTH

The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.

The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe.

The rest are just Foreign Countries.

CHAPTER XVIII
THE POLES

The Earth has three kinds of Poles, the Frigid Poles in the North and South and the very hot Poles in the centre of Europe.

This chapter is about the North Pole.

The North Pole is the Geographical interrogation point of the Earth.

It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the World.

Scientists declare it to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving colour to the popular notion that Eden was the original Roof Garden.

The only language that has ever been spoken at the North Pole is English.

The language that Lieutenant Peary used when he found the footprint of Doctor Cook on the Pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the next discoverer, when he finds (or does not find) the footprint of Lieutenant Peary, will probably be English too.

Whatever use may be ultimately found for the North Pole, up to the present time it has only been used for advertising purposes.

The frozen tracts that surround it bear the names of Adventurers, Princes and Editors, and the very topmost tip, out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician, has been called the Magnetic Pole.

So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the North Pole are shared by the South Pole, but for some reason the South Pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium.

CHAPTER XIX
AMERICA

Let us see America first.

On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere America is as easy to see as the Decorations on the breast of a Rear Admiral of a Dry Dock.

One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long!

But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere as it appeared about a thousand years ago, when Lief Ericsen discovered New England, you will understand that discovering America in those days was no child’s play.

Nevertheless, Lief, the son of Eric, did not think much of his find.

How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!

After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.

No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.

And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.

America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years.

Then Christopher Columbus took a hand, but though he made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his Impressions of America.

A new path in Navigation, just as in Art or Literature, once shown, is easy to follow, and seven years later an Italian plagiarist named Amerigo discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name.

By this time, as the accompanying map will show, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of Amerigo.

And still they come – and though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent they never fail to copyright their impressions of America.

CHAPTER XX
BOSTON

In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620 when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts a cargo of Heirlooms, Boston Terriers, Beans and Ancestors.

Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture and Pedigrees (Human and canine).

BOSTON is a centre of Gravity completely surrounded by Newtons.

BOSTON is also the centre of the Universe.

The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as

 
“The home of the Bean and the Cod
Where Lowells speak only to Cabots
And Cabots speak only to God.”
 

Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous but by a later poet named Ibid, but what does a poet’s name matter except to his creditors?

Boston is famous for its historic associations and landmarks which well repay a visit.

Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveller thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian.

CHAPTER XXI
THE UNITED STATES

The United States is a large body of laughter-loving people completely surrounded by Trusts.

It is the richest country in the world. Nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the Cows so friendly, the Hens so industrious.

When the American Hens die they go to join their unhatched children in a cold-storage Heaven where they live forever.

So too the Cows, so too the Fish, if there is room for them; if not they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price.

To add to the merriment of the People, the Sovereign Farmers and Financiers passed an amendment to the Constitution and Holy Writ (See I. Timothy V. 23.) abolishing Temperance, the sin of resisting temptation.

At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grape vines have been destroyed, and, if these great and good men fulfil their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious Tobac —⁶

Well, to return to the United States. The United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian Club Whisky, on the south by Mexican Pulque, and on the East and West by Salt Water. The Population consists of one hundred million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans.

Religious to a fault, and ambidexterously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs of reverting to the condition of the Arboreal Anthropoids.

A race of Straphangers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitations in great flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirling motion.

The Original inhabitants were Red Indians; these were supplanted by Pale Pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians.

The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the Pilgrim Fathers and Pilgrim Mothers, but the Pilgrim Daughters made a note of the fashions for future use.

The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating; travellers have even been known to compare the air to champagne but, though highly exhilarating it is absolutely non-intoxicating.

Prohibition Chemists after a careful analysis having discovered no perceptible trace of Alcohol, The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the use of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted.

In large cities the sky is kept clean by means of tall Sky-Scrapers. Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky.

Another object of interest in the harbour is the statue of a once popular favourite.

People who remember her, say it is far from a flattering likeness.

The Capitol of the United States is Washington – named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.

New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.

The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.