Читать книгу: «The Lame Lover», страница 4

Enter Sir Luke

Sir LUKE

Hey day! what the deuce is the matter? what's the meaning of all this, Mrs. Betty?

BETTY

Oh! Sir, is it you – my poor lady! [cries] clap the bottle hard to her nose.

Sir LUKE

But how came it about?

BETTY

Some of the continents of that curs'd letter, she has there in her hand.

Sir LUKE

Here, here, take some of my eau de luce. [offering a bottle.]

BETTY

There! she recovers a little – some water – I believe it is nothing but a satirical fit, I have had them myself – now she opens her eyes – so, so – bend her forward a little.

Sir LUKE

My sweet Mrs. Circuit.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Who is that?

BETTY

Nobody at all madam, but only Sir Luke.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! Sir Luke, such a stroke, so fatal, so sudden, it is not in nature I should ever survive it.

Sir LUKE

Marry heaven forbid! but what cause – what could —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Leave the room. [To the servants, who go out.] Only, look over that letter.

Sir LUKE

Hum, hum, – [reads] "fit to reject you – this – "

Mrs. CIRCUIT

There! there! there!

Sir LUKE

I own this is the utmost malice of fortune – but let me finish the letter. – "This calamity, dear Circuit, is of such a nature as baffles all advice, or interposition of friends, I shall therefore leave you to time, and your own good understanding." [pretty and sensible.] – "yours," &c. – But let us see, what says the postscript – [reads.] "Perhaps it may give you some comfort to know that you had sixteen almonds, and but two raisins against you."

Mrs. CIRCUIT

But two!

Sir LUKE

No more.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

This must be Kitty Cribbage's doing, she has been tattling about the paltry trifle I owe her.

Sir LUKE

Not unlikely: but come, bear up, my dear madam, and consider that two—

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Is as bad as two thousand.

Sir LUKE

Granted; but perhaps it mayn't be too late to repair. – Gadso! I have thought of a scheme – I'll be elected myself, and then I warrant we manage —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You, Sir Luke? that never can be.

Sir LUKE

No, Madam, and why not? – why you don't suppose that they wou'd venture to —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

It would not only be against the spirit, but the very letter of their constitution to chuse you a member.

Sir LUKE

Ay, Madam, how so?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Their statutes are selected from all the codes that ever existed from the days of Lycurgus to the present Czarina.

Sir LUKE

Well.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The law that relates to your case they have borrow'd from the Roman religion.

Sir LUKE

As how?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

As no man can be admitted a monk, who has the least corporal spot, or defect; so, no candidate can be receiv'd as a member who is depriv'd of the use of any one of his limbs.

Sir LUKE

Nay, then indeed I am clearly cut out; that incapacity can never be got over.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Indeed, the Serjeant says, if the club could be induc'd to resolve in your favour, then the original law would signify nothing.

Sir LUKE

Well, well, we'll see what can be done. [A loud knocking.] But hush! the company's come; collect yourself, sweet Mrs. Circuit; don't give your enemies the malicious pleasure of seeing how this disappointment affects you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Never fear; I know a little too much of the world not to turn this defeat to my credit.

Enter Colonel Secret and Mrs. Simper

Mrs. SIMPER

Your servant, Sir Luke; my dear Circuit, I am frighten'd to death – your people tell me, you are but just recover'd from a —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! nothing at all! a faintness, a kind of swimming – but those people are ever swelling that mole hills to mountains.

Mrs. SIMPER

I protest I was afraid that you had suffer'd your late disappointment to lay hold of your spirits.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

What disappointment, my dear?

COLONEL

Mrs. Simper hints at the little mistake made this morning at the Thatch'd House.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

That! ridiculous! I could have told you that a fortnight ago, child – all my own doing.

Mrs. SIMPER

How!

Sir LUKE

Entirely.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! I always detested the thoughts of the thing; – they would put me up, let me say what I would, so I was reduc'd to the necessity of prevailing upon two of my friends to black ball me.

Mrs. SIMPER

That, indeed, alters the case.

COLONEL

I am vastly happy to hear it: your old acquaintance were afraid they should lose you.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

It is a sign they know but little of me – but come, my good folks, I have prepared a small collation in the next room, will you —

[Exeunt.

Enter Jack and Woodford

JACK

I'll watch sister, to see that nobody comes; now Woodford make good use of your time. [Exit Woodford.] There, I have left 'em together; if I had staid, I don't believe they would have open'd their mouths for a month: I never saw such an alteration in a lad since the day I was born. – Why, if I had not known him before, I should not have thought he had a word to throw to a dog; but I remember the old proverb:

 
True lovers are shy,
When people are by.
 

I'll take a peep to see how they go on: – there they are, just in the same posture I left them; she folding her fingers, and he twirling his hat; why they don't even look at each other: was there ever such a couple of – stay, stay, now he opens his mouth – pshaw! – lord! there he shuts it again – hush! I hear somebody coming – no – nothing at all: – mother is safe I am sure, – there is no danger from her – now let us take t'other – [peeps at the door.] hum! – gadso, matters are mightily mended – there! there! very well – there he lays down the law – now he claps his hand on his heart – vastly pretty, I vow – there he swops with both his knees on the ground – charming! – and squeezes his hat with both hands, like one of the actors – delightful! she wants him to rise, and he won't – prodigious moving indeed!

Enter Betty

BETTY

So Sir, what are you doing there?

JACK

There! where?

BETTY

With your eyes glew'd close to the keyhole.

JACK

I wanted to speak a word to my sister.

BETTY

Then why don't you open her door?

JACK

I did not know but she might be saying her prayers.

BETTY

Prayers! a likely story! Who says their prayers, at this time of the day? – No, no, that won't pass upon me. – Let me look – very pretty! So, so, I see there's somebody else at his prayers too – fine doings! – As soon as the company goes, I shall take care to inform Madam your mother.

JACK

Nay, but Mrs. Betty you won't be so —

BETTY

Indeed. Mr. John, but I shall – I'll swallow none of your secrets, believe me.

JACK

What, perhaps your stomach is overloaded already.

BETTY

No matter for that, I shall be even with Miss for telling Master about and concerning my drums.

JACK

Why, Mrs. Betty, surely sister could not —

BETTY

When she very well knows that I have not sent cards but twice the whole season.

JACK

Lord! what signi —

BETTY

What would she say, if she visited the great families I do? For tho' I am as I may say but a commoner, no private gentlewoman's gentlewoman, has a more prettier set of acquaintance.

JACK

Well but —

BETTY

My routs indeed! – There is Mrs. Allspice, who lives with lady Cicily Sequence, has six tables every Sunday, besides looers, and braggers; and moreover proposes giving a masquerade, the beginning of June, and I intends being there.

JACK

Well, but to talk calmly.

BETTY

And as Miss is so fond of fetching and carrying, you may tell her we are to have a private play among ourselves, as the quality have: the Distrustful Mother, 'tis call'd – Pylades, by Mr. Thomas, Lord Catastrophe's butler – Hermione, Mrs. Allspice; and I shall do Andromache myself.

JACK

A play! lord, Mrs. Betty, will you give me a ticket?

BETTY

All's one for that – and so you may tell Miss that – [bell rings] coming, Madam, this minute – and that, Mr. John, is the long and the short on't. [Bell rings again.] Lord, I am coming —

[Exit.

Enter Woodford to Jack

WOODFORD

What's the matter?

JACK

Here, Betty, my mother's fac totum, has just discover'd your haunts; and is gone to lay an information against you – so depend upon it, a search warrant will issue directly.

WOODFORD

Stay but a moment, till I take leave of your sister.

JACK

Zooks! I tell you the constables will be here in a trice, so you have not a moment to lose.

WOODFORD

How unlucky this is!

JACK

But I hope you have obtain'd a verdict however.

WOODFORD

No.

JACK

No!

WOODFORD

It would not have been decent, to have press'd the judge too soon for a sentence.

JACK

Soon! – You are a ninny, I tell you so: – here you will suffer judgment to go by default. – You are a pretty practitioner indeed!

WOODFORD

This, you may know, my dear Jack, is an equity case; I have but just fil'd my bill; one must give the parties time to put in an answer.

JACK

Time! – How you may come off in court I can't tell, but you will turn out but a poor chamber counsel I fear. – Well, come along, perhaps I may be able to procure another hearing before it is – but lord o'mercy! there is father crossing the hall – should he see us all's over – we have nothing for't but taking shelter with sister.

[Exeunt.

ACT III

Sir Luke Limp, Mrs. Circuit, Colonel Secret, and Mrs. Simper, discover'd at a table, with a collation before them.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Oh! by the bye, Sir Luke – take some of these sweetmeats, my dear [to Mrs. Simper] – did not you promise to introduce to me that little agreeable piece of imperfection that belongs to the opera? – Colonel, won't you taste the champaign?

Sir LUKE

Who, Signior Piano? – Let me assist Mrs. Simper. – Why, Madam, I made an attempt; but at present – shan't I send you a biscuit? – he is in the possession of a certain lady, who never suffers him out of her sight for a moment.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh! the curmudgeon! – I am vastly fond of these custards.

Sir LUKE

Yes, they have a delicate flavour – but he promis'd, if possible, to escape for an hour – won't you? [to Mrs. Circuit.]

Mrs. CIRCUIT

No, it gives me the heart-burn. – Then let us leave him a cover.

COLONEL

By all means in the world.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

But there is, likewise, another party, for whom a place ought to be kept.

Mrs. SIMPER

Another! Who can that be I wonder?

Mrs. CIRCUIT

A small appendix of mine.

Sir LUKE

How, Madam!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You need not be jealous, Sir Luke – taste that tart Mrs. Simper – it is only my husband the Serjeant. – Ha! ha! ha! – Betty makes them herself.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh! you abominable creature! How could such a thought come into your head?

Sir LUKE

Ma'am – [Offering sweetmeats to Mrs. Simper.]

Mrs. SIMPER

Not a bit more, I thank you. – I swear and vow I mould swoon at the sight.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

And I should receive him with the polite indifference of an absolute stranger.

Sir LUKE

Well said, my good Lady Intrepid! But, notwithstanding, I would venture a trifle that his appearance would give you such an electrical shock —

Mrs. CIRCUIT

You are vastly deceiv'd.

Sir LUKE

Dare you come to the proof? Will you give me leave to introduce Mr. Serjeant? He is not far off.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

What, my husband?

Sir LUKE

Even he! I saw him as I enter'd the hall.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Impossible!

Sir LUKE

Nay, then I must fetch him. [Exit Sir Luke.

COLONEL

I can't conceive what the knight wou'd be at.

Mrs. SIMPER

Why he is mad.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Or turn'd fool.

Enter Sir Luke, with the Serjeant's peruke on a block

Sir LUKE

Now, Madam, have I reason? Is this your husband or not?

Mrs. SIMPER

It is he; not the least doubt can be made.

COLONEL

Yes, yes, it is the Serjeant himself.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I own it; I acknowledge the lord of my wishes. [Kisses the block.]

Mrs. SIMPER

All his features are there!

COLONEL

The grave cast of his countenance!

Sir LUKE

The vacant stare of his eye!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The livid hue of his lips!

Mrs. SIMPER

The rubies with which his cheeks are enrich'd!

COLONEL

The silent solemnity when he sits on the bench!

Mrs. CIRCUIT

We must have him at table; but pray good folks let my husband appear like himself. – I'll run for the gown.

[Exit.

Mrs. SIMPER

By all means in the world.

Sir LUKE

Dispatch, I beseech you.

Mrs. Circuit returns with a gown and band

Mrs. CIRCUIT

Sir Luke, lend your assistance.

COLONEL

There, place him at the head of the table.

[They fix the head at the back of a chair, and place it at table; then all sit.

Mrs. SIMPER

Madam, you'll take care of your husband.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

I don't want to be put in mind of my duty.

Mrs. SIMPER

Oh, Madam! I know that very well.

Sir LUKE

Come, Hob or Nob, Master Circuit – let us try if we can't fuddle the Serjeant.

COLONEL

O! fye! have a proper respect for the coif.

Mrs. SIMPER

Don't be too facetious, Sir Luke: it is not quite so safe to sport with the heads of the law; you don't know how soon you may have a little business together.

Sir LUKE

But come, the Serjeant is sulky. – I have thought of a way to divert him: – You know he is never so happy as when he is hearing a cause; suppose we were to plead one before him; Mrs. Circuit and I to be counsel, the colonel the clerk, and Mrs. Simper the cryer.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

The finest thought in the world! And stay, to conduct the trial with proper solemnity, let's rummage his wardrobe; we shall there be able to equip ourselves with suitable dresses.

Sir LUKE

Alons, alons!

Mrs. SIMPER

There is no time to be lost.

[All rise.

Mrs. CIRCUIT

[Stopping short as they are going out.] But won't my husband be angry, if we leave him alone? Bye, dearee – we shall soon return to thee again.

[Exeunt.

Enter Serj. Circuit, not perceiving the collation

SERJEANT

So, my lord not being able to sit, there was no occasion for me. – I can't put that girl's nonsense out of my head – My wife is young to be sure, and loves pleasure I own; but as to the main article, I have not the least ground to suspect her in that – No, no! – And then Sir Luke! my prosien ami, the dearest friend I have in the – Heyday! [seeing the collation] What the deuce have we here? – A collation! – So, so – I see madam knows how to divert herself during my absence. – What's this? [seeing the block] Oh, ho! ha! ha! ha! – Well, that's pretty enough I protest. – Poor girl, I see she could not be happy without having something at table that resembled me. – How pleas'd she will be to find me here in propriâ personâ. – By your leave, Mrs. Circuit – [sits down and eats] Delicate eating, in troth – and the wine [drinks] – Champaign as I live – must have t'other glass – They little think how that gentleman there regales himself in their absence – Ha! ha! ha! – quite convenient, I vow – the heat of the weather has made me – Come, brother Coif, here's your health – [drinks] – I must pledge myself I believe – [drinks again] – devilish strong – pshut! – Somebody's coming – [gets up and goes towards the wings] – What do I see? Four lawyers! What the devil can be the meaning of this? I should be glad to get at the bottom of – Hey! By your leave, brother Serjeant – I must crave the use of your robe – [sits down, and gets under the gown] – Between ourselves, this is not the first time this gown has cover'd a fraud.