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AN INCIDENTAL FAILURE

Adolph Schlimmer’s wink was of the self-satisfied variety that plainly says to the person at whom it is directed, “They’re mostly fools in this world – except you and me, and I’m not quite sure about you.” Adolph Schlimmer was a small man, but he thought he had enough worldly wisdom and sharpness for a giant. “You bet you, I don’t get fooled very much,” he boasted.

Just now his wink was directed at Carroll Brown, an insurance solicitor.

“How much iss there in it for you?” he asked.

“Oh, I get my commission, of course,” replied Brown.

“Sure, sure,” – and again Adolph winked. “You don’t need it all, maybe.”

“Why not?” asked Brown with disconcerting frankness. “I’m entitled to what I earn.”

“Sure, sure,” admitted Adolph, somewhat annoyed. “It’s vorth something to you to make the money, ain’t it, yes? I gif you the chance. It might be vorth something to me, perhaps, maybe.”

“Oh, if you want me to divide my commission with you,” exclaimed Brown, “we might as well quit talking right here. It would cost me my job, if anybody found it out.”

“Who iss to find it out? I bet you, if people could find out things, we’d haf more people in jail than out. Some big men, vorth millions, would haf to live a century to serf their time out. The boss discharges hiss clerk for doin’ what he iss doin’ himself.”

“It’s against the law,” argued Brown. “It’s a rebate on premiums and is prohibited.”

“Sure, sure,” conceded Adolph again. “But you got to do something to make business, ain’t it? I gif premiums and I get discounts. There don’t nobody fool me very much.”

“Well, I’m taking no chances with either my job or the law,” announced Brown, “even if I wanted to sacrifice part of my legitimate commission. I’m offering you a policy in a first-class company on the same terms that we give them to all others, and that’s the best I can do. If you’re looking for an advantage over your neighbors, you’ll have to go elsewhere. The very first rule of straight business is to treat all alike.”

“Sure it iss,” returned Adolph. “Look at the railroads and the big shippers.” Again he winked wisely. “I bet you, your boss ain’t such a fool as you. Make the big money when you can, but don’t run avay from the little money. I gif you a chance for the little money because I’m smart; some other feller let you haf it all because he issn’t.”

Therein lay the measure of Adolph. It was beyond his comprehension that any man should treat all fairly: some one surely was “on the inside,” and his first thought in any transaction was to make a quiet “deal” with some interested party that would give him a trifling advantage over others. He was shrewd in a small and near-sighted way, and he had an idea that all men, except fools, looked at things as he did. He believed there was “graft” in everything. That being the case, it was the duty of a sharp man to get a share of it, even if, as in this instance, it only lessened his own expense somewhat. So Adolph Schlimmer went to see Brown’s boss, who happened to be Dave Murray.

“I get me some insurance,” he announced.

“All right,” returned Murray agreeably. “You look like a good risk.”

“Risk?” repeated Adolph. “No, nein. I’m a sure thing.”

Murray laughed.

“That’s bad,” he said banteringly. “Sure things are what men go broke on in this world; they’re the biggest risks of all.” Then, explanatorily: “I mean you seem to be in good physical condition, so that our physician is likely to pass you.”

“You bet you,” returned Adolph, “but it’s my vife what counts. If I die, I leaf her the money; if she die, she leaf me nothing.”

“Oh, you want to get a policy on your wife’s life,” said Murray thoughtfully, not favorably impressed with the other’s commercial tone. “How much?”

“Zwei t’ousand dollars.”

“Not very much,” commented Murray. “A man of sense would prefer a good wife to two thousand dollars any day. Is she a worker?”

“You bet you, yes,” replied Adolph earnestly. “If she die, I looss money on her at that price. I figger it all out. She safe me the wages uf a clerk and a cook and some other things. I count up what she safe me and what she cost me and she’s vorth fifteen dollars a week easy in work and ten dollars a week in saving. I can’t afford to looss that. I insure the store and the stock, and now I insure this. I watch out for myself pretty close.”

Murray was both disgusted and amused. Such a character as this was new to his experience, but the risk might be, and probably was, a perfectly good and legitimate one.

“Well, you bring your wife in,” he said after a moment of thought, “and I’ll talk to her.”

“Sure,” said Adolph. Then he winked in his wise way. “I safe you the commission. What iss there in it for me?”

“What?” exclaimed Murray.

“I haf a talk with Brown,” explained Adolph. “It’s vorth something to him to get the business, but he don’t make it vorth nothing to me to give it.”

“If he did we’d discharge him.”

“Sure, sure,” returned the imperturbable Adolph. “We got to watch the boys or there won’t be nothing left for us. So I safe the commission for you. What iss there in it for me?”

“Not a damn thing!”

“You play it that way with the fool,” advised Adolph complacently. “It’s a bully bluff for the feller that don’t know how things was done in business. Then we go splits, yes?”

The ignorance and effrontery of the man so amazed Murray that he forgot his indignation for a moment and undertook to explain.

“There is no commission on business that comes to the office,” he said.

“Sure!” laughed Adolph, again resorting to that sagacious wink. “You let the company make it, yes? I stay home, you send man to tell me get insured, I say yes, man get paid – ain’t it so? I come here to get insured, and you give that man’s pay to the company, the men vorth millions – oh, yes, sure!” Adolph laughed at the absurdity of the thing. “Iss there anything in my eye?” he asked suddenly.

“You sit down there!” ordered Murray, for Adolph was now leaning familiarly over Murray’s desk. “I ought to kick you out, but I’m going to tell you a few things. Sit down and keep still. I’m several sizes bigger than you are and it’s my turn.” Murray spoke so aggressively that Adolph promptly returned to his seat. “Now, to begin with, you make a mistake in judging everybody else by yourself; there are a lot of decent people in this world. A good many may worship the almighty dollar, and that’s bad enough, but God help the few who get down to worshiping the almighty cent. A good many keep a lookout for graft, but you are the first one I ever saw who seemed to think everybody was crooked.”

“No, nein; only business – ”

“Keep still! You insult everybody you try to do business with by acting on the assumption that he is in your class. You have absorbed some of the tricky commercialism that is prevalent these days, and you’ve got the idea that there isn’t anything else – not even common sense. You would break the law for a trifle. What you propose is morally wrong, but we won’t discuss that, because you can’t understand it.”

“I don’t like – ”

“Keep still! I’m doing you a favor, but I’ve got to tell you first what a libel you are on the average human being. The law that you want to break was made for the protection of just such financially insignificant people as you. It prohibits giving rebates in any form on insurance premiums and provides that the acceptance of such a rebate by the policy-holder shall invalidate his policy, and that the giving of such a rebate by a company or any of its agents shall subject the company to a fine. Do you understand?”

“Sure; but who iss to know?”

Murray was discouraged, but he had set out to drive a lesson home to this dull-witted fellow who thought he was smart, and he valiantly held to his task. He could feel nothing but contempt for the man, but he had become rather interested in convincing him how foolish he was. Besides, Murray was a bitter opponent of the rebate evil in all lines of business – every one knows how it fosters monopoly – and he attacked it whenever and wherever he could.

“If rebates on insurance premiums were not unlawful,” he asked, “do you think people of your kind are the ones who would get them? Well, hardly. The millionaires, the rich men, the men who take out the big policies, would get them, and you little fellows would pay the full price, just as you do wherever else the rebate evil exists. This law was made to protect you, and you want to break it down. Well, I suppose there are others just as bad. The men for whose benefit a law is made frequently insist upon playing with it until they drop it and break it, and then they wonder why the splinters won’t do them as much good as the original law.” Having warmed up to a subject that interested him, Murray was talking for himself now. Adolph could understand in a general way what he meant, but many of the remarks were entirely beyond his comprehension. “Look at it in another way,” Murray went on. “As a speculation, the insurance rebate is a mistake. The man who gets or accepts a rebate is taking a risk. ‘Well,’ he argues, ‘so is the man who buys wheat or stocks or undeveloped real estate of problematical future value.’ Quite right; but when you speculate you want to be sure that your probable or possible profits bear a fair proportion to the risk and your possible losses. It’s all right to make a secured loan of one thousand dollars at five per cent., but when you put your thousand into a scheme where there is a chance of losing every cent of it, you also want a chance of making a good deal more than the legal rate of interest. Russell Sage is said to look as closely after the small profits as the large, but Russell would shy away from an investment – a real safe investment– that promised only a ten cent profit on five dollars; and if it were a speculation, where he might lose the whole five, he would want to see a possibility of winning at least half as much. The man who accepts an insurance premium rebate is going into a speculation – a flimsy, cheap speculation, with a chance of loss so entirely out of proportion to the slight advantage he gains over other policy-holders that no man with a grain of sense would consider it for a moment. To secure a discount on his premium he risks his whole policy. Why, in your case you would put a two-thousand-dollar policy in danger to save a few miserable dollars. It isn’t cleverness, it isn’t shrewdness, it isn’t business, it isn’t sense; it isn’t anything but damn foolishness. Do you understand?”

“Sure,” answered Adolph. “If we iss found out, I looss the policy and you looss a fine. We both looss.”

“That’s it exactly.”

“Vell, if we both looss by telling, who iss going to find it out?” demanded Adolph triumphantly. “You bet you, I take the chance. Go ahead with her.”

Murray leaned wearily back in his chair.

“You’d better get out of here,” he said. “This company wouldn’t issue a policy in which you had any sort of interest on any terms. I was curious to discover if I could not stir up just a glimmer of business sense in you, and my curiosity is satisfied. You seem to me like a man who would risk all his money to win a fly-speck, if he thought he was going to win it by some underhand deal. Get out as quick as you can! But I tell you again, don’t fool with rebates!”

Adolph stopped in the doorway.

“You got to haf the whole commission, yes?” he remarked with accusing bitterness. “I take you for a hog.”

Then he disappeared very suddenly, for he feared Murray would pursue.

Here again was the measure of Adolph. In spite of Murray’s explanation, he could see nothing except a chance to win by saving a part of the commission. He could not comprehend that he was running any unusual risk or doing anything that another would not do, if the other had the sense to see the chance. In fact, he was fully convinced in his own mind that Murray was merely talking for effect and really desired the whole commission for himself. This made him the more determined to gain this small advantage for himself – partly because his little business world was made up of such devious methods, and partly because it would be an evidence of his own cleverness.

Now, occasionally a solicitor for a company of high standing, acting on his own responsibility, will divide his commission in order to get some one to take out a policy. If he is trying to make a record, the temptation is considerable. If the policy is large, his half of this commission may be more than his whole commission in most other cases. He does this secretly, but he is inviting three kinds of trouble: his own discharge, a fine for his company, and a loss for the policy-holder. These three things will follow discovery, but he takes the chance. And there are irresponsible or unscrupulous companies or agencies (so it is said) that will tacitly approve such a course in some instances, taking the necessary risk in order to get business. Of course, no first-class or reliable company will sanction or even tolerate such methods.

Nevertheless, Adolph, the shrewd fool, finally found the man for whom he was searching. A man may nearly always find trouble if he searches for it industriously, and Adolph was industrious. Unfortunately for him, however, he treated several other solicitors to his knowing wink before he met the one who agreed to his proposition, and, when it was learned that Adolph was taking out a policy on his wife’s life, they were quick to reach conclusions. But it was none of their business, and they said nothing. What they knew merely made it easier to prove the case, if the question should ever arise. The solicitor who finally entered into the deal was one who had done the same thing before. He was “broke” a good part of the time, and, when in that condition, he did not question closely the ethics of any proposition that promised an early, even though small, cash return. He was an outcast among such of the many conscientious men of the fraternity as knew him, but the local agent of the company that employed him was not particular, and there were rumors that the company itself might have been more strict.

Anyhow, Adolph got the policy he wanted. His wife was disposed to object at first, for she had not been consulted until Adolph had made his bargain. There was no use, he argued, in telling her about it until he knew what he was going to do.

“I buy you a policy,” he finally told her in the tone that a man – another man – might tell his wife he would buy her a sealskin coat.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“It pays zwei t’ousand dollars,” he explained.

Mrs. Schlimmer was not enthusiastic.

“When?” she asked.

“When you are in the grafe,” he answered after a pause.

“What’s the use to me?” she persisted.

“My dear,” he said, with such gallantry as he could command, “it shows what you iss vorth.”

Somehow, she was not flattered. She was a good wife, who worked hard, and she herself thought she was worth it, but she was selfish enough to think she ought to realize on her own value.

“No, nein,” he argued, “it ain’t the vay it’s done. You got yourself, ain’t it, yes? When you ain’t got yourself, you ain’t here, but I am. You don’t looss yourself when you die, but I looss you, and you’re vorth a lot.”

“There’s other women,” she retorted.

“But they ain’t vorth what you are by zwei t’ousand dollars,” he insisted, and this delicate bit of flattery won the day. After all, it made no difference to her. She rebelled a little at going to the insurance office to be examined, however.

“You tell ’em I’m all right,” she urged. “You know.”

But a new gown – a cheap one – gained this point, and she went.

Adolph prided himself very much on this stroke of business. His great aim in life was to pay a little less than the market price for everything, and he was never convinced that he was really doing this unless the deal had to be carried out in some underhand way. When he could buy for less than others he was making so much more money, and it was his experience that the biggest profit lay in shady transactions. In others he had made, or saved, much more than in this, but the difficulties he encountered in this instance convinced him that it was an especially notable achievement. He was proud of his success.

“You bet you, they don’t fool me very much,” he asserted frequently.

And, in time, he told how clever he was. Not at first, however; he was very cautious at first, for Murray’s words had made an impression on him. But, after he had paid a few premiums, the lapse of time gave him a feeling of security, and one day, in boasting of his business shrewdness, he mentioned that he was even sharp enough to get life insurance at a bargain. After that, it was easier to speak of it again, and he finally told the story. The news spread in his own little circle. It was quite a feat, and he was held to have demonstrated remarkable cleverness. When another told of some sharp business deal, some one would remark, “Yes, that was clever, but you never got life insurance at a bargain.” And, in the course of time – six months or more from the time the story was first breathed – it came to the ears of one Daniel Grady. This was unfortunate, for Daniel at once jumped to the conclusion that he had been cheated. Daniel had a small policy in the same company, and this policy was costing him the full premium without rebate of any kind from any insurance solicitor or anybody else. Daniel did not like this, and neither did he like Adolph; in fact, he would have been willing to pay a little higher premium for the privilege of making trouble for Adolph. Failing that, Daniel would like to get on even terms with him.

“It’s th’ divil iv a note,” said Daniel, “that I sh’u’d be payin’ more than that little shrimp, an’ me only thryin’ to take care iv Maggie an’ th’ childhern. I’ll go down to th’ office an’ push th’ face iv th’ man in if he don’t give me th’ same rate, I will so.”

But Daniel wisely did nothing of the kind, for he recalled that there were a number of clerks in the office and a police station not far away, and he had no wish to add a fine to his expenses. Instead, after pondering the matter a few weeks and growing steadily more indignant, he went to see a little lawyer who had an office over a saloon, next to a justice of the peace. Daniel planned only to get his premiums reduced, but the lawyer saw other opportunities.

“It’s a great chance,” said the lawyer. “You’re a policy-holder – ”

“Who says so?” demanded Daniel, for this sounded to him like an accusation.

“I mean,” explained the lawyer, “that you are insured in the company.”

“What iv it?” asked Daniel.

“Why, the other policy-holders are the ones discriminated against in a case like this,” said the lawyer, “and any one of them can file a complaint.”

“I’m not the kind iv a man to do much complainin’,” declared Daniel. “I niver see that it did much good. If I c’u’d give Schlimmer a bad turn – ”

“That’s it; that’s it exactly. You can knock his insurance sky-high and get some money yourself.”

“Say that wanst more,” urged Daniel. “Me hearin’ seems to be playin’ thricks.”

“The law,” said the lawyer slowly, “fines a company for doing that – ”

“How much?”

“I’ll have to look it up. Pretty stiff fine, though, and the informer – ”

“I don’t like th’ word.”

“Well, the man who makes the complaint gets half the fine. Do you understand that? Let me take charge of the matter for you, and we’ll divide the money.”

“Will it hurt me own insurance?” asked Daniel.

“Not a bit.”

“I’m not lukkin’ to l’ave Maggie an’ th’ childhern without money whin I die, jist to land a dollar-twinty f’r me own pocket now. That’s a Schlimmer thrick.”

“Your insurance will be just as good as it ever was,” the lawyer asserted.

“Will there be twinty dollars in it f’r me?” Daniel persisted.

“There’ll be a good deal more than that – exactly how much I can’t say.”

“Go ahead,” instructed Daniel. “Put the little divil through.”

The lawyer investigated and found his task comparatively easy, for Adolph had now personally told the story to several people. Indeed, by the exercise of a little ingenuity, the lawyer got him to tell it to him. Then he acted.

When the news reached the local agency of the company there was no indecision as to what should be done. Unnecessary publicity in a matter of that kind was the very last thing sought. The solicitor was called in, put on the rack, and promptly confessed. Then he was discharged without further questioning. Perhaps the local agent was afraid he might learn of other similar instances if he pressed the matter too far, and he was quite content to remain in ignorance of anything else of that nature, so long as the public also remained in ignorance. The company promptly acknowledged its fault, showed that it had cleared itself morally by discharging the offending agent, and proceeded to clear itself legally by paying the necessary fine.

When the news came to Adolph, however, there was wailing prolonged, for his policy was annulled.

“I bet you,” said Adolph, “that feller Murray put up the job. He iss a great hog; he iss like those monopolists that puts smaller people out of business and gobbles it all.”

Then Adolph got a pencil and a sheet of paper and began to figure his losses.

“Zwei t’ousand dollar insurance,” he groaned, “and maybe she wouldn’t lif long. And I gif her a dress, too – a new dress. Ach, Himmel! it’s hard when a man’s vife beats him. A new dress for nothing at all but to looss money. That law iss a shame. It iss a – what you call it? – restriction of business.”

Thereafter, for some time, the sight of the new gown would make Adolph morose and gloomy, and his friends found him unusually modest and unobtrusive.