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Chapter Seven
Heather

Happiness List

1. Marry Luke!

Freddy stared at Heather, a look of sheer puzzlement on his funny little old man face. It was as if he was trying to figure out a particularly difficult calculus problem. Without warning, his face reddened with exertion as he emptied his bowels to the sound of a loud wet fart.

‘O-oh, somebody needs a change,’ remarked Gemma. ‘Heather? Do you want to take this one?’

‘I’ll give it a go if you want me to?’ winced Heather.

Gemma laughed. ‘Your face! I’m kidding. I couldn’t do it to you. It’s like dealing with nuclear waste. One day you’ll understand that you never agree to change a baby’s nappy unless that baby belongs to you. Right, come on, my boy,’ she cooed, plucking Freddy from his rocker chair. ‘Back in a sec.’

Heather watched Gemma go, pondering her ‘one day’ remark. The thought of having a baby of her own thrilled and terrified Heather in equal measure. Seeing Gemma with Freddy had been strange at first but now, she couldn’t picture a world without him and it had sparked her own maternal curiosity. Heather was used to being second in the running when it came to the milestones of life but then Gemma was two years older. She didn’t mind. Gemma was her trailblazer and she loved her for it – where she went, Heather followed.

She looked around Gemma’s living room now at the baby paraphernalia – you clearly needed a lot of stuff for these tiny human beings. There was a pram the size of a smart car in the hall, a fleece-lined rocker chair, which Heather decided that she wanted if they ever made scaled-up versions for adults, as well as all manner of black and white, mirrored, textured, squashy toys, which Freddy seemed to mostly ignore.

Heather tried to picture all these items in her living room. She and Luke kept a pretty tidy house. They weren’t compulsive about it – no bean tins facing outwards in the cupboard or magazines kept at right angles – but it was neat and ordered. Still, maybe babies stopped you worrying about stuff like that, maybe you had to just go with it.

She tried to picture Luke with a baby. She couldn’t ever remember seeing him with a child. He’d been working the last couple of times she’d met up with Gemma. They’d talked about babies in passing and she remembered him being positive – not effusively so but enough for her to feel satisfied that he would want kids one day. Maybe it was time for Luke to get to know Freddy a little better – one flash of that gummy smile and he’d be signing up for fatherhood quicker than you could say ‘baby-led weaning’.

‘Here we go – all clean,’ said Gemma as she carried Freddy back into the living room and held him out to Heather. ‘Would you like a cuddle?’

‘With you or the baby?’ Gemma laughed. ‘Come on then, Freddy Fruitcake, let’s see if I can make you cry like last time,’ said Heather, reaching out her arms to take him.

‘He was much smaller then, don’t worry, he’s a bit sturdier now. In fact, Ed reckons he could have a promising rugby career.’

‘Okay, but be ready for the first sign of trouble,’ warned Heather. ‘I haven’t had much practice.’ Heather shifted Freddy so that he was sitting, cradled on her arm. They were eyeball to eyeball. Heather held her breath – this could go one of two ways. All of a sudden, Freddy’s eyes brightened with recognition as if he’d spotted an old acquaintance who he hadn’t seen for years. His mouth lifted into an ‘o’ as he bowed forwards and planted a wet, gummy greeting onto Heather’s face.

‘He kissed you!’ cried Gemma with delight. ‘He only does that to Mum and me. You should feel very honoured.’

Heather felt her throat thicken as Freddy drew back and eyed her with a look that said, I like you. She had a sudden glimpse into Gemma’s world and it was lovely. ‘Thank you, Freddy,’ she laughed, kissing him on the top of his head. Freddy’s smile widened even further and he kissed her again and again, relishing Heather and Gemma’s delighted reactions.

‘You should get one,’ joked Gemma, gesturing towards her son. ‘He likes you and he’s a notoriously tough one to please. He screamed when this little old lady cooed at him in the supermarket the other day. Mind you, she did stink of fags and was missing a couple of teeth.’

Heather laughed. ‘Well, seeing how happy he makes you,’ she said, tickling Freddy under the chin, ‘and given that you and I share a love of vodka-based cocktails and Justin Timberlake…’

‘A round of cosmopolitans for the JT girls!’ cried Gemma.

‘Cheers to that, my friend!’ Heather grinned, holding up an imaginary glass. ‘I think it stands to reason that I would enjoy this motherhood lark as much as you do. Plus, he smells so good. Why does he smell so good?’ she asked, inhaling her godson’s downy head, making him giggle. ‘And that laugh? Surely, that’s the best sound in the world.’

Gemma regarded her for a second. ‘I’m going to level with you, coz. For me, having a baby has been the most knackering experience of my life, my fanny’s a car crash and my nipples are so effing sore, but honestly?’ She gazed over at Freddy with a look of pure, unadulterated love. ‘I wouldn’t change it for the world. I mean, between ourselves, it would be good if Ed helped out a bit more, but aside from that, I’ve never been happier.’

Heather smiled at her cousin. ‘Well here’s a thought. How about Luke and I help out by having Freddy overnight one Friday so that you and Ed can go out?’

Gemma stared at her wide-eyed. ‘That’s a big ask. He can be a pain to settle. Are you sure you’re up for it?’

Heather nodded with enthusiasm. ‘Absolutely. It’d only be one night and it’s win-win. You get a night out, I get time with my godson and Luke and I get to practise at being parents.’

‘Let’s hope he doesn’t put you off for life,’ laughed Gemma.

Freddy gazed up at Heather as she covered his ears. ‘Mummy doesn’t mean it, Freddy. You’re going to have all the fun with Auntie Heather and Uncle Luke.’

‘Do you think Uncle Luke will be okay with it?’ Gemma frowned, doubtfully.

‘Why do you say that?’

Gemma shrugged. ‘Oh, I dunno. Pardon the pun but I thought he was a bit lukewarm about kids.’

Heather frowned. ‘When did he say that?’

Gemma chewed her lip for a moment before dismissing Heather’s concerns with a wave of her hand. ‘Do you know, it’s probably just my baby brain getting mixed up. I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Well I’m not but I want to go out and drink gin so let’s pretend, shall we?’

Heather laughed. ‘Stop worrying. It’s going to be brilliant, isn’t it, Freddy?’ Freddy squeaked in reply. She smiled and glanced at her watch. ‘Blimey, I need to get going. Wednesday night is happiness night.’

‘Oh yeah, your course. How’s it going?’ asked Gemma, reclaiming her son and following Heather into the hall.

Heather gave a positive nod. ‘I only went along to the first one because I couldn’t face another night in on my own, but actually, it was pretty interesting.’

‘Luscious Luke still working all hours then?’

Heather sighed. ‘Yeah, but at least we’ve had a chance to sit down and discuss the wedding. I have a shortlist of three venues.’

‘That’s great. Sorry, Heth – I meant to ask you about that but we got distracted by babies.’

‘It’s fine, Gem, he’s a gorgeous distraction,’ she said, leaning forwards to kiss them both.

‘I’m glad you’re getting the wedding sorted and remember to shout if I can help with anything.’

‘Just being my chief bridesmaid and helping me choose my dress is all I need.’

‘Done,’ said Gemma with a grin.

Heather made for the door. ‘Right. I’m off to talk mindfulness and eat lemon drizzle cake in a draughty community hall.’

‘There are worse ways to spend an evening.’

‘Very true. Take care and speak soon. Bye!’

Heather glanced back before she drove off, waving at Gemma standing on the doorstep with Freddy in her arms. As she focused on the road, she felt a dip of sadness in her chest, a tug of longing for when she and Gemma were growing up. Heather missed those days – Saturdays shopping in the nearby town, trying out lipstick in Boots and sitting in McDonald’s nursing a strawberry milkshake for hours as boys would come and go like interview candidates. Gemma always seemed so in charge when it came to the opposite sex. Heather would watch in awe as some teenage boy, his face peppered with acne and sprouting stubble, would sidle over and try to get her attention. Gemma would flirt with the ones she liked and introduce the ones she didn’t to Heather. Heather didn’t mind – she received all her cousin’s cast-off clothes so why not the boys as well? As the younger cousin, she was just grateful to be in Gemma’s presence – she was her guiding light and her protector too. When one boy tried to persuade Heather to go for a ‘walk’ in the municipal gardens, Gemma tipped the rest of her milkshake over his head and told him to get lost before she told the whole restaurant that he was a pervert. Heather smiled at the memory. No one messed with Gemma Sharp.

She and Gemma were still close and they would always have that bond from growing up together but there was a distance now. It wasn’t just the geography – Gemma lived less than an hour away. There was an emotional distance too – the inevitable growing apart that came with marriage and motherhood. It was normal and natural but it made Heather feel as if she was drifting and somehow losing her anchor to the past.

It made her realize how much she needed Luke, how much she loved and couldn’t wait to marry him – to get on with their life, to make it something happy and wonderful, something she’d needed ever since her parents died.

‘So,’ said Nik, smiling as he stood before the group hours later. ‘Did any of you experiment with mindfulness this week?’

‘I tried mindful baking,’ admitted Pamela ruefully.

‘And how did it go?’

‘I fell asleep.’ She grimaced. ‘I ended up burning my buns. I never burn my buns.’

Nik gave her a sympathetic smile.

‘Sorry to say it but I don’t think I have time to be mindful,’ declared Fran. ‘I can’t be present whilst chopping up cucumber, admiring the glistening discs of translucent green or whatever. I just need to get it done and move on to the next thing.’

Nik nodded. ‘The world is busy. But let me ask you this, if you go for a run, can you keep on running indefinitely?’

‘Well no, obvs. You need to take a break from time to time.’

‘Exactly, so mindfulness is a way of taking a moment, a break from the constant rushing, a time to reset your brain if you like – to observe what is happening. Some people learn to be mindful all the time and if you practise enough, this is possible. But I would say that perhaps this isn’t realistic so you should think of it as a form of exercise to start with. And tonight we’re going to try something to help us practise.’ Nik took a Tupperware box from his bag and lifted the lid. ‘Sultanas,’ he said, walking around the circle. ‘Help yourself.’

‘Sorry, I’m on a diet,’ joked Fran as she took one.

Nik smiled. ‘I would like you to imagine that you have never seen a sultana before.’ Heather and Fran exchanged amused glances. ‘Take a moment to look at it properly, observe its appearance. What do you see?’

‘Sorry, Nik?’ said Jim.

‘Yes?’

Jim looked sheepish. ‘I’ve already eaten mine. I thought it was a snack.’

‘Me too,’ said Sue. ‘I haven’t had my dinner and I was hungry.’

Nik laughed. ‘Okay, here you go,’ he said, handing out replacements. ‘Now, try for a moment to observe the sultana. Look at it carefully and share your thoughts if you want to.’

‘Brown?’ offered Pamela.

Nik nodded encouragingly.

‘Shrivelled,’ said Heather.

‘Like old person,’ observed Georg. ‘My grandmother had wrinkled face like this.’ Everyone laughed. Georg looked surprised. ‘Is true.’

‘Good,’ said Nik. ‘And now how does it feel in your hand – consider this for a moment with your eyes closed.’

‘Soft,’ said Sue after a pause.

‘Sticky,’ added Pamela.

‘Knobbly,’ said someone else.

‘And the smell?’ asked Nik. ‘Take your time.’

‘Sweet,’ said Heather.

‘Rich,’ said Georg. ‘Like dark sugar smell.’

‘Like my mum’s larder,’ observed Jim with a smile. ‘She did a lot of baking, like Mrs T.’ Pamela grinned at him.

‘And now we taste,’ said Nik. ‘Don’t chew it at first, just let it rest on your tongue and focus on what comes to mind.’

There was a long pause before they answered.

‘Liquorice,’ said Pamela with a confused frown.

‘Longing,’ added Heather. ‘I know it’s sweet but I can’t taste it yet.’

‘Salt and sweet,’ said Fran, looking at Nik. ‘Sorry, I couldn’t wait – I had to bite it.’

Nik smiled. ‘It’s okay, it’s not a test. What this shows us isn’t about the sultana itself. It’s about our ability to focus on the present moment, to concentrate on the thing that is right in front of you. Congratulations – you all have the capacity to be mindful. I promise that if you practise, you will feel the benefits.’ Fran arched a brow at him. ‘Even you, Fran.’

‘Cheek,’ she laughed.

Nik addressed the group. ‘So this week’s homework is to find an activity that enables you to be mindful or present in the moment or however you would like to phrase it. Add it to your own happiness list and do your best to incorporate it into your life. Try to view it as you taking a deep breath when you need it most.’

As they left the course a while later, Fran turned to Pamela and Heather. ‘Right, all that breathing and focusing on the present has made me realize that I need a drink and, as my mother is staying over again, I intend to take full advantage of the fact. Who fancies the pub?’

Heather checked her phone. No messages from Luke but as he’d been working late all week, Heather fully expected more of the same. What was the point in going home to an empty house again? ‘I’m in,’ she declared. ‘Pamela?’

‘Barry will only be glued to one of his gardening programmes and Matty’s out so why not?’

‘I love it when a plan comes together,’ said Fran with a grin.

The Goldfinch Tavern used to be a spit-and-sawdust kind of pub with a decidedly dodgy clientele until a forward-thinking brewery took it over, replaced the sticky floor with dark wood and peeled back the Anaglytpa to expose the brick behind it. It had a cosy, shabby-chic feel and was much loved by the local community.

An open mic night was kicking off as the three women arrived, so they made a beeline for a quiet table in an adjoining room where they could hear each other speak.

‘My choir often does gigs in here,’ said Pamela as Fran returned from the bar carrying a bottle of Prosecco and three glasses.

‘Ahh yes, the famous Hope Street community choir. My friend Nat always says it saved her after she and Dan split up,’ said Fran.

‘Lovely Nat, she’s a treasure,’ said Pamela.

‘Caroline told me that she formed the choir in order to save the community hall,’ remarked Heather.

‘That sounds like Caroline,’ observed Fran with one eyebrow raised. ‘She had quite a lot of help.’

‘Ahh, Caroline’s got a good heart,’ insisted Pamela.

‘She just keeps it well hidden,’ said Fran.

Pamela giggled. ‘Oh, get away with you.’

‘Come on then ladies, let’s practise what we’ve learnt,’ said Fran as she poured the Prosecco. ‘Observe if you will, the flow of golden liquid…or does that sound as if I’m talking about wee?’ She smirked.

Heather laughed. ‘Watch the bubbles lift and pop on this glistening sea of gold.’

‘Still sounds like wee,’ grinned Fran. ‘You try, Pamela.’

‘Um, look at the foaming surge of liquid?’ she offered, frowning with concentration.

Fran snorted with laughter. ‘Okay, stop now because that sounds plain wrong.’ Heather and Pamela chuckled as Fran handed them a glass each. ‘So, enough with the mindfulness. Here’s to my happiness buddies – cheers!’

‘Cheers!’ they chorused.

‘So are you still singing with the choir?’ said Heather to Pamela.

Pamela nodded. ‘Oh yes – they’re wonderful. You should both come. Choir always gives me a lift.’

Fran grimaced. ‘I think you might end up with all the stray cats in the neighbourhood lining up outside the hall – I can’t sing for toffee.’

Heather laughed. ‘I love music but I always preferred dancing to singing.’

‘Ooh, I used to love dancing as a girl – ballroom mainly but I did enjoy a bit of jive,’ said Pamela.

‘Go Pamela!’ cried Fran. She nudged Heather. ‘It’s great that you decided to come along for another session of the course.’

Heather flashed a smile at Pamela. ‘I’ll go anywhere for a decent slice of lemon drizzle. Plus, it’s good to make some friends round here. Luke’s often working so…’

‘You get lonely sometimes,’ said Fran as if she understood.

Heather held her gaze for a second before nodding. There was something about Fran that reminded her of Gemma – both straight-talking women with teasing humour.

‘It must be hard living where your mum grew up but not having her or your dad around,’ added Pamela with her customary tact.

Fran and Heather exchanged glances. ‘Don’t feel too sorry for me, Pamela. I’ve got my lovely cousin, Gemma, who’s supported me ever since Mum and Dad died. I moved in with her family after it happened and we’ve been best mates ever since.’

‘Does she live nearby?’ asked Pamela.

‘About an hour away. She’s married and had a baby six months ago. I saw them today actually.’ She took out her phone and showed them a picture. ‘That’s Freddy, he’s my godson.’

‘Cute,’ said Fran.

‘Awww, what a poppet,’ declared Pamela.

‘He’s lovely. I just wish I could see them a bit more but they’re busy and I’m over here so it’s tricky.’

‘Babies ruin everything,’ said Fran. ‘Friendships, fannies – the whole caboodle.’

‘Fran!’ cried Pamela scandalized. ‘Babies are wonderful!’

‘In small doses,’ said Fran. ‘Sorry, Heather – you were saying about things being tricky?’

Heather smiled, feeling a wave of affection for them both. ‘It’s just lovely to make new friends over here.’

Pamela patted her hand and Fran grinned. ‘Well, Pamela and I know how to get a party started,’ she quipped, knocking her glass against Heather’s. ‘Which is more than you can say for young Georg. What is going on with him?’

Heather laughed. ‘I get the feeling there’s more to Georg than meets the eye.’

‘He told me that his happiness goal is to find true love,’ sighed Pamela. ‘Bless him.’

‘Now see how we all complement each other perfectly?’ said Fran. ‘So Pamela here is our hopeless romantic, whereas I’m the jaded cynic so that must make you…’

‘The lost soul?’ blurted Heather, surprising herself. ‘Sorry – not sure where that came from.’

‘From the heart,’ said Fran. ‘It’s what comes with hanging out with Pamela. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with us. We’re a not quite perfect dream team.’

‘We should have T-shirts made!’ said Heather. She turned to Pamela. ‘So how’s Matthew getting on?’

Pamela sighed. ‘Doly is going to give him some work so that will help but he is a worry. I’m not entirely sure what he’s up to half the time.’

‘Well, he’s a big boy, you can’t watch his every move,’ said Heather.

Pamela nodded. ‘I know I have a tendency to mother him a bit too much but it’s hard, isn’t it? You just want to help your kids get what they need.’

‘Don’t forget what you need though,’ said Heather. Pamela gave her a grateful smile.

‘Poor Pamela,’ said Fran. ‘Makes you wish that you could keep your kids on a lead for the whole of their lives, doesn’t it? I’m dreading the day I don’t know where mine are. My mother makes Margaret Thatcher look weedy but at least I know my kids are safely tucked up when she’s in charge.’

Heather looked distracted for a moment. ‘Sorry, Fran, I am listening. I just heard that boy singing – he sounds a bit like Ed Sheeran. How old do you think he is?’

As Fran tuned in, a look of horror spread over her face. She stood up. ‘Fourteen,’ she said. ‘He’s fourteen.’

‘How do you know?’ asked Pamela.

Fran made for the bar. ‘Because that’s my bloody son and I’m going to kill him!’

The evening had fallen apart after that. Fran frogmarched a mortified Jude from the pub but not before she’d given the landlord an earful. From the thunderous look on her face, her mother was in for similar treatment.

As Heather let herself back into the house a while later, she could hear the television and peered into the lounge to find Luke asleep on the sofa. Her heart soared at the sight of him. She knelt down, watching him for a moment. He stirred and opened his eyes, smiling as he saw her. She leant over to kiss him.

‘You’re home,’ she said.

‘I’m home.’ He smiled.

‘You should have called me. I went for a drink with Fran and Pamela – I would have come straight home if I’d known.’

‘It’s okay, beautiful,’ he said, stroking her cheek. ‘I had a report to write. Anyway, how was your day?’

She grinned and took out her phone to show him a photograph. A Facebook notification popped up – Gemma had tagged her in a post. It was a picture of Heather and Freddy smiling at one another with the words,

Hanging out with my favourite auntie.

‘Look.’ She held out the phone for Luke to see.

He frowned at the picture. ‘Oh wow, look at you,’ he said, making no comment about the baby.

‘Isn’t Freddy cute?’ she insisted.

Luke shrugged. ‘Yeah, I guess. How was Gem? Feels like ages since I’ve seen her.’

Heather felt a prickle of disappointment. ‘Yeah, it was great to see her – she was tired but well. She loves being a mum.’

‘That’s good.’ She moved to snuggle next to him, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. ‘Oh hello,’ he said, leaning down to kiss her.

‘Hello.’ She smiled, pulling back slightly. ‘So listen…’

‘Uh-oh, sounds serious. What’s up?’

Heather felt her mouth go dry. Where to start? This was a big life question. She didn’t want to mess it up and she didn’t want to scare off Luke either. ‘Well, when I was with Gemma and Freddy today, she mentioned in passing that she didn’t think you were very keen on having kids.’

‘She said that?’

Heather felt a twist of panic that he wasn’t flatly denying it. ‘She did. And it made me realize that we’d never talked about it properly and that I’d stupidly assumed that we would just have kids one day.’

Luke sat up and ran a hand through his hair. ‘O-kay, well if I’m honest, I haven’t given it much thought.’

Heather turned to face him and was taken aback by his guarded expression. She reached for his hand. ‘Well, maybe we should talk about it. We’re about to get married – it feels pretty important.’

Luke shifted in his seat. ‘O-kay.’

Heather took a deep breath. ‘Well, personally, I know I’d like a family. I love the idea of miniature versions of you and me and I think we’d make great parents. What about you?’

Luke gave a faint smile. ‘I don’t know. I guess I still feel as if I’m too young to think about it. To be honest, I’m not about planning years into the future. I’ve got you, I’ve got my job. We’re getting married and that’s enough for now.’

Enough for now. That sounded reasonable. Maybe rushing into the future was wrong. Maybe it was better to live in the present. ‘But you’re not ruling out kids?’ she asked.

He put an arm round her shoulder and kissed her cheek. ‘Of course not. I think we should enjoy our lives now and see what happens.’

She stole a glance at him. ‘Okay, well I’ve kind of offered to have Freddy overnight for Gemma.’

‘Oh. Huh,’ said Luke, nodding slowly.

Heather nudged him. ‘Listen, it’s going to be great. He’s my godson and he’s very cute. It might just give us some perspective on parenthood.’

Luke gave a resigned smile. ‘Okay. I’m not great with babies but, you know, if you’ve offered and it helps out Gemma then fine.’

Heather nodded. Enough for now. She stood up, feeling heavy with tiredness. ‘It’s been a long day,’ she said. ‘I’m going to grab a glass of water and head up to bed.’

He caught hold of her hand. ‘Okay, beautiful. I won’t be long. I love you, Heather Brown.’

‘I love you too.’

I really do love you, she thought as she filled a glass from the tap and stood frowning out at her reflection. And maybe that was enough for now but there was a seed of uncertainty threatening to take root in her heart. What if Luke never wanted kids? Would Heather be happy with that? What did she actually want from her life? Would enough for now be enough for ever? Maybe the truth she blurted out in the pub was just that. Maybe she really was a lost soul, still searching for what she needed and maybe, at the moment, she needed the course more than she cared to admit.