Читать книгу: «Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers», страница 8
THIS IS A MAN
Edith Wharton, at her flat in Paris, told a war story.
“The American wounded were being brought in from the Marne battlefield,” she said, “and a fussy American woman in a khaki uniform and Sam Browne belt bent over a stretcher and said:
“‘Is this case an officer or only a man?’
“The brawny corporal who stood beside the stretcher gave a grim laugh and said:
“‘Well, lady, he ain’t no officer, but he’s been hit twice in the innards, both legs is busted, he’s got bullets in both arms and we dropped him three times without his lettin’ out a squawk, so I guess we can call him a man.’”
WANTED SOMETHING STATIONARY
On an American transport two days out from New York:
First Sambo, who is really enjoying the sea, to his dark companion, who has gone below: “Nigger! Come on up! We’re passing a ship!”
Voice from below: “I don’t want to see no ship. You jes’ call me when we’re passing a tree!”
YET THEY FOUGHT NOBLY
Two negroes were discussing the possibilities of being drafted.
“’Tain’t gwine do ’em any good to pick on me,” said Sam. “Ah certainly ain’t gwine do any fightin’. Ah ain’t lost nothin’ oveh in France. Ah ain’t got any quarrel with a-n-ybody, and dey kain’t make me fight.”
The other pondered over this statement for a moment. “Yo right,” he said at length; “Uncle Sam kain’t make you fight. But he can take you where de fightin’ is, and after that you kin use you’ own judgment.”
PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY
During the fighting on the Aisne front one American company pushed out far ahead and lost touch with the neighboring companies on either side. Their zeal in chasing the Germans was leading them into danger of being enfiladed by machine gun fire from the flanks. A major stormed up to the captain.
“Why the hell don’t you hold your men back?” he yelled.
“How the hell can I told ’em back when the whole German army can’t?”
THE QUICKER THE SOONER
“Goodness!” gasped the sergeant of the guard, sticking his head out of the window, “what is the man playing at?”
Private Murphy, who was on sentry go, was running as hard as he could from end to end of his beat.
“Hi, Mike!” yelled the noncom, “what’s the trouble?”
“Sure, an’ there’s no trouble at all, at all,” replied Murphy, panting as he paused in his scurry.
“Then what are you running for?”
“Well, ain’t I on duty here for two hours? I’m only trying to get me two hours done quick!”
TRANSPORTS OF JOY
“Were you happy when you started for France?”
“Happy? We were in transports.”
WHERE HE IS EXPERT
“So you’ve joined the Army, Mose?”
“Yes, sah.”
“What branch of the service are you in?”
“Well, sah. Ah’s in de infantry, but when we get t’ France Ah’se done asked de captain to put me on dat night-raid wo’k. Gittin’ into de odder fellow’s backyard durin’ de night hours is a job dat ah considers mahs’l particularly experienced at.”
NO MULES IN THE AIR
American Soldier: “So you are in the aviation corps. I thought you enlisted in the cavalry?”
Gentleman of Color: “Ah dun change.”
American Soldier: “What was the reason?”
Gentleman of Color: “Wal, suh, for one thing, an aeroplane, after it throws yo’ out, very seldom walks over an’ bites yo’.”
DEAR LITTLE BOY
He was probably the smallest “middy” in the navy, and one evening he was invited to attend a party in the saloon. He was such a little chap that the ladies had no idea that he was a midshipman at all, but took him for somebody’s “dear little boy” in a Royal Navy all-wool serge. At last one of them, on whose lap he had been sitting, and who had just kissed him, asked:
“And how old are you, little dear?”
“Twenty-two,” he said, in a voice like a foghorn. Then the lady swooned.
THEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSED
A seasoned sergeant major recently was horrified to see a pair of shamelessly baggy trousers appear at the top of the window in the orderly room at a London depot. He shouted out what he thought, as they descended the ladder, and the face of a woman window cleaner only completed his discomfiture.
UNUSUAL OFFICER
An Australian soldier had overstayed his leave. He knew his Commanding Officer was fed up with hard-luck excuses, so wired:
“Not sick, nobody dead, got plenty of money, having a good time. Please wire two days’ extension.”
He got three.
NOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED
Lieut. John Philip Sousa, while organizing military bands for the navy, was talking to a correspondent about the submarine danger.
“A friend of mine, a cornet virtuoso,” he said, “was submarined in the Mediterranean. The English paper that reported the affair worded it thus:
“‘The famous cornetist, Mr. Hornblower, though submarined by the Germans in the Mediterranean, was able to appear at Marseilles the following evening in four pieces.’”
ORDERS, BUT NO SALES
“And what were you in civilian life?” asked the captain.
“I was a traveling salesman, sir,” replied the recruit.
“That’s all right, then. You’ll get plenty of orders around here.”
THOSE FOOL QUESTIONS
“Have you been to France?”
“Yes. Came back last week.”
“Now, I wonder if you saw anything of that young nephew of mine out there – Smith is his name?”
PROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERS
“Our Joe’s joined the army,” announced Mary Brown, proudly, “an’ ’e’s gettin’ on fine wiv ’is drill. In fac’, when ’is regiment passed ’ere the other day hevery one wot was in it was out of step ’cep’ ’im.”
“O, that’s nuffin,” retorted Tommy Johnson.
“When our ’Arry went to the front the captain ’e shouted: ‘Is Private ’Arry Johnson in the ranks?’ ‘Yes,’ sez somebody. ’Then let the war begin,’ sez he.”
NOT FLATTERING HIM ANY
First Soldier (looking at portraits of himself) – Which do you think is the best, Mike?
Second Soldier – Well, personally I think the one of you in the gas mask is the best.
ONLY KIND HE KNEW
“I’ve just had some good news,” said Bearnstean, upon meeting his friend Mr. Abrahams. “My son Solly has got a commission in the Army.”
“Go on,” replied Abrahams, rubbing his hands; “how much?”
NOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRY
Tommy: “Look ’ere, Jack, now you’re for Blighty, why don’t you make up to Kitty? Go in and win, mate! Upon my life she’s a regular pearl!”
Jack: “That may be, but I can’t stand the mother of pearl.”
MORE DANGEROUS, ALSO
Corp – Can you think of anything more unmilitary than putting your hands in your pockets?
Sarg – Sure! Putting your hands in somebody else’s pockets.
SAME IN ALL LANGUAGES
Jack Tar: “How do you manage to get on so well with the French girls when you can’t speak their lingo?”
Soldier: “I’m surprised you’re so slow. Can’t you kiss a girl without a dictionary?”
SHE KNEW JIM
A soldier at the front got short of money, so he sent home the following letter:
“Dear Mary – We lost a trench this morning, and we must replace it at any cost, so will you please send me $25 at once.”
Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the following reply:
“Dear Jim – Sorry, I have not $25 toward replacing the lost trench, but I enclose two candles to help you look for it.”
THEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P
The colonel had ridden his horse to town in the afternoon, and it was dark when he returned to camp. Some distance outside the guard line he was challenged by a voice from the darkness:
“Halt! Who goes there?”
“Colonel,” he answered.
“Dismount, colonel. Advance and be recognized.”
He was certain that there was some mistake, for no guard was supposed to be posted there. But a sentry’s orders are not to be disobeyed, so he grumblingly dismounted and led his horse forward, inwardly vowing vengeance against the sergeant of the guard who had caused him all this trouble.
As he approached the sentry he burst out wrathfully:
“Who in thunder posted you here?”
“No one, sir. I’m just practicing.”
PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT
Doris: “Was your C. O. pleased, Algy, when you told him my idea for beating the Germans on the Western Front?”
Algy: “Pleased! I should jolly well think he was. Why, he laughed for hours!”
GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER
Two rookies were indulging in the soldier’s privilege – growling about his station and how the soldier gets stung for everything.
“I ordered a chicken dinner at a cafe downtown and they charged me a dollar and six bits,” Bone was saying.
A newsie overheard him. “Say, mister,” he said, “I know where you can get a chicken dinner for two bits. A good big one, too.”
The soldiers looked skeptical, but the newsie insisted that he was telling the truth. Finally the soldier who had been stung asked him where this place was located. The newsie mentioned an address on one of the side streets of San Antonio.
A few days later the two soldiers went to the city and determined to visit the cheap restaurant. They found the address. It was a feed store.
ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE
Moses and Aaron were partners in business when Aaron was called up and had to go to camp. About a month after Aaron had departed he received a telegram from Moses. The telegram read:
“Business burned out. Got $10,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Start another business.”
One month later Aaron received another telegram from Moses:
“Business burned out again. Got $13,000 insurance. What shall I do?”
Aaron immediately wired back:
“Keep the home fires burning.”
PLAY THE GAME
The German artillery were doing their best to erase a small town from the map. Every few minutes there would be a deafening crash and the remains of a house would soar skyward enveloped in a cloud of smoke.
In a field on the outskirts of the town some Canadian soldiers, relieved from the trenches for a few days, were indulging in their favorite game of baseball. The pitcher had just pitched the ball and the batsman had hit an easy catch to one of the fielders when a huge shell landed in the adjoining field. The fielder’s attention was fixed on the shell, which burst with a deafening crash, and he missed the catch.
“For the love of Mike,” roared the pitcher, who was a typical Irish-Canadian, “if you are going to play baseball, play baseball, and quit watching the shells.”
SHE WAS USED TO IT
Mrs. Flatbush – So your husband is “somewhere in France”?
Mrs. Bensonhurst – So I believe.
Mrs. Flatbush – But don’t you know where?
Mrs. Bensonhurst – No.
Mrs. Flatbush – Don’t you feel somewhat concerned?
Mrs. Bensonhurst – Why, no. When he was here I knew he was somewhere in America, but half of the time I didn’t know where.
SPIRIT OF FRANCE
A tired and dusty doughboy drew up in front of a shell-battered house in Château-Thierry and asked a French woman if he could get a drink of water.
“Oui, mon garcon,” said the woman. “You come right along with me.”
After the soldier had obtained his drink and was about to depart, he remarked that her house had suffered more or less from the guns.
“Yes,” was the reply. “I used it as a dressing station for the Americans who were wounded here, and the Boche seemed to know about it. But it’s all right. We will build it up again and everything will be the same.”
She explained in detail just how she would rearrange the architecture, how the windows would be built larger.
“We will have to carry a lot of rock,” she smiled. “You see, those are all shot to pieces. But it’s not far to the river.”
Then she turned and resumed her task of clearing away the debris that had once been the east wall of her house.
RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE
Pat was serving in the Army, and his two companions happened to be an Englishman and a Scotsman. These two gave their Irish friend a lively time with their jokes and teasing.
One day Pat was called away, and left his coat hanging on a nail. The Englishman and Scotsman, seeing some white paint near, seized the opportunity of painting a donkey’s head on the back of Pat’s coat.
The latter soon returned, and looking first at his coat, and then fixing his eye on his chums, said slowly: “Begorra! and which of you two has wiped your face on my coat?”
PROOF POSITIVE
“Come, corporal,” said the colonel, “say definitely what you mean. Was the prisoner drunk, or wasn’t he?”
“’E wasn’t himself, sir; he was under the influence of drink. When I saw him he’d been washing his face in a puddle an’ he was trying to wipe it on a wire doormat, cursin’ the holes in the ‘towel.’”
CAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FOR
The sergeant-major had trouble in finding an accountant for his captain, but at last brought in a private for trial.
“Are you a clerk?” demanded the captain.
“No, sir,” replied the man.
“Do you know anything about figures?” asked the captain.
“I can do a bit,” replied the man, modestly.
“Is this the best man you can find?” asked the officer.
“Yes, sir.”
“Well,” growled the captain, “I suppose I’ll have to put up with him!” Turning to the private, he snapped, “What were you in civilian life?”
“Professor of mathematics at the State College, sir,” was the unexpected reply.
GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING
He was in khaki, but it’s better not to say what branch of the service he is in, and it certainly would be cruel to hint at his company. There are probably gold bars in it, and the guardhouse is not the place for a returned soldier. Here’s the story he tells. He says it’s true:
“Sometimes overseas,” he said, “it seems as if every other man you met was a second lieutenant.
“One day last spring Gen. Pershing and his staff found themselves out in the open with a chance for a bit of rest, the first in days, but nary a place to take it in.
“Well, ‘Black Jack’ thought what was good enough for his men wasn’t so worse for him. He just quietly rolled himself up in his cape and lay down under a hedge where the mud wasn’t more than a foot deep, and the staff took the next hedge and did likewise.
“Pretty soon along comes a regiment and stops for a minute. Some of the men drop out for a snooze, and one of them comes along to the hedge which was ‘Black Jack’s’ private ‘boodoir’ and lies down beside him. Pretty soon he begins to talk to the chief friendly like, and Pershing talks to him and it was mighty dark.
“Pretty soon the regiment’s ordered to fall in and the Johnny leaves ‘Black Jack’ casual like and starts to rejoin. But on his way he meets an orderly and he asks him, ‘Who’s that decent guy under the hedge?’
“‘My gracious,’ or words to that effect, as they say at the court-martials, remarks the orderly, ‘Don’t you know that’s General Pershing?’
“Well, that soldier does some tall thinking for a minute and then he goes back to the hedge and stands at salute and begs Pershing’s pardon most pretty. The General looks up at him and our friend swears he was grinning a little and he says slow and thoughtful like:
“‘Never mind. That was an interesting talk and I understand. It’s all right with me, but,’ and the eyes of him looked as sober as if he was talking tactics with Foch, ‘Don’t try it with any of those new second lieutenants.’
“And,” concluded the man in khaki, “the guy went away just a-shuddering with thinking what would have happened if it had been a second lieutenant instead of just a General.”
BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND
Willis – How do you like army life? Quite a number of new turns for a fellow to get used to, I suppose.
Gillis – You bet. At night you turn in, and just as you are about to turn over somebody turns up and says, “Turn out.”
ONE ON THE COLONEL
The Colonel beckoned to his orderly.
“Smith, I wish you’d ride into the town and get the correct time.”
“Why, sir,” Smith hesitated, “I haven’t got a watch.”
“A watch, a watch,” the Colonel roared. “What in the name of sense do you want a watch for? Write it down on a piece of paper, man.”
A GRAND STAND PLAY
All sorts of stories come from across the water relative to misunderstandings between Yanks and the ladies over there, and not the least amusing is one told at the Washington Press Club by one of the correspondents.
Seems the doughboy had taken an English girl to a baseball game, and, after it was over, was eager to make sure that she had understood and appreciated the great American game.
“Now, if there’s anything you didn’t understand tell me and I’ll explain,” he pleaded in her fair ear.
“Well,” she answered, “really, don’t you know, I didn’t understand a bit of it, and some of it sounded awfully silly.”
“What was so awfully silly?” demanded the doughboy. “Tell me and I’ll explain.”
“Well,” replied the girl, dubiously, “why do they call the seats the stands?”
And, at last reports, the soldier was still trying to tell her.
THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY
Camp Devens, Mass. – These colored noncommissioned officers are efficient or nothing.
A newly-made corporal, recently from Dixie, was superintending the breaking up of some old cases down in the 13th Battalion today. A dark recruit was wielding an ax with vigor and with fair success. The corporal apparently couldn’t find any specific thing the matter with his work, but he stopped him just the same. “Boy,” said the dignified corporal, “boy, does you know how to do dis yere work?”
“Co’se ah does,” replied the recruit rather indignantly.
The corporal eyed him dangerously. “Sojer,” he said, darkly, “did ah evah show you how dis should be done? Have yo’ evah received any constructions fum me?”
“No,” admitted the rookie reluctantly, “yo’ nevah tol’ me nuthin’.”
“Den, man, yo’ don’ know nuthin’,” exploded the corporal, and the private meekly dropped his ax.
DON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMY
Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier): “Poor man, have you lost your leg?”
Tommy: “Yes, mum.”
Old Lady: “Oh, poor fellow! Do have an apple!”
Tommy (to his chum, when the old lady had departed): “Bill, I think I’ll have my other leg off before she comes next week. I might get a banana!”
NO PROHIBITION THERE
“That’s how we do things in the Army,” said Tommy, pointing to a news heading which bore the word, “Five Hundred Germans Drowned in Champagne.” “Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, I’ll bet.”
“Oh, haven’t we?” retorted his sailor friend. “My lad, that’s nothing to get excited about – nothing at all. In that last little affair along the Belgian coast we sank three German submarines in port!”
CHAFFING EACH OTHER
When Charles Schwab was inspecting the Seattle shipbuilding yards he was accompanied by his friend, Dr. Eaton. Both are eloquent speakers, the crowd always calling for more. It was horse and horse between the two as to which could tell the most impossible story on the other.
One day while addressing a few thousand shipbuilders, Dr. Eaton scored a base hit with this:
“Boys, I’ll tell you something in strict confidence. A few days ago when in Tacoma, Charlie and I went aboard a new ship that was nearly ready to go in service. As we walked along the clean, new deck, Charlie noticed some large lids and wondered what was inside. So the sailors came and lifted the hatch, and when he looked down into the hold he said, ‘Why, the damn thing is hollow!’”
Then Charlie came to bat and told how on leaving Portland “Doc” rushed to him in great excitement with the announcement that he had lost his baggage.
“‘It’s too bad,’ I said. ‘How did it happen?’
“‘Why, the cork came out,’ moaned the Doctor.”
GETTING ON FAST
One day in a French village two soldiers were being served coffee by an old French woman when one of them remarked, “Gee, Bill, this don’t taste like coffee.”
“Ain’t,” answered his companion; “it’s chicory.”
The first soldier looked at him in admiration and said: “Here we only struck this place yesterday and you’re learning the language already.”
NO WONDER HE REBELLED
The Officer (to recruit reported for insubordination, who has refused to enter the swimming pool) – And what have you got to say for yourself?
Recruit – Please, sir, I’ve only been in the navy three days. The first day the doctor drawed two o’ me teeth; the second day I was vaccinated, and now a petty orficer, he says, “Come along! We’re goin’ ter drown yer!”
THEY ALL GET ’EM
Bill is a soldier in France. Several months ago his sweetheart, Dolly, sent him a box of fruit, nuts, etc. Two weeks later she sent a letter and incidentally asked him if he got the goodies. She evidently didn’t write distinctly or Bill didn’t read carefully. To her surprise she received a letter from him saying: “Yes, every soldier gets the cooties.” So much alike, yet so different.
