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LXIII.
GIMBLITS
When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on it. This iz good judgment! this iz!
Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess they are more than ½ right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for him.
It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint happy.
Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole – but other folks kan.
An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a tommyhawk.
I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that she thought waz suitable.
If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a grave-yard.
I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked.
I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks kan.
Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks, – noboddy feels like being sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them.
If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew it.
It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins – but not very profitable.
LXIV.
MORE CORRESPONDENCE
Long Branch, August 24th.
Dear Weekly: – I seaze the opportunity – opportunitys are like pullet's eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time – tew tell yu by letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.
I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean, which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full houses.
The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew go in, and I waz astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "he didn't care."
I think the cuss lied.
It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers.
I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid, and intend to keep so.
Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine."
Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them (several ov them with my hands).
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin.
Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at.
They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion; they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy.
The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble mermaids – half men and half wimmin – and when they emerge from the Atlantic Ocean you kant tell which is who, unless you ask them.
After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum whiskee.
I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life.
I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land, and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.
If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and gone.
Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy don't go, out ov politeness.
Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible.
The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel.
Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey.
The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color.
Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz distinktly visibel to the naked eye.
Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago.
I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged exclusively to write one year for the Ledger, and couldn't spare it. He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.
Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed "the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids."
The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in condition tew travail in the Holy Land.
One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years) screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake.
One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a – lov a snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed himself out ov sight.
Adew.
LXV.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY
The Alligator iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a critter tew be born thare.
He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the copperhead duz.
He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare don't happen tew be a smaller one handy.
He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh.
They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to menshun.
What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew watch for pigs.
Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear them out iz tew heave them away.
Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid ov him.
When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near forgitting – they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than enny other critter i kno ov.
These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about the alligater.
The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out ov what waz left.
I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't; but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself – with a klub.
This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur.
The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the humming bird.
He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt.
He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov little bits ov stix.
He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey.
Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade.
They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at least a half dozen children at a setting.
A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon.
Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt.
They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south.
They are not profitable to eat – i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed.
THE CROW
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank, – thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.
They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the bumble bee.
LXVI.
SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT
The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see yurself thare.
Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for.
I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it, will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3 weeks.
It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu.
I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop.
I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a fiddle.
I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few wurds.
Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments. When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed once.
Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns. If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov himself.
I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it.
We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted.
How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip.
Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't alwus git a good fit.
Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow.
If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew see him carry a goold-headed cane.
The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous.
I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov picking the men.
Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure – ¼ ov an inch.
It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her – so it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff.
LXVII.
THE BUZZERS
Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do, thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious one, than yure whisperer.
I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering.
These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend.
Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated, and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they were not.
They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout, and rejoice as he duz in a good crop.
I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain, that no more inveterate workers kan be found – they are emphatikally the early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them, evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather, and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest circulation that other counterfit munny dus.
I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about four thousand years ago, Envy begot Malice, Malice begot Revenge, and Revenge had twins – one was a common thief and the other was a buzzer.
Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles.
Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin tew spread.
If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least, would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes.
Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree – yu that buzz in petticoats, and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that is – a dreadful mean one.
LXVIII.
MONOGRAFFS
THE PASHIONATE MAN
Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger.
The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight.
These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy.
If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat, whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on their continuation.
But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all.
I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side, that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule.
I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss.
THE ZEALOUS MAN
The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny steam on at all.
His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire; he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm.
Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait, ov course, till his time cum.
Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made.
I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus.
Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons (and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal.
After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is as heavy as enny thing i kno ov.
I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru.
THE GOOD-NATURED MAN
Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born with him.
It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck born, and go into the poeckry bissness.
Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be enny the wiser for it.
Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe and as pleasant as root beer.
The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton.
I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice the means ov grace.
