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XLVIII.
JOSH CORRESPONDS
Percy.– Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)
Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?
(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)
But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north wind.
If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.
When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.
Bulwer.– Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?
If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.
I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.
The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."
The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted in a fu daze."
The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"
Answer, "Wet feet."
The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop running?"
Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"
Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the ice."
Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly and wonderfully made."
Lager.– Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand for hosses on the canal.
Augustus.– Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.
XLIX.
THEM GOOD OLD DAZE
AS LONGED FOR BY JOSH BILLINGS
How i dew long (once in a whyle) for them good old daze.
Them daze when the sun didn't rise before brekfast.
Them daze when thare waz more fun in 30 cents than thare is now in 7 dollars and a half.
Them daze when a man marrid 145 pounds ov woman, and less than 9 pounds (awl told) ov ennything else.
How i dew long for them good old daze, when edukashun only konsissted in what a man did well.
Them daze when deakons waz az austear az hoss radish, and ministers preached tew men's soals instead of their pockets.
Them daze when pollyticks was the excepshun, and honesty the rule.
How i dew long for them good old daze when lap-dorgs and wett nusses warn't known, and when brown bred and baked-goose made a good dinner.
Them daze when a man who want bizzy was watched, and when wimmin spun only that kind ov yarn that was good for the darning ov stockings.
How i dew long for them good old daze when now and then a gal baby was called Jerusha, and a boy want spilte if he was named Jerrymiah.
Aul yee who hav tried the feathers and fuss ov life, who hav had the codfish ov wealth, without sense, stuck under yure noze, cum beneath this tree, and long for an hour with me, for them good old daze when men were ashamed tew be fools, and wimmin were fraid tew be flirts.
N.B. – They used tew maik a milk punch in them daze too, that was very handy tew take.
L.
A HUM TRANSACTION
Mrs. Billings lately becum helpless.
This kalamity was so well published, that the door bel ov the house waz kept on a titter for a week, with "out ov place," "Bridgets," "Margarets," and "Matildys."
From so profuse a crop, it was difficult tew select; each one had a karakter, that would hav lasted an economikal person for life, and each one was az demure az if they were about to take the veil.
They could all bile, and stew – hash, and frigasee, wash, mend, and iron, bake, bru, and starch – in fackt they were perfecktly elaborate, in aul cook and laundry doings, and never staid out ov nights.
For sum reason, (bless the ladys, they never dew ennything without a good reason,) a prodigious emerald selekshun was made from the applicants, happy in the immaculate prefix ov Mary, a queen among pots and kittles, soups, gravy, and compounds.
She could do evrything!
She could sweep without disturbing enny dust; she could bile a dumplin so light, az almost tew disfranchise the long cherished principle ov gravitashun; in fackt, if it was safe tew bet on her, she was a fust-klass kitchin, within a kitchen; "ne plus ultra," a bonny fide "Eureka," – the last one out.
She was sworn in, with the usual serimony ov pinteing out the ways and means, the kittles, and closets, the coal, and cesspool, the pump, and bred tickets, and lots ov other things, in the matter ov nails for this rag, and rags for that nail.
The dinner tew be got up was quite ordnary, and Mrs. Billings, willing tew levy but a light tax upon the almost omniscient cook genius ov the accomplished Mary, suggested for sass, that most simple az well az most agreeable ov aul wheaten kompounds, known amung fluent housewifes, az a "minnit puddin."
"Ah, mum, it will plaze yee's to see me be after makin the puddin."
The mistick hour iz clus at hand, when the platter iz tew smoke in the senter ov the snowy damask; a gentle tap iz herd at the parler door; the glistening Mary relates the vicktory ov meat and vegatables below, and with a plezant pride nestling in her ize, in virgin innocense, asks:
"Now mum, pleze, whare dew yu keep yure minits?"
P.S. – Comment seems tew be almoste unnecessary – but perhaps it will be safe tew add, that, if "ignorance iz bliss," Irish cooks must be the verry broth ov happiness.
LI.
MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER
MILK
I want tew say sumthing, ("in petto.")
I want tew say sumthing, ("entre nous,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.
Milk is spontaneous, ("semper paratus,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("en passant") than enny other liquid.
Milk iz lakteal, ("bizarre;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("errare humanum est.")
Milk iz also misterious, ("Le mot d'énigme,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet.
Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("comme il faut.")
Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.
So iz milk and rum ("Bonne bouche") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("multum in parvo") ("id est," "multum" rum, "in parvo" milk.)
Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("statu quo,") a skum arizes tew the surface, ("passim,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("non sequitur,") that the milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("magnus Apollo.")
Cream iz the parent ("pater familias") ov butter, and butter iz 45 cents a pound, ("ora pro nobis.")
The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("sans doute") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("inter nos,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("coup de main.")
Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("lusus naturæ.")
I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("ultima Thule,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("Quod avertat Deus.")
WHISKEE
Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.
It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.
Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.
Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.
They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow – still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.
A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)
In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.
But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *
BEER
I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.
I never had so much experience, in so short a time.
If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.
If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.
In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.
If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.
Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.
I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.
I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.
LII.
PLUCK
Pluck, tew be ov mutch value, wants tew be instant.
I hav seen plenty ov men who was anxious tew fite an elephant – six miles oph.
How menny ov us hav had our pluck cum tew us next day, and then it want ov enny more use tew us than an epitaff iz tew a ded man.
Pluck iz a normal virtue, and may be made a shining one, az it iz only the tuff substances that will take, and hold a good polish.
I hav seen men who was aul pluck, and nothing else; they are like chestnutt burs, alwus reddy, but only fit for one thing, and that iz not to touch.
Thare iz a pluck that dares tew do nothing but what iz right, and always dares tew do that; this iz pluck built upon reason, and iz virtue enuff for enny one man.
LIII.
FREE LOVE
I beleaf in free fights, espeshila amung cats and doggs.
I beleaf in free rides – on a gate.
I beleaf in freedum for evry slave on arth.
But free love iz one ov them kinds ov fredum, that it don't do tew be limber with.
If this world was the gardin ov Edin, and full ov Adam and Eve, az they was when they was fust launched, then i kan imagine it might do for sum other Adam to hold mi Eve on his lap, and talk about his affinitee, and spiritoal essence, and play lamb.
In them daze, thare want no humin natur, it was all God natur.
Humin natur has bin soaked so mutch sinse, it has got tew weak tew be trusted in a lot whare the feed iz poor, nex tew a meddo, without mutch fence between nor enny poke on.
Free love wants more poke than enny other animal.
I don't believe in total depravity – unless a man has a good chance.
Free love iz a good deal like drinking 6 shilling gin for a bevridge. Bevridge iz a Chinese word, and means cussidness.
Aul the free love i hav witnessed thus far, has existed between a villainous letcher on one side, and lunatick virtue on the other side, that had bin deoderized out ov its truth, and had lost aul ov its modesty, and shame, in hunting after a condishun, whare sin ceazed tew be a crime.
The fust free lover we hav enny akount ov, was the devil.
LIV.
FAST MEN
I hav alwus loved "Fast men;" not those who are fast in their morals, but the sudden kind, those who think fast, and ackt fast.
I never knu a verry slow Amerikan who amounted tew ennything.
Put a man onto an island, (like Nova Scosha,) and he will learn how tew be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while he will just straighten the chain, that's all.
But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a good gait.
Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.
Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make most ov the good hits that are made.
It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto sumboddy's picket fence.
Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.
I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt, driven bi steam?
Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for at 40 miles the rock may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz sartin tew be.
I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.
"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.
LV.
JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS
"Benvolio." – In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the 16th sentry.
The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without cuming tew a head.
He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew head out.
In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.
His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous.
Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.
Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified.
Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an oyster.
I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took the New York Weekly.
I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.
Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't pay for eating.
A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.
The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts.
This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up solid.'
P.S. – I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.
