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XXII.
LAUGHING

It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy – the eloquense ov childhood, – and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. – Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. – It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. – It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. – It never iz covetous. – It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty. – It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment. – Sum have kalled it a weakness – a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance. – It holds the mirror up tew beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty's bundles. – It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. – It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase. – It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy. – It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Pardise.

XXIII.
LYING

As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told.

I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself by telling black ones.

Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly tew sweet sider.

Lieing is the lowest grade of sin, – it is more cowardly than stealing, bekause thare is less risk in it – it is more demoralising than burglary, bekause there is no cure for it, – it is more dangerous than swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else, – it waz the fust sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie.

Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks, – so is the itch constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't doktor for it after they git caught by it.

Finally – I might as well own it – I hav told a few very fair lies myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now.

XXIV.
PERKUSSION CAPS

I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt.

Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustatch.

Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say – bring him up the back way.

It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well dus.

We are told "that an honest man is the noblest work ov God" – but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.

Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.

If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.

Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite thru the hole.

Buty is like a ranebow – full ov promis, but short lived.

It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv them the butt end ov the trade.

Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are this – "No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the spit."

Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills. – I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet and chissell.

The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the sider brandy alone.

"Give me liberty, or giv me deth" – but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.

XXV.
ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE

Monday. – Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2 luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several letters ov grate moment.

Tuesday. – Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg. Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as follers:

Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say "that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.

Wednesday. – Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver." Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.

Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm, and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it," and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing, that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell the truth at the same time.

Thursday. – Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw, and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road; enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the remark.

Friday. – Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.

She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying, "she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to* * * *;" I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.

Saturday. – Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.

Saturday Night, haf past 10. – Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly: – Dear Sir, I have red yure kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull critick, that is a grate willingness tew damn, but yu lack entirely another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a dam. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor damn crittick.

Yure Lover,

Josh Billings.

XXVI.
AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY

VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS

Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.

I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the present day among the nashuns ov the earth.

But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar privileges ov an aristokrasy.

We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles – the moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.

Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as follers:

The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth just what their hides will bring.

The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man trieing tew walk a krack.

The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them smell ov greatness.

Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing up the same pole.

Moral – Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.

XXVII.
LOVE

The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only good thing it dus.

Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the holyest ov virtues.

But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.

Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as uncorked ginger pop dus.

Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.

And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.

These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness on.

There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.

I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.

If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for our latitude.

XXVIII.
THE GAME OF YEWKER

This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.

It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.

I never play yewker.

I never would learn how, out ov principle.

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.

XXIX.
NOW AND THEN

In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with energee tew execute it; now they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."

In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the chances; now, they "let her rip."

Then, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; now, they smile aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.

Then, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; now, they "cave in," "squeal," or "absquat."

Then, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel wagers; now, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."

Then, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; now, in 2 forti, under a strong pull.

Then, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; now, too oftin a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.

Then, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be humbell before God; now, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured, by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping infant.

Then, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots; now, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the chambers ov deadly revolvers.

Then, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters were diplomas; now, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges, watching for the falling ov a crumb.

Then, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20 summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in them; now, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits the eager fruit.

Then, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good; now, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume.

Then, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality supplied them; now, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.

Then, men ware solisituss about their karakters; now, about their pedigrees.

Then, they found health at hum; now, they hunt for it bi travell.

Finally – if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness, would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus ensews when fools and sages meet.

XXX.
OATS

Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did so well – it has developed the phools.

The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount – John Burch." I had rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.

Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one thing – they seldom mistake it fur brains.

Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.

If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.

I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a spring, instead ov the outlet.

Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.

If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.

Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.

Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal ov the sile with the roots.

Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the side ov a trout brook – aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.

It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a fellow. A good grip is better than rubis – yea! than mutch fine cotten cloth.

I enjoy a good laff – one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface, as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.

Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank verse.

When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral as though he wos setting fur his picktur.

I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov narrow humorists in the country without me.

Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other sharks with.

Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.

XXXI.
WATERFALLS

I rather like waterfalls.

I kant tell why, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile – but kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.

I don't like laziness ov no sort – not even in muskeeters.

I want my muskeeters lively.

But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.

I like waterfalls – they are so eazy and natural.

They attack all the sex.

Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like a siege, working up slowly.

I saw one yesterday.

It want no bigger than a small French turnup.

It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.

She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.

The effeck was purely eclectick.

I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.

She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A," worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.

I asked a bystander how he could account for that.

He said "it waz younger."

I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.

She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.

She swept the streets like a thing of life.

Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.

Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.

Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.

It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds ov glass.

It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare the supervizors meet.

But i rather like waterfalls.

It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error, for they don't show no leak yet.

In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I say – "Vive la Bag-a-tale."