Читать книгу: «Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings», страница 8
LXXIII.
A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK
In a little town awa out wes whar i used tew liv, thare wast two elders resided. One ov them wast a Babtiss, Gaffit bi name, and the other wast a Methodis, Sturgiss bi name, and both ov them wast as good fellers as ever sarved the Lord. As good luk wud hav it tha both had a revival ov religion in their floks at the same time. Gaffit was a cunning critter, besides being as harmless as the duv. Thare was but one pond in the town, and that was used for babtizing by agreement, on wensday ov each week, bi Gaffit, and on saturday bi Sturgiss. One wensday, as Gaffit was engaged in marking his sheep, or in uther wurds, was bi the side ov the little pond ov water adminstering the rite ov babtism tew a goodla number, whom he had coaxed awa from the wiles ov the devil, Sturgiss looked in upon the happy scene, with eys brimful ov luv. Amung the menny who ware waiting tew be babtized, Sturgiss diskovered sevral whom he had convikted, and whom he expekted tew add tew his flok on the cumming saturda. The nex da the two elders met, Sturgiss charged Gaffit with the pious fraud he had detekted bi the side ov the little pond. Gaffit's eyes puckered with delite, as he listened tew the charge, then seezin the methodis elder bi the hand with an extra pucker in his eye, whispered: "Brother Sturgiss, mi father larnt me when i was but a little fisher-boy, tew string mi fish as fast as i ketched 'em."
LXXIV.
AT SARATOGA SPRINGS
I arrived here nite before last at arly kandle lite. Mi wife and 2 children ackompanyed me. The fust thing that i did was tu call for a tavern; i got one immegiately, and took a room, from choice, in the Seventh story, all the rooms above wer took. The tavern whare i stop, is called the Union, one, and inseprable. The bar is stocked with the choicest lickers. Thare must be 3 or 4 hundred black serviants here, tha all wear white aporns, and hav their hair curled clos. The tavern keeper rings a gong with a klub when the vittles is reddy, and then the boarders march in; 'tis a moste effecting site! I havent et ennything yet but briled chickens. I gess evry body here knows me, tha look at me so. I kreated a sensashun yesterday after dinner, on the front stupe ov the tavern, by calling a cullard servant tu pick mi teeth. I herd one ov the ladys sa, "i was an English Lord, she had saw me at Nuport laste seson." I shall sta here as long as i can injuce mi females tu remain. This is the place where the congriss water cums from; tha dip it up out ov a hole in the ground, with a roof over it, you can drink 4 or 5 tumblers ov it tu onst, without swallering; it tastes a good deal like sumthing i never tasted before, and it operates on the inwards for all the world, just like pills. It dus look so funny tu see 8 or 9 hundred mails, and femails, all taking fisick tu once; 'tis a pensiv sight! The town kontains about 6 thousand folks, and about as menny more individuals; the individuals spend their time going up and down the back stairs and taking fisick. The natur ov the sile around here is sandy, and pine trees, about half and half. Thare is a rase course here, built in a sircile, whare tha make hosses go round and round; tis delitesum tu behold! Three miles out east of the village tha hav built a fashionable pond; evrybody goes thare tu spend their munny; tha ask 8 cents a glass for their whiska! The sosietah here is permiskus, blaklegs and deakons, divines and pugerlistics, judges and jockeys, congressmen and harlots, devils and Quakers, so judciously mixed up, 'tis food for the filosopick mind. A grate menny young wimmin are brought here annually tu git married; the kourting is all did by the mothers, in fac the wimmin du it all here excep pay the bills. A man at Saratoger don't hav enny more tu sa, or du, than an old gander dus when a goose is setting. The citizens ov this place hav onla one kind ov religion or pollyticks, and that is congriss water. I kant rite enny more just now, i hav got tu go down stairs.
Aju, Josh Billings.
LXXV.
SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES
We beleaf in ardent spirits – sich az charitee, parsaveranse, and patrotism. We beleaf in animil spirits – sich az fast hosses, vigerous cats, and ambishus rat terriers. We beleaf in the spirits ov 76 – sich az ole Jamaka, and Santa Cruize, jist a little for the rumatiz. We beleaf in the evidence ov departed spirits, a good deal – sich az temprance houses, lemonade picknix, and water kure establishments. We beleaf in the spirits of just men – but beleaf they ar skase. We beleaf in the spirit ov revenge – if a muskeeter bites you without provocation, kill awl the muskeeters, nex ov kin, in the naberhood. We beleaf in the spirit ov forgiveness – if we owe a man, and we won't pay him, let him forgiv the det.
LXXVI.
JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN"
Dear Doktor Hirsute: – I reseaved a tin cup ov yure "Hair purswader," also a bottle ov yure "Salvashum Bitters", bi express, for which, I express my thanks. The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand. Yur hair greese, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time. I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew az long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful! 'tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it. I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz young, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. I thought I would just rob the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes. The consequents waz, sum ov the "purswader" got onto the hair ov the cat's tale. When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Mozes! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale. I wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her. In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
Dear Doktor, the fact iz, "sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them." Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. You are a kind ov vegatable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry. It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your "Salvashun Bitters" a "vegatabel tonicks," although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. The peopel must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you. Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter. Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are awl these without whiskee. Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up. Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az "Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.
Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.
N. B. – Bizziness, Doctor, iz bizziness. The hi prise ov material, and laber, haz put up puffs with us, but upon the reseipt ov 50 Dollars more, yu kan rely upon sumthing, in our weekly, that will send "Salvashun, and Purswashun" whirling thru the land.
P. S. – Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the "Salvashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
Yures quietly,Josh Billings.
LXXVII.
PROVERBS
He who buys begrudgingly, pays the higest prise and gits nothing that sutes him.
It iz jist about az mutch mizery tew want a dimond ring, as tew want a shirt.
The author who rites for bred, wil giv hiz reeders a taste ov emptins.
I never knu a fool who hadn't a good voice.
Thieves hunt in couples, but a liar has no accomplice.
Az men gro older, their opinyuns, like their disseazes, grow kronick.
Wimmin luv their hustbands, but tha worship their bonnets.
The man who kant liv a week on hope, and then maik a harty meal on the result is no philozopher.
I often cum akross inidividoals, quite oftenly, who think tha hav never committed enny sins or indiscreshuns in this life, such people i pitty, for they wont kno when they git to heaven.
Az a gineral thing, if yu want tew git at the truth ov a perlitikal argyment, hear both sides and beleave neither.
Thare iz a multitude of folks who mean well enuff but how like the devel tha act.
Opportunitays, like eggs don't kum but one at a time.
I luv to gaze upon a hily eddikated and intilektooal woman, but I kant sa that I want tew belong tew one ov this klass.
True honour iz a keen perception ov what iz rite, falze honour iz a keen affectashun ov what iz rong.
"Giv the devil hiz due," reads wel enuff in a proverb, but mi friend what will bekum ov you and me if this arrangement iz carried out?
If yu are happy, dont proklaim it tew the world, the world dont luv tew hear about sich things.
A jest iz sumthing that a fule admires, and a wize man laffs at.
Vartue that haint bin tempted, and wine that haint bin tasted, iz verry good vartue, and verry good wine, in bottles.
Thare iz jist this difference between a fule and a hen, the fule cackels before, and the hen not till after the egg iz lade.
LXXVIII.
DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL
Tew sarve up cowcumbers – pick them when the dew is on them, pare them neatly, slice them thin, add salt and let them stand for 60 minnitts, pepper them freely, add good sharpe vinegar, and then – raze up the window carefully, and throw them out.
Tew make watermelons the old fashioned wa – steal them bi moonlite, and eat them in the next lot.
Lobsters want tew be boiled whole till they are ded, pour ice cream over them, send for the docktor, eat them before going tu bed, and tell yure friends the next da, that yu hav bin threatened with an attak ov the – rebbels.
Tew remove goose pimples – skin the goose.
Tew kure hams – bathe them in Hostetter's Bitters.
Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go – travel that wa yourself.
LXXIX.
FAKS
Josh Billings, begs leaf tu state:
That onions are good for a bad breth.
That Rockawa clams are a good opening for enny yung man.
That ships are kalled she bekauze tha alwus keep a man on the lookout.
That "turning water into wine" is a mirakle in theze days worth, at least, 300 per cent.
That boys aint ap to turn out well who dont git up till 10 o'clock in the morning.
That, if a man is agoing tu make a bizness ov sarving the Lord, he likes tu see him du it when he measures up onions as well as when he hollers glory halleluyer!
That wisdum aint nothing more than edikated cunning.
LXXX.
ON LECTURES
Dec. 9, 1864
I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people holler. The way things look now, i think i shall be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months, and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor, for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years. I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers: "Dear sur – Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars – if yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings."
I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but tragediz are gitting so common, now a daze, that yu kan git them done, and warrented, for 25 dollars. Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional effort tew be witty.
I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight. Remember me kindly tew Reub Fenton, when yu see him. – I also reseaved 2 letters bi to daez male, which i will let yu answer for me; thru yure valuable collums. – One ov them is from an individoal, who sines his name "Hennery," and tuther is from a person bi the name ov "Mirakle."
Hennery: – The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffitt in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day. Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze, – thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a genral thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up the garden. Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed. Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and – take it in egg.
Mirakle: – Yu sa "yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner". I dont serpoze that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for the whale tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders, tew swaller the mirakel. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse tew a petroleun grease company.
LXXX.
YANKEE NOSHUNS
The noshun that skule houzens are cheaper than stait prizens.
The noshun that men are a better krop tew raize than enny thing else.
The noshun that the whole wurld is the markit for a man's wits.
The noshun that a people who hav branes enuff kant be governed bi enny body but themselfs.
The noshun that if yu kant make a man think az yu do; try and make him do az yu think.
The noshun that the United States iz liable at any time tew be doubled, but aint liable at enny time tew be divided.
The noshun that Uncle Sam kan thrash hiz own children when tha need it, and kan thrash the hole wurld besides.
The noshun that Yankees are a fourordained rase, and kant be kept from spredding, and striking in, enny more than turpentine kan when it once gits luce.
LXXXII.
ATTENTION! SQUAD!
Men kalkulate with perfek accurasy, the rate ov speed attained bi earthly boddys, and ov moste matter, whether sublunary, or ov a heavenly natur. They tell us how long a ra ov light is on the way from the sun – how fass a comet travels – the best time that lightning can make – when the stars visit, and how long they are about it – the fraktional lapse kontained in the hop ov a flea – the flite ov a swallow – the velosity ov sound, and the smartness ov a hurrycane. They kan tell us how long it takes old Borus, after he leaves his cave, to reach this earth, and button up the coats ov shivring mortals. But i hav sarched their theorys and ransacked their mathematicks in vain, tew diskover the haste ov a Slander. But we kno ov nothing, on the earth, or above it, that equals it in quickness. It travels as well in the dark, as in the light – knows no law ov gravitashun, nor ov heat, or cold – is not traceable, or definable – has no parentage, and frequently no objek – is not matter, nor an essence – may fly in the glance ov an eye, or be felt in the point ov a finger – is the pet ov almost evry one – can hav the ear when charity, love, and the delikate pashuns, plead in vain – is everywhare in an instant – feeds upon nothing but sweet things, has more friends than truth, is a lie, faster than the wings ov the wind, and twin racer to thought – steals into the sakred pulpit – at midnite, robs the chaste maiden ov the ruddy truth in her cheeks – hangs sackcloth upon the manly form ov honesta – cums in a whisper – is misterious as an echo – will betray for a prise – has made kings tremble – has dried up the warm pulse ov hope, and driven modesta shreeking away – is a skorpion, invisible, but full ov madness, and menny stings. Who kan tell its whereabouts? Who can rate its speed? Who kan annylize its meanness? Who has not listened tew its preshious falsehoods? and who will not, with me, pronounse it a renegade, the common enemy ov humanitee? and who that kan shoot flieing, will not help tew bring down the base bird? Attenshun, squad!
LXXXIII.
THE FUST BABY
The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy – an event ov mutch gladness. Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours – to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you – to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you – tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest – tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys – a feast ov the harte. Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed – tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about "Willie" – tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips – tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plezzure. Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure – tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. Tew look upon the trak that life takes – tew see the sunshine and shower – tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust – tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes – tiz this – oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
LXXXIV.
LAUGHING
Laughing is strikly an amuzement, altho some folks make a bizzness ov it. It haz bin considered an index ov karakter, and thare iz sum, so close at reasoning, that they say, they kan tell what a man had for dinner, by seeing him laff. I never saw two laff alike. While thare are some, who dont make enny noise, thare are sum, who dont make ennything but noise; and sum agin, who hav musik in their laff, and others, who laff just az a rat duz, who haz caught a steel trap, with his tale. Thare is no mistake in the assershun, that it is a cumfert tew hear sum laffs, that cum rompin out ov a man's mouth, just like a distrik school ov yung girls, let out tew play. Then agin thare iz sum laffs, that are az kold and meaningless az a yesterday's bukwheat pancake, – that cum out ov the mouth twisted, and gritty, az a 2 inch auger, drawed out ov a hemlok board. One ov these kind ov laffs haz no more cumfert in it than the – stummuk ake haz, and makes yu feel, when yu hear it, az though yu waz being shaved bi a dull razer, without the benefit ov soap, or klergy. Men who never laff may have good hearts, but they are deep seated, – like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim. I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it. It iz true that enny kind ov a laff iz better than none, – but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks, – then steals bak, with a smile, to its lair, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey, – this it is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade
