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XXII.
SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS
I think the fools do more hurt in this world than the raskals.
The prinsipal differense between a luxury and a necesaary iz, the prise.
Awl men hav cunning, and sum men hav wisdum.
If I aint mistaken, the best wa tew git religion, iz tew git honesta, and truth, and a sprinklin ov morality fust, and see how they agree with us.
What a man spends in this life, he saves: what he dont git want ment for him, and what he saves, he loozes.
Fame iz like a crop ov kanada thissells, very eazy tew sow, but hard tew reap.
"Familiarity breeds contempt." this iz so – jist as soon az we git familiarized with castor ile, for instance we contempt it.
Life is short, but it iz long enuff to ruin enny man who wants tew be ruined.
When the soul iz in grief, it iz taking root, and when it iz in smiles, it iz taking wing.
The grate art in writing well, iz tew kno when tew stop.
Every time yu forgive a man yu weaken him, and strengthen yurself.
Mi private opinion iz, that i should prefer boned fish tew boned turkey.
"Giv the devil his due," but be very kerful that thare aint mutch due him.
It haz bin obsarved, "that corporashuns haint got enny souls." Thare iz excepshuns tew this rule, for i kno ov several that hav got the meanest kind ov souls.
After a man has rode fast onse, he never wants tew go slow agin.
"Sparks fly upward." Old maids will pleaze make a note ov this.
"What will it proffit a man, if he gain the whole wurld, and loze his own soul? i answer, nothing: but thare are cases, whare thare wouldn't be enny loss tew speek ov.
"Think twice before yu speak onse," but don't think, "d – n it."
Thare iz onla one thing that i blame Adam for, and that iz, when he had the onla woman on arth, he didn't git her warranted.
XXIII.
FASHION
Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu obtuze.
Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto. – After fashuns hav had their da, then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold vittels for instanze.
Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.
Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing, and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy. Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the noble, adopt fashun jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla bekause it iz the fashun.
It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da. I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.
The essa is thru.
XXIV.
REMARKS
Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.
"Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance, which will yu hav?
Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats on the left side ov a baked goose.
If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.
When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell tu mutch ov wisdom; and when his hed gits down into his harte, his wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.
I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a false buzzum.
Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.
Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles – short, sharp, and shiny.
The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their turns at killing ever sinse.
Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.
"Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra heds that the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze matters.
XXV.
PROVERBIAL PIG
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur. His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse. He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness. As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.
XXVI.
PROVERBS
Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5 thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.
A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.
Matches, ma be made in heavin, but tha ar ginerally sold down here.
Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta, the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.
A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is —is, all that kan be sed on the subjec.
Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.
Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.
The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat, haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.
Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.
The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.
Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.
XXVII.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
Bolivar.– Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best. Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv centiment, but widders luv muscle.
Fanny.– Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller them hull, tha are ap tu make yure breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let him du it.
David.– The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.
Citizen.– I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis. Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil; and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing." Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.
Richard.– Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.
Gipsey.– I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a board, and la it awa up garrett.
XXVIII.
PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY
Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.
A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu walk a krack.
Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.
Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin as rich men.
When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.
Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.
A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu jersa clams.
"Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.
He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.
I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.
If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu tendin a retale dri good store.
Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a little lower ever sinse.
The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli time.
When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had bin greased for the okashun.
I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big.
The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.
Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.
Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.
We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.
XXIX.
A FU REMARKS
Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.
I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud rather tri a revolver on him fust.
It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune backwards.
I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."
The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the third iz tu – steal agin.
Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz boddy, gives an appetite.
I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.
Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country, that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund and third husbands.
N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.
XXX.
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY
Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.
Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
XXXI.
CLEVER FELLOWS
It is perfectly astounding how full ov clever fellows the world iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets, reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches, reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew, next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu! confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden. – Yu can find them reddy tew indorse yure paper, yesterday, for awl the munny in the institushun. Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them, az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to step on their tales.
XXXII
AFFERISIMS
God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin.
Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.
We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and muskeeters, waz wasted.
If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just as good a chanse az a wize man.
True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers; false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.
Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.
If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a dove.
We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who do.
It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool – a man kan be one and not know it.
Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it duz, in what he dont want.
Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.
Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.
XXXIII.
ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS
Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:
TO CONTRIBUTORS
"I Hear an Angell Whispre," by Clemantha. – Theze lines contain more poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha; rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint never bin rit onto.
"Slavery, ordained ov God," bi A. D. P.– This produckshion we cant accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand "enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P. mite stand for A. D – m Phule, and we aint a doing enny bizness with them kind not if we are credibly informed.
"On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters," bi Clarense. – Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar puff.
"Epitaff on a friend," bi Emeline Parsons. – Epitaffs are played out with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.
"Essa on Hurrykanes," bi Tempest Jun'. – Wil appear jist az soon az the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a personal intervu.
