Читать книгу: «As Luck Would Have It»

Chapter 1

This is not how my life was meant to be.

How is it that at 32 years old, I’ve somehow wound up in my childhood bedroom? I’m sitting at the same desk where I revised for my GCSEs and I’ve been ticking off a to-do list compiled in a pink sparkly notebook I discovered gathering dust in the back of a drawer. My bedroom is like a museum exhibit entitled ‘the habitat of a 13-year-old girl’. It’s frozen in time. There’s a Take That poster on the wall, for goodness’ sake! And not one from their reunion tours, a genuine Take That poster from back when the band was young. When I was young. God, I feel like such a relic.

I cross out the last item on my to-do list – ‘Send Katy press cuttings’ – with a long satisfying swipe of my purple glitter pen. Did I mention that I’m using a glitter pen? It’s one of those ones with a random tuft of fur at the end. That’s just how I roll. Katy is a celebrity make-up artist and she’s one of my clients, because believe it or not, I run a fashion and beauty PR agency. And no, I haven’t always run a PR agency from the comfort of my childhood bedroom. I’m not a total freak. I used to have an office in Camden in this seriously cool co-working space filled with tech geniuses, cutting-edge fashion designers, artisan coffee sellers and general hipster entrepreneurs. And then there was me. Not quite hipster, but not quite geek. A businesswoman. Unlike a few of the people there who rolled in at midday and ‘brainstormed’ over team-building games of ping pong, I was really committed. But then shit hit the fan. And now I’m back at home, living in a terraced house with my mum in the quaint Surrey village where I grew up, and instead of a cool Camden office with shabby chic exposed brick walls and co-workers lounging around on expensive bean bags, I’m surrounded by wallpaper printed with tiny hedgehogs wearing aprons (not even joking) and the closest thing I have to colleagues is a row of Beanie Babies lined up on the windowsill, their colours having faded from decades in the sun.

When I say shit hit the fan, what I really mean is my ex, Leroy, cheated on me with a girl from the gym where we met. In fact, Leroy wasn’t just my ex, he was my ex-fiancé. Even saying his name makes me cringe. Leroy. What was I thinking going for a guy called Leroy? Did I really think I could marry him? Imagine standing at the altar saying, ‘I take thee, Leroy, to be my lawfully wedded husband’. Bleurgh. His name was obviously a red flag. Everything about him was a red flag actually, from the tattoo of Dr Dre on his shoulder to the way he made these horrendous grunting noises when he did bench presses like he was experiencing some kind of demonic possession. And then there was his ridiculous job as a furniture upcycler, which essentially involved buying old chests of drawers for a tenner from car boot sales, painting them blue and then selling them on for a five quid profit to someone who probably needed to go to Specsavers. Okay, maybe I’m being a bit harsh. Sometimes Leroy made a ten-pound profit. Sometimes even fifteen. Basically, he wasn’t exactly going places. And yet somehow (I blame pheromones) that didn’t matter to me. I decided that his furniture upcycling was trendy and cool and creative. I told my friends that he ‘wasn’t really an office person’ which, looking back on it, was just a nice way of saying he was pretty much unemployable. I’d stress how Leroy ‘liked to work with his hands’ as though he were an artisanal god. Ha. Artisanal he was not. A god he was definitely not. But he did like to work with his hands. He loved that. He certainly loved working his hands on Lydia – the annoyingly chipper personal trainer he started seeing while we were still together.

I know I sound bitter but I’m not. I mean, not that much. Okay, a bit – but can you blame me? I thought Leroy was the one. I was willing to overlook a Dr Dre tattoo for crying out loud! It didn’t matter because we were together. We were in love. We were going places. Leroy moved into my flat and somehow –through many frenzied sexual encounters and a lack of respect for reproductive biology – I ended up pregnant. P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. When I saw those two red lines, I knew this was a problem that had to be solved. When you’ve spent your entire adult life avoiding pregnancy, that’s just how you see it, right? At least you do when you’re me and the only experience you’ve ever had of looking after something living is the time you bought a Venus flytrap and managed to kill it within two weeks. I ran through my options:

 Morning-after pill (probably too late)

 Abortion (eek)

 Buy another test in the hope that this one was faulty (fingers crossed)

I ran to the shop and bought another test, but the damn thing wasn’t faulty. I was pretty sure it was too late for the morning-after pill so that left me with one option: an abortion. Abortion. Even the word made me shudder, but I braced myself to talk to Leroy about it. We’d get through it together.

But then that annoying furniture upcycler went and upcycled my mind, didn’t he? He turned me from an IKEA desk – good for work, reliable, decent and functional – to a rainbow-coloured child’s table, that with a few clicks and manoeuvres could turn into a cot. In Leroy’s eyes, I could become multi-purpose, a businesswoman and a mum. He made me feel like anything was possible. As long as we were together – a team – we could make it work. The timing wasn’t ideal, but we’d find a way.

To begin with, it was all going swimmingly. Leroy was so excited about our baby coming that he started buying the most adorable things – miniature Converse trainers, a tiny tracksuit, a rattle. He even came to antenatal classes with me without grumbling, and I started to feel like this pregnancy might be a gift. The catalyst needed to give my life and mine and Leroy’s relationship a bit more substance. Until then, I’d just been a businesswoman and a party girl, and I thought that with the arrival of a baby, my life might start to mean something more. And then Leroy proposed and even though it wasn’t the most epic proposal ever (a cheapish ring presented midway through eating a calzone at Pizza Express), I still felt like everything was starting to work out. That all the pieces of my life were coming together like a completed jigsaw. But then suddenly, pretty much overnight, Leroy’s whole attitude changed, and he became completely hands off. Literally. He stopped wanting to come anywhere near me in the bedroom. He said he felt weird about ‘disturbing the baby’. I mean, he was well-endowed but not disturbing-the-baby-by-piercing-my-womb big. I could tell it was about more than that.

Leroy quit coming to the antenatal classes. He stopped buying things for our baby. He stopped hanging out at my flat like he’d been doing the whole time we’d been together and went back to his tiny studio, claiming he ‘had a ton of work’, but there’s only so much time you can spend upcycling furniture. When that excuse got old and I asked him to come home, he said he ‘was feeling under the weather’. I didn’t know what was going on, but I desperately missed him, so one evening, I dragged my pregnant arse over to his place, with a carrier bag filled with Lemsip, Jaffa Cakes (his favourites) and even a box of gourmet cupcakes, only to find Leroy wasn’t under the weather at all. He was under Lydia. Leroy had forgotten that he’d left a spare key at my place and when he didn’t answer the front door, I assumed he might be too ill in bed. I burst into his flat and headed to his bedroom, only to find him having such wild passionate sex that he clearly hadn’t even registered my knock at the door. It took so long for him to notice my presence in the room that I began to feel like I was witnessing some kind of live sex show, and gawping in horror throughout the whole thing. Finally, Leroy spotted me and sprung apart from Lydia – but our relationship was over. I yanked the cheap ugly engagement ring he’d given me off my finger and flung it in his face. That was when it first dawned on me: I was going to be a single mum.

‘Natalieeeee!’ My mum’s voice bellows up the stairs now, interrupting my thoughts, which is probably a good thing since they weren’t exactly going to the best places.

‘Yes?’ I call back. The fact that my mum and I are still communicating like this – down a staircase in a similar way to how she used to call me down for dinner – is a little cringeworthy. Okay, it’s really cringe-worthy, but my mum’s been a life-saver recently. She let me move in with her when I realised I couldn’t cope with looking after my baby alone while trying to keep my business going. And living rent-free at home has allowed me to save up for a deposit so that my daughter and I can have our own little home at some point.

‘Come down here!’ she shrieks.

‘Okay!’ I call back, placing my glitter pen on the desk, before heading downstairs.

My mum’s got my daughter Hera downstairs and it’s been a few hours since I saw her, which is a long time for me. Even if Leroy turned out to be a complete waste of space, I have to give him credit for helping me make the World’s Most Perfect Baby. My little Hera is adorable, and I’m not just saying that because I’m her mum. She really is a gorgeous baby. She has the biggest brownest eyes, the longest lashes, a cute button nose and the prettiest little rosebud lips. She’s so uniquely beautiful that I wanted to give her a unique name. I chose Hera because it’s the name of the queen of the Greek gods – a powerful, strong, leading woman, just like I want my baby to grow up to be.

I head into the kitchen and immediately spot Hera sitting in her highchair, playing with her favourite toy – a teddy that somewhere along the line was dubbed ‘Mr Bear’.

‘Hello angel!’ I coo, giving her a kiss on the head.

Hera immediately drops Mr Bear and reaches out for a hug. My heart melts. It never gets old. I pick her up and hold her close to my chest, rubbing her back and bouncing her up and down while she plays with my hair. It’s only then that I notice that my mum is leaning against the kitchen counter fully made up and wearing a party frock she bought last week from TK Maxx. It’s pink, embroidered with gold fuchsias, and she was incredibly happy to get it for 70 per cent off. She’s munching on a cracker with brie, carefully cupping one of her hands under it so the crumbs don’t fall on her dress.

‘How come you’re wearing that?’ I ask, gesturing at her dress and noticing her face of full make-up. She’s gone all out with blue eyeshadow, lashings of mascara, blusher and bright red lipstick.

‘It’s Mick’s fundraiser!’ my mum says through a mouthful of cracker. ‘Remember?’

‘What?’ I head over to the counter and take a cracker from the open packet on the side.

‘Mick’s fundraiser. At the village hall?’ My mum eyes me expectantly, as though waiting for the penny to drop but I have no idea what she’s talking about.

‘Remember? We’re going!’ My expression is blank. ‘Oh Natalie! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten? Baby brain isn’t meant to hang round for a year after you give birth!’ She tuts, reaching for another cracker.

I roll my eyes indulgently. ‘Seriously Mum, I have no idea what you’re talking about. What fundraiser?’

‘Down the village hall. Mick’s annual fundraiser for Cancer Research. It’s been happening every year since you were 12. Held on the anniversary of his wife’s passing. Maggie, remember? The fifth of May. Ring a bell?’

‘Oh that,’ I reply, finally realising what she’s on about.

Mick has been our neighbour my whole life. He lives just a few doors down in a narrow terraced house just like ours. Our village is incredibly close-knit. Chiddingfold is a small place. There are only a few thousand residents and most of us know each other or know someone who knows someone we know. Sadly, Mick’s wife Maggie died from breast cancer around twenty years ago and Mick has been organising a charity fundraiser every year since in her memory. The whole community gets together in the village hall. There’s a buffet, drinks, an auction of donated items, a disco, and one year there was even a talent show for the kids. It’s a great event and it’s certainly been going on for a long time, but it’s hardly the highlight of my social calendar. It’s not exactly been at the forefront of my mind.

‘You used to love that fundraiser!’ my mum reminds me as I chew my cracker and feed a little bit to Hera.

She’s right. I used to love the fundraiser. I used to love the cake stand selling the prettiest cupcakes ever, the most chocolatey brownies and the fluffiest, most delicious Victoria sponge. The village hall would always be decked out with streamers and bunting and there’d be a massive bowl of non-alcoholic fruit punch for the kids and real punch for the adults. I used to love the disco, which was overseen by a Rick, a guy who worked at the Spar but doubled up as ‘DJ Bubble’ for the fundraiser. His rousing catchphrase was ‘DJ Bubble, you’re in trouble!’ which we all loved when we were kids even though, looking back, it was totally awful. He’d play what I used to think were the best sets ever but were probably just the top tracks from Now That’s What I Call Music 6. One year there was even a smoke machine. Oh, and there was a raffle that everyone used to get so excited about. I used to love the raffle, even though the best thing I ever won was a John Lewis spatula.

‘Yeah, I did love that fundraiser, Mum, but the last time I went I was a kid! How am I meant to remember the dates of events I haven’t been to for nearly two decades?’ I ask exasperatedly before shovelling another cracker into my mouth.

‘It was on the calendar,’ my mum comments, nodding towards the calendar on the wall, where in red marker pen in today’s box are the scrawled words ‘Mick’s fundraiser’.

‘Right, so I’m supposed to just check the calendar every day to see if there are events I’m meant to be going to?’

‘Umm, yes love, that is what calendars are for!’ My mum laughs.

I love my mum but she’s impossible sometimes.

‘You could have told me, Mum. You know, reminded me or something. Verbally?’ I suggest.

She simply shrugs. ‘Oh well, I forgot.’ She looks at her watch. It’s a gold and silver bracelet-style one she always wears for special occasions. ‘We’d better head off. It starts in half an hour.’

‘Mum, I can’t go! What about Hera?’ I remind her, stroking Hera’s head.

‘She’s coming with us, love! Mick’s included loads of prizes in the raffle this year for baby stuff. There’s a baby rocker up for grabs. Even a baby forklift truck. Hera might win!’

‘Hera has a rocker!’ I point out. ‘And she doesn’t need a forklift truck!’

My mum just shrugs. ‘It’ll still be a fun outing!’

‘I don’t know, Mum, Hera will get tired. You know what she’s like after late nights,’ I remind her. Hera can get pretty loud and cranky the following day if she doesn’t get a good night’s sleep.

‘We’ll put her in her buggy, she can relax, and then we’ll duck out early. We don’t have to stay for the disco! Oh come on, Natalie, Hera can handle a little outing. And it would do you good as well,’ she says, giving me a pointed look as I grab another cracker.

Ever since I moved back home, my mum’s been on at me to get out more, and it’s not that I’m anti-social, but I honestly don’t see how I can. I have a business to run and when I’m not working, I’m taking care of Hera. My mum offers to babysit but she already looks after Hera while I’m working, and I feel bad asking her to do any more. She only recently retired from her job as a nursery school teacher and I don’t think spending more time with small children was quite what she expected from retirement. And anyway, she has a life too. A few years ago, she started seeing the landlord of the pub down the road – a good-natured divorcé called Tim and they’re totally smitten with each other. My dad upped sticks when I was little and moved to the French alps to start a new life as a ski instructor and I know it’s taken my mum a very long time to trust a man again. I should probably have been a bit damaged too, but I was so young that I don’t really have many memories of my dad and you don’t miss someone you’ve never known. Plus, my mum’s always been exceptional, so I never really felt I was lacking. She deserves happiness and she adores Tim. The last thing I want is for them to miss out on quality time together just because I decided to pop out a baby.

Besides, it’s not like my social life is completely non-existent. My best friends Lauren, Danielle and Amber come down to visit when they can and we go out for lunch followed by shopping or a walk in the park. I was a bit worried that my friends might get bored hanging out with a baby, but they adore Hera. Amber – a lifestyle blogger I met at a press launch years ago – is six months pregnant so she’s obsessed with everything baby-related. My uni mate Danielle and my best friend from school, Lauren, have very opposing views on children. Danielle longs to have three children and she and her boyfriend Jack have just started trying for a baby. She keeps asking me a ton of questions, like ‘which sex position is best for insemination’ and will she ‘get pregnant faster with regular exercise’ (like I used to). Unlike Danielle, Lauren, who’s still single and playing the field, prefers cats to children and swears she’ll never ‘breed’ as she puts it. Of all my friends, Lauren is the one I’m closest to, even if our lives are totally different these days. Lauren’s a freelance social media marketer and her days are packed with spin classes, Starbucks laptop sessions and nights out at glamourous industry events. My mumsy lifestyle is definitely not for her, but even Lauren loves Hera. Hera’s impossible not to love, really. She’s just so cute. She’s got the sweetest little smile imaginable and even her cry isn’t that bad. I’ve heard some babies at the local creche whose cries should be played in place of fire alarms. They’re that piercing.

I know I sound really boring, but I don’t always do baby-friendly things with my friends. Every couple of weeks, I’ll leave Hera with my mum and head to London. I find a nice café somewhere and have lunch with my assistant Becky, where we discuss our latest campaigns. Becky’s awesome. We used to work together in the Camden office and I was worried she might lose interest in the business once I left London and stopped being as hands-on, but she’s stayed loyal. After Becky and I catch up, I’ll meet my friends for dinner and drinks, like we used to before I was a mum.

Okay, so my social life isn’t much. It’s certainly a lot less exciting than it used to be, but the weird thing is, I’ve stopped minding. I’ve got used to winding down at home with Netflix in the evenings and a bowl of popcorn. It’s cosy, almost like a home cinema. And anyway, even if I did have the time or inclination to go out, where would I go? There’s not much to do in Chiddingfold. There’s a village green which may have seemed like a fun place to hang out when I was a teenager, but it’s hardly appealing now, unless I’m taking Hera for a walk. There are a couple of cute, cosy pubs that are lovely for Sunday lunch, but they’re not exactly happening. And then there’s Chiddingfold Cinema, which is actually just a projector screen and a few chairs lined up in rows in the village hall. It’s kind of adorable, but they show one film a month and it’s usually a ‘new release’ that came out at least two or three years ago. Oh, and a state-of-the-art gym opened recently a few miles down the road, but the last thing I want to do is head there and find Chiddingfold’s answer to Leroy.

‘Come on, love. It’ll be a great night,’ my mum insists.

‘I don’t know …’ I squirm. The fundraiser did used to be a laugh and I do want to show my support for Mick, but I only just finished working and I was looking forward to snuggling up on the sofa and watching the next episode of the latest sitcom I’m addicted to.

‘Brian will be there,’ my mum adds with a wink.

‘Oh God!’ I groan. Brian is a bicycle repair man who’s tried it on with every woman with a pulse in the village, yet that hasn’t stopped my mum trying to set me up with him ever since I moved back home. He’s got weird googly eyes and an insanely annoying habit of saying ‘do you know what I mean?’ at the end of every sentence. You’ll run into him in town and comment on the weather and he’ll respond, ‘Yeah, it’s really cold. Do you know what I mean?’ or he’ll be talking about the latest bike he’s been fixing and comment, ‘It’s got a really good gear suspension, do you know what I mean?’ My brain just switches off every time I talk to him. I’ve told my mum a million times I don’t fancy him, but she acts like I’m overlooking Prince Charming. I shudder to think of what it would be like to be with Brian. Can you imagine – ‘I love you, do you know what I mean?’

‘Mum, I’m not going to date Brian!’ I remind her.

‘He’s a lovely lad,’ my mum huffs defensively.

‘Mum, seriously …’

‘Alright, alright.’ My mum throws her hands up in mock surrender. ‘I’ll stop trying to set you up with Brian, but I still think you should come. Mick knows you’re back. He’d love to see you there. Just a few hours, for Maggie.’ She eyes me imploringly.

How can I say no to the memory of Mick’s dead wife?

‘Okay, fine,’ I relent. ‘I wish you’d told me earlier though. What am I going to wear?’

I give Hera the last piece of cracker, before brushing the crumbs from my hands.

‘I’m sure you’ll find something!’

‘Hope so! Keep an eye on Hera while I look?’

My mum nods as she nibbles on another cracker and cheese.

I race upstairs. She’s right, I will find something. I have a ton of clothes. They wouldn’t fit in my old wardrobe, so I had to buy two rails to put them on. I try to pass my clothes addiction off as an occupational hazard of working in fashion and beauty PR. When I lived in London, I used to go to meetings, product launches and networking events all the time and I’d be expected to look the part. I needed to show our clients that I had my finger on the pulse and knew about the latest trends, which meant buying into the coolest looks every season. But it’s not like it was a chore, I do genuinely love fashion and I love getting stuff that isn’t on trend too, whether that’s a nice charity shop dress, a comfy pair of boyfriend jeans or a slouchy oversized T-shirt.

I rifle through my clothes racks a few times until I find a short-sleeved purple jumpsuit I bought six months ago and never got around to wearing. It’s tailored and smart, but its purple shade and gold drawstring waist give it a playful edge. It’s perfect. I pull off the leggings and T-shirt combo I’ve been living in recently, swap my sports bra for a regular one and slip into the jumpsuit. I check my reflection in my bedroom mirror. The jumpsuit looks good on, but it’s too dressy to wear without make-up. I don’t have time to do a full face of make-up, so I smooth a bit of BB cream onto my skin, add a touch of blusher, some tinted lip balm and a slick of mascara. That’ll do. I pull my hair out of its messy bun and run a comb through it. I take in its slightly frizzy appearance and wonder whether I have time to use my straighteners.

‘Natalie! Hurry up!’ my mum bellows up the stairs.

‘Okay! Okay!’ I call back, abandoning all thoughts of straightening my hair. I grab a hairclip from the dish on my dressing table and attempt to pin my hair to the side, but it looks weird, so I just let it down again. It looks a bit scruffy, but it will do. It’s only a fundraiser at the village hall, after all.

I grab my wallet and phone, shove them into a handbag and head downstairs.

‘I’m ready!’ I say as I walk back into the kitchen.

My mum’s put away the crackers and cheese and is now playing with Hera, who is back in her highchair. She looks over her shoulder.

‘Oh, lovely outfit you’ve got on,’ she says, clocking my jumpsuit.

‘Thanks Mum,’ I reply, walking over to her and Hera.

‘How’s my gorgeous girl doing?’ I ask.

‘I’m good,’ my mum replies, with a grin, as she waves Mr Bear around for Hera.

I roll my eyes. ‘I meant Hera, Mum!’

‘I know!’ She laughs as Hera reaches out and grabs Mr Bear, before clutching him close to her chest. She starts blinking sleepily and her head drops forward a little.

‘Oh no, she’s tired!’ I say. ‘Maybe she needs to go to bed.’

‘We’ll put her in her carrier, and she can have a little nap on the way. Relax love. An hour at the village hall isn’t going to kill her.’

Hera’s eyes droop closed, and I begin to have serious doubts over whether going to this fundraiser is a good idea. ‘Look at her!’

‘Well, let her have a nap in her carrier then. That baby sleeps like a log. She’ll be fine. We’ll only be out for a bit anyway,’ my mum says impatiently. ‘I just want to see if I win anything in the raffle. Mick’s worked really hard on this year’s draw. The top prize is a romantic getaway to Marrakech!’

‘A romantic getaway to Marrakech!? Seriously?’ I balk. ‘I could swear the last time I went to Mick’s fundraiser the top prize was a picnic hamper.’

‘Well, it’s come a long way since then! Mick’s been pulling some strings.’

I raise an eyebrow. Mick, pulling strings? He’s a retired office administrator whose social life revolves around the local bridge club, how many strings can he pull?

‘A trip to Marrakech could be just the thing for you!’ my mum says with a twinkle in her eye.

‘Didn’t you say it was a romantic getaway? Who am I going to take?’

It’s a bit tragic to admit, but I haven’t so much as held hands with another man since things ended with Leroy. I’ve been so preoccupied with trying to be a good mum and keeping my business running smoothly that I haven’t had any time to go on dates. It’s not like I meet anyone now that I’m a homebody. The only men I encounter in my daily life these days are the postman and takeaway delivery men (and unfortunately neither are sexy).

‘You could go with Lauren. I’ll take Hera for a few days. And anyway, you could always make it romantic,’ she suggests with a wink.

I frown. ‘Huh? Mum, are you suggesting that I seduce my best friend?!’

‘No!’ I’m suggesting that you might meet a nice man while you’re there. Have a little holiday romance!’

‘Oh God,’ I grumble. ‘Are you serious, Mum?’

‘What?’ She shrugs exaggeratedly with a cheeky wink. ‘It wouldn’t hurt!’

I stare back at her, deadpan. ‘Somehow, I doubt a dodgy holiday romance in Marrakech would be a great move right now and secondly, I find your concern for my sex life a little disturbing!’

‘I’m not concerned. I’m just saying, a little holiday romance might be fun. It might do you some good,’ my mum says, waving Mr Bear for Hera. Hera ignores her, nodding off instead.

‘Some sun might do me good,’ I point out, when all of a sudden, an image pops into my head of me and Lauren lying on sun loungers sipping cocktails by a big sparkling pool. Going on holiday hasn’t occurred to me once since I had Hera, but it is a surprisingly appealing image.