Читать книгу: «Kiri»

Foreword

Just imagine, there are eight billion of us on this planet. Some of us are greeting the sunrise now, huddled together, watching the first rays of the sun color the sky with bright colors, and some are admiring the night sky, studded with stars. Some celebrate their birthday, with family and friends, by blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. And someone is bursting with heartache alone, sobbing in an empty apartment on the floor. In a small town, someone confesses his love for the first time, and feels an overpowering warmth and hope for a brighter future. Someone is saying goodbye to the love of his life, sobbing profusely, kneeling by his hospital bed. Some are immensely happy because they were able to fulfill their long-held dream, and some have lost the meaning of life and see no light in all this hopeless darkness. Perhaps now a man is born who will draw huge stadiums and drown in the love of fans. Some are now devastated and don't know how to live their lives, and some are empowered and leading people. Someone is happily married and surrounded by love, someone is clutching his child to his chest and crying from utter despair. Somewhere right now a popular band is writing a song that will be picked up by the whole world and chanted by huge stadiums. Perhaps now a young woman is writing a book that will lead out of the deadlock of sick events, and become a beacon for all lost souls. Some are now standing on a cold bridge and deciding what to do next, some are willing to sacrifice themselves for another. Remember, even after the darkest night, there is a dawn. You know, in spite of all this darkness, I see people who are not broken. People who don't give up no matter what. People who are making history right now. Their own history, changing history for others. That's why it's so important to find your purpose in life, and move smoothly toward it. For, in the multitude of empty life events, we forget one thing, my dear reader. Life is fleeting, no man lives for his oblivion. Every minute of your life is important, to live every second, that's what's important. And only then will you be happy, even knowing the end of your story. Don't expect everything to fall on your head for no reason, just do what makes you happy. And it

doesn't matter if it doesn't work the first time, try it, you'll eventually succeed. I know what I'm saying. Because the lesson I learned well is, "Whatever happens, don't stand still, move forward!" Please don't turn into a man with unmet needs. Live…

Chapter One.

Where different worlds touch, a fire ignites, and if it is protected, it will be eternal.

What word do you most associate with life? Hmm-mm, interesting question, isn't it? We wait for something or someone every second, every moment of our lives, every day. So to me, life is equivalent to the word wait. We wait out bad weather, unpleasant situations, painful relationships, a black streak of adversity. We wait for good news, we wait for "the right person," we wait for a carefree life, we wait for a million dollars to fall on our heads in the form of an unexpected inheritance from our great-great-grandmother. All life consists of endless waiting. But sometimes, this expectation, in turn, tends to have the opposite effect. For example: we get tired of waiting for a person to change. This is the most fatal mistake all people make, waiting for such a miracle. After all, people do not change at their core, a person is a personality, formed, adult. It's foolish to expect water to turn into wine. Isn't it?

He created himself bit by bit, starting from his mother's womb, when his DNA was laid in him. Then he greedily absorbed, in his childhood years, the concept of "relationships." Now in his head is laid down what is good, what is bad, what is acceptable. And the reckless youth? When the youthful maximalism is pounding? Some may remember that time with a smile, some with great regret. And someone just remained in our memory, because he will never become an adult … Excessive waiting kills any desire. It happens more often than we think. You just burn out, and you stop waiting. Or should I say, waiting.

I'm a former fan of the "postponed life". You know those favorite expressions, "Let's do it later," "Let's do it tomorrow"? And those "laters" never end. We keep our favorite jeans in the closet that are sure to fit us when we lose weight. We wait for Monday to work out. Putting aside health issues. We could go on and on. Sound familiar? It's not just months and weeks that go by, it's years that go by. At times like these, you have to wonder, why do you procrastinate? Maybe it's not a matter of lack of time or opportunity, but because you've already made up your mind to leave things the way they were? But how we love to clutter up our lives with unnecessary things, people and events. Things that don't mean a thing on the scale of our lives, that are so trivial, but that we devote so much time and energy to, losing sight of, something insanely beautiful, something that really matters.

I woke up in the early morning hours, with the faint, full moon barely visible in the blue haze outside the window, the sun rising, enveloping every inch of our mortal world. Bringing warmth and awakening to the world around us. I love waking up when all the family is still asleep, when there is such silence outside the window, as if the whole world had frozen over. It feels as if the entire universe belongs to you alone. At times like this, even the sun shines brighter, everything feels deeper, like you were in a long hibernation and just woke up. I love this time alone with myself. As I got out of bed today, I was suddenly struck by the realization that I felt free from my mental shackles. Hmmm, I really do feel easier to breathe, I don't feel heavy on my soul anymore, I don't have universal apathy weighing on my shoulders. You know what it's like when you get tired of life? When withdrawal begins, as if

the whole world has decided to hang all the pain, rage, and depression on you? When you can't even stand yourself? You think, "God, when did everything go wrong? " Where did I go wrong?", "When did I take a wrong turn? ". And you don't know where to put yourself, the emptiness inside you begins to burn, bringing more pain. You start to get angry at yourself, angry and crying. Such quiet hysteria… A storm warning inside yourself. And there's one thought in your head, "I just want to disappear." Never, do you hear? Never let that thought live and grow roots inside you. Time, as clichéd as it sounds, the truth heals, it gives you strength to resist, it gives you peace of mind, and you begin to look at everything through the prism of philosophy. Someone's "great" problem will seem to some as a mere trifle, not even worth attention. As a result, even after the strongest storm, the darkest night, everything calms down and the dawn necessarily comes. That's the way the world works. Alas, you and I can't get away from it. Either wait for the sea to calm down, or fight and swim against the current. The choice is always yours, no one will make it for you. Because your most loyal fan is only yourself.

When I went out on the balcony, I took a deep breath, the air in the spring is something special, it is as if impregnated with the fragrance of flowers, nature is reborn, awakening and you with it. It's a wonderful feeling… Isn't it? I closed my eyes, exposing my face to the first morning sunlight, and smiled. From the inner euphoria of excess serotonin, I guess I was brought out by the stabbing pain coming from my lower lip. Because never, believe me, should you smile if your lips are chapped. I'm not the only one who has chapped lips when the wind blows, am I? They literally drive me crazy. In the spring, this problem is always exacerbated, probably because of the changeable weather, the rain, the cold, the "let's wear shorts today. You know… So what do I do at dawn? That's right! Of course, I run to find that strawberry lip balm. Why strawberry? Because I have a long, burning love affair with strawberries. I need a beauty supply store or at least a drugstore, I need to do an urgent rescue on my lips before I eat them all up. Why, when I need something, can't I find it? There are a great many stores around and not one that fits. The law of meanness is just, that's what I call it. I look around. So…Not that, that's not it. Oh! I see, great cosmetics store, just what I need right now. I run as fast as I can and rattle into the store, grabbing the door so I don't fall. Damn these shoes in heels, instead of femininity turns on the function "cow on ice"! When I feel like I'm on my feet, I fix my red coat and look around to make sure no one

saw me nearly flip-flop when I entered the store. But alas, as expected, several pairs of eyes were looking at me. But it's okay, as the saying goes: "A smart man won't tell, a fool won't notice," and I walk into the store with a confident gait, as if nothing had happened.

– Hello! Welcome to our Morning Star store. Can I help you with something?

– Hello! No, thank you.

It was very strange, the store was empty except for the clerks. Am I the only one shopping this early? I am surrounded by shelves and display cases of cosmetics, I am in a woman's paradise. It is a very bright store, I love it when there is a lot of light, everything is so bright and flashy, I want to touch and smell everything. But I shove these tantalizing images away and head straight for the rotating showcase of lip care products. At the very top I see a caring hygienic lipstick, it's the only one left, I reach for it, grab it with my hands, turn around, but I can't leave, because my hand is covered with a warm, large palm. Stop! What? I don't understand… What is it? I turn my head in bewilderment at what's happening, and I see

smiling dark eyes. They were so appealing and were looking at me so intently. This is the first time I've ever seen such a shade of eye color… Let me think… That's my favorite drink! Coffee-colored eyes. Not cappuccino, of course, but like a tart espresso. When he walked around the window without letting go of my hand, I just opened my mouth in surprise. Now I could see him all the way up, wearing a black cap pulled forward, covering almost half of his face, a black bomber, a black T-shirt, and light blue jeans. I can't even move, let alone say anything, and I just stand there like an idol. I am so impressed by his appearance. He seems so huge compared to me. And it's clearly not my grandmother's mezzanine, it's at least a closet.

– I didn't know angels could come down to us from heaven…

That's it! Curtain! You can relax. I exhaled noisily and rolled my eyes at those words. What? I can't believe I blew it like that. That's such a spectacular exit, and it's all ruined. Was he serious? What was I supposed to do? Fall at his feet and melt like last year's snow? Well, I

have to hand it to him, the low timbre of his voice, combined with his beautiful coffee-colored eyes, would make any girl's heart beat faster. It's a shame that half his face is hidden behind a mask. The shape of his lips can say a lot about the person he's talking to. I involuntarily bit my lower lip at the thought of them.

– I don't know about the angels, but I'm straight from hell. – That's it! Checkmate! My inner girl did a somersault.

His eyes sparkled and small lines appeared in the corners of his eyes, so he smiled. Strange, I thought my words would at least temper his ardor or scare him off.

– Excuse me, little miss, who is straight from hell. I am also very fond of this particular brand of lipstick, but as a gentleman I give it to you. – Without letting go of my hand, he turned my palm, and put the very lipstick I had chosen on top of it with his warm palm.

– Thank you…– I barely spoke, stammering and blushing a little, not expecting such a reaction from him.

I had to tilt my head back to see his face. Oh, that was a fatal mistake on my part, because you could drown in those eyes… He leaned lower, and I could see the sparkle in his eyes, the sheer pleasure of his superiority, of being able to embarrass me so easily.

– I'll see you again, little miss. – he winked, before disappearing as suddenly as he'd appeared.

I stood there for a few more seconds, holding my arms out in the air. What was that? I shook my head and exhaled noisily, looking around. There was no one around, no sign of him. You'd think this was a well-thought-out scenario… My gut told me it wouldn't be the last time we'd meet. As I walked to the checkout counter, I felt warmth where his palms touched me. I held out my merchandise to pay and get out of here as quickly as possible. Because I could feel my cheeks burning, I must be red as a cancer. I hope this fancy SS cream hides my blush, or I'll fall to the ground in shame.

– Hello! Your order has been paid for and you were asked to pass this on.

An envelope was handed to me. A small, red, unremarkable envelope. I wondered what was in it.

– Thank you! But who paid, can I find out?

– A tall man, wearing a black cap. He refused to tell us his name, but assured us that you would understand.

– Oh-oh-oh… Even so… Okay, thank you.

– We look forward to seeing you in our store again!

When did he manage to do all this? Write a letter and pay in a couple of minutes? It's beyond the realm of possibility. Or did he skillfully fend off pesky information about the week's promotions and sales. I can hardly believe it. I went outside and looked at the envelope, it said "For Little Miss," and I rolled my eyes at the inscription. Inside, of course,

was a note, where a few lines were written briefly and clearly "Call me 022309071990. Viho."

I turned to throw away the lipstick box, and I heard the sound of a car pulling away, it abruptly moved away and quickly drove away. What kind of driving is that? I don't know what you're in such a hurry for. I automatically put the note in my coat pocket and walked down the street smiling blissfully. Oh… Those beautiful, coffee-colored eyes… I wouldn't forget

them, but I wouldn't dare call. Past relationships have thrown me off my game. I mean, not at all. I chose me. It was the hardest decision for me. It was excruciatingly painful, but the right decision of my life. Feeling disrespected day after day, and the depth of despair from feeling unwanted. And love? Was there ever love? It is too strong and deep a feeling to throw it away. To love is not to devalue feelings, it is to show care and no indifference. Love is

finding time to be alone with "your" person for five minutes. It's about not being left alone when you're in trouble, about cherishing your feelings. And to fear that there will come a time when you will be lost. At this point in my life's journey, I choose loneliness. I love solitude, already for the fact that I don't have to make excuses for my actions. I don't need to be afraid, fear no longer shackles me with iron fetters, I can breathe with my full breath. I no longer have to endure someone else's presence, restricting myself to everything. Freedom is intoxicating and liberating. I've also finally accepted myself. Falling in love with someone emotionally is easier than loving myself. The hardest work is the work of accepting myself. It was incredibly difficult for me. But I got through it, as I always do. My inner warrior does not accept defeat. This warrior has saved my life more than once, keeping panic from spilling over into my head. An iron rod that keeps my back straight, no matter what. I say thank you to myself.

I try to divert my thoughts from the man in the black cap, who burst like a hurricane into my regular life, to something really important. It's hard… Those little wrinkles in the corners of his coffee-colored eyes don't leave my mind. It must be possible to fall in love with his smile. I haven't felt spring in my heart in a long time… Mr. Viho is probably not lacking in female attention. So put him out of your mind, my girl. After all, I'm interviewing for my dream job tomorrow and I hope I do well. I didn't spend my days and nights studying languages for nothing. In fact, I love satiating myself with new knowledge, greedily swallowing every

thought. I gain a sense of superiority, knowledge makes me more confident and gives me inner strength. At the very least, I will do my best to get a place in such a well-known and large company. It's at least a ticket to a good life, not just for me. I've worked too long and too hard for this to let the excitement break me. Now run home, because the love of my life is waiting for me there. My protector, and my rock. I put on my headphones and start the music player on my phone. One of my favorite tracks is playing. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the cool, spring breeze, and goosebumps run through my body, a kind of "emotional chill." Music has one wonderful ability, when it hits you, you find yourself in another universe, where you stop feeling pain. Sometimes music is my only escape from the cruelty of this world.

Thunder rumbles, storm, haze,

You can't find me.

I will be covered by white, white snow.