Читать книгу: «No Wife Required!»

CHAPTER ONE

“HI, ALL of you listeners out there. Thanks for tuning in to a little Heart Talk with yours truly, Max Jarvis.

“Once again it’s time to settle back and get comfortable. Put your feet up, eat a little snack, and concentrate on your deepest feelings about love, romance, and the intriguing, mysterious relationship between men and women.

“You know... in this morning’s newspaper, there was an article that gave me a lot of food for thought. I’ve pondered it all day. According to a recent poll, seventy-six percent of the married women in Utah hold either part-time or full-time jobs in the workforce. The article went on to say that this figure was fairly typical of the percentage of married women working outside the home nationwide.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I feel kind of sad about that figure. The world can be a cold, cruel place for a soft, desirable, lovely woman. What do you suppose ever happened to the wife who stayed home to keep the love nest clean, cook delicious, wholesome meals, watch over the children while the husband was forced to leave the comfort of her arms to earn the living? What ever happened to the wife who used to greet her bruised and battered other half with a rejuvenating kiss and a hug at the end of a hard day?”

“That does it!” Lacey West muttered furiously beneath her breath, standing on her brakes after roaring into the parking stall of her sister and brother-in-law’s condo. While Valerie and Brad were away on business in the Far East, Lacey had agreed to house-sit their place.

As soon as she flicked off Radio Talk, she dashed into the condo, determined to phone the radio station and give Max Jarvis a piece of her mind. In his way, he was quite brilliant, but he’d only come from the West Coast two months ago and wasn’t a native Utahn. He didn’t understand the real story behind most local issues, which was almost as irritating as his outdated opinions about love expressed on his Heart Talk segment.

She hated to admit that he did have one redeeming quality however, it was a sexy voice. She was almost tempted to drop by the station to get a close look to see if the rest of him lived up to ‘The Voice’ as she’d secretly named him.

Lacey had a theory about voices. They were more important than faces. She could love or hate on the strength of a voice. And Max Jarvis’s voice definitely belonged on her special list along with Pavarotti and Timothy Dalton. Hundreds of new radio listeners attributed to his program had been lured by his voice. They just weren’t aware of its seductive quality.

Still, his outsider status rendered him invalid in Lacey’s eyes. He hadn’t a clue about the history behind the city’s school boundary disputes, the flooding cycle of the Great Salt Lake, or the attorney general quitting his post, midterm, to take a higher paying job in the workforce, irritating the voters who elected him.

As for his antiquated theories on marriage...

With the light of battle kindling her forest-green eyes, she let herself in the back door of the condo. George, the lovable, trained capuchin monkey she was tending for her psychologist friend, Lorraine, must have heard her put the key in the lock because he wrapped his arms around her legs when she walked in.

Lacey experienced a stab of positively maternal feeling as she patted his head. “I’ve missed you, too. Come on. Let’s eat. I’m starving.”

While she made a tossed salad and broiled a couple of lamb chops, she turned on the radio in the kitchen, then called the station on her cordless phone.

She must have tried a dozen times, but the male callers siding with Max Jarvis had jammed the lines. When she finally connected and was told to hold, there were only three minutes left before he went off the air for the night. She doubted she’d get on.

With George settled in the far corner of the kitchen to eat his greens and sunflower seeds, she put her food on the kitchen table and sat down to her own meal, the receiver still wedged between her ear and chin.

Finally she heard a click. “Hi, Lorraine. This is Max Jarvis.”

Lacey took a fortifying breath. Lorraine was the fake name she’d given his producer. For privacy’s sake, she never used her own name and picked a different one whenever she called in on a talk show.

“Yes, Mr. Jarvis, I know who you are.” The sarcasm oozed out of her.

“I don’t recognize your voice, Lorraine. You must be a first-time caller.”

His astute observation not only annoyed her, it caught her off guard. “How would you know that?”

“Because yours has a slightly husky quality I find rather unforgettable. I’m right about this being a first for you, aren’t I?”

Her jaw hardened. “As a matter of fact you are, where your show is concerned. I’ve called in dozens of times on other shows over the years.”

“You’ve made my day, Lorraine. The owner of the station loves it when I get a first-time caller. Unfortunately we’re almost out of time.”

“I’ll make this quick,” she asserted forcefully. “If you want to know what happened to the lovely wife working her nails to the bone at home while she waited for her beloved to return home after a hard day’s work...check with his little girlfriend in town.

“The one who didn’t have a clue he was married and hoped to become his wife, only to discover too late that the money he’d been spending wining and dining her was the money from his paycheck to support the family, thus forcing his wife to get out and earn a living she could count on!”

“Were you the wife or the girlfriend?” Max Jarvis insinuated in his deep, vibrant voice before she could catch her breath.

His question shot home like an arrow to the heart. Afraid to reveal any more, Lacey hung up the phone, still angry that Perry hadn’t told her he was a married man with children until after she’d fallen in love with him. Never again!

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just lost Lorraine. No doubt her personal story has struck a resounding chord in the breast of those legions of people who’ve lost trust in a loved one. A sign of the times? An explanation for the numbers of married women entering the workforce outside the home?

“We all commiserate with your loss, Lorraine. If you can ever bring yourself to talk about this again, call in and we’ll discuss it further. Until tomorrow at 3:00 p.m., this is Max Jarvis with Radio Talk. Have a good night.”

Hot-faced, Lacey got up from the table and turned off the radio. By now George had gone into the living room and was watching television.

Still fuming because everything Max Jarvis said tended to upset her, she cleaned up the kitchen, then gripped a bulging briefcase to get to work on the accounts for a client who’d opened an extension of his law firm in Idaho.

By ten o’clock she called it quits but didn’t have the heart to wake George and walk him to his basket in the kitchen. So she left him lying in front of the TV and went into the bathroom for a soak in the tub.

Maybe the running water wakened him because a few minutes later he suddenly ambled into the bathroom and climbed up on the hamper.

“George? I thought you were out for the count. Did you miss me?”

George cocked his head to the side engagingly.

“Did I tell you we’re leaving on our trip to Idaho Falls day after tomorrow? Just you and me and the wide open spaces. We’ll sleep along the way and do whatever we feel like. Of course, you have to remember I have work to do. We can’t fool around all the time.”

She studied him while he displayed a splendid set of yellow teeth. Lorraine had been training him to be an aide to an other-abled person. George had the capacity to do a variety of tedious tasks a human would never tolerate.

“So you want to play now, do you?” She chuckled as he jumped down and came over to the side of the tub, tentatively stirring his hand in the water. “Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait. And don’t look at me like that with those sorrowful brown eyes. I want to relax for a while first. Then it will be your turn.”

George scurried out of the bathroom and came back with his red ball. He threw it in the water.

“That was naughty,” she said with mock severity. “Now you can’t have it until tomorrow morning. Sulk all you want, but it won’t do you any good.” She laughed as he covered his eyes with his hands in exaggerated fashion. He was such an endearing little ham. Obedient, too. He didn’t make another attempt to get the ball.

“You know—you’re not as hairy as I’d imagined. I wonder what it is about you that Lorraine can’t tolerate? How sad if she really is allergic to you. Thank goodness you and I took to each other without any problem.

“I’ve loved having you around, even if you’re too curious for your own good. In ways I would like to keep you, but even if that were possible, someone else needs you desperately, and you’re far too expensive.” The responsibility of caring for a fifty-thousand-dollar monkey had been weighing on her from the outset.

Lacey patted his silky head as she got out of the tub and hitched a towel around her. “You miss Lorraine, don’t you? But you like living with me a little bit, right?” He looked at the water wistfully, then back at her.

“I know what you want. All right. Go ahead.”

George leaped into the tub, rolling his ball over and over again, jumping up and down, splashing water.

“Careful, George. You’re getting me wet again. Let’s keep everything to the confines of the tub. You’re too excited. Now calm down. You act like this is the first time. You know the rules.”

Lacey couldn’t keep a straight face. Laughter spilled out of her, which only incited him to more antics. He beat on his chest.

“You’re too much, do you know that? Come on. Play time is over. You’ve worn me out. Let’s go to bed and sleep till noon. Then we have to clean because Brad’s boss from Denver will be flying in to Salt Lake some time tomorrow afternoon on his way to Tokyo. You’ll have to stay in the storeroom out of sight. I’ll bring you a pillow and your blanket. After he’s in bed, I’ll come out to see you.”

As she leaned over to let the water out of the tub, she could’ve sworn she heard the clank of metal followed by a low groan. It had to have come from the bathroom next door. George looked at the wall, then at her. He’d heard the noise, too.

“Uh-oh,” she whispered. “I think my neighbor is trying to tell us something. We’d better not play in the middle of the night anymore or we might be evicted.”

Lacey fell into bed exhausted, but Saturday turned out to be even more tiring. George made house cleaning an unforgettable experience. He followed her around and found the vacuum an unending source of delight.

Lorraine had assured her he was capable of vacuuming, it was part of his training. Though he might not be as thorough as a human, he knew to cover the open areas of the floor.

Lacey decided to let him do the carpet in the master bedroom while she finished the dusting and polishing in the living room. With the plants watered, all she had to do was make up the guest bedroom with clean sheets and scour the bathroom.

Not wanting to miss any of the noon news, she carried her radio to the bathroom and plugged it in while she attacked the tub. As soon as George heard the radio, he turned off the vacuum and scuttled into the bathroom to admire himself in the mirror, which covered one whole wall.

It was a good thing she hadn’t cleaned the glass yet. Lacey grinned as she watched him kiss the mirror with his mobile lips. She figured he was a normal monkey and missed the companionship of a mate.

It was anyone’s guess if his face made him attractive to the female of the species, but she thought him a terrific specimen. Apparently he did, too. He leaned on the knuckles of his hands and scrutinized himself from head to toe.

Lacey got up from her knees and turned off the radio. In her opinion, the Saturday real estate news show had to be the most boring segment of Radio Talk. At least if Max Jarvis had been hosting it, she could have enjoyed his voice.

She eyed George affectionately. “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the handsomest of all?” George bared his teeth in a huge grin now that he had her full attention.

“You know you’re gorgeous, don’t you? But there’s no need to overdo it. I’m already in love with you, you big ape. Now run along while I finish cleaning. With you in here, I can’t get my work done. You’re far and away the most entertaining and loving rascal I’ve ever known.”

He loped out of the bathroom. A few minutes later she could hear “Mr. Ed,” the talking horse, on cable TV. With that much respite she was able to finish the work before getting ready to go pick up Brad’s boss at the airport.

The more she thought about it, the more she was determined to keep George a secret from him. If Brad ever found out, he’d have a fit. He’d chosen this condo because of the ‘no pets’ rule. His fastidious nature couldn’t tolerate animal hair. And Valerie would start giving Lacey more pep talks about finding another man to love instead of a monkey.

Lacey wasn’t against the idea exactly. It was just that she’d never met a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She worked with lots of men in her job as a CPA. That’s how she’d met Perry, the liar. Since there was no way she’d get herself into that kind of situation again, she hadn’t been looking for anyone new.

Valerie despaired of Lacey’s paranoia where dishonest men were concerned, but then Valerie was happily married and didn’t realize that there weren’t a lot of desirable, available, unattached males in the world who told the whole truth.

While Lacey fixed lunch, she heard a car.start up in the other carport. Good. Her neighbor had finally gone out. Valerie had mentioned that a man had recently moved in next door, but Lacey had never seen him. He kept strange hours, but at least he was gone and hadn’t complained about the noise last night. “Come on, George. Let’s make a dash for it.”

She left her half-made tuna sandwich on the counter and grasped the monkey’s hand. With her other hand she grabbed everything else she’d need and headed for the carport, which backed onto an access road bordering the complex. A high fence ran alongside the road, affording privacy.

So far, no one knew she was keeping George on the premises. She intended to keep his presence a secret until Lorraine came for him.

The storage shed ran along half of the carport wall. She undid the heavy padlock and ushered George inside, pulling the cord that turned on the light. “See what I have for you.” She handed him his pillow and blanket and watched as he made a little bed for himself at one end of the pad.

With that accomplished, he examined the contents of the sack she’d put by the door. Out came his red ball, a hoop the size of a dinner plate, and a handmade seesaw which moved up and down slowly when he placed a marble in the holder.

While he busied himself with his toys, she ran back to the condo and brought out a small, portable TV, which she set up on one of the boxes, hooking up a long extension cord that ran under the door to an outlet in the carport. The television would keep him company if he got lonesome. In his dishes she put water, lettuce, apples, and sunflower seeds. Enough to hold him through the day and night.

“Be a good boy. I’ll come in and say good-night before I go to bed. Remember. No hooting or screaming.”

She made the sign Lorraine had taught her. George understood her hand gestures and ambled over to hug her legs. “Lacey loves you, too, George. This is only for tonight. An emergency. And because you’re being so good, I have a present for you. Reach in here.”

She patted the hip pocket of her jeans. George carefully felt for his surprise. He made low hooting sounds when he discovered a strip of beef jerky. He loved to suck on it like a lollipop, and rolled his eyes in ecstasy.

With his attention focused on food, Lacey slipped out of the storeroom and padlocked the door. She felt as guilty as if she’d abandoned a child, but she had to pick up Brad’s boss.

To make doubly sure of keeping George’s presence a secret, she would park out front for the night Brad’s boss wouldn’t have a clue. As it turned out, he was a quiet, self-effacing person in his sixties who just happened to be the vice president of the electronics firm Brad worked for.

He’d put up Brad many times when her brother-in-law had meetings in Denver. Under the circumstances, taking him to the Utah Jazz basketball game turned out to be a stroke of genius. John Stockton and Karl Malone, two Olympic basketball players from Utah, had been at their best. If taking Brad’s boss to the game helped her brother-in-law up the corporate ladder, so much the better.

She had been wise to keep George out of sight, but the poor thing must’ve thought she had gone for good. As soon as her guest left the next morning in a taxi, Lacey jumped out of bed, threw on a robe over her nightgown and hurried out to the carport. No telling how long the monkey had been awake. She could hear the TV. It sounded like the Salt Lake Tabernacle Choir.

George grabbed her around the legs when she opened the door. “I’ve missed you, too.” She patted his head before poking hers outside the door to see if the coast was clear.

Her neighbor’s blue Saab was now parked in the other carport, but she’d seen no sign of life. “Come on, George. We need to make another run for it.”

He required no urging and reached the kitchen before she did. Once his breakfast was prepared, she returned to the storeroom and cleaned up. With the TV in one arm, his sack of toys and dishes in the other, she somehow managed to lock the door and make it back inside the condo without being observed.

While George watched TV, she left for church, slipping out the front door carrying a sack of smiley faces for the children in her Sunday school class. They loved wearing them on their foreheads if they’d been good.

No sooner had she returned from church than the man from the car rental appeared at her front door. Because of the situation with George, her client had rented her a motor home so that she and George could use it in place of a hotel room while she was in Idaho.

She parked her own car in the carport, then wrapped George in a blanket and carried him out to the motor home as if he were her baby. She couldn’t take chances on anyone from the condo seeing him. Once their bags were on board, she drove the man back to the rental agency, then she and George were on their own.

Lacey loved driving the motor home. Because she was on the shorter side, she’d always wondered what it would feel like to sit in a semitrailer and figured it would be like this. King of the road.

One thing about her client. He never did anything by half measures. He had leased her the best Winnebago on the lot. It had everything. Sleeping for six, a shower, galley, TV, VCR, radio, and a dinner table with blue and white curtains at the windows.

Though strapped in the car seat, George was in heaven. She was pretty happy herself and flicked on the radio, excited at the prospect of listening to Max Jarvis display his ignorance in matters of love once more.

A guest was speaking. “...So it makes sense that living together is the only way to find out certain things which would never be learned in a dating relationship.”

“You mean like discovering that your girlfriend had a snoring problem,” Max Jarvis interjected.

“Snoring, talking in your sleep, walking in your sleep. The list is endless, and so are the surprises which often cause newlyweds to end up in divorce.”

“You make a good practical point, Dr. Ryder. You constantly hear married people say that the honeymoon was ruined by something unexpected, which in turn set a negative tone for the marriage. It looks like the board is lit up with callers wanting to talk to you.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Max Jarvis and we have Dr. Victor Ryder in studio for the next half hour, anxious to discuss his new book entitled, Living Together. A solution for the technological age. Hello, Phil.”

Lacey brought the motor home to a shrieking halt. George hooted.

“Sorry, but that man makes me so angry I missed the turnoff for Malad. We’ll have to backtrack to Garland.”

For ‘The Voice’ to agree with some one-book-wonder marriage therapist on the subject of living together made Lacey’s blood boil. Especially someone like Victor Ryder. The name was all too familiar to Lacey and if he was a legitimate therapist she was Madonna! How could Max Jarvis be such a fool? Why didn’t he go back to California where he belonged?

She had half a mind to call him and tell him just that. When she spied a free telephone booth outside a convenience store in Garland, she maneuvered the motor home into the parking lot and turned off the ignition.

“I’ve got to make a phone call, George. You can watch me. I won’t be long. We’ll reach Idaho Falls by seven and then some. Since the reservations are all made, we won’t have to worry where to park when we get there.”

As she left the motor home, a couple of kids were coming out of the store. When they saw George perched near the front dashboard they asked Lacey if she minded if they watched him while she made her call.

She knew how they felt. Apes had always been her favorite animal at the zoo. Maybe that was why she had been so willing to help out Lorraine. Lacey told the boys to enjoy themselves and returned to the business of getting a free long-distance line. After ten tries, she connected.

“This is Radio Talk. Do you have a question for Dr. Ryder?”

“Actually, I’d like to speak to Mr. Jarvis.”

“What’s your name?”

“Gloria.”

“Hold on, Gloria. You’ll be up next.”

“I’m holding.”

Lacey waited another minute, then Max Jarvis’s voice was speaking. “Hello, Gloria. I hear you want to speak to me.”

“That’s right.”

“Where are you calling from?”

“Garland.”

“As in?”

“Utah! And if you knew anything about this state, you wouldn’t have had to ask that question.”

He chuckled. “I may not know a great deal about Utah, but I do know voices, and you’re not Gloria. You’re Lorraine! I’ve been hoping you’d call back, but it’s been a while and I’d almost lost hope. Go ahead and take all the time you need to vent your feelings about your unsatisfactory personal life.”

Lacey blinked in stunned surprise. He was a lot more intelligent than she’d given him credit for.

“My personal life is my own concern. But I do want to vent my feelings about the kinds of outrageous opinions you express, which not only show that you’re from out of state, but that you know nothing about men and women.”

“So what you’re saying is that if a man isn’t from Utah, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about?” he asked in a mild tone, raising her blood pressure.

“Let’s just say we were all just fine until you came along with your unique brand of ‘practicality’! What really alarms me is your willingness to let anyone who has written a book be a guest on your show. You allow them to pass off their work as the latest authority for the masses to heedlessly imbibe, then side with them when you know there are two sides to every issue! What about romance? What about love?”

His chuckle got under her skin. “Me thinks the lady protesteth too much. Something tells me you’ve never lived with a man. Is that right?”

“That’s right, because I believe in romantic solutions not practical ones!”

“Be more specific.”

“If a woman’s lucky, she’s only going to give herself to one man forever. If a man’s lucky, he’s only going to give himself to one woman forever. That’s the highest form of love, consecrated in marriage.

“Yet your pseudo-doctor guest is advocating that we should be ruled by our heads not our hearts and you are condoning it. You’re both out of your minds.”

“How would you like to put that remark to the test, Lorraine?”

She frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Have you written a book lately on the relationship between men and women?”

“I wouldn’t presume to take on a subject that should be left alone.”

“Good. Then you’re the perfect person to appear as a guest on my show next week and prove to my face that I’m out of my mind, as you said.”

“That won’t be hard. I’ll look forward to it,” she averred before it dawned on her what she’d just said.

“All you callers out there heard her. It ought to be an interesting show. Rob—take the information on Lorraine while we go to our next caller.”

Lacey knew Max Jarvis’s tactics. He hadn’t expected her to take up his challenge. She kind of surprised herself by agreeing to appear as a guest on the show. What an irony that after phoning into Radio Talk all these years, she would be facing the one host who had the capacity to rile her.

If she were being honest with herself, she would admit that she really wanted to find out if the man measured up to his voice.

By now, a crowd had gathered around the motor home to watch George. She had to work her way through to climb on board. He hooted a welcome.

“Good news, George. I’m going to be on Radio Talk next week. I’ve a few thousand things to say to that infuriating man. It’s time for his education to begin.”