Пак Чжэен – директор Replus HumanLab, коуч и спикер. Его компания занимается вопросами разрешения конфликтов, обучением персонала коммуникации и успешному ведению переговоров.

В этой книге Пак Чжэен собрал все свои знания о том, как овладеть искусством общения не только с коллегами, но и с близкими.

Часто бывает, что мы не задумываемся о своих словах. Мы можем обидеть человека и даже не заметить этого. А ведь бывают случаи, когда одно случайно брошенное слово меняет всю жизнь.

Книга «Искусство диалога. Говори ясно, слушай чутко» учит искусству диалога и выстраиванию границ как в межличностных, так и в деловых отношениях. Эта книга не только для тех, кого обижают слова других, и им хочется изменить отношение к себе, но и для тех, кто часто произносит “больные” слова.

Кроме теории в книге собраны практические упражнения, благодаря которым вы научитесь:

– слушать и слышать;

– корректно реагировать на неприятные слова в свой адрес;

– уводить неприятный разговор в более мирное русло;

– вести успешные переговоры не только в личной жизни, но и в бизнесе.

В формате PDF A4 сохранён издательский дизайн.

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Пак Чжэен
Искусство диалога. Говори ясно, слушай чутко

나는 왜 네 말이 힘들까 by Jae-yeon Park

This Russian edition was published by arrangement with HANBIT Media, Inc.

* * *

Цель диалога – не в решении сиюминутной проблемы.
Она в том, чтобы наладить отношения, в которых двое понимают друг друга.
Почему твои слова делают мне больно?

Примечание
«Некоторые материалы, представленные в этой книге, были взяты или процитированы из книги «Слова имеют значение» («Видение и лидерство»). Они были использованы с разрешения издательства «Видение и лидерство», потому что это было необходимо для связного повествования».

Почему твои слова делают мне больно?
Как разговаривать с другим человеком, когда вам тяжело слышать его слова, когда вы сожалеете о сказанном или пытаетесь восстановить запутанные отношения
Автор Пак Чжэен
Ханбит Лайф

Пролог. Снова научиться разговаривать

Когда я училась в младших классах начальной школы, отец меня сильно бил. А по ночам мучился от осознания того, что он сделал со своей любимой дочерью. Но вместо того, чтобы сказать «прости», он только спрашивал: «Ты как?» Я отвечала: «Нормально», – не глядя отцу в глаза. Внутри я кричала, что ничего не нормально, что мне очень больно, но я боялась честно говорить, что думаю, и лгала, что все в порядке.

Как я уже много раз признавалась в своих лекциях и книгах, из-за своего детского опыта я глубоко заинтересовалась «насилием, присущим человеческим отношениям». Также я стала интересоваться «коммуникацией», которая играет решающую роль в отношениях.

Что значит «говорить»?

Что значит «слушать»?

Я хотела стать хорошим собеседником, но не умела ни говорить, ни слушать. Даже после того, как я осознала необходимость этого, у меня не всегда получалось, и я много раз причиняла боль и упускала из своей жизни важных для меня людей.

В разговоре каждый человек раскрывается таким, какой он есть

В конце концов в разговорах, которые человек ведет с другими людьми, раскрывается его характер. В разговоре мы можем выбрать собственную позицию, можем поддержать свое внутреннее достоинство или подорвать его.

Умение разговаривать не изменит вашу личность за один день. Другие люди не станут вас больше слушать, а люди, которым вы не нравитесь, внезапно не полюбят вас.

Однако может измениться ваш взгляд на других людей.

Ваша способность понимать других может увеличиться.

Вы можете набраться смелости, чтобы исправить неудобную ситуацию.

А ваши навыки и способы ведения диалога могут стать совершенно другими.

Два предварительных условия «хорошей» коммуникации

Если каждый раз, когда вы начинаете разговор, он, вопреки вашему желанию, сворачивает не туда, о чем вы потом жалеете, запомните два правила.

1. Все мы – ограниченные существа, которые однажды покинут этот мир.

Современный человек живет так, как будто никогда не умрет. Нам все время кажется, что нужно много всего подготовить, чтобы в будущем жить более успешной и безопасной жизнью, чем сейчас. Поэтому мы откладываем общение со своей любимой семьей и друзьям и не считаем необходимым сесть и поговорить о повседневной жизни с детьми. Это также становится заметно, когда мы ссоримся. Как бы мы ни любили семью и друзей, когда мы злимся, мы изо всех сил набрасываемся друг на друга, доказывая свою правоту, ругаемся, выбирая слова, которые больше всего ранят собеседника, и бросаем их прямо в лицо. Мы, кажется, думаем, что всегда найдется время, чтобы помириться, простить и попросить прощения.

Но каждый из нас когда-нибудь умрет. И никто не знает, когда это произойдет. То есть жизнь (living) – это одновременно умирание (dying). Сегодня мы прожили день, тем самым на этот день став ближе к смерти.

Грубое слово, брошенное сегодня утром, может стать последним, что от вас услышали любимые родители. Возможно, вы больше никогда не сможете попросить у них прощения. Если вы все время отказываете себе в маленькой радости провести время со своим ребенком, сегодня может быть последний день, когда вам представляется такая возможность. Когда вы навсегда закроете глаза, вы не сможете оставить даже малейшее воспоминание для своего ребенка.

Если мы всегда будем помнить, что когда-нибудь умрем, это поможет нам понять, что действительно важно в нашей жизни, и даст нам мудрость о том, как нужно говорить и как нужно слушать.

2. Я верю, что могу самостоятельно выбирать свои слова и действия.

Утром, когда мы открываем глаза, вместо того чтобы подумать «Что я хочу сделать сегодня?», мы по привычке думаем: «Что мне нужно сделать сегодня?» Если вы сосредотачиваетесь на том, что «нужно сделать», вы можете выполнить все намеченные на день дела. Но при этом легко упустить из виду, что эти дела значат для вас. Другими словами, даже если вы знаете, что вам нужно сделать, вам будет сложно ответить, достигаете ли вы того, чего хотите. Такой подход к жизни, исходящий из необходимости, заставляет нас забывать о том, что у нас есть возможность многое в жизни выбирать.

То же самое с коммуникацией. Мы говорим «прости», потому что вынуждены это сделать, говорим «спасибо» как формальность, говорим «люблю» по привычке.

Например, когда другой человек говорит: «У меня сегодня был тяжелый день», – если вы уже слышали эти слова много раз, вам не захочется их снова слышать. Поэтому, сами того не осознавая, вы можете бросить: «Опять двадцать пять?» или «Не у тебя одного». Слова, которые вы произносите автоматически, не задумываясь, становятся частью вашего диалога и ваших отношений. В таком разговоре между стимулом, который дает собеседник, и моей реакцией нет никакого промежутка. Он хорошо показывает структуру бессознательного диалога, когда мы обмениваемся репликами по привычке.

$\"\"/$

Но если, как показано на рисунке, мы слышим слова собеседника (получаем импульс) и ненадолго останавливаемся, переводим дыхание и можем проявить любопытство и хорошо подумать, то мы можем отвечать (реагировать) иначе и формировать другие отношения.

Психолог Виктор Э. Франкл сказал: «Последняя свобода человека – способность выбрать свое отношение к данным ему обстоятельствам. Между стимулом и реакцией есть промежуток. В этом промежутке у нас есть свобода выбора, от которого зависит качество нашей жизни». Например, после слов собеседника «У меня сегодня был тяжелый день» (стимул) вы можете подумать: «Ему сегодня было тяжело. Мне тоже сегодня было нелегко. Мы оба выбились из сил». Вы можете вот так, не торопясь, подумать и выбрать другую реакцию. Вместо упрека вы можете ответить (отреагировать) так: «Тебе пришлось нелегко. Мне сегодня тоже было тяжело. Сегодня нам обоим нужно немного отдохнуть».

Даже этот простой разговор может иметь большое значение в отношениях. Причина, по которой мы не можем общаться таким образом, вовсе не в том, что у нас нет такой способности. Причина в том, что в тот момент, когда я слышу слова другого человека, я отвечаю первое, что приходит на ум, по привычке, автоматически. Даже если обычно я глубоко обдумываю диалог, в решающий момент разговора я реагирую как получится, не задумываясь.

Поэтому в этой книге мы будем практиковаться в выборе слов и действий, добавляя паузы, дыхание и любопытство в свое психологическое пространство. Если предположить, что мои реакции определяют качество всех моих отношений, тогда у нас есть основания и смысл репетировать наши разговоры.

Итак, давайте сделаем глубокий вдох и вместе выучим правила диалога, которые мы до этого выучили неправильно.

С благодарностью за возможность вести обучение правилам диалога, быть посредником в конфликтах и консультировать по травмам,

Пак Чжэен

Структура книги

Эта книга построена таким образом, чтобы читатель научился говорить, вкладывая в слова свои истинные намерения, слушать и правильно интерпретировать слова собеседника.

$\"\"/$

Эта книга представляет собой руководство по слушанию и говорению для людей, которые пострадали или испортили отношения с кем-то из-за неосторожных слов. Оно поможет позаботиться о своем внутреннем «я» и восстановить отношения с любимыми людьми.

Мы рассмотрим элементы разговора, которые приводят к разрыву отношений (глава 1), и те, которые делают отношения счастливыми (глава 2).

Затем мы научимся правильно слушать (глава 3) и правильно говорить (глава 4).

После этого мы попрактикуем отказ, выражение благодарности и посредничество в конфликтах, необходимые для здоровых отношений, чтобы вы могли разрешать любые конфликты, не скрывая и не избегая их.

Обращение к читателю

Эта книга включает упражнения по обмену информацией и разговорные упражнения.

Если вы хотите попрактиковаться в разговоре с кем-то, пожалуйста, соблюдайте следующие правила:

1. Когда говорит ваш собеседник:

– отложите то, чем вы заняты,

– закройте рот,

– переведите взгляд на говорящего.

2. Не рассказывайте другим о том, чем другой человек поделился с вами во время разговорных упражнений, сохраните это в своем сердце.

3. Если вы хотите дать совет, сначала спросите, хочет ли собеседник выслушать ваш совет, а потом говорите.

Для тех, кто занимается обучением и руководит разговорной практикой

1. Сначала тренируйтесь на членах семьи и друзьях не менее года.

2. По возможности проводите упражнения по порядку, указанному в книге.

3. Когда вы слышите другое мнение, вместо того чтобы делать выводы о неправоте собеседника, скажите: «Спасибо за ваше мнение».

4. Единственного правильного ответа не существует, поэтому, когда вы не согласны с другим человеком, скажите: «А я думаю, что…»

5. Не осуждайте мнения и опыт других участников, подходите к занятиям с открытым сердцем и мыслью о том, что все мнения приветствуются.

Мое обещание

Цель разговорной практики

«С помощью упражнений из этой книги я хочу восстановить _____ отношения с _____.

Для меня это значит, что _______».

Глава 1

• Элементы диалога, которые прерывают коммуникацию и делают отношения болезненными;

• Автоматическое мышление;

• Когнитивные ошибки;

• Базовые убеждения.

Автоматическое мышление: заставляет вас ссориться, вместо того чтобы поговорить

«Ну, давай поговорим еще раз».

«Ладно, проехали. Зачем я только завел с тобой этот разговор?»

«Лучше за собой смотри! Тебя послушать, так ты у нас идеальный!»

Если в процессе разговора вы обмениваетесь такими фразами, беседу можно считать неудавшейся.

Что делает коммуникацию успешной?

«Я рад, что поговорил с тобой об этом».

«Спасибо, что выслушал».

«Благодаря тебе я стала чувствовать себя спокойнее и теперь знаю, что мне делать».

Если в разговоре были такие фразы, значит, разговор удался.

В чем же разница?

Дело в том, что эти фразы являются продолжением наших автоматических мыслей.

Если беседа идет не так, как хочется, многие начинают критиковать личность собеседника или ненавидеть себя и думать, что потерпели поражение. Поэтому они не оставляют шанса восстановить отношения или думают, что их нужно прекратить. А может быть начинают винить себя и впадают в депрессию.

Но сколько раз из-за этих мыслей вы долго злились на человека или полностью разрывали отношения, а потом жалели об этом или погружались в глубокую депрессию?

В этой книге мы не будем списывать неудачи в коммуникации на свойства личности человека. Мы сделаем акцент на автоматическом мышлении. Также нужно отметить, что мы говорим не о тех мыслях, которые вы обдумывали в течение долгого времени, а о тех, которые приходят в голову неосознанно, машинально. То есть, об автоматических мыслях, которые ведут вашу беседу к провалу.

Когда автоматические мысли вырываются вслух, они сильно затрудняют общение, а при повторении только усугубляют конфликт.

Паттерны автоматических мыслей, которые портят общение

Какие автоматические мысли портят коммуникацию между людьми?

Коммуникативные паттерны разрыва проистекают из следующих шести автоматических мыслей (authomatic thought): 1) суждение 2) критика 3) принуждение, запугивание 4) сравнение 5) принятие как должное, обязательное 6) рационализация.

На прошлых выходных я поссорилась со своим парнем, с которым встречаюсь три года.

В тот день мы договорились встретиться в два часа дня. Я всегда прихожу первой. Пока я ждала, за соседним столиком сидел другой мужчина и ждал свою девушку, вскоре она пришла. От своего парня я этого не ждала, но в тот день он еще и опоздал на 15 минут. Он вошел с улыбкой, не извинился, и его первыми словами были: «Почему ты пришла так рано?» Я не сдержала накопившегося раздражения и выпалила:

«Это я рано пришла? Да это ты опоздал!» – 1. Суждение

«Скажи, у тебя есть хоть какое-то представление о времени или нет? Ты на работу так же приходишь вовремя?» – 2. Критика

«Сколько раз я тебе говорила, чтобы ты не опаздывал?!» – 3. Принуждение

«Парень за соседним столиком пришел раньше и ждал свою девушку. Я для тебя вообще что-нибудь значу?» – 4. Сравнение

«Так сложно прийти вовремя? Это же само собой разумеется!» – 5. Принятие как должное

«Если бы ты хотя бы извинился, я бы так не взорвалась». – 6. Рационализация

Должно быть, девушка очень расстроилась и разозлилась. Было бы неплохо, если бы молодой человек искренне извинился или поблагодарил ее за ожидание. Но он попытался перевести все в шутку, и она сама не заметила, как слова слетели с губ.

Но в большинстве случаев после такого выпада вы не получите от собеседника искренних извинений. Возможно, он по привычке станет повторять: «Извини, ну прости меня». Или тоже заведется и скажет что-то в таком духе:

«Я разве каждый день опаздываю?» – Рационализация

«Ты что, сама никогда не опаздывала?» – Сравнение

«Вечно ты к чему-нибудь придираешься!» – Суждение

«Если бы ты на меня с ходу не напала, я бы извинился». – Рационализация

«Не надо так со мной разговаривать». – Принуждение, запугивание

Парень тоже обижен словами девушки и реагирует по привычке. Он проговаривает паттерн автоматического мышления, который обрывает разговор. Итак, если мы постоянно проговариваем свои автоматические мысли, особенно в неприятной ситуации (то есть когда мы в «плохом настроении»), это затрудняет общение.

Разговорное упражнение

Почему, чем дальше заходит беседа, тем больше мы расстраиваемся?

Из-за автоматических мыслей.

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Автоматические мысли:

1. Суждение.

2. Критика.

3. Принуждение.

4. Сравнение.

5. Принятие как должное.

6. Рационализация.

Если в беседе вы следуете этим шести паттернам реагирования, которые всплывают в голове автоматически, вы начинаете спорить и такой разговор ранит собеседников.

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[1] Сфотографируйте вышеуказанную картинку и сохраните ее на рабочем столе своего смартфона.

[2] В течение недели отслеживайте, к какому паттерну реагирования относятся слова, которые вы говорите и слышите.

Метод: определите, какие паттерны автоматических мыслей присутствуют в словах, которые вы говорите и слышите.

Пример

• Сегодня я сказал своему заместителю: «Ты дослужился до замначальника, а до сих пор не знаешь, как правильно составлять отчет?»

– Сегодня я автоматически высказал суждение («ты не знаешь») и принял как должное («если ты замначальника, то должен это знать»).

• Сегодня утром я слышал, как жена сказала сыну: «Ты каждое утро будешь так лениться?»

– Сегодня жена высказала сыну автоматическое суждение («ты ленишься»).

* Вместо того чтобы давать себе невыполнимое обещание не думать автоматически, гораздо эффективнее осознать то, что ваши слова являются результатом автоматических мыслей. Потому что автоматические мысли будут преследовать нас до самой смерти, и с этим ничего нельзя сделать. Но если вы осознаете и признаете тот факт, что мыслите машинально, это очень сильно улучшает коммуникацию. Далее мы с вами узнаем об этом больше и будем практиковаться вместе.

• Упражнение 1 на 1

Отвечая на следующие вопросы, попробуйте привести примеры из своей жизни. Расскажите, что такое автоматические мышление, и опишите шесть паттернов такого мышления. Задавайте друг другу вопросы, чтобы проверить, сможете ли вы объяснить эту концепцию своими словами.

Вопросы:

[1] Кому я чаще всего высказывал(а) свои автоматические мысли до сих пор?

[2] Запишите фразы, которые вам вспоминаются, и укажите, к какому паттерну они относятся.

Распознавание паттернов автоматического мышления

Если вы не замечаете свои автоматические мысли, вы всегда будете общаться по привычным паттернам. В таком случае неосознанно вырывающиеся слова не сделают ваши отношения с окружающими лучше, скорее приведут к разрыву отношений. Такие паттерны разговора не являются хорошими или плохими по определению. Но вам нужно обратить внимание на то, что такие модели диалога мешают вам поладить с человеком и не делают вас счастливее.

Давайте подробнее рассмотрим шесть паттернов автоматических мыслей, которые нарушают коммуникацию.

1. Суждение.

«Я ему не нравлюсь».

«Мой отец был заботливым».

Суждение – это ваша собственная рамка (frame), через которую вы смотрите и интерпретируете слова других людей и окружающий вас мир. Судить во время разговора означает интерпретировать слова и действия другого человека как «правильные, неправильные, хорошие, плохие» на основе своих собственных стандартов. Мы все живем со своими собственными стандартами правильного и неправильного. Естественно, что эти стандарты различны для каждого человека, потому что разные люди живут по-разному, испытывают разные чувства и учатся разным вещам. Суждение может быть положительным или отрицательным, а отрицательные суждения часто приводят к критике другого человека.

2. Критика.

«Повезло ему, что он мой начальник, другой бы на моем месте такого бездаря и слушать не стал».

«Он ведет себя не по-человечески, такой неблагодарный и наглый тип…»

Критика – это одна из форм суждения, которая склоняется к негативной интерпретации слов и поведения собеседника и содержит предубеждение о собеседнике. Оно заключается в том, что собеседник неправ, что проблема заключается в собеседнике. Когда человек критикует, он считает, что прав, а его собеседник – виноват. И, чтобы разрешить проблему, собеседника можно атаковать и оставлять негативные комментарии. Если мы думаем, что проблема конфликта в собеседнике, и если собеседник виноват, его можно атаковать, то нас ничего не останавливает. Мы можем наговорить много грубостей.

3. Сравнение.

«Мне так нравился прошлый учитель. А в этот раз как такого только поставили?»

«Почему у меня не получается так хорошо ладить с людьми, как у нашего начальника отдела?»

Сравнение мы используем, когда собеседник не делает того, чего мы хотим, и мы пытаемся скорректировать его поведение хотя бы с помощью стыда. Фразами типа «Вот он же не такой, почему ты такой?» мы пристыжаем человека и заставляем думать, что собеседник сделал что-то не так. Человек, которого с кем-то сравнивают, естественно, начинает испытывать неловкость. Но более серьезная проблема заключается в том, что люди, которых в детстве часто воспитывали путем сравнения с другими, имеют низкую самооценку.

4. Принуждение.

«Не хочешь по-хорошему – будет по-плохому».

«Мне обидно, но ничего не остается, кроме как терпеть и делать вид, что все нормально».

Принуждение – это метод, который часто используется для того, чтобы заставить собеседника что-то делать, пусть даже путем применения фактического насилия, силы или устрашения. Если человек считает, что допустимо заставлять другого поступить, как нужно, вызвав у него страх что-то потерять или пострадать, принуждение и запугивание применяются без колебаний. Зачастую эту тактику по привычке применяют люди, обличенные властью, чтобы мотивировать людей, властью не обладающих, что-то сделать. Часто мы не понимаем, что это по сути насилие, и используем этот метод, чтобы получить желаемый результат (действие собеседника).

5. Принятие как должное.

«Ты работаешь помощником менеджера уже третий год, разве это не твоя работа?»

«Я сам дурак, поэтому со мной так обращаются».

Принятие как должное – это способ исподволь заставить человека делать то, что вам нужно, основываясь на утверждении, что «любой человек должен это делать». Однако стандарт того, «что должен делать любой человек», крайне субъективен. Этот способ часто используется, чтобы вызвать чувство вины и обезоружить собеседника. При этом зачастую стандарт того, что принимается как должное, основывается исключительно на собственных стандартах говорящего. «Какая нужна причина? Это же само собой разумеется!» В этих словах заключается следующий смысл: «Я не могу объяснить, почему это нужно делать. Я сам не знаю, так что не спрашивай».

6. Рационализация.

«Я его критикую, потому что у него есть проблема».

«Если бы ты делал, как надо, я бы не разозлился».

Говорящий прибегает к рационализации, когда не рефлексирует, а оправдывает свои собственные поступки, обвиняя других людей. Этот паттерн коммуникации также может указывать на то, что вы сожалеете и пытаетесь решить проблему. Если человек не в состоянии адекватно выразить свое чувство вины, он пытается объяснить его, при этом причиняя собеседнику еще больше страданий. «Я ничего не могу с этим поделать. Не заставляй меня быть жестоким». В результате этот паттерн используется, чтобы свалить вину за свои слова на собеседника или обстоятельства и избавиться от этого дискомфорта. Такая рационализация может помочь вам избавиться от неприятного чувства, но оставляет сильный дискомфорт в душе вашего собеседника.

Разговорное упражнение

[1] В течение недели записывайте свои слова и автоматические паттерны мышления, которые за ними стоят.

Пример:

«Почему ты не можешь собраться самостоятельно, как твоя старшая сестра?»

– Я использовала автоматический паттерн «сравнение» по отношению к своему ребенку.

[2] В течение недели записывайте слова других людей и автоматические паттерны мышления, которые за ними стоят.

Пример:

Разговор в метро: «Женщина, вы что, не знаете, как себя вести в общественном месте? Вот деревня…»

– Этот человек использовал автоматический паттерн «критика».