Читать книгу: «Beyond the Storm»

To my parents

Chapter 1
2014

She squeezes her eyes tight shut and then opens them wide. As on other mornings, she wonders if perhaps she is dead, and exactly how she would know. The sun has not fully penetrated the maroon silk curtains, but creates a rosy pinkness in the gloom of the bedroom, which could be taken as heaven. A moment later the clatter of the drinks trolley in the corridor convinces Anna that it is not heaven, and that she is still alive. She remembers that today is her hundredth birthday.

The continuous preparations have become more than a little irritating, but she’s tried to keep quiet, to accept it in good humour. Tomorrow is the great day, they kept reminding her, making a ridiculous fuss about it. As though one day makes such a difference, even this day. Doreen had done her usual ‘popping in’ and asking if Anna was excited. She said yes she was, just to please her.

‘But don’t make too many advance preparations. After all, I might die in the night.’

‘Anna! Honestly, shame on you!’

‘There’s no shame in death. What a waste of effort it would be, and such a disappointment for the other residents.’

Doreen didn’t like that.

‘You’re a terrible pessimist, Anna.’

Such a fool. Did she think optimism would ensure eternal life?

‘Not at all. I’m not a pessimist – just a realist. We all have to die. In fact, at one day before my hundredth birthday, the chances must be quite high.’

‘Oh, Anna, do try to be more cheerful. We’ll all have a lovely day tomorrow.’

Well, she has survived the night and ‘the great day’ has arrived. Eve appears soon after morning coffee. She settles Anna in the wheelchair in a quiet alcove off the main lounge, making sure the maroon cushion (matching the curtains) at her back is plumped up, her shawl symmetrical, and her skirt smoothed over her knees. On the wall opposite is a large mirror with a gilt frame, slightly chipped in places. Anna rarely examines herself in a mirror these days, but in this position she has little choice. The mirror is barely a metre away and shows her entire body, in cruel detail.

She stares at her reflection. How tired she looks. And old – so very old, she realises with shock. Her face is small, almost childlike. The flesh, now pale and sallow, has loosened around the jaw, forming two soft jowls. The skin around her eyes has darkened, as if perpetually shadowed by fatigue. Yet, Anna notes with satisfaction, she remains scarcely lined. Always small, she seems to have shrunk into an almost gnome-like form, her body engulfed by the wheelchair. Her legs, discoloured and blotchy from poor circulation, dangle above the floor like a child’s. Her hair has been set in neat waves. Anna is very particular about it – very particular about physical appearance in general. People these days seem happy to look totally ungroomed. Anna tuts out loud to herself at the thought.

‘Mmm?’ says Eve. Anna shakes her head. The hairdresser comes every Thursday and Anna rarely misses an appointment. Her thick, dark curls were once admired by all. Even now, she notices, much black hair shows through the white. She turns her head from one side to the other and looks round to Eve with a soft sigh.

‘I’m getting so grey now.’

Eve laughs. ‘Don’t you think you’re entitled to have some grey hair at a hundred?’

The only image of herself Anna allows to be displayed in her room is a studio photograph arranged as a present for Sam, soon after they first married. In it, Anna looks film-star beautiful; her hair is sculpted in Forties’ style, her skin pale and smooth as milk. She gazes aslant at the camera from darkly sultry eyes, a faint, enigmatic smile on her lips. Even now, over seventy years later, it is how she likes to picture herself.

The staff fuss around Anna. Eve crouches by her mother’s chair, always ready to be her interpreter. Anna knows she’s on show, expected to be the life and soul of the party, but she can’t hear, can’t make out what people are asking her.

Doreen looms over Anna, stroking her hand.

‘Are you having a nice time, Anna dear?’ she shouts.

Anna smiles uncertainly up at her, glancing at Eve for reassurance, working out what response is needed.

‘Very nice party, thank you,’ she says. Or rather, ‘sank you’. She’s never lost her accent, even after all these years.

Doreen grins and nods. Behind her a nervous-looking young man is shifting from one foot to the other. Doreen stands up and grabs him by the arm. She pulls him down to the level of Anna’s chair.

‘Anna, this is Simon. He’s a reporter with the local newspaper. They’re doing an article about very old age.’ She speaks slowly and enunciates every word clearly. Anna grits her teeth. As though talking to a half-wit. She frowns at Doreen.

‘Simon would like to ask you a few questions, for the paper!’

Anna shrugs and turns to the young man.

He squats in front of Anna, notebook in hand. His knees crackle. Even she can hear them. From beside Anna’s chair, Doreen gesticulates to remind him to speak loudly.

‘Hello, Mrs Lawrence. How does it feel to be a hundred years old?’ he bellows.

Anna searches his face and considers the question.

‘Well …’ she says, ‘I do feel very old. A hundred is very old, but so is ninety-nine, and ninety-eight. I’m not sure I feel much different just by being a hundred. In fact, it does not feel real to me. Of course I know I am a hundred, but it’s as if it is happening to someone else.’

Simon scribbles furiously, then glances at her eagerly.

‘Do you have any secrets of long life you would like to share with our readers?’

‘It’s no secret. One minute you are young – like you. You think you will always be young. Of course, young people cannot imagine ever being old. But time goes on and on. Suddenly you are not so young, and you come to realise you will be old one day too, if you are lucky enough to live. And now … well, to be a hundred is extraordinary, for me too. Really it is too long to live.’

Anna slumps back in her chair, breathing fast after this lengthy speech, as if exhausted. Simon has been writing with concentration. He looks up.

‘So … so you don’t have any health tips for others, who might want to … er … live as long as you?’

Anna stares at him.

‘I used to walk a lot. I never learned to drive. My husband wanted to teach me, but I didn’t want to learn. Maybe that helped. I walked everywhere – well into my eighties. But people didn’t think so much about healthy eating when I was young. We ate anything we could and were glad of it. After the First World War, when the Allied Forces occupied Vienna, they allowed one child from each family to come to a soup kitchen to be fed. Of my sisters, I was the skinniest, so they sent me. I was only four or five years old. My sisters were so jealous! T’ja, we were all hungry. But I was terribly ashamed, even at that age, to have to stand in line with all the poor children and accept charity – charity from the enemy! I hated that soup kitchen. Vah!’ She pulls a face and shudders in horror, as if finding a disgusting, wriggling creature crawling on her body.

Anna pictures the hall with its queues of children, Kaethe pushing her forward, muttering in her ear: ‘Smile at the gentlemen, say thank you.’ There at the high table she could hardly see over, soldiers had ladled out hot soup into her proffered bowl, grinning and saying words she could not understand. She had glared at them, those foreign soldiers. She wouldn’t smile, even though Kaethe had pinched her arm and hissed at her.

Anna looks at Simon. He shifts his gaze from her to Eve, as if unsure whether her revelations should be included in his article. He smiles and nods.

‘You’ve always eaten a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables, haven’t you, Mum?’ Eve puts in loudly.

‘Oh right, fresh fruit and vegetables.’ Simon writes it down. ‘OK. And what did you think about your birthday card from the Queen, Mrs Lawrence?’

‘Well of course, it’s what she does. It’s a tradition. Once, maybe she wrote them all herself, when there were not so many people who lived to over a hundred. Now there are too many of us! I expect she has her assistants to help write and send them all. It doesn’t mean much to me. I prefer the cards I was given by my family and by people who care for me.’

Simon appears disappointed by this reply. Anna is quick to occupy the pause in the questioning.

‘Have you worked long for this local paper?’ she asks.

‘No, about three months actually. It’s my first job after graduating.’

‘And you hope to work for one of the bigger papers one day? The Daily Mail, or The Guardian perhaps?’

Simon laughs and seems to relax for the first time during the interview. ‘Well, that would be very nice, but right now I’m happy to be working for my little local rag – and talking to you, of course.’

‘What else do you want to know?’

‘Where do you come from, Mrs Lawrence, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘Where do I come from? That’s a hard question. Originally, I come from Vienna, as I just said. Then the Nazis came to power and things got very difficult. We could not stay in Austria. So I escaped to Palestine with my first husband, Jakob.’ Anna pauses, picturing their arrival at Haifa for a moment. She looks back to Simon. He is staring at her, his pencil frozen above his notebook.

‘Ja, poor Jakob. That was a hard time, a bad time. Then later I met my second husband, Sam. Sam was an Englishman. An Englishman through and through.’ Anna smiles and then sighs deeply. She feels Eve tapping her arm. Her eyes settle back on Simon.

‘What did you say your name is? I didn’t hear.’

‘It’s Simon.’

‘Simon. Simon, it’s a good name. I called my son Shimon just like you – my first son.’ Anna focuses steadily on a spot on the wall beside her, as though an image of her son might suddenly appear there.

‘Shimon was born long, long ago. But he was taken away. I could not keep him. I did not see him for many years. It is a terrible thing to be separated from your own child, terrible. As if a vital part of your own body is torn from you. I should never have agreed to be parted from him, but I had no choice, you see. So many years ago, so many years.’ She leans forward towards Simon. ‘It is strange to see your children grow old. That is one of the curses of being a hundred. No, it is not all wonderful, you know.’

Simon swallows audibly and shifts his position. Anna pauses and glances at Eve, who strokes her mother’s hand and nods encouragingly at her.

‘Much later, after Shimon, came Ben. He was Sam and my first child together. He was born in England during the last months of the war. At the end of the war Sam was posted to Berlin, so then Ben and I moved to join him in Germany. To Germany! Just imagine – into the arms of the enemy! That’s where Eve was born,’ she says, looking at Eve again. ‘We were in Germany for many years. We came to England when my husband retired.’

‘You’ve had quite a disrupted life then, Mrs Lawrence.’

‘Yes, you could certainly call it disrupted.’

Doreen appears with a glass of sherry for Anna, a drink she dislikes.

‘I think that’s quite enough questions!’ Doreen says, patting Simon’s shoulder. ‘People are waiting. The mayor’s arrived. We should move Anna into the main part of the lounge. We have to get on with the ceremonies – and everyone’s dying for a slice of Anna’s cake!’

Simon leaps to his feet. He bends over Anna’s chair and gently shakes her hand.

‘Thank you very much for talking so openly to me, Mrs Lawrence. I’ve really enjoyed meeting you. I’m sure people will be fascinated to read about your story.’

‘Hah! For you it may be a story, Simon. For me, it’s my life.’

He nods and backs towards the edge of the room. Anna is wheeled out of the alcove. Eve’s brother Ben has been hovering near the doorway of the large residents’ lounge with his wife, Nadia, and their three adult children, Charlie, Guy and Alma. Eve’s husband Richard stands talking to their two sons, Mark and Adam. Milling around the adults’ feet is a variously sized army of children and toddlers. Anna’s beloved daughter-in-law crouches low, admiring a bead bracelet held up by one of the little girls. She turns and smiles warmly as Anna is pushed in, bringing a lump to Anna’s throat. Alma holds the baby in her arms – Anna’s latest great-grandchild.

‘You look fantastic, Mum,’ Ben says. ‘Happy birthday!’

‘Thank you, my darlings. It’s lovely to see you all.’

She beams at her large family gathered around her. She searches the room anxiously. Are they all here? Not quite all, someone is missing. Where is he?

The children are ushered forward. Each child is embraced in turn, and each gives Anna his or her small present and card, watching intently as she struggles to unwrap it. She exclaims dutifully over every bar of soap and handkerchief, every photo frame and box of chocolates. Alma deposits the baby on Anna’s lap. He looks round uncertainly at his great-grandmother, his lip quivering. Anna smiles at him and strokes his soft curls. The baby notices a piece of shiny wrapping paper on Anna’s lap. He grabs it and becomes absorbed in crumpling it. The threatened tears are held at bay. Anna admires the baby’s eyes and marvels at how advanced he is for four months. She allows Simon to photograph her for the paper, surrounded by her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He promises copies for the family to keep.

A large platter is brought in with the cake, shaped as the figures of 100. A murmur of approval and anticipation rises from those residents who are sufficiently aware of the proceedings to notice. The cakes are ablaze with a hundred lit candles. A discordant rendering of ‘Happy birthday to you’ is sung while Anna blows out the candles, eagerly helped by the children. Small pieces of cake are distributed to all the residents and visitors. The children sit on the floor at Anna’s feet, with their paper plates and exhortations not to make a mess. Every now and then she smiles at one of them or pats a head. How sweet they are, so innocent. She struggles with remembering exactly which child is which.

The voices murmur on and on. She watches her children and grandchildren talking to one another. Every now and then one of them catches her eye and smiles or gives her a little wave. Anna is unsettled. She scans the family, knowing it is incomplete, waiting. The young people have gathered in a group at one side of the room and are laughing together uproariously. Anna smiles to see them. Then she sighs. Sam should be here. If only he could have seen his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. How he would have loved them. Sam always loved to grow things, but he never knew what a wonderful family he had grown.

Glancing out of the tall Edwardian window, Anna notices the sweep of a rainbow glowing against the pale wet sky of late afternoon. It makes her think of her mother suddenly, her poor mother, so long gone. ‘Find the rainbow, Anna,’ she used to say, ‘and then run towards it.’ Just a feeling, like a dream, an echo, from all those years ago. As the light fades from the sky outside, so too does the rainbow, leaving Anna with a strange emptiness, a sadness. Many of the residents are nodding in their chairs, if not actually sleeping. The smaller children are growing restless. Anna is ready for the peace of her own room.

Chapter 2
1945

Sam and Anna arrive in England in March 1945. After nearly six years of war, the country is in a dreary and depressed state. The first thing Anna notices is the greyness, the dark and gloom. They spend a few nights in London, where Sam takes pleasure in pointing out the sights to her: St Paul’s Cathedral, the Tower of London, Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. They avoid the worst of the bombed areas. Almost constant rain gives the blackened buildings an oily gloss.

Anna is thrilled to visit some of the famous places she has read about, but never dreamt of experiencing. Yet it’s a relief to move out of London to Sam’s brother and sister-in-law’s home in Surrey. At least there are green fields and trees, and towering skies. After the intense light of the Middle East, the brilliance of the sunshine, everything here looks washed out and monochrome. Even on sunny days the sky appears hazy and milky rather than blue.

‘If only we could go to Berlin together, Sam. Surely you could put in a request, in the circumstances? Why do we have to be apart, now of all times?’ She strokes the solid curve of her belly. Even as she says it, Anna has doubts. Could she really live in Germany? It’s a ridiculous, horrible idea. Yet, how could she possibly not live wherever Sam is?

Ten days later, Sam goes ahead with the first waves of Allied troops to Berlin. Over the coming months he sends Anna long accounts of the devastation and hardship he encounters there:

… the scene greeting us was one of utter desolation and despair. Berlin is totally destroyed. I know you feel little sympathy for the Germans, and why should you? Yet one cannot help but feel compassion for these people, most of them innocent civilians – victims of the war and of their own regime. Some live in the remains of their ruined homes, without doors or windows, often without complete walls. Others simply live on the street. There is no fuel, almost no food, and no security. Our Russian allies behaved abominably – like Mongol invaders in fact. Women of all ages have been abused and humiliated, and often their only means of support now is to sell themselves to their very abusers, in exchange for scraps of food. Young children forage like rats in the ruins and fight over any filthy crusts they may find. Old people are abandoned and left to die. It breaks my heart – but one can’t dwell on the individual tragedies. There is so much to do to get systems up and working again: water and food supplies, shelter, transport, education, and on and on …

Anna, in England, is left to the mercies of Sam’s family, who offer her refuge dutifully, if perhaps reluctantly. Humphrey is all right. Tall and stooped like a much older man, despite being younger than Sam, Humphrey can be affectionate and funny. His blue eyes sparkle and his lips twitch when he makes some pointed comment and waits for a reaction. Anna does not always understand his humour; she supposes it to be of a very English, dry and ironic variety. She likes Humphrey and, though never completely sure of him, she believes he likes her.

Constance, on the other hand, is prickly and easily offended. Anna does not know exactly why Constance seems to find her so threatening; perhaps it is the child she is expecting? Yet Constance has three beautiful daughters of her own. At ten and eight, the older two are away in a boarding school, only seeing their parents for occasional weekends and in the holidays. It seems a horrible practice to Anna. Why have children, only to send them away? The youngest daughter, a little girl of three, is largely in the care of a nanny, known in the family as Nanny Lawrence. The child is brought into the drawing room after tea, prettily dressed, to be admired and caressed briefly and then returned to the nursery. Looking at the little girl, Anna is reminded of Rachel and their times together in Haifa, her lap a void longing to be filled. After a while, little Camilla learns to come to her for hugs and silly games, until Anna is scolded by Nanny Lawrence for spoiling the child.

She tries hard to understand Constance, to learn her expectations and fulfil them. Certainly, Constance does not consider it her role to bridge the cultural gulf between them. As Sam’s wife, it is for Anna to adjust to her new situation, to learn the rules. Constance sees herself as keeper of Humphrey’s reputation as a respected GP. She is ever alert to any threat to his position in the community. Anna knows that despite nearly two months of guidance and schooling in social etiquette, Constance finds her a frustratingly slow pupil. How strange it is, this English world of respectability and suppressed outrage.

In Humphrey and Constance’s library Anna finds a copy of Alice in Wonderland. She thinks as a children’s story it will be simple and may help her with colloquial English. The language turns out to be far from simple, yet it fascinates Anna, parodying as it does this very world of saying one thing and meaning something quite different. As she soon learns, Constance is an expert in this field. When by chance they meet a neighbour or acquaintance in the street or in a shop, Constance seems so delighted to see her, so warm and friendly. She admires her outfit, enquires after the health of the husband, enthuses over the achievements of the children. Yet, a few moments later, when they go their separate ways, Constance begins a terrifying assassination. She ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in that suit’; the husband is definitely not ‘top-drawer’ (Anna has to ask Constance to explain these expressions); the children are ill-mannered and dull.

Anna is well aware that she makes Constance anxious, afraid that Humphrey may be shown up by his brother’s strange foreign wife and her unpredictable ways. Anna does not believe Constance dislikes her. In her way, she seems quite fond of Anna, but it is the uneasy affection one might have for a half-trained dog, which though appealing, could at any moment slip its collar and run riot.

Constance and Humphrey continue to entertain whenever they can – ‘after a fashion’ as Constance puts it. Small dinner parties are a regular occurrence at the Lawrence household.

‘It’s important to try to uphold our pre-war standards,’ Constance maintains to Anna as they prepare for one such evening.

Charles and Susan Jennings settle themselves at the table. Anna has met Susan before; Constance had taken her to a ‘coffee morning’ at the Jennings’ house the previous week, where cups of weak coffee had been served, bitter with chicory. Susan is a blonde, middle-aged woman with a pale, washed-out complexion. She has a habit of shaking with little spasms of giggling whenever she makes a contribution to the conversation.

Her husband Charles is Humphrey’s senior partner – a large, noisy, red-faced man. He sits on Anna’s right. As usual, Constance insists on placing Anna at her right-hand side. Anna is aware that this is not to favour her; it is not intended as an honour. On the contrary, Constance feels the need to keep a sharp eye on her, perhaps give her a meaningful prod or surreptitious kick under the table, or whisper advice under her breath. When Anna absently strokes the growing sphere of her belly, Constance indicates her disapproval with an audible exhalation through clenched teeth, accompanied by a hard stare.

Everyone’s attention is on Humphrey, carving a scrawny chicken bestowed on him by a grateful patient. Little gifts like this are not infrequent and are an important supplement to the rations. Charles Jennings leans close to Anna, speaking softly in her ear in a manner both confidential and flirtatious.

‘You look most charming, my dear. Splendid dress. Brightens up this drab weather no end. Just what we all need.’

Anna smiles at his looming face, suddenly uncertain how to respond. She glances round at Constance, who purses her lips and gazes about the table. Is this another of the sarcastic and indirect remarks she finds so confusing? Suddenly she feels that her red dress – so painstakingly sewn on Yael’s machine from a pair of cotton curtains in preparation for her pregnancy – stands out vividly and inappropriately. It is also more suited to the Palestinian climate. She rubs her bare arms. Since arriving in England Anna has suffered constantly from the cold, not so much outside – Sam’s mother has given her a thick woollen coat of her own, and one can put on several layers – but in the damp, unheated houses.

‘Honestly, I don’t know how you two manage it,’ Susan says, with a giggle. ‘Even in these hard times you always put on a splendid table, with everything so smart and spick and span!’

‘Spick and span, eh? I nearly had to come to the dinner table unshaven tonight!’ Humphrey is passing plates to his guests, each with a tiny portion of carved chicken. ‘Not a drop of hot water left.’ Humphrey smiles at Anna in a knowing manner, like a kindly schoolteacher who has caught out a favourite pupil in an unexpected misdemeanour.

‘Oh dear …?’ Anna says sympathetically, even as she senses uneasily that she has not fully understood the significance of the remark. Constance frowns at Humphrey, shaking her head faintly. It is truly a marvel, Anna thinks, how Constance can maintain a rigid smile on her lips, while frowning with the rest of her face.

‘I know you’re still not used to just how scarce the hot water is here,’ Humphrey blunders on. All eyes around the table are now alternating between Humphrey and Anna, as though following a tennis match. ‘I mean, in ordinary times it’s fine to fill the bathtub to the brim, but … er … right now, with fuel shortages … well, there’s not much to go round, is there? But then, how should you know that, eh? No matter though, no matter.’

Humphrey’s remarks hang in the air like a chill fog. Anna is unsure if she is expected to reply, but a hard knot of anger rises in her chest and hammers against her ribs.