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Chapter 1

Facial wounds bleed a lot. I was reminded of that the day my brother Cole had a bad wreck at a rodeo in Lethbridge, Alberta. In the finals on Sunday, Cole drew a rank bull that hadn’t been ridden in fourteen outs. It was a nasty looking black and white Brahman that rammed its skull into the rail I was standing on.

After Cole eased down into the chute, I took a deep breath, pulled the bull rope, and slapped his back three times for good luck — just the way our dad used to. Cole secured his hat and tucked his chin before he nodded. The gate opened and the bull exploded into the arena with the same force as the adrenaline that shot through me.

A country song blared over the loud speakers, and the crowd cheered as the bull cranked out a succession of belly rolls and shivers. The bull turned into Cole’s hand and side bucked before it whipped around and reared back. He spun twice more to the left, then jumped and kicked with a twist that should have knocked my brother off. When the eight-second buzzer went, Cole reached down with his free hand, jerked his riding hand out of his rope, dismounted, and landed on his feet. He didn’t even lose his hat.

Once I was sure he was all right, I hollered, “Yeah! Now, that’s how it’s done.”

The other guys working the chutes gave me high fives before I leaned over the railing to slap palms with a bullfighter named Mutt. A score of ninety flashed up on the board, Cole tipped his hat to the crowd and then fanned the bull as it ran by him.

Mutt chuckled. “There he goes, stirring the pot again.”

“Shit,” I mumbled and checked over my shoulder. The last thing we needed was Cole disrespecting the stock contractor. I jumped down from the chute and jogged over to where Cole was making his way down the front row signing a bunch of programs and one particularly nice cleavage. Saving him from himself was getting to be a full time job.

“Okay, tone it down,” I said as I pushed him under the grandstand where it reeked of stale beer and popcorn.

“Why? I’m just giving them their money’s worth.”

“Yeah, well, Ron Miller looks like he’s about to stroke out because you fanned one of his best bulls. Stop showboating.”

He shrugged his shoulders dismissively. “I get sponsors by working the crowd, not by kissing a stock contractor’s ass. I couldn’t care less about Ron Miller.”

“You should care because —”

We both stopped talking and watched the last rider leave the chute. He needed a ninety-two to beat Cole, which wasn’t likely, but it was possible.

After the eight-second buzzer went, Cole mumbled, “Damn. That was a good ride.” His cocky attitude faded and he chewed on the leather cuff of his glove as he stared at the scoreboard, waiting. Eventually, an eighty-seven flashed up on the screen. “Yeah, baby!” Cole shouted and thrust his arms victoriously into the air. “Looks like we’re eating steaks tonight.” He jumped on my back, hooting and hollering.

I pushed him off. Partly because he was acting like a fool, and partly because I was too tired to celebrate. “Just go get your buckle and the cheque so we can get the hell out of here.”

“Aw, come on, Billy. I want to party and the girls here are half-decent. Let’s stay a while.” He shoved my chest. “I bet that new barrel racer you’ve been staring at all weekend wouldn’t mind if you hung around tonight. What’s her name again?”

Although I knew exactly who he meant, I wanted to sleep in my own bed for the first time in two weeks, not hang around while he got rowdy. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.” I pulled my hat down at the front and spit tobacco juice on the dirt near his boot.

He laughed at my avoidance tactic. “Yes, you do. The blonde with the white horse and the tight ass.”

I removed my hat and ran my fingers through my hair as I scanned the crowd, looking for her. “I’m tired. I just want to go home.”

“You’re too young to be tired. And if you don’t rope that filly, I will.”

“Don’t,” I warned.

He smiled at my reaction. “I knew you liked her. Let’s stay.”

“No. My credit card is maxed out. Meet me at the truck. We’re going home.”

“Come on, Billy. We can stay for a while,” he begged as the rodeo queen approached us. Her hair was three feet wide, her make-up was three inches thick, and there were so many sequins on her outfit it was almost blinding.

She smiled in a flirty way and linked her arm around Cole’s elbow. “Come on, darling. It’s time for the presentation.”

He winked at me, confident that he had convinced me to stay. Then he walked away with her.

“I’ll leave without you,” I shouted.

He waved jokingly without looking back. The cloud of perfume the rodeo queen likely wore to kill the stench of bullshit lingered — even after they were already at the champion’s platform near the grandstand. Watching someone else take home the buckle and prize money was never something that sat well with me, not even when it was my own brother. When they announced Cole’s name, I wandered out past the back pens. My phone rang as I reached the lot where the participants all parked and camped. I wasn’t in the mood to talk, but she would keep calling if I didn’t answer.

“Hey, Ma.”

“Is your brother still in one piece?”

“Yeah. He won. How did your doctor’s appointment go?”

“Fine. Everything is about the same. How are you doing, hon?”

A combination of frustration and exhaustion shot out of my mouth when I exhaled. “I think it’s time for me to stop touring and get back to making a regular paycheque.”

“Cole won’t take his medications or eat properly if you’re not there with him. You know that.”

“He’s a big boy. I can’t spend the rest of my life following around after him picking up his messes.”

I knew she had hoped if I stayed on the tour for Cole’s sake I would eventually start riding again. It didn’t work. The more I hung around without competing, the more I hated it. I spit tobacco juice onto the grass.

“Are you chewing?”

“No, Ma’am.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I ain’t chewing.” I paced around on the grass looking out at the horizon. She didn’t say anything else, so I said, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him. We’ll see you tonight.”

She sighed. “Okay. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I hung up and turned to drop the tailgate of my truck, because Cole knew I wouldn’t leave without him, and I knew he was going to take forever milking the win.

Shae-Lynn Roberts, the youngest daughter of the best chuckwagon racer in the country, leaned against the side of the truck wearing jeans and a white tank top. She’d already brushed out the curls she wore for competition and had her hair pulled back into a ponytail.

“Hey Billy. How’s your mom?”

“Good.” I sat down on the tailgate and reached for a bottle of beer out of the cooler that I kept in the back.

“Is she still having falls?”

I glanced at her, not really wanting to get into it, but I knew she was asking because she actually cared, so I said, “Yeah. The doctor wants her to start using a wheelchair.”

“A wheelchair. Really? I didn’t realize she’d gotten that bad.” Her eyebrows angled together in a genuinely sympathetic expression that made me uncomfortable.

I shot back some beer, then changed the subject to steer her away from the topic of my mom’s health. “You took first place again.”

“Yes, I did.” She paused for a second, aware that I had purposefully avoided the other conversation. After some contemplation she must have decided to let me get away with it. “Did you see my run?”

“Yup. It was good. It could have been better though.”

She propped her right hand on her hip and cocked her head to the side. “Really? What do you think I did wrong?”

“Harley dropped his shoulder at the first barrel.”

“Oh, and you’re an expert on barrel racing now?”

I chuckled. “You know how much rodeo I’ve watched in my life.” I flicked the beer cap into the cooler. “You don’t have to take my advice if you don’t want to. I don’t care.”

Her expression changed again and she raised her eyebrow as if she thought I was being rude. “Aren’t you going to offer me a drink?”

“You ain’t old enough to drink.”

She made a sweeping gesture with her arm to remind me where we were. “The drinking age in Alberta is eighteen.”

I tipped the bottle back and drank almost half. She stared at me, still waiting for me to offer. “What?” I asked.

“What do you mean what? I turned eighteen last month. You and Cole ate some of the cake my mom made. Remember?”

I remembered the cake, but I didn’t remember it was for her birthday. Even if I did know it was for her birthday, I would have sworn she was no more than sixteen. I didn’t care enough to argue with her, though, so I reached into the cooler and handed her a beer.

“Thanks.” She sat down beside me on the tailgate, eager to give it a go. I watched as she unsuccessfully tried to twist the cap off. She struggled with it for a while then, in frustration, handed it to me to do it for her.

“I thought barrel racers were supposed to be highly toned athletes.” I grinned to tease her as I popped the cap off and gave the bottle back to her.

She made a mocking expression to let me know she didn’t find my joke particularly funny. Then her gaze shifted to my mouth. She squished up her nose in disgust and asked, “How do you drink with tobacco in your mouth?”

“Practice,” I said, then tipped the bottle back to prove it.

About as impressed with my tobacco chewing as my mom was, she said, “Nice,” in a sarcastic tone. She stared at her beer bottle for a while as if she was building up the courage. After a quick breath she took a swig. It was obvious from the way her face twisted that she didn’t like the taste. She tried another sip and gagged as if she wanted to spit it out.

I laughed. “You want me to finish that?”

She gladly handed it to me. “It tastes like piss.”

“You have to drink enough to forget about how bad it tastes. Eventually, if you drink more, you start to forget about how bad everything else is too.”

She shuddered and cringed, still disgusted.

My attention shifted to Tawnie Lang, the barrel racer with the white horse and the tight ass. She was exiting the grandstand with all the other spectators. As she passed by, she removed the sky blue hat that matched the colour of her eyes and ran her fingers through her long blonde hair. It was about then that I decided it wouldn’t be so bad if we stayed one more night. I finished my beer and watched her walk towards her horse trailer.

“Oh my God. Stop drooling at the new girl,” Shae-Lynn mumbled.

I turned my head to spit tobacco juice on the grass. “I wasn’t drooling at nothing and she’s not new. I remember her from the junior circuit.”

“Oh.” Shae-Lynn glanced over her shoulder in a casual way to check Tawnie out. “Where’s she been since?”

I shrugged, wondering the same thing, then started on her beer. The cherry flavour of her lipgloss on the mouth of the bottle balanced out the horrible flavour of the tobacco that was getting washed down my throat.

Shae-Lynn faced me again and asked, “Why don’t you ask her out?”

“Who says I want to?”

“It’s obvious. You’ve been staring at her all weekend.”

I looked over at Tawnie, then back at Shae-Lynn. “I don’t date girls on the circuit.”

“Wouldn’t you make an exception for the right girl?”

I shrugged noncommittally. It wasn’t likely. I couldn’t imagine myself being interested in dating anyone, especially someone who didn’t live in the same city as I did. Shae-Lynn stopped asking questions and we sat quietly for a long time. The colours of the sky changed and deepened as the sun got lower. I watched the spectators file out of the grandstand. Shae-Lynn seemed to be staring at her fingernails, thinking.

She sighed. “You sure don’t talk all that much since what happened to your dad.”

That change in topic came out of nowhere, and it caught me off guard since everyone else on the circuit acted as if they would rather cut out their tongue than talk to Cole or me about our dad. “I’m talking to you right now, ain’t I?”

“Sort of. Not really.” She swung her feet back and forth. “Do you think it might help if you talked about what happened?”

“Help what?”

“You.”

“I don’t need help,” I said, but it came out less convincing than I meant it to.

“You haven’t ridden since it happened.”

Uncomfortable with the fact that she could obviously see right through me, I spit on the grass and opened another beer to ignore her statement.

She watched me for a while, then said, “The sooner you get back on a bull, the better.”

I exhaled and scratched the back of my neck. I’d been thinking about officially leaving rodeo, but hadn’t even told Cole yet. Since she was hell bent on talking about my issues, I decided to practice telling her to test how Cole might react. “I’m thinking about retiring.”

“What? Why? You’re ranked number one.” She nearly shrieked — confirmation that Cole was going to lose his shit when I told him.

“I don’t want to still be doing this when I’m fifty years old. I’d rather get out now and finish university while I’m still young.”

“You can do both. The season doesn’t interfere with classes.”

“I also have to work and take care of my mom.”

She nodded as if she understood that part. She also frowned because she knew as well as I did that I was grasping for excuses. Unfortunately, instead of letting it go, she pressed on, “That’s nice of you to take care of your mom, but you don’t need to stop riding. You shouldn’t quit because your dad’s wreck spooked you.”

Frustrated that she was forcing me to go to an emotional place I didn’t want to visit, I threw the empties in the cooler. “I’m not spooked. I just don’t want to waste my life touring around shit-hole towns with a bunch of hicks abusing my body and killing my liver just to end up dead in the ring one day.”

“What happened to your dad was a fluke accident. The best way to get over the fear is to get back on.”

“Listen, Shae-Lynn, I ain’t scared. And I ain’t interested in talking about it with you.”

Not impressed with my harsh tone, she hopped off the tailgate and glared at me. “You don’t have to be an asshole about it. And how many times do I have to ask you to call me Shae? You know I don’t like it when you add the Lynn.”

“It’s your name.”

“It makes me sound hick.”

I mimicked her sweeping arm gesture to present to her the grass parking lot in the middle of nowhere that was filled with campers and horse trailers. “I hate to break it to you, but this is about as hick as it gets.”

“I’m not hick. Call me Shae.” She took two strides, then turned and pointed at me as she walked backwards. “And, by the way, if you decide that you want Tawnie Lang to date you, you should probably know that chewing tobacco is repulsive and ain’t isn’t a word. Quitting the rodeo isn’t going to make you any less hick, Billy Ray Ryan.” She spun back around and stormed off towards her family’s motorhome.

Tyson Wiese, my brother’s best friend, stole a beer out of the cooler. He grinned at Shae-Lynn’s feistiness as he watched her go. He had a shiner from knocking the bull’s behind when he got thrown, so he squinted at me with one open eye. “I came over to get you. Cole just took a crazy bet.”

“What?” Not again. “For how much?”

“Double or nothing on his prize money.”

“God damn it. What’s he planning on doing?”

Tyson chuckled as if he didn’t quite believe it himself. “Ride Freight Train for eight.”

Damn it. That’s crazy. “When?”

“Right now. Before it gets dark.”

I hopped off the tailgate and jogged to the chutes cursing Cole under my breath the entire way. The grandstand was empty and there were only a few people still lingering around the edge of the arena fence. The bull named Freight Train was already loaded into a chute and Cole was taping his riding glove around his wrist. I shoved his shoulder. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Ron Miller is going to pay me two thousand dollars to ride one bull.”

“You mean you’re going to pay Ron Miller two thousand dollars to get tossed off one bull. I already told Mom you won.”

“I got this. Don’t worry about it.” He put his black mouthguard in, then smiled with the excessive confidence he always had right before he did something stupid.

“Freight Train is rank. He ain’t never been ridden. He put four guys in the hospital.”

Cole slapped my shoulder, undeterred. “You worry too much. Besides, I already shook the man’s hand. Let’s go make some money.”

The only thing harder than getting Cole to do something he didn’t want to do was stopping him from doing something he did want to do. It was usually easier to just let him do whatever he wanted and clean up the pieces afterwards. I gave up trying to argue sense into him, shook my head in frustration, and followed him. We both climbed the chute. It was already loaded with the black hairy mass of bovine muscle that was trying to shoulder its way through the metal rails. “Where are the bullfighters?” I asked.

“This is between me and the bull,” Cole said, believing the delusion that he was invincible.

“Jesus, you’re going to get killed.”

Without even pausing to let it the danger sink in, Cole eased himself down onto Freight Train’s back. “Just pull my rope.”

“Cole, come on. This is crazy.”

He looked at me with a wild expression in his eyes and smiled. “You’ll be thanking me later.”

“I doubt it.” I relented and pushed my boot against Freight Train’s shoulder to get him to move over. Then I pulled the rope as tight as I could. For some reason, what Shae-Lynn had said hadn’t left my head. It was bugging me. “Hey, does it sound hick when I say ain’t?”

Cole looked at me and laughed at the random question. “Yeah, you sound hick. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing. I don’t know. Never mind. Just don’t get yourself killed.”

When Cole finished weaving the loose end of the rope through his fingers, I slapped him three times on his back. He tucked his chin and nodded.

It was that fast — no time to think about it meant no time to change his mind. That was how Cole did everything. Tyson opened the gate to the chute, Ron pulled the flank strap, and Freight Train exploded straight up in the air. His back hoof just missed catching my face and instead, sprayed me with a sloppy mix of dirt and manure.

“Whoo!” Tyson hollered. “Hold on, Cole. Yeah, baby.”

I glanced at the clock then back at my brother. It started out as a good ride. Then Freight Train sucked back and rolled his belly. Cole slid off balance. Since all he had to do was hold on, it didn’t matter that it wasn’t pretty.

When the buzzer rang at eight seconds, I exhaled and turned to smile smugly at Ron Miller. He threw down his hat in frustration, but his expression immediately changed. Without hesitating, he leapt over the fence into the arena. I spun around to see what he was doing.

Cole was hung up.

He was dangling by one arm and Freight Train was slamming him against the fence. I couldn’t move. My mouth went dry and my knees felt as if they were going to give out on me. The image of my dad being hung up flashed. Then I blinked and saw Cole again.

Adrenaline flooded into my veins and snapped me out of my paralysis. I jumped into the arena and ran across the thick soft dirt to the other side, but Freight Train changed directions before I got there. Ron and Tyson headed him off and made him veer away from the fence. Cole was still hung up bad and his legs were getting trampled.

Three more cowboys jumped into the arena, but none of us had experience bullfighting. Tyson was able to release the flank strap. All that did was stop Freight Train from kicking. He was still sprinting around and ramming Cole against the rails. Freight Train came straight at me, so I waved my arms to slow him down. He dropped his head and tried to horn me. I lunged to the left, but he got close enough to brush me. I wasn’t wearing a protective vest, so he tore right through my shirt. When he circled around, I jumped on his shoulder and tried to free Cole’s bull rope. It wasn’t possible to get a good hold of it because the bull jerked in the other direction and took Cole with him, knocking me on my ass.

Before I had a chance to stand up, a palomino horse blew by me at full speed. It was Shae-Lynn riding bareback on her barrel horse, Harley. She raced around the arena to catch up with Freight Train. It took her a few attempts before she was able to manoeuvre her horse to nudge the bull off the rails and pull in alongside. She tried to lift Cole by his Kevlar vest, but she wasn’t strong enough to carry his weight. Cole attempted to kick his leg up onto Harley. His arm hung like it was made of string, though, and he couldn’t get enough momentum. When his legs dropped back down, they got stomped by Harley’s hind hoof.

“Free the rope,” I yelled.

Shae-Lynn leaned over and tugged at the rope, but Freight Train turned into Harley and the jolt almost threw her over the front. Tyson stepped into the sight of the bull to redirect him back. Shae-Lynn repositioned, then tugged at the rope one more time.

Cole fell to the ground.

“Get up,” I shouted as I ran towards where he was lying in the dirt. “Get up!”

Freight Train spun around to face Cole. He snorted air out of his nostrils and hoofed the dirt getting ready to charge. Cole scrambled to his feet and hurried to the fence with his right arm flopping around. I ran between Cole and Freight Train. My plan was to distract him long enough to let Cole get to the fence — I distracted him all right — he forgot all about Cole and stampeded full speed at me before ramming his massive rock hard head into my ribcage.

He lifted his snout and launched me into the air.

After what seemed like eight seconds, gravity kicked in and the ground finally collided with my body, crushing all the air out of my lungs. My throat made a horrible sucking sound, but it didn’t actually pull any oxygen into my chest. I couldn’t move.

“Get up, Billy!” Cole shouted, frantic.

As I stared up at the darkening sky, waiting for my body to start working, I thought about how they were all going to mock me for getting freight trained by Freight Train. I was about to laugh at the irony when a huge hoof slammed down on my cheek.

The left side of my face shattered like a dropped teacup.

At first, everything was silent except for my pulse thudding through my ears. The side of my face felt warm and wet. When my hearing came back, I heard shouting. Then Shae-Lynn whimpered. “Oh my God. Billy.” She knelt beside me and her hand wrapped around mine. “Call an ambulance,” she shouted over her shoulder. “Somebody call an ambulance!” She started crying.

“Oh shit,” Cole said. I couldn’t see him. I could only hear the panic in his voice. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Ty, it’s bad. He’s hurt bad. It looks bad.” He kept his distance because he couldn’t handle the sight of blood. He never could handle it, but it got worse after we both witnessed our dad get killed. “How bad is it?”

Tyson crouched on my other side and took an objective look at my face. He scrunched his nose. “He’s conscious, but his face is caved in.”

“Oh my God. There’s so much blood,” Shae-Lynn whispered. “We have to get him to the hospital.”

“Shae-Lynn,” I tried to say, but it sounded like a gurgle because blood was pooled in the back of my throat. I turned my head and coughed out thick dark red liquid. Unfortunately, the coughing made the broken bones shift around. It hurt real bad. I stuck my fingers in my mouth and pulled out the tobacco along with three teeth. I squeezed her hand. “Make sure he takes his medication.”

“I will. Don’t even worry about anything.”

“That —” I had to cough again. “— was dangerous.”

“Yes, it was. You’re an idiot.”

I tried to smile, but moving my face made blood gush out. “Not me. You.”

“Don’t talk, Billy. Oh God. Cole, do something. He’s bleeding to death.”

“Where’s the damn ambulance?” Cole yelled.

That was the last thing I remembered.