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Chapter 2

After nearly twelve trips and a lot of sweating and swearing, I got all my stuff into my car. Despite it being freezing outside, I peeled off my winter coat and just wore my ratty sweatshirt, my breath visible in the January air. People walked by and gave me looks, and I knew what they were thinking. Just another student who couldn’t hack it and was being forced to leave and not come back after Christmas break.

They didn’t have any idea.

I went back up to the half-bare room and looked at it one more time.

Goodbye, freedom.

I didn’t bother to leave my roommate a note and just shut the door behind me. It wasn’t like she’d care anyway.

I texted Kelly that I was leaving, but she didn’t respond. Big surprise. Other than Kelly, there wasn’t really anyone else at UNH that I had left to say goodbye to. I hadn’t heard from Matt since before the summer, when he’d broken up with me. The others, my little circle of friends, had long since lost touch with the crazy, reckless emo girl. I’d heard them talking about my transformation behind my back more than once.

Snow was just starting to float down from the sky when I got back downstairs to my car. I could barely see out the rearview mirror, but I was mostly driving on the highway anyway.

I plugged my iPod into my car speakers and hit Shuffle. It was going to be a long trip and I only had music for company. The sleeve on my sweatshirt rode up, exposing the bracelet I never took off. It was simple, just a chain with a little elephant charm on it. I kept it as a reminder. A constant reminder.

Shaking my head, I pulled away from the dorm and headed for the highway and the next chapter in my life. A fresh start was irrelevant when the dark things in your past were always following you.

* * *

It took me longer than I anticipated to get from New Hampshire to my sister’s house in Bangor, Maine. Actually, it wasn’t even her house. She’d moved in with this guy Hunter, who was buying the house because he was apparently loaded. Leave it to Renee to find a rich friend. She was also on again with her boyfriend, Paul, which was a good thing, in my opinion, because she was a pain in the ass when she wasn’t with him. Even more so than she was when she was with him.

I hadn’t seen the house before, so it was a bit of a shock when I parked in front of the house Renee had given me directions for.

“Damn,” I said. It was huge. Way huger than Renee had let on. I’d pictured something a little run-down, and small, but this was bigger than any house I’d ever lived in, with Mom or Dad.

I grabbed my backpack and headed up the porch steps, glancing at the cars in the driveway as I passed them. It was easy to spot Renee’s, so I knew I must have the right place.

There was even a freaking doorbell. My finger was an inch away from ringing it when the door flew open.

“There you are! I was worried you were lying in a ditch somewhere,” Renee said, flinging herself at me. Startled by the hug, I sort of stood there and kind of hugged her back.

“I’m here.”

Somehow, I’d gotten a recessive redhead gene in our family and ended up with carrot-red hair, freckles and green eyes. Renee had gotten the good genes, with her blue eyes and blond hair that didn’t need much highlighting. Our features were similar, but our coloring was so different that people never thought we were sisters.

She finally stopped hugging me, but kept her hand clamped on my shoulder and steered me into the house, as if I was going to make a run for it. Where, I didn’t know. Renee had mentioned something about Stephen King living down the street, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be any safer at his house anyway.

“How was the driving?” Renee closed the door behind us and it clicked shut with finality.

“Fine,” I said, glancing around the house. Damn. Again. I didn’t know who had decorated, but they’d obviously used those crazy home-improvement magazines as inspiration.

One thing was for sure—it didn’t look like a typical college crash pad. It was clean, first of all, and second, there seemed to be an actual scheme where things matched and went together. There were also a lot of peacock feathers, and similar peacock colors around. Renee had mentioned something about her roommate Taylor being obsessed with peacock stuff. I couldn’t remember why. I sort of tuned out when Renee gushed about her amazing and awesome life, while mine had gone into a downward spiral that never seemed to hit bottom.

“Hey, Jos. How are you doing?” Paul came around the corner. He was cute in one of those white-bread nerd ways. Not my type. Not that I had a type...anymore.

“Good.” It was a step up from fine. No one questioned you when you said you were good. Everyone thought there was something wrong with you if you said, “fine.”

He gave me an awkward hug. I’d seen him at Christmas when he’d kept Mom and Renee from throttling each other with varying success. I’d tried to tell him it was no use, but he’d done it anyway.

“Where’s everyone else?” I was actually looking forward to seeing Darah and meeting her new boyfriend. Darah was one of the sweetest people on the planet, and I knew if there was anyone who wouldn’t judge me, it would be her.

“They wanted to give us some space. They’ll be here later.” Something about the way she said it made me suspicious.

“They’re not going to make a big deal about it, are they?”

“No,” Renee said, not looking at me, but glancing at Paul. Something was afoot.

“So, how about we get your stuff inside, shall we? Come on, Paul.” Renee grabbed Paul’s hand and yanked him out the door.

“Uh, okay.” I was left standing in the foyer alone. I walked into the living room, which was gorgeously decorated, except for a mangy-looking recliner and the video games the guys had probably left scattered around. I saw the “Skyrim” box and smiled. Renee couldn’t get enough of that game. It had consumed quite a bit of her time over Christmas break.

I flopped down onto the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Even that was clean.

A thud sounded a second later as Renee and Paul brought in some of my stuff.

“Since we only have three bedrooms, you, my dear sister, get to stay in the newly refurbished basement. You’re lucky we decided to put in a guest room,” Renee said, panting.

“Great,” I said, although I wouldn’t have minded staying on the plush leather couch. It was the largest couch I’d ever seen and took up most of the living room.

“Why don’t you show her around and I’ll get the rest of the stuff,” Paul said. I got up from the couch and Renee led me down the stairs into the basement.

“Welcome to the man cave,” Renee said, waving her arm. A man cave indeed. A bar, a pool table, yet another gigantic couch and a television large enough for a movie theater. There were also several sports team posters, including the Red Sox, the Patriots and the Celtics. Go teams.

Renee led me toward the back of the space where there was a small guest room with a bathroom right beside it. Thank God. I wouldn’t have to share a bathroom. I’d done that in the dorms enough to last a lifetime.

“So this is it.” The room was decorated in tan and black, which was boring, but nice.

I sat down on the large bed and looked around at my new home.

“Okay, we have some ground rules,” Renee said, leaning against the dresser. Don’t even bother to beat around the bush, sis. Go ahead and get right to the point.

“Number one,” she said, holding up one finger. “You will inform me where you are and who you are with at all times. You will keep in touch via cell phone. You will also answer said phone when I call you, no matter what.”

I clamped my mouth shut. I didn’t want to provoke her in the middle of her speech that she’d clearly rehearsed, probably on Paul.

“Second—” she held up another finger “—there will be no partying. No drinking. No drugs. No substances of any kind other than aspirin. There will also be no passing out. Third, there will be a curfew which you will follow or suffer the consequences. Fourth, I may not be your mother, but you will treat me with respect, and that goes for the other people in this house. And fifth...” She didn’t seem to be able to come up with number five.

“Fifth?” I said after a few seconds of silence.

“I had a fifth one, but I can’t remember it right now,” she snapped. “But that doesn’t negate the other four. Do you agree to them?”

“Yeah,” I said. What did it matter?

“You said yes way too easily. I don’t believe you.”

Jesus. I was being criticized for being too agreeable.

“Whatever, Renee. Can I just be alone now?” I turned over on the bed, touching the sheets that were no doubt Egyptian cotton and had a crazy high thread count. Of course.

“Listen,” she said, sitting down next to me. Ugh, she always started her lectures like this. Just like Mom. Although, Renee’s lectures always had more cursing in them than Mom’s.

“You’re going through something right now. A phase, if you will. I’ve been there. Even Paul was there.” Yeah, I found that extremely hard to believe. And she had no idea what I was going through. She thought she did, but she didn’t. No one did, and I couldn’t explain it. I twisted the elephant charm on my bracelet.

And then she smacked me on the shoulder. Hard.

“But it’s time for you to get your head out of your ass and straighten up. Understand?”

“Why with the violence?” I flipped over, jumped up and shoved her back. “Look, it’s not my fault that Mom decided to dump me on you. I don’t want to be here any more than you want me to be.”

She glared at me, her face turning red.

“Look, I don’t like the fact that my once-perfect sister, the one sister I knew would never screw up, has fallen off the wagon of epic proportions. You’re the one I never worried about. You got better grades than I ever dreamed of getting. You were the good one. And then...”

She didn’t need to finish. And then everything happened, and that girl, the one who obsessed over straight A’s and wanted to be the president of every club and who had her sights set on being valedictorian and someday running a huge company or working for the government or doing something important with her life, disappeared.

Nine months ago, everything changed, and everything I thought I wanted seemed stupid and pointless. Or maybe I’d just finally realized it was stupid and pointless. That had less to do with what had happened and more to do with him. Even thinking his name was like taking a bullet in the chest.

“Yeah, then I decided to screw it all up. I know. I’ve heard the story. I was there. You don’t need to reiterate it to me.”

She shrugged. “Well, nothing else has worked, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I’ve also considered beating you senseless, but that’s usually frowned upon.”

“Go for it,” I said, sitting back down. Wasn’t going to work.

“Oh, believe me, I’d love to. But then you’d be unconscious and I wouldn’t be able to get information out of you, soooo...”

“And what information is that?”

“What the hell happened to you to make you like this?”

That was something she could try to beat out of me, but it wasn’t going to happen. I shoved her aside and went back out into the main area of the basement.

“I guess I just decided all that stuff was bullshit. Getting good grades, being the good daughter. Where did it get me? Nowhere. And I was miserable. I never got to have any fun because I was always working or trying to get those good grades or planning some sort of event for one of the million clubs I was in. I got tired of it, okay?” I understood them being upset about me partying and that sort of thing, but just because I wasn’t getting straight A’s anymore, that was a reason to have a coronary?

Renee grabbed my shoulder to stop me from running up the steps. I tried to shake her off, but she yanked me around to face her.

“No, that’s not it. You’ve spent your entire life following the rules. You don’t do that and then just flip a switch and change. People don’t change like that unless something makes them.” I’d had this conversation with her, with my parents, with my now ex-boyfriend and ex-friends. I told them all the same thing.

“Just leave me alone.” Everyone had, eventually.

Renee glared at me, her eyes turning a steely blue like they did when she was determined about something. Getting her to back off was going to be a challenge. She took stubborn to a whole new level.

“Fine. Go get the rest of your stuff.” She let go of my arm and jerked her chin up the stairs.

“Fine,” I said, stomping up the stairs.