Will You Love Me?: The story of my adopted daughter Lucy: Part 3 of 3

Also by Cathy Glass

Damaged

Hidden

Cut

The Saddest Girl in the World

Happy Kids

The Girl in the Mirror

I Miss Mummy

Mummy Told Me Not to Tell

My Dad’s a Policeman (a Quick Reads novel)

Run, Mummy, Run

The Night the Angels Came

Happy Adults

A Baby’s Cry

Happy Mealtimes For Kids

Another Forgotten Child

Please Don’t Take My Baby

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Also by Cathy Glass

Acknowledgements

Epigraph

17 Progress

18 ‘I’d Rather Have You’

19 Happy Holiday

20 ‘Will You Love Me?’

21 ‘No One Wants Me’

22 A New Year, a New Social Worker

23 ‘She’s OK for a Girl’

24 Special Day

25 Thunderstorm

26 ‘I’ll Try My Best’

27 Special Love

Exclusive sample chapter

Cathy Glass

Copyright

About the Publisher

Acknowledgements

A big thank-you to my editor, Holly; my literary agent Andrew; and Carole, Vicky, Laura and all the team at HarperCollins.

‘Every time I hear a newborn baby cry …

Then I know why,

I believe.’

‘I Believe’ by Ervin Drake

Chapter Seventeen
Progress

‘I wouldn’t ask but we’re desperate,’ Jill said. ‘I know we agreed you’d wait until Lucy had been with you for longer and had calmed down before you fostered another child, but Lucy’s taking her time to calm down, and none of our other carers are free. It would only be for two weeks’ respite and David’s very sweet. It’s just while his mother is in hospital.’

‘I really don’t know, Jill,’ I said again, wishing she hadn’t asked. Although I had the space in my house to foster another child, I had my hands full with Lucy, and David was sure to be upset at being separated from his mother. ‘Will I have to take him to visit his mother in hospital as well?’ I asked, feeling this would be impossible with everything else that was going on.

‘No, his aunt will take him,’ Jill said. ‘She can’t look after him during the day because she works full time, but she can take him to the hospital in the evenings and at the weekend. David won’t give you any trouble,’ Jill added. ‘And we’d be very grateful.’

‘When do you need to know by?’ I asked.

‘Now, please. His mother would need to bring him to you tomorrow morning, before she goes into hospital.’

‘And there really is no one else?’

‘No.’

‘All right, I’ll do it,’ I said. ‘Although I have big reservations.’

‘You’ll be fine,’ Jill said, with a confidence I didn’t feel. ‘And you never know, it might do Lucy some good. Give her someone else to focus on for a change, rather than herself.’ Although Jill was highly sympathetic to Lucy, as I was, I think she was starting to lose patience and felt that maybe Lucy was revelling in all the attention her outbursts evoked. ‘Thanks, Cathy.’

We said goodbye and I went straight upstairs to the spare bedroom and made up the bed with a fresh duvet cover and pillowcase. That evening over dinner, I explained to Adrian, Paula and Lucy that David would be coming the following day to stay for two weeks while his mother was in hospital. Adrian and Paula were very enthusiastic, probably because a well-behaved three-year-old would be light relief after Lucy’s recent tantrums. Lucy looked at me, amazed by the news, shocked even, and then became confrontational.

‘You’re fostering another child as well as me?’ she asked disparagingly.

‘That’s right, love. Just for two weeks.’

‘Are you allowed to?’

‘Yes, of course. I’m approved to foster two children or a sibling group of up to three. Don’t worry. It won’t affect my care of you.’

Lucy scowled, while Paula and Adrian wanted to know more about David. ‘Why’s his mother having to stay in hospital?’ Paula asked, concerned.

‘She’s got to have an operation, and she’ll need time to recover afterwards,’ I said. Jill had told me that Beth, David’s mother, was having a hysterectomy, but Paula didn’t need to know that.

‘Hasn’t David got a gran and grandpa to look after him?’ Adrian asked, which is what would have happened to Adrian and Paula had I had to stay in hospital.

‘Unfortunately not,’ I said. ‘David’s grandparents are dead.’

‘That’s sad,’ Paula said.

Then Lucy asked, or rather demanded, ‘What about his dad? Hasn’t he got a dad who can look after him?’

‘No, he died last year,’ I said. ‘He wasn’t very old.’

And just for a moment I saw on Lucy’s face the briefest acknowledgement that there could be at least one other child in the world who’d had a sad and difficult life just as she had, albeit in a different way. Paula looked close to tears, so I changed the subject and talked about the games we could play with a three-year-old.

That evening, when I went to say goodnight to Lucy, it was obvious she’d been thinking about David, for she had some questions about him. ‘Does David still miss his daddy?’ she said quietly.

‘I’m sure he does,’ I said.

‘Will he miss his mummy and cry at night?’

‘Very likely, but I’ll look after him. Then, when you come home from school, you can help me if you like.’

But Lucy had lowered her guard enough for one evening and retorted with a sharp, ‘No. That’s your job.’

Ignoring her ill humour, I said goodnight, kissed her forehead and came out.

Beth arrived with David at 9.30 the following morning, just after I’d returned from taking Paula to school. Beth was a lovely lady in her thirties, although she was anxious at the thought of the operation she was about to have, and also about leaving David, whom she’d never left with anyone before. She brought with her a suitcase containing David’s clothes, a toy box of his favourite toys and books and a cuddly toy, which she told me he took to bed with him at night – all of which would help him settle with me. Although Beth was worried about leaving David, as we talked, David – not fully appreciating what was about to happen – was happy to chase Toscha and then play with the toys I’d put out in the living room. Beth had written down David’s routine, which would be useful for me to follow, and had also included his likes and dislikes in food, which again would be very helpful.

‘Jen, my sister, will collect David after work tonight,’ Beth said, ‘at about half past five, and bring him to the hospital. She’ll have him back to you by seven – that’s the time he normally goes to bed. I won’t see him tomorrow as it’s the day of my operation, so Jen will collect him again the day after.’

I reassured Beth that David would be fine and then I showed them around the house, with David holding his mother’s hand. When we went into David’s room, Beth explained to him that he would be sleeping here for two weeks while she was in hospital and then he would come home again, but I doubted that at his age he really understood. Beth left shortly after, as she had to be at the hospital for 10.30. David and I waved her off and then, once I’d closed the door and his mother had gone, he began to cry. I picked him up, took him through to the living room where I sat with him on my lap and cuddled him, explaining that he would see Mummy later. Then I distracted him with toys and games, which I played with him for most of the day. Every so often he would ask, ‘Where’s Mummy gone?’ I said, ‘To the hospital. You will see her later, after dinner.’ Soon he began repeating very sweetly, ‘Mummy gone to the hospital, see her later after dinner.’ He was so cute. I cuddled him a lot.

When it was time to collect Paula from school, I helped David into the car seat in the rear of my car and he asked: ‘Going to see Mummy in hospital now?’ Bless him.

‘No, love, later,’ I said. ‘Auntie Jen is taking you after dinner.’ But of course at three years of age these arrangements must have seemed very confusing to him.

Paula treated little David like a large doll and he revelled in the attention. She played with him while I began making an early dinner, as Jen would be collecting David at 5.30. Soon I could hear chuckling coming from the living room as Paula made him laugh. David’s chuckle was very infectious and was lovely to hear. However, when Lucy arrived home from school, I knew as soon as I opened the door she was looking for trouble.

‘My friend says it’s wrong of you to foster another child when you have me, and you’re only doing it for the money.’

While I was pleased to hear that Lucy had a friend, I knew that telling me this was obviously designed to provoke me.

‘I don’t expect your friend knows much about fostering,’ I said lightly, as Lucy glared at me antagonistically. ‘Perhaps she’d like to come here for tea so she can see what really goes on. Come and meet David.’

‘No!’ Lucy said, and stormed off up to her room where she stayed sulking until I called her down for dinner.

Adrian and Paula kept David amused at dinner while I made sure he ate something. I don’t think he’d ever had so much attention and I could tell from Lucy’s expression that she didn’t like it and may well have been jealous. Each time he chuckled she scowled at him and then finally said to me: ‘Tell him to be quiet. He’s making too much noise. It’s doing my head in.’

‘No. I’m pleased he’s happy,’ I said. ‘And he’s eating.’

Lucy glowered at me and carried on picking at her food, but even she wasn’t immune to David’s sweet, smiling face and infectious laugh, despite missing his mother. I saw her snatching glances at him, and gradually during the meal her expression lost its resentment and finally she allowed herself to smile. By the end of the meal she was laughing with the rest of us each time David chucked.

After dinner Lucy came with Paula and me into the living room where we played with David until Jen arrived at 5.30 to take him to the hospital. David was very pleased to see his aunt’s familiar face and threw himself into her arms and gave her a big kiss. Jen picked him up and hugged him, thanked me for looking after him and then confirmed that she’d have him back by seven o’clock. I think she felt a bit guilty for not having him to stay with her, but she had to work.

While David was out, I took the opportunity to unpack his suitcase and take some of his toys up to his room so he felt more at home. The rest of his toys would stay downstairs for him to play with in the living room. Lucy was in her bedroom and must have heard me moving around in David’s room, for presently she appeared at his bedroom door. She stood watching me for a few moments and then said, ‘I’m sorry I was horrible about David coming. I like him really.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘That’s good.’ But Lucy was often sorry after the event, and I was used to hearing her apologize. However, she then said something I hadn’t heard her say before: ‘I don’t know why you still want to look after me. The others didn’t.’

I paused from unpacking and looked up at her. ‘Because I like looking after you,’ I said. ‘I like you, and I understand why you’re hurting.’

She looked away. ‘There’s a lot you don’t understand,’ she said quietly. ‘Things you don’t know about me. Some horrible things that make me behave badly.’

I smiled sadly. ‘You’re not the first child I’ve looked after who’s had secrets. I hope one day you may be able to tell me, or when you start therapy you can tell your therapist. But one thing I do know, Lucy, is that whatever happened to you wasn’t your fault. No matter what you were told. All right, love?’

She gave a small shrug. ‘I guess.’ Then, with a small puzzled frown, she asked, ‘How did you know I was told it was my fault?’

‘Because that’s what bad adults tell the children they hurt. So the children will feel guilty and won’t tell anyone else.’

She held my gaze for a moment and then looked away. ‘I won’t be horrible while David is here.’

‘Good. He’s going to enjoy playing with you.’

For the next two weeks, while David was with us, Lucy’s behaviour did indeed improve. We didn’t have any angry outbursts, so I didn’t feel I was continually on a knife edge waiting for her to explode. Lucy became polite and cooperative and went out of her way to help me look after David. She’d always been nice to Adrian and Paula and my parents; it was me she’d directed her anger towards. Maybe Jill had been right when she’d said that Lucy had been receiving too much attention and that having David to stay would give us another focal point, or perhaps Lucy realized that there were other children in the world who’d had sadness in their lives as she had, but could still laugh. I didn’t know. But whatever the reason, I was grateful for the change in Lucy – the atmosphere in the house improved tremendously. I also noticed that her eating improved; not hugely, but since David had arrived she was more relaxed at the dinner table and was eating a little more.

Stevie paid us one of her scheduled visits during the second week that David was with us. It was 4.30 p.m. and Lucy was downstairs playing with David and Paula when Stevie arrived. Lucy blanked Stevie when she said hello, and then went up to her bedroom. I apologized to Stevie, but didn’t go up and try to persuade Lucy to come down; Stevie didn’t expect me to. Stevie stayed for half an hour, and while I updated her on Lucy Paula kept David amused. Among other things, Stevie asked what I was doing to meet Lucy’s cultural needs. I told her about the Thai meals we were cooking and that I talked to Lucy about Thailand whenever the opportunity arose.

‘Have you got her a Thai flag for her room?’ she asked.

‘No, but I will,’ I said, making a mental note to do so, as I’d previously forgotten.

I told Stevie that, while I still had concerns about Lucy’s eating, it had improved since David had been with us. Stevie made a note and said she was still trying to trace Lucy’s family – her parents and uncles. Stevie then said that, although she’d seen Lucy briefly, she still needed to have a quick look into her bedroom (it was a requirement of the social worker’s visit). So I took her up, knocked on Lucy’s bedroom door and opened it. Lucy still refused to speak to Stevie, but Stevie had seen enough to be able to include it in her report. As we returned downstairs, Toscha suddenly appeared from Lucy’s room. Stevie turned and shrieked.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, rushing to pick up the cat, who was looking pretty scared. ‘I put her out earlier. I didn’t know she was up here.’

I heard Lucy laugh.

Later, after Stevie had gone, I reminded everyone that Toscha had to be kept out while Stevie was here, as she was allergic to cats.

Lucy grinned. ‘Toscha wanted to say hello to Stevie,’ she said.

Adrian exploded into laughter.

‘Well, please don’t do it again,’ I said. ‘You know Stevie’s got an allergy to cats.’

Of course Lucy knew, that’s why she’d done it – to cause Stevie discomfort.

After David had returned home, Lucy’s behaviour didn’t immediately deteriorate as I was half expecting it to: she’d been on her best behaviour for David’s sake, after all, and now there was no need to be any more. I wouldn’t say she was an angel, but the improvement in her behaviour continued, and she was also still eating a little more.

‘You’ll have to help us out with respite more often,’ Jill said, when I updated her.

I nodded. ‘Although not for a while,’ I said. ‘I need time to recover.’ I’m not always sure social workers appreciate just how tiring it is looking after children.